Fall Lecture Series: Lecture #2

We Are All in This Together: (Or “Why it is NOT JUST Mom’s job to keep the house clean” :

The format of this lecture is a little different. It is a Question and Answer format or Round Table discussion (except that our table is Rectangular, as one bright child will be sure to comment on):

In response to the phrase: “But I didn’t make the mess, why should I have to clean it?”
"If the command comes down from the top (meaning Mom), then it should be obeyed regardless of who made the initial mess.
We are a family and we are all responsible for cleaning the house and keeping it picked up on a DAILY basis. "

"Sometimes, when you are wandering around wondering what you should be doing when Mom has announced it is clean up time, Mom will assign you a more specific job to do such as picking up articles of clothing or pieces of trash. It is not a judgment that you are the perpetrator of the mess, that you are the only one who has discarded dirty socks carelessly nor are you the one who ate all the items of food that generate small wrappers…it is merely a job that someone must do and I have chosen you."

"If we all lived by the philosophy of “I didn’t do it so I don’t have to clean it up” then no one would own up to anything and the house will be heaping over with trash, dirty dishes and laundry. Quite frankly, I have been picking up after you since the day you were born.
We are a family. We live together in this house and we will keep it clean together. It is not just Mom’s job. It is all of our jobs."

"Since you still don’t listen to my good reasons, then I will be forced to say, “You will do it because I am telling you to do it. End of story.”"

Exactly who is “Nobody” and “I don’t know” and why do they keep coming over to our house to leave entrails of debris, chaos and disorderliness in every room?

"Quit inviting these pesky friends! "

"Do you expect me to believe that the legos just walked out of their box and spread themselves all over the living room, the stairs, the dining room table, the kitchen counters and the bathtub all by themselves? "

"I wasn’t born yesterday. "

"Just own up to what you do or clean it up anyway. "

In response to the statement: “So-and-so isn’t working…so I’m not going to.”

"I did not tell “So-and-so” to pick up the backpacks and put them in their cubbies. I told you. And I will have a different job for So-and-so."

"Perhaps So-and-so is choosing to be naughty but you can choose to do as you are told. So-and-so will have a consequence for disobeying and unless you want the consequence too, do your job and don’t worry about who is or is not doing something."

In response to the statement: “Saturday is our day off. We should get to do whatever we want.”

"What, exactly, do you need a day off from?"

"God worked for 6 days and rested on the 7th. Sunday is our day of worship and our day off."

"If we work real hard in the morning, we can have the rest of the day to play. But if you drag this out all day, then that is your consequence."

"Saturday is one of the few days where Mom does not go to work but that does not mean that there are not things that need to be done like grocery shopping and other errands. "

Why does Mom keep saying “This house is a pig sty.”, “I’ve seen cow barns that are cleaner than this.”, and “I don’t want to live in the dump.”?

"Pigs wallow in mud puddles. They are not clean animals. They also eat garbage. We are not pigs. We are people and we do not live in mud or eat garbage but from the looks of things right now, we are living like pigs."

"Even cow barns which are full of big cows that poop a lot are cleaned out fairly regularly or else they smell."

"The dump is where garbage goes to rot and disintegrate. It is full of piles and piles of discarded objects and rotten food. At the moment, the house looks like the dump. "

"It would be nice to come home to a living room that was tidy so that we can sit down and relax and do fun things together. "

A clarification on what is acceptable and what is not in regards to cleanliness of person, house and yard.

"Garbage goes in the trashcan. Notice there is one in just about every room. There is no excuse but pure laziness for leaving your pop tart wrapper on the floor or stuffed in the couch cushions."

"Dishes go in the sink. Don’t hide them behind the couch or set them down on the end table. It takes more effort to hide things than it does to walk them over to where they belong.
Rinse your dishes and stack them neatly. "

"Laundry goes in the laundry basket. There are several of these located upstairs. If you take off your socks or your sweatshirt, take an extra 30 seconds of your precious day to put the item away."

"When you are finished playing, clean up. Clean up is part of playing just as much as playing is part of playing. And if you do this after you are done, there is less to do when it’s time to tidy up."

"Every person needs to bathe, brush their teeth and have clean hands and faces. Get used to it. Without regular bathing, we start to stink and our teeth rot and fall out of our heads and no one wants to be near us. Dirty hands are just plain gross. "

"The Horse is Dead! Quit beating it!!"

That is what a friend of mine said to me the other day when I was lamenting over the sorry state of my existence. I'm not having a pity party. I really do have some crappy things happening to me right now. And it just keeps piling on. I feel like the dog being kicked under the table. (I should explain that she was NOT telling me to stop beating a dead horse...but rather commenting on how many difficult things keep happening this fall because in the span of 6 weeks, I have been hit on every front from finances to childrearing to legal issues surrounding a broken relationship...That is the dead horse!)

It's not fun. My ex-fiance is suing me. It's too complicated to explain. There is room to negotiate but I don't think there is much room. He pushed the numbers up just past "Small Claims" and moved this into the civil realm. And that stinks. It raises the stakes. And I have a choice to make.

I was crying earlier when I was feeling the gravity of my situation and the serious financial repercussions if this goes to trial. How should I, as a Christian, respond to being sued? Do I completely cave in and say "Fine. Take it all. Here you go." or do I fight? If I fight back, things could get really nasty and friends of mine would get pulled in to testify. My children could have to testify and it would be dirty. And nobody will walk away unscathed.

What can I live with? I will admit, I was stupid in accepting money from him in the first place and putting myself in this position of being indebted to him now that the relationship is over. But I do not believe that I am solely to blame. He has the advantage in that he appears to be the wronged party because a debt is owed to him. But he has a part to play and to own up to but I seriously doubt he will. Attacking him in court will not open his eyes to see his mistakes, so what is the point? Do I have to prove that I was in the right? No. I made some really dumb mistakes. I ignored the wise advice of my family and I overlooked my own gut and intuition. It's a painful lesson and it will cost me dearly. But it will be learned.

What I decided as I talked it out with the Lord is that I cannot play dirty. As much as I am hurting and am grieved that things got this out of hand, I cannot stoop to that level. Many things happened in that relationship that were unfair to me and to my children but I will not victimize my kids again by dragging them through court. I will take responsibility for what I feel is my part. I will contest the pieces that are not fair. And in the end, I will have to pay him money. But it is only money. It is not my soul. At the end of it, I will hold my head up high and know that I did the best thing and not the worst thing. And I will move on with my life.

And I will never make the mistakes I made again. Choose carefully who you date. Be wise in what you disclose to another person and when. I do not think financial issues should be brought in to a relationship until marriage is on the horizon. And I will not loan or borrow money from anyone I am dating. If I am asked for money, and I have it, I will give it freely with no strings attached. That is how I will sleep at night.

Fall 2008 Lecture Series

It’s that time of year where my Parenting Lecture Series needs to be revised, improved or added unto. This is the first installment, and maybe the last at this time. I haven't decided yet.

Bathroom Etiquette
or “Why Boys Need to Consider the Needs of Girls”
The following is an excerpt from this lecture:
“I expect a few rules of etiquette and general “niceness” to be followed in regards to the use of the bathroom. First of all, the purpose of the bathroom needs to be mentioned. It is not a playground, although if you take a bath you may play in the water as long as you do not aggressively splash water all over the floor. And a bath is a solo activity in which your brother does not need to participate in and you may ask him, politely, to leave the room until you are finished. The sink and the mirror are for the purposes of cleanliness and good grooming, not for seeing how high you can spray Mom’s hairspray nor how full the sink can get before the water begins to splash out through that little hole at the top. Towels are for drying and should not be used as blankets for stuffed animals and washcloths need to be used for washing, not as pillows for the same stuffed animals. The same can be said for pillowcases, place mats and other items of interest in the linen closet.
Second, let’s discuss privacy. When you are using the bathroom, you need privacy and expect that others will acknowledge that a closed door is a strong indicator that the bathroom is indeed in use. If you don’t want to be bothered by others who need to wash their hands or brush their teeth or even create bubbles in the sink, then please close the door. This is particularly important in regards to the bathroom in the kitchen. Do I need to mention the use of the bathroom during a meal in which the bathroom door is left open and all of us at the table must endure the sounds coming from within, which are neither polite nor appetizing? The solution is simple: Close the door.
And if you see a door closed, consider the room occupied. Should you need to use this room, apply a gentle knock to the door as an inquiry. If there is no answer, then by all means proceed, but perhaps with caution in case your knock was a bit too gentle. If the occupant did not hear you and is surprised by your presence, please politely avert your eyes and apologize while backing up and exiting, pulling the door closed behind you. It would also be nice if you would wait patiently and not yell out, “Are you done yet?” Some activities cannot be hurried nor should the process be short-cutted for the sake of the impatience of those on the other side of the door. May I also remind you that we do have two bathrooms and that there are no “monsters” in the kitchen even if no one else is downstairs, so feel free to check the availability of both rooms before exercising your impatience.
Third, this part pertains mainly to the young gentlemen in the house who have the means to utilize the commode while standing. It is important to focus on the task at hand, and not be so hurried that you “miss”. Nor should you go off into a daydream in which you lose track of your target. This is also not a time for you to see how far away you can stand and “still make it in” because you will never contain all of it in doing so.
I also feel I need to mention again that it would be very nice if you would also lift the seat up first and put it back down when you are finished. The females in the house thank you for doing so and also get very upset when you don’t and they come across a cold, wet seat. And the thought of what they just sat upon gives them the “heebie jeebies”.
So, let me offer you a little instruction: stand close enough to the commode that your knees touch the bowl, focus upon the pool of water inside and aim for the hole at the bottom. If you do dribble, it’s OK but please wipe it up. Don’t forget to flush and wash your hands. Did you remember to put the seat back down?
A warning to the boys who forget these simple instructions, you will spend time cleaning the toilet and the area surrounding daily it until you begin to understand why this is so icky to clean when you are sloppy. And the reason the bathroom “always stinks” is because of your sloppiness or carelessness with your activity. A little more concentration and extra effort put in to the small details will make the cleanliness of the bathroom, as well as the aroma, much more pleasant for all the behold (And not to mention a Mom who will be very happy and less irritated).

Homework, Headaches and Laundry Piled High...Oh My

It was just a few years ago when I was finishing up my nursing degree and I was swamped with papers, reading enormous books (we spent so much time with one of them, we nursing girls called the book our boyfriend Iggy) and driving all over the Metro for clinicals in the wee hours of the morning until way past the best part of the sunshine. I thought I was tired and stressed out then. It was also the fall that my oldest son was in the process of being diagnosed with ADHD and I was getting multiple phone calls a day from his teacher and the principal saying that BB was hiding under his desk, running off down the halls (requiring the principal, the secretary and possibly a custodian to locate him and return him to his classroom) and just causing a raucous in the classroom. It was also that fall that my youngest overdosed on 50-75 children's multivitamins and had to spend the night in Children's getting his blood drawn and a rapid flush IV and then I spent the next 6 weeks worried about bowel obstructions and liver damage.

For some reason, as busy as that time was, I feel more busy and more stressed right now keeping up with my children's homework. I kid you not when I say that we spent the better part of Tuesday night finishing homework and at 9pm, when it was bedtime, Princess was not finished but couldn't keep her eyes open. BB had declared that he was not going to do his homework because "I don't care." and proceeded to tear his math page into small shredded squares.

PH had homework too and I was riding him hard because I got a call last week from his teacher saying he had not been turning in any homework. Listen to the reply of this smart mother:

Oh, has he had homework?

This was clearly impressive to his teacher. She then informed me that all homework pages would have the word "Return" on the top that the child would also highlight. She then proceeded to rattle off all the things he had not turned in. I asked her to send me duplicates and we would get it done. We did a big "High Five" and a knuckle rub when we finished the last overdue assignment. But sadly, the homework just keeps coming. And often it involves "Things to do with your parents".

And while this was happening, Princess got a report card mailed home at midterm because she was getting not just one but two D's and an F. And the reason??? She had not turned in assignments and thus received partial or no credit. Her Language Arts class, and the F, requires her to read 30 minutes a day and when she finishes one of the Accelerated Reading books, she can take a quiz. Well, we learned that these AR points are 1/3 of her grade and I informed her that she best get busy reading and finish her book by the end of the weekend.

The good news is that Princess did complete her book and took the quiz. She got 10/10! She was so excited. They also finished reading a book in class and took another quiz in which she got 9/10. When I checked her grades online. Her F had become a B!!! The look on her face was absolutely priceless. And she has had her nose to the grindstone ever since. She has dutifully done her homework every night AND she has had her nose in a new book. She is almost finished with this book after just starting it on Tuesday. I love it!

But I am soooo tired. I thought that when my kids got out of Diapers and Sippy Cups my life would get a little easier. I have been sorely mis-informed and I would like to speak to the director of this cruise because they lied in the brochure!

Princess remarked that we have not sat down at the table for dinner together since Sunday afternoon. We have had something going on every evening. Granted, they are good things but they do take up our time. And I don't know that I should give them up. But I do think that we, as a family, need to get better about how we do things and how we spend our time.

I have relaxed a little on the household chores because I figure right now, school is my kids job #1. I want them to complete their homework and learn the skills of diligence, perseverance and putting first things first. So, that means that the other stuff is going to fall more on my lap. But perhaps, I have let them slide just a little too much and I need to enforce some other habits so that I don't feel so stressed out, and so that the dishes don't sit dirty in the sink for 4 days, growing fur coats and creating new aroma's.

I think it is about learning to strike some sort of balance. Right now, I feel very off kilter. Even with that feeling of being half-way to crazy-ville complete with migraine headaches, scratchy eyes and more irritableness than I like to display, I like sitting down with my kids and showing Peanut how to draw his letters or playing math games with PH and BB or letting Princess teach me French. In these moments, I have opportunities to tune in to their world, to listen to them talk about what they are learning and see how they are growing and sometimes, I can help them make connections from school to other things. And for a few minutes, there is harmony.

And even though it doesn't last long because someone calls someone else a "dimwit" and uses the baby brother as a punching bag...another declares that they are allergic to soap and clean and don't need to take a shower because they like being dirty ("It's my look.") and the living room is strewn with Lego's, the upstairs is covered in piles of laundry waiting to be washed...at some point, they all fall asleep. While I know we will go through this craziness again tomorrow, at least I know we made it through this day. It wasn't perfect. It's not always pretty. But as I look into the faces of my kids, even the one covered in bubble gum, the one with cinnamon in his hair (courtesy of a brother) and the one with red marker on his ear (Did I mention it was picture day?) and I realize, I love them and would take a million crazy days over a perfectly clean house, dishes that never sat dirty and bathrooms that never smelled like latrines. This is life. It's messy. It's noisy. It's mine.