This weekend I managed, in the span of 15 minutes, to lose two of my sons. When I look back, it could be viewed as being incredibly funny but I'm not quite ready to laugh yet. The situations occurred due to a lack of communication as well as a the seemingly natural inclination of boys to wander. When we go shopping at Target, I have allowed my children to pair off and go hang out in their two favorite areas of the store: Toys and Electronics. And they travel between the two. It has allowed me the freedom to get my other shopping done with some peace as well as efficiency that does not come with 4 children hanging about.
As I finished, I headed toward the Toy department and encountered the first pair and then we headed over to Electronics to gather the other two. In no time at all, I turned around and Peanut was gone. We searched the immediate area and there was no sign of him. I had the other 3 with me, and I planted them by a railing with STRONG instructions to stand by the cart IN THIS SPOT and I would go search for Peanut. I can move faster when not pushing a heavily laden shopping cart and 3 kids in tow. I searched the usual areas and still did not find him. So, I gathered the other 3 again and we set off to search the other half of the store. While we were talking, BB was chatting about how we should have a meeting spot to go to so that if we ever get separated again, we would know to go there and we would be found again. I told him this was a good idea but right now, we were searching for Peanut. All of a sudden it got quiet and I turned around and BB was gone.
This made me angry because I am confident that he took off, chasing some sort of wild hare. Even though we were just talking about this while searching for his little brother! He's been in a strange mood lately and I think that he may have thought on a subconscious level, that if he got lost too, he would get all of us looking for him and then the celebration when he was found would be sweet.
No time to dwell on that thought much because I figured Peanut was panicking somewhere or the worst thought a parent can have...someone snatched him. I hate that thought. I hate that we live in a world where those thoughts even have to cross a parent's mind. I grabbed a manager and told him I was looking for my 7 year old. He grabbed another employee. I turned around and saw Peanut running up the aisle near where we had been earlier. I sent Princess after him. He was crying. I was relieved.
And now I had another son to go find. But I was so embarrassed, I did not want to tell this manager that I had another child missing too. What kind of an idiot can't keep track of her children? And there are so many reasons that are none of the Target employees business as to why a second child would wander off. So, I paid for my purchases, parking my children in the main aisle telling them to watch for BB. Then I parked all of them in the little cafe with stern and I mean STERN instructions to stay put while I went to look for BB. I started walking the path we had been on before figuring he may have ducked down a side aisle to escape me.
I made it all the way over to Toys and an employee approached me and asked if I needed help finding anything. I said that I was looking for my son. She stayed on me even though I was trying to brush her off. I was so exhausted by this time as well as frustrated, angry and scared that finally I said, "I need help. I can't find him. And I'm so tired. I don't know what to do anymore."
She called a Code Yellow which got all of the available employees out looking for him. I was still embarrassed by all the attention. But when they found him and announced across the radio that he was at the service desk, I was relieved. But there was a growing anger inside me because I just felt it in my heart that BB did this on purpose. And how was I going to handle this?
The consequence, I decided, was that for out next trip to any store, no one would go anywhere without me. It's more of a punishment for myself than anything. It is also taking back a freedom that perhaps they cannot handle yet. I need to evaluate my communication with them on what my expectations are as well. I just can't do that in the heat of the moment nor on the brink of exhaustion.
The other issue that this story shows is just one other example of what my 11 year old is going through. He is in a full-blown depression. His behavior is erratic, irrational, irritating and prickly. I am having conversations with him about his prickly behaviors, trying to help him give a name to what he is feeling as well as describe what it looks like to the rest of us. This is the best description I have come up and it is working so far. I told him that he is acting like a porcupine that has raised up all it's needles. The reason a porcupine does this is for protection. It does not want bigger animals to come near and eat it or attack it softer parts. It's a defense mechanism. So, like the porcupine, BB is sticking out his prickly needles pushing people away with his behavior because he doesn't want to get hurt. But at the same time, he is pushing away the very people who love and care for him the most, and the ones who can help him.
I think this is a childhood manifestation of a clinical depression. I have talked with his pediatrician about it earlier this fall. Children, thankfully, do not get treated with medications for depression. Their brains are still developing. So, the best course is therapy. My issue now is that with my job change, my new health insurance is not completely set up yet. I have to talk to my boss about it on Monday and find out where that is at. The other problem is that the therapist we were using, while BB seemed to like him he was not connecting with him and wouldn't talk to him. And now his depressive symptoms are spilling over into school because I learned that he has been hiding his homework in his locker, he is disengaged in his classroom and it goes on and on.
I'm torn apart. I don't know what to do. I'm praying for him. I need to start praying with him and talking with him every day. On Monday, I will be calling the school psychologist and I am going to ask for a meeting with her, his teacher and other specialists that work with him to come up with some sort of a game plan to give him the support he needs to get through this. I don't think he can get through it on his own. He is crying out for help. I think he wants to know that people care, even though he is doing his very best to push people away. In a sense, he is lost.
