Negative Patterns

I read something today that challenged me and it is a question that some significant people who love me dearly have also asked me. I guess it is high time I put some thought into it.



The question I am pondering is: What are some negative patterns that continue to be repeated in past and/or present relationships?



Considering I was married to a controlling, abusive man, then went on to date two other abusive controlling men, I think there is a pattern, as opposed to just "bad luck". The article went on to say that I should take a few minutes to write down two negative patterns that have repeated, being careful not to point the finger at the men but rather look within myself at what I have done, acted like, behaved etc.



So, I did it.



1) When I get into a relationship, I throw my whole self into it and give all my time to that person to the point of neglecting the other areas in my life that require my attention. This includes my time with kids, housework, and so forth. I spend as much time as possible with that person or thinking about them. When I was dating my husband, I pushed friends out of the way (not in a mean way...just did not spend time with them anymore). I did the barest minimum required for school and work and then spent all my time with my boyfriend/fiancee'. In the two dating relationships I had after my divorce, I did the same thing. I spent every spare moment with the man, neglected myself, my children and so forth.



2) I avoid conflict as much as possible. I hate fighting and arguing. So, if there were things that I did not like or did not agree with, rather than deal with them head on, I either ignored them or I changed my opinion to match his. This really did not serve me well in my marriage and opened up the gate to becoming a doormat and being wishy-washy. But also, I did everything I could do to keep the peace and keep him happy. What that did for me was erode who I truly was to the point where I felt like was hardly even a person any more and was really just a role--Mommy and Wife.



Whew. That was not fun coming up with that. But at the same time, it does feel good to look at myself and see that I have those patterns.



The next part of this exercise was even more interesting to me. The author pointed out that women have a tendency towards "all-or-nothing" thinking and when we see something negative that needs to be corrected, we go the other direction and completely root out that bad thing. However, the author pointed out that this pattern is repeating for a reason, even if it may be maladaptive. So, the next part is to take a look at one of those patterns and think about how that negative pattern could be a strength.

I chose to look at the second pattern and explore that one. I avoid conflict as much as possible in other areas of my life and not just romantic relationships. To see this as a strength, well, I do believe my desire to avoid conflict stems from my desire to keep and restore harmony in relationships. I want peace. And what I have seen of myself is that I am willing to work hard and do the work that needs to be done in order to bring the harmony back.

I think my task then is to take this strength and figure out how to restore harmony in relationships without sacrificing or compromising myself and who I am in the process. I do believe that the last 6 years has been a time for me to learn more about who I am as well as who I would like to be. I have discovered parts of myself that were long dormant and parts of myself that are stronger than I thought. As I think about this now, the other thing I am seeing is a deep-seated fear of rejection. If I change myself, make the changes and adjustments, be who the other person wants me to be, then maybe they won't reject me. The kicker is that any person who truly wants to be my friend or otherwise, will accept me as I am; warts and all.

The only thing that stays the same is that everything changes.

This is how I feel things are moving in my life at the moment. I am facing changes at work, in my children, in my finances, in my health. Basically, every aspect of my life is being touched by change. This is difficult for me in that I am for the most part, a person who does not embrace change very well. I find it stressful and seldom do I find it exciting until I begin to see the benefits and reap the rewards of change.

At work, my supervisor approached me and told me that she would like to work on a different strategy for using me with the rest of my team. My job has always been sort of an evolutionary process anyway but I am quite comfortable right now. I have things going in a steady rhythm with the only issue being that I am a little bit bored because my case load is low. So, a challenge is not unwelcome but it is uncomfortable because I am going to have to stretch myself again. Some of the ideas we came up with were for me to plan to work with each new client a minimum of once a week for a month and then meet with the senior workers to determine whether I should continue further services. In some ways it will be good to talk it over with some other people and have some accountability for my decisions but I will sort of miss that autonomy. However, I can already sense a change in myself and the case managers as I have begun to tell them that if they refer clients to me, this is what I will do initially. I think they feel more supported by me. I am not feeling like I have to make a snap decision but can take more time to get to know a client. I can also do some more education which is something both my supervisor and I agree is one of my strengths and my passions. So, overall, it's a good change.

Last summer, I hit an extremely difficult time financially and it is something I am still trying to pull myself out of. It has been much slower than I anticipated. These changes take more time in order to become permanent patterns. Last summer, I did begin to read more about financial matters and how to better manage money. However, what I really wanted back then was someone to come alongside me and coach me and help me stay on track and keep me accountable. I knew about Crown Ministries and read a lot of things on their website. I tried to get a Crown coach but was never able to connect with anyone or even get a phone call back. It was frustrating. This winter, our pastor did a series on Biblical finances and also mentioned that our church would be starting up a Crown ministry. I was so excited, I could hardly contain myself. This was an answer to prayer, specifically, it was an answer to my prayers from last summer. I got my materials today and have started working on my homework. I am nervous and scared but at the same time, I need to change this area, so I am ready to go.

My health needs addressing too. Both of my parents have developed diabetes. My father is now insulin dependent and my mother is only monitoring her blood sugars and trying to make adjustments in her diet. I have been doing a lot of teaching with my clients on diabetes and I do not want to develop this myself. So far when I have had a fasting blood sugar done, I am below 100 which is good. It does not even put me in a pre-diabetic category. However, my cholesterol has been slowly creeping up and my blood pressure is all over the place. I take a blood pressure med for the purpose of controlling my migraines with the added benefit of controlling blood pressure. But my risk factors are frightening. So, I joined Weight Watchers again. This time, I go to meetings with a friend and this helps me so much, just knowing I have someone to go with and the cheer me on and that I can cheer on too. I peeked at where I started at two summer's ago when I did a WW group at work and I am still down about 10 lbs from where I started then. And I did lose 1 lb this past week with very little change except a lot of "thinking" and processing. This change is slower for me. But I have realized, I am not in a hurry. My goals for joining WW go beyond just weight. It is my overall health that I want to improve and if I can get down to what I weighed before I had children, that would be fantastic. Beyond that, I am not thinking that far yet because it is just too big. 30 lbs, improved health, lower cholesterol and increasing my activity level and setting a good example for my children, those are my initial goals.

Kids are Funny

My little Peanut told me that when he grows up he wants to get a motorcycle with a sidecar and then he will come and find me and drive me around. I asked him where he thought I would be that he would need to come find me. He did not know.

I did tell him that I was pretty sure that I would always give him my address.

Then he told me that I could always live with him.

But what if you find yourself a pretty girl who loves Jesus and you get married and don’t want to live with your mom?

BB chimes in, “Aunt Desert Bloom lives with your mom…”

True. But Aunt Desert Bloom does not want to continue to live with our Mom forever. She wants to sell her old house and buy a new house and live by herself with her dog and her cat.

I then proceeded to tease my boys further, as well as plant a seed for the future.

Peanut, I think you will grow up and marry Adelyn. She’s a pretty girl who loves Jesus.

“No! She stinks.”

BB, I think you will grow up and marry Abi. And PH, I think you will grow up and marry Hannah. And then you will give me lots of pretty little grand babies that I can spoil to the point that you will say, ‘Mom…stop spoiling my kids’ and I will then say, ‘But that is my job. I’m the grandma, I get to spoil the grand kids because I did not get to spoil you when I had to be MOM. It’s the circle of life.

They then proceeded to tell me the name of one of my friends that they think I should marry. To which I pointed out that would need to be HIS decision. This gave me the opportunity to mention a little bit about what I believe dating is meant to be. I told them that I believe it is to be the man or the boy who asks the girl out and tells of his intentions and not vice versa, even if the world is telling a different story. The Bible is full of stories about men approaching women they are interested in and then approaching her family in order to ask permission to date her.

This went a little bit above their heads but I knew I was just planting a seed.

Later, I shared the conversation with my daughter. She is more fertile soil at this point and was far more interested. And my point to her was different. I did tell her that I believe a boy who wishes to go out with her will be a nice boy who will treat her kindly and if he doesn’t, then he is not worth her time because she is precious and deserves to be treated as such.

I also shared again the illustration from my own life, one that she witnessed, in which I broke off an engagement with a man who started off being loving and kind but as time went on became more controlling and abusive both to myself but also to two of my boys.

“So, you kicked him to the curb.”

Yes, honey, I did. No woman deserves to be treated in a way that is less than respectful and if a man cannot love all of my children, then he cannot love all of me. We are a package.

An Object Lesson

BB has issues with impulsivity. And at the present time, his impulsiveness is very high and his cooperation is very low. It's not a good mix. But I am on to him and he is not good at hiding things from me. We stopped at a gas station while on our way to Walmart. I was feeling sick and needed the restroom. The boys said they needed to go as well. Unfortunately, boys are very often quicker than girls. This in itself puts me on high alert. They were acting very suspicious in the car so I asked them to empty their pockets and sure enough, they had taken 3 packs of gum. Caleb refused to come and I did not think in that moment, it was going to be best to drag him in kicking and screaming because he was not teachable. But I did get PH to come with me, reluctantly. He was very embarrassed and I was glad because I wanted him to be embarrassed.

While we drove to the gas station, the boys had been talking about buying a gas station when they are 30. BB will be in the office because he is the manager. PH will be the cashier and custodian. It was fun listening to them make their plans.

After driving off from the gas station, still fuming about the gum and resorting to what would amount to a pointless lecture, it struck me that I had an object lesson on hand.So, I talked to BB about his gas station and what it would mean if he was the owner and someone stole a pack of gum from him.

"Well, I would be really mad and I would call the cops."

Really? You would call the cops every time a pack of gum was missing? Would you notice?

"Well, I would have cameras up. I would know."

Do you think the gas station we were in had cameras?

"I looked. There weren't cameras. No one saw us."

Does that make it right? To take something that you did not pay for because no one saw you?

"Well, no."

OK, suppose that when you own a gas station, you notice that everyday 5 people each steal a pack of gum. Each pack of gum costs $1. How much is that a day?"

"$5."

"Right. How much would that be a week?"

"$35."

Hmmm. That is starting to sound like a lot more money. How much is it if that happens every day for a month?"

"$140."

So, BB, why would someone want to own a gas station?

"I don't know. I think it would be cool. I like gas stations. They have lots of things that people buy."

That's true. Usually, people buy a business because they think it will make money and it is their source of income. If you are losing $140 a month just because people are stealing $5 a day, that is money you are expecting to have go into your pocket to pay your bills and expenses but now you don't have it.

"Ohhh."

Light bulb moment.

What is even funnier or more profound was how this morning, when he was in the shower he says, "Mom, how much is 140 times 12?"

Little does he know that I don't do math in my head real well. I need paper or a calculator.

1680. Why?

"I was trying to figure out how much money it would cost for a year. you know, like we talked yesterday."

The boy is still thinking about this. Something connected. It amazed me that he has been thinking about this over night and that he still remembers the number we came up with yesterday afternoon. Not only is he thinking about the cost of stealing but he is also learning some practical application for math.

So Tired

BB's antics are wearing me out. I can tell that I am running up to the end of my rope. I lost my temper and it was far to easy to do so. Princess has been sick for the last two days and still does not seem to be over it. I told the kids that since she is the one who is sick, then she gets to pick the TV show. BB insisted that she was not really sick, "And you know it."

It was one smart mouthed comment too many. I tried to send him upstairs but he refused to go. So, I put my hands under his arm and escorted him and every other step, he would collapse. So, i grabbed his elbow and he accused me of pulling his arm out.

I get scared when I feel that anger rising inside me and the thoughts I have. He is just being so belligerant, rude and I want him to stop. I did manage to keep enough of my cool but I did raise my voice and I probably told him to "shut up" which has always been a big No-no. I regretted it when it flew out of my mouth however, I needed to get his attention and he would not stop talking over me.

I told him that he would have to stay in my room for 10 minutes until he could show me that he could behave appropriately both in action and in word. And if he came down and started in again with the mouthiness, then he would go back up. He shot back, "Breck (his therapist) all ready told me that. I don't need to hear it again."

Yes, you do. He is your therapist but I am your mom. Your actions have consequences. I set the rules, not you. YOu do not determine the time, the duration or the consequence you have. I do and I will. If you continue to talk back to me like this, then I will begin to add minutes.

I went down and set the timer. After, 10 minutes he came down but he was holding the alarm clock I had given to my daughter. He claimed that it was his and suddenly we were back to fighting.

BB, you are arguing with me again. You are being rude and disrespectful. Now you need to go back up and spend another 10 minutes in my room.

This time, I heard him breaking something but I did not go up until the timer went off. When he came down, he was quieter and I walked over to him and said, "OK, now you are more respectful and your consequence is over."

"You are going to be mad at me again."

No, this is finished. I am not mad anymore.

"Well, I don't know how to say it but I...uh....you are going to be mad."

Be honest and tell me what you did that I am going to be mad about.

"I broke the alarm clock and I took the keys off your computer."

There went my peaceful feelings and back came the anger. And then some.

If you were looking to make me mad, you did it. Now you need to go away because I need to calm down and if I look at you, I can not be calm. I get more and more angry.

I am exhausted. I don't know how much more of this I can take. He is wearing me down.

Resist and Annoy

Last weekend...part 2...Sunday



Stinky attitude has persisted through this past week. I am quite tired of the snotty responses and rudeness I am hearing from the mouth of my 10 year old. However, I have managed to keep my head about me and I am determined to be persistent in my efforts to maintain this control.



Last Sunday, we had a very busy day and while the busyness persisted, the rude attitude was minimal. Once the activity level dissipated, the mouthiness returned. In the evening, I asked the kids to clean the living room. BB was sitting on the couch and rather than helping with the cleaning, was critiquing every one else and what they were or were not doing. This caused a great deal of frustration and Princess was exasperated and announced, "I am tired of being the only one doing any work."



At this point, I conceded that she had a really good point. I then sent the other children upstairs and had a conversation with BB. I informed him that his behavior was not going to be tolerated and he would be cleaning the remainder of the living room by himself.



"Well, that is not going to happen."



At this point, I began to unplug the TV and the playstation and informed him that these items would not be back on until the living room was done.

"I didn't want to watch TV anyway...there's nothing on."

I continued to unplug and find a way to hide cords and thwart possible attempts to reconnect without permission.

"I don't really want to play video games because they are boring..."

I felt my temper beginning to rise and I walked into the garage to put something away and to gather my wits. After a prayer and a few deep breaths I walked back in and then headed upstairs.

By the way, BB, you may not come upstairs until your work is done.

I sat down at my computer and began to work...fine...I was on Facebook (but that is not an addiction I am willing to address at this point). He came up the stairs. I sucked in a deep breath and walked over, calmly (but I was holding back the anger).

BB, I told you that you are not invited to come upstairs with the rest of us until you finish your work. Head back down. I will be more than happy to see you in a while when you finish your job.

I gently urged him back down the stairs and then walked away and went back to my desk. Within a few minutes, I heard some strange noises. I shuddered and figured I was going to find something broken because he was throwing a fit.

But the sound continued and then I recognized it. The vacuum!

I did a victory dance...in my head. If I actually did one, it would have spoiled the effect of MOM in CONTROL. But inside, I was jumping, dancing and whooping for JOY!! However, rather than go downstairs, I waited.

He came up a few minutes later and shyly said, "Hi. I'm done."

I heard the vacuum. Let us go and see your work.

"By 'us', do you mean you?"

No, I mean you and I will go down and see what you have done.

In that moment, I decided that no matter what the living room looked like, this kid needed positive feedback. He had pushed through and had chosen the right thing. When we went down, I pointed out a few things he needed to pick up and then I gushed about what he had done and invited him to join us upstairs.

Something has changed inside me. It's hard work but it is working. To myself, I say "Go Girl! Keep it up!"

Showdown Weekend Part 1

I have talked about my son with ADHD. We have been in a very quiet and pleasant place for a while. Always in the back of my mind, I have known it was bound to turn and we would be back to challenging behaviors and "attitude".



That time has come. Even though I knew it would come, I was still caught off guard because I did not see any warning signs. It is as if he woke up on Saturday and decided, "Yup, this is it. Today is the day I am going to ride every one of her nerves, challenge every request and be as smart-mouthed about it as I possibly can. Game on."



I recognized it quickly and I have been trying to gain control of my own emotions and get back to being rational. It is very, very hard. My feelings are very raw and I am on a tight rope of losing my cool at any moment or running into my room and hiding in a corner with my thumb in my mouth in a full blown pout and/or cry.



However, considering that I am supposedly the grown-up...the In-charge One...Maker of Rules and Destroyer of Fun...and the new one "You make us work to hard!". To which I would love to stand on the dining room table, broom in my hand, a cape flowing behind me, a fantastic hair-do (as all the superhero's have fantastic hair AND capes...) and say to the little ones below, "You think THIS is hard? Why don't you try working for a living, doing all your laundry, planning menus, shopping, budgeting, paying bills, washing dishes, cleaning dirty toilets and picking up your filthy, stinky socks and attempting to make them white again...Ha ha ha...Cleaning the living room is NOTHING!...and don't forget to get under the end tables because it annoys me."



I think they would laugh. And I need to be taken seriously.



BB, in his determined way, had a doozy of a weekend. It required a 2 hour recovery period on my part on Sunday afternoon. He wore me out but he did not wear me down. I am proud of the fact that for the most part, with the exception of a few loud outbursts, I kept cool and level-headed.



It started on Friday night when we went to Sam's Club and there was a mistakenly labeled PS2 game that the boys have "only wanted FOREVER" and the price was $18. I have to admit, I was excited too. Between the two oldest boys, they had $15. I could cough up the other $3, on the condition that they would work it off. However, it turned out that it was for a PSP. Their faces were sad and downcast. BB insisted that we drive to a different Walmart than we usually go to and described it only as " the one Grandma took me too". Little does he know that I know of about 7 different Walmart's , any one of which Grandma could have taken him to as she also knows the "W circuit", and I was no where near "in the mood" to drive all over in the hunt for a game after a long day of work followed by shopping. He grumbled and griped.



Saturday morning, he woke up in a fowl mood. He had a basketball game, supposedly his last one, at 8 am. He broke his end of our bargain about taking his Strattera. The bargain being that he would take his medication quickly and without grumbling, complaining or fussing and I would provide chocolate syrup for his milk that he takes his med with. It took 10 minutes that we did not have to lose in order to get him to swallow it.


After his game and our celebratory breakfast at Denny's with the family, we headed to Gamestop to check for a used copy of Lego Indy. No go. While the boys browsed the video games, I put their names down for haircuts at the shop next door. We headed over to Target since we had 2 hours to kill before the hair appointments. Shortly after this, things fell apart. Big time.



Target had the game but it was double the price I was willing to pay. And I explained this. But it did not make BB happy. He was upset. I am fine with that. It was disappointing but I had a plan in mind and I would have shared that plan with him if he would have listened but he decided instead to be so angry that he would not hear a thing I said.



When I was checking out, BB disappeared. I sent the other kids off to look for him and suddenly, I had no children in sight. As I wheeled the cart over in the direction I had seen them go, I saw BB lurking around the books. He would not look me in the eye and he would not follow me. I found the other kids and we swung back by BB but he still refused to come along. I have found when he acts like this, it is best to not give him a lot of attention but instead, walk away and he will follow eventually. He knows I will not leave him behind but he does not get a victory in seeing me get all flustered or bent out of shape.

I got all the way out of the store, stopped to "adjust" my shoe and peer behind me. He still had not come out. I got all the way to the van, loaded the bags, the other 3 were belted in. I started the van and looked in the mirrors and still no sign of him. I decided then that I would drive over towards the door and if need be, I would now HUNT HIM DOWN. As I pulled up to the curb, he was slowly walking and pretending he did not see me. I pushed the button to open the side door and called out to him. He ignored me and did not get in the van.

I had to go out and get him. Looking back, it could have looked very much like a poorly executed kidnapping as I tried to grab a very reluctant child and pull him into a waiting, engine-running, black van with the side door open. This boy continues to have the ability to turn his bones into rubber as well as be able to act like an octopus with all 8 arms and suction cups working to prevent himself from being put in the van and to keep his mother, who is fighting to keep her cool, from getting him in to the van. Every time I got his legs folded in to the van and the door shut, he would push the button and open the door. So, I would do it again. And he would push the button.

In desperation, I told his sister to lock the door when I got him in and the door shut, not thinking how I was going to get myself into the van. This did not work. Stupid van doors with automatic buttons. Sometimes technology is not my friend.

I kind of knocked him off the seat and onto the open floor by the seat and got the door shut, telling Peanut to sit down and take the seat. But he then just opened the other door. I was ready to scream. I walked quickly to the other side of the van, muttering incoherently as I did, and this time, I grabbed him around the middle and shoved him into the back seat and told him in my hardest, yet not a yelling voice, "THIS WILL STOP NOW." And managed to get the door shut.

I scrambled to my seat, locked the doors and began to drive. Then my mouth opened and words were flying. I was white hot, seeing-red, going to explode MAD. I took the other 3 to their hair appointments and told BB that he was to stay in the car until he could sweeten up and I really did not care whatsoever if he got his haircut but he WOULD NOT be embarrassing me or our family again with his behavior.

I was very surprised when he stayed in the van and did not sulk in after a few minutes. I worried a little bit but one of my kids checked on him periodically and said he was asleep under his coat and his quilt. So, I stopped worrying so much. He needed the nap and I needed the break.

Later in the afternoon, he was much calmer and I was able to talk it through with him. He was able to identify that his choices were not beneficial and did not get him what he wanted. He also told me that he was having a very hard time because, "There are just so many things missing from my life."

These comments just tear into my heart every time. It does not get him off the hook for his behavior. But I know that sometimes his "Daddy hunger" is a little closer to the surface than other times. And when he is feeling stressed, it surfaces more quickly.

I think I have gotten better are recognizing that he is trying to start a fight. He wants to release the emotions he has inside him and for some reason, he knows that starting a big fight with me does that. But it is maladaptive and inappropriate. He needs to learn and I need to teach him better ways of coping with disappointment and complex feelings. I saw the signs that he wanted a power struggle and I did not give in. I tried to validate the feelings without excusing the behaviors. I also stuck to my guns about his behavior and my expectations. What I did not know on Saturday was that I would be tested again on Sunday.

Yay. More practice.