Reflections on the Weekend

I could deny it no longer. The boys look like they have hair growing out of their ears, Princess must have a set of beautiful blue eyes under those bangs...but my wallet and tight budget as well as 2 kids with birthdays, cannot support $60 for hair cuts. So, I had to pull out my clippers and scissors. I will admit that I am a bit rusty.

OK...OK...Very rusty.

I'm actually very embarrassed for PH. He suffered the worst at my inept attempt with the clippers. However, I will not solely carry the blame. He is very impatient and very wiggly. He also has the thickest head of hair. Its fabulous and I love it but it is a brute to cut nicely. Not like my two toe-heads. I had to cut his hair twice, it was so bad. I managed to somewhat salvage it but there are still some patches where I got a little too close. I could pretend that he got in to the clippers or that his brother did. But that is not a good example is it? Maybe I should be the one to put the paper bag over my head for the next few weeks until it grows out a bit.

I look at his cute little face with his Jack-o-lantern grin and then I see the almost-bald patches and I start to chant to myself, "It's only hair...it will grow back...It's only hair...It will grow back..."

Peanut's hair was not cooperating too much either but he was completely OK with me just buzzing his whole head. He looks so darn cute when it's that short anyway. When BB looked at Peanut, and I was struggling with two miserable attempts at boy haircuts, I offered to buzz it and BB said, "I do not want to look like Peanut!"

I had to try and not make the same mistakes. Apparently, by the third haircut, I had made significant improvements because BB's hair looks really good, for an amateur.

Princess let me cut her bangs and yes, she has eyes!! But my sister and I were playing with her hair and discussing it. My sister, Desert Bloom, pointed out that Princess's hair is very much like her hair, thin and easily splits but great in quantity! And Princess also has the two cowlicks that Desert Bloom has too. Poor thing. When Princess was a baby and had very little hair, her hair all went forward and no amount of coaxing my part could make it look feminine, not to mention, it was very straight. Even if I put a bow on her head, she looked boyish. At least when her hair is long, it pulls the cowlicks down.

But my sister and I sighed together as we looked at Princess's hair and I looked at how much her hair was breaking and how badly it tangles all the time. I realized that it has to be cut. There is just no other way. Princess was sad to hear it but it is not the first time we have cut her hair short due to split ends. Her only comment to me, "Mom, just try to cut it straight this time."

It's like she knows me or something.

Smarty-pants.

I cut off about 5 inches. It was a battle to get her hair to lay nice because of those cowlicks. I have a friend who is a beautician and she gave me a couple of pointers for cutting Princess's hair. She told me to never cut it wet but always cut it dry. So, I think I managed OK. It looks so cute when it's short.

Princess said to me later, "Mom, maybe now that my hair is short, we can curl it with the curling iron."

I have been waiting for this day. Is it wrong to be thankful for split ends? Let's just keep that between us.

Friday Sick Day

I am home with 3 out of 4 children. Poor little Peanut tried, unsuccessfully, to convince me that he too must be sick and must also need to stay home. I think he is afraid he is missing out on something good. I had to have a little heart-to-heart with him about how we need to go to school and cannot stay home just because every one else is...and then I bribed him with a treat from the gas station on the way to school. I whispered it in his ear to make it extra special. It lit a fire under him and he was ready to get ready.

Before all of this occurred however, I was lounging in bed, rather enjoying the extra time to rest that having 3 sick children was going to bring me. Peanut woke up and then came and snuggled up to me in my bed. Next thing I knew he was laying on top of me, as I lay on my side. I started to rub his back and he just burrowed into my shoulder. It was the sweetest way to wake up.

I had a strange thought however. I have a queen-sized bed all to myself and yet, I continue to find I sleep on only one half of it. Is it because old habits die hard? Is it because this is where the alarm clock and the lamp is?

Thursday

I feel like today was a waste of a very good hair day. Doesn't that sound girly? And maybe a little bit vain. It's true though. I don't know what I did differently today but somehow, my hair just fell into all the right places, had the right amount of lift and movement and just looked good.

It feels like a waste because halfway through my work day, I got the Dreaded Call from the nurses office. BB threw up and was now in her office and she needed me to come get him.

Sometimes, I am embarrassed to say, I do not say the right thing.

Are you sure he is sick? I mean he could just be very tired. He was up kind of late, goofing around on the video games.

Thankfully, the nurse and I have gotten to know each other quite well and I don't think my stupid question insulted either her, her assessment or position as Keeper of All Healthy Things in the Elementary School.

Did you take his temperature? Maybe if he doesn't have a fever, he can just stick it out.

As the Mom, RN, there are days when I am positively brilliant. (please note the sarcasm and tone I take with myself.) However, I was in a dilemma. I was at work, in the middle of a training on how to use my tablet. And my usual Go-To guy, Grandpa, is in the hospital recovering from surgery. My Mom is busy taking care of him and my sisters are also back at work. What am I to do? I also have two client appointments to do. It's not so easy to just drop everything and run off to pick up a sick child from school... a child I suspect is not really sick.

Shame on me. Maybe he really is. It isn't like him to pretend to be sick. And he did throw up. Even if he doesn't have a fever, he can't stay in school or take up the bed in the nurses office. I do give the nurse a lot of credit. She is very patient and accommodating. I have worked with several different school nurses and I know that there are a few who would demand that I get there at "half past an hour ago" or sooner and wouldn't care about my issues.

I told her that I had to finish this training and then I would come. I called my supervisor and let her know what was going on. I also talked to one of the case managers about her client that was one of my appointments. I also said I could do a little bit of my paperwork from home.

After picking up my son, who did look a little peeked, I pulled out my tablet and started doing some of my work. I had been at work no more than 10 minutes when I get a phone call from the nurse. Now PH was in her office with the same complaints. However, he is unable to vomit due to his surgery. So, I get back in my car and drive back to the school, while calling my supervisor.

They're dropping like flies...

So, it looks like I will be home with 2 sick boys. They are not lethargic but they are crabby. I would be happier with lethargy.

This is one of my biggest struggles with being a single parent. There are many difficulties. Parenting children is, in my book, intended to be a two person job. When it falls on only one parent, the burden more than just doubles. I don't know how else to explain it. I think it is like a team of oxen. One ox can pull a large weight alone, but a team of oxen because they are yoked together and work as a team can pull 3-4 times the weight that one ox can. The single parent is like that one ox trying to pull the weight of a team.

What is a single parent supposed to do when her children are sick? I only accrue so much sick leave and vacation. Yet, my job has responsibilities as well that while they can sometimes be shifted to others temporarily, it is not good to have to always shift them. I am fortunate in that I have a job that is extremely flexible and I have relationships built with my clients that they will allow me some latitude in moving appointments around. A day like today, I feel torn apart. My children need me, work needs me.

And now I feel the headache and the stomach ache coming on. I am probably getting sick too. There is no one here to take care of me. It could be a long, long weekend.

A Year Reviewed

I read a lot of other people's blogs and I will readily admit that I will borrow ideas from their blogs when I hit a dry spell. I read one this morning about reviewing the past year. I find that I am currently in a very reflective mood, so this idea is quite suitable to me. So, I am going to review 2008 and the things I did and learned.

In January, I learned that "Breaking up IS hard to do" but it is necessary and sometimes it is harder when it is all in your head then when you actually do it. But maybe I could have done it in person rather than over Instant Messenger. For that, I admit to a moment of Chicken-ness. Actually, I did not break off with NY in person because I was becoming increasingly wary of him and his response to me. I was not sure what he would do, how he would react and I was growing afraid. It turned out that I did have good reason to be wary because a few months later, when I decided to move out of the Forest Lake house and sever that financial tie to him as well, he began to threaten me and leave me nasty messages on my cell phone. Then in October, he had me served with papers for a lawsuit for back rent, repairs and various other monies he feels I owe him. Some I would agree with and some I would not. So, I think that perhaps breaking up via IM was the wiser course of action.

I learned that my family loves me very much but have a very weird sense of humor when my mother declared that I would be on a "Man-atorium" until further notice and the details of this declaration were slowly being developed as she went along, the rules added as she saw fit. And I learned in October, as did my sisters much to their surprise, that they will be the ones who will decide that the Man-atorium is lifted and I will be free to date again.

My Grandmother surprised me several times throughout the year by helping me financially. She really wanted me to get out of the FL house, so she gave me the money I needed for a deposit and first month's rent. Later in the year, she paid off two of my school loans. She is a real inspiration to me. She too was married to an abusive man, divorced him and went back to school as an older adult. She has risen above her challenges and is a very remarkable woman.

My children surprised me by adapting quite well to changing schools at the end of the school year. We started at Oneka Elementary right after Spring break in April. I learned later that there was a lot of information I missed out on as far as my daughter's transition to middle school but it all worked out in the end.

We had a bumpy summer in which I had to really pinch pennies, make very tough choices and learn some tough lessons about the importance of budgeting. I am still recovering from that but I have learned a lot of valuable things from that experience and even as hard as it was, I can't ignore the changes that have been made in me. However, I have come to realize that changing yourself, developing new habits and breaking bad habits does not happen over night. It takes a long time. It is hard to be diligent and easy to be lazy.

In spite of that hard stuff, we had a lot of fun. We learned how to do a lot of exciting things that don't cost money. We explored several lakes, found some good ones, and some bad ones. We played in the pool. Peanut learned to swim and ride his bike. The kids earned free passes to Bunker Beach by reading books and we had a great time there.

I also learned that my children have great capacity for naughtiness and I have gotten to know the Sheriff's department a little too well. But there were blessings that came out of nightmarish situations even with that. I met resourceful people who helped me find a great babysitter for my kids, that all of my children adore and she is fair in her prices and flexible, as well as easy to talk to. I have made contacts within my office for resources to help me out with my ADHD son and getting help with some of his more difficult behaviors.

I have made new friends, strengthened old friendships, and gotten in touch with people from my past and have friendships that are rekindled. My sister has moved back to MN from Nevada and it is so nice to have all of my family within 15 minutes of my home.

My kids are growing and healthy. Only one needed surgery but that seems to have corrected the problem. He has had to learn how to eat slightly differently and we have discovered that the doctor was correct that he cannot burp or throw up, so this does cause him discomfort but if he slows down when he eats, eats smaller amounts of food and has a couple of snacks during the day, he is doing fantastic. My daughter has, as of last night, lost all of her baby teeth.

BB joined a basketball team and loves to go to practice and to his games and we are enjoying watching him play and cheer. He has the most cheerleaders on just about any given game day!

My baby sister got married. I played the triangles during her wedding march and read scripture during the ceremony. I missed her vows because Peanut had to "Go RIGHT NOW" but I got to see PH and Princess really cut a rug on the dance floor!

We were given two turkeys this year. One was HUGE and I remembered to take out the neck before stuffing it but I had to run it under hot water in order to get the neck out since it was so big, it was still partially frozen.

I learned how to make Turkey Wild Rice soup and Bullwinkle Chili.

I have laughed a lot. I have cried, thankfully, I have laughed more. Overall, it was a really good year.

Bittersweetness

My little peanut is really a sweetie. I wish his brothers could see what a darling he is but they see him as the annoying little brother who sings or talks incessantly and not the cutie who is imaginative, inquisitive and energetic. To them, he is the Destroyer of Lego Creations, Inept at All Playstation Games and The One Who Cannot Speak Correctly.

Someday, I pray, they will see him differently.

Today, I caught a glimpse of his heart and it touched me deeply and as I thought about it, once again, I arrived at work with my make-up a mess and my eyes red from crying.

Over the last few weeks, he has been mentioning my ex-fiancee’ a lot. Or as he is known in our house “The One Who Shall Not Be Named”. BB is very adamant that there is to be NO discussion EVER about him. Clearly, we have all been hurt and we each have to deal with our pain in our own way. BB would like to forget he ever existed. PH never talks about him. Princess just sighs sometimes. Peanut tries to bring him up and shares his memories, only to be shot down by BB with a sharp, “You must not talk about him. Ever.”

I had an opportunity last week to talk with BB a bit about Peanut and some of the things that Peanut will have to deal with. Peanut has never met his real Dad and because his Dad is in prison for a very long time and most likely will not be up for parole until Peanut is grown up, a meeting is not going to happen. PH was pretty much a baby when we fled from Texas. So, he has very little memory of his Dad but he does have pictures. But even though Peanut has never met Dad, I explained, does not mean he does not feel sad about it. It does not mean he does not feel the loss too. In some ways, he may feel it more or at least very differently because he has never known his father.

So, my fiancee’ was the closest thing Peanut had to experiencing what life could be like with a Dad. And in “The One Who Shall Not Be Named’s” defense, he was very loving to Peanut (not so much with BB or PH). So Peanut did develop a bond. And because he was just 5 when I broke the engagement and BB was so adamant that this was never to be discussed in his presence, Peanut has not really processed the grief.

Over the last few weeks, he has said things to me like “NY (the other nickname) loves Jesus now, Mommy.” He knows that this is a serious requirement for a relationship with me. I thought that was sweet.

Darling, NY always loved Jesus. That was not the issue. He did not know how to love us and treat us all kindly. He did and said things that hurt Mommy and it was not a good relationship. I know it hurts.

Then this morning, Peanut woke up before any of his brothers and he and I got some Mom to Boy time. He mentioned TOWSNBN again. So, I asked him if he was missing him.
“No. Not really.”

Well, sweetie, if you do miss him, it’s OK. He was very sweet to you and I know you really loved him and were sad that he left.

“Mommy, I don’t like that my Dad went to jail.”

And there is the dagger that stabs me in the heart every time.

Aww, baby. I know. It’s a hard thing. You were born here in MN and your Dad was in TX. You never got to meet him. That is a sad, sad thing.

So, maybe in his 6 year old way, he is moving through his grieving process. I am also trying to help my other kids understand that grief and loss is not the same for everybody. We all have lost the same person but our experiences with him are very different and our feelings are different too. We can’t, therefore, tell each other that they can’t feel this or they can’t feel that or throw it in each other’s face that they never met him.

Am I doing a good job in explaining this to them? I hope so. I think it is good that I am even making an attempt. It is hard for me to choke back my own pain and grief to deal with theirs. I have come a long way. There would have been a time when I would not have been able to have had this kind of conversation with any one of my children without bursting into tears and running from the room or without feeling anger boiling up inside of me. Today, what I felt was the sadness in my little boy.

I would do anything to take that pain away. I can’t do that, I know. But if I could, I would in a heart beat. So, instead, I will just hold his hand and help him walk through it.

I realized this last week that I have healed a great deal because I find that I am better able to handle the pain and sadness of others. I can take my eyes off of myself more and more. Last week, a friend of mine lost his dog when he was hit by a car. When I found out about it, I was overwhelmed with sadness for my friend. I wanted to just run over and wrap myself around him and his two sons and take away the pain. I don’t know how many times I cried for my friend and his grief over his dog. I pondered it for days. Why did I cry this much over an animal I had only met a few times? He was a sweet dog that was sure. But he was not my pet. I finally figured out it was the pain my friend was going through. I wanted to comfort him. I wanted to take that pain away or do whatever I could to make it better.

It still confused me for a while. This was some very powerful emotion for me. And it was bothering me because I have not felt so deeply about other people in such a long, long time. My sisters told me a year ago, when I broke up with TOWSNBN, that I still had healing to do because I was still throwing myself into situations where I really did not belong, doing things that were not healthy for me and making decisions that were not good. They worried about me. This was why my Mom put the “Man-atorium” in place and gave the key to my sisters—to protect me and build in some accountability for my decisions. I can’t jump into a relationship or even go on a date unless I have the permission and the “man-atorium” lifted by my sisters. I chuckled at first, when my Mom told me about it. I thought it was cute. Then as time went by and I realized she was serious, I was kind of mad about it. How dare they do this to me? I am 37 (and a half), surely I can make decisions about my life and who I can and want to date.

When I search my heart and look back, I sigh, and realize, they are right. I have not had a great track record. I have reacted and been impulsive and ignored my good judgement. I let emotion rule over good sense and intuition.

How does this tie in to my son’s grief and crying over my friend’s dog? I think it has to do with a change that has occurred in me over the past year. I am healing at a different level now. I have moved from being very self-centered and self-focused to being able to see others outside of myself and the things that are going on with them.

Does this mean I am going to cry over every sad story someone tells me? I don’t think so. But I do think that it means that God has a plan for me and it extends beyond my own skin. He wants me to see others. He wants me to be able to feel the hurts of others. He wants me to be able to reach out and offer comfort to those who are hurting because that is what He provided to me when I needed it the most. The table is turning and I am moving out of one who is in a constant state of need to becoming a person who can meet the needs of others.

I think I am going to cry again. And I am totally OK with that.

I almost forgot...One more

I will develop all of my 35mm film which includes the 16 rolls in my desk drawer, the 2 disposable cameras and any further rolls of film I may take this year. I currently have 8 rolls of film that I can load up in my camera and shoot away.

I miss my digital camera. But I can't say that I hate my SLR...it takes awesome pictures. And someday, I will switch over to a digital SLR.

Resolutions…

I don’t know if I really like making resolutions. But I do like turning the page on the calendar and feeling like I have a chance to start fresh. Instead of making resolutions, which seem to be made on January 1 and fall apart by January 10, I have been thinking about things I would like to work on or do differently this year.

I have been listening to some people on the radio talk about how to set goals that are more likely to be achieved. The first is to be Realistic. The second is to be Specific. This did get me thinking and I changed my stance on “My Resolution is to make no resolutions.”

**I will increase my level of healthiness by incorporating more veggies and fruit and less processed food into my diet. It means more cooking from scratch and more planning ahead. But that is not such a bad thing.

**I will increase my level of healthiness by getting more exercise and doing more active things with my kids. I take the stairs whenever possible, walk across the far end of the parking lot and run up and down the stairs at home, rather than making one of the kids fetch things for me. And I will use my pedometer. In the spring, I will take walks in the evening with the kids or bike rides.

**I will become more financially confident by being more mindful of my finances and applying the things I am learning about giving, saving and spending and setting a realistic budget. I have already started some very good behaviors like using cash for certain expenses like my daycare, gas and groceries. It keeps me in check.

**I will tithe regularly and have set my goal that I plan to achieve by the end of the year, with incremental increases planned through the year until I get there.

**I will save regularly following the same plan as my tithing.

**I will learn to relax about relationships and enjoy the friendships I have and try not to worry about whether or not I will find love and romance. I will quit mentally fighting my family’s “man-atorium” and accept that they are trying to protect me and help me heal and learn from my mistakes.

**I will continue to attend Bible study as it is offered at church and find a suitable guide to study on my own so that I can continue to grow spiritually.

**I will add devotions to our evening dinner routine.

I think that is a good list. I have covered spirituality, health, relationships and finances. I don’t think there is anything on that list that is not unreasonable or unrealistic. And since I have this down on paper, it will be interesting to see at the end of the year just how I did.