Tuesday, September 1, 2009

After the Fair

I think going to the Fair every other year is going to be quite alright with me. By that time, the not-so-good memories will have faded into that sweet, golden haze of reminiscence. We will have forgotten the sore feet, the stress of trying to get there, the bickering about where to go and when and who does and does not want to do what. And the internal screaming in my head about how much money was spent at the fair will have subsided or at least slipped into a softer whisper.

The things I will remember about this year's trip to the MN State Fair:

1. Riding the bus and listening to Peanut tell strangers about what he was looking forward to at the fair.

2. Buying my kids their very first Pronto Pup and watching them enjoy it.

3. Having BB ask to take my picture with my head poking out of the face of the Mona Lisa outside the Fine Arts building and enjoying the fact that it was completely his idea.

4. Cheesecurds and the noises we make while eating them.

5. Peanut driving the mini tractor at the Little Hands farm, and taking it off the approved path and then causing a traffic jam with the other little tractors. The rest of us stood laughing and called it "Bumper Tractors".

6. Princess holding Peanut's hand while crossing the streets and the moment when she looked over at me and then grabbed mine. There won't be too many times when a 12 year old girl will want to hold her mother's hand.

7. BB's one quest: to find the WCCO booth. It's his favorite station. He loves Don Shelby and the "Good Question" segment. He got to watch the weather man tape his voice over and he claims he was on TV. Who am I to steal his 15 minutes of fame?

8. Riding the bumper cars with my kids.

9. The Miracle of Life Barn. I could spend all my time there. It's my favorite. BB found his favorite calf named Charley. The boy loves cows. PH found the piglets and even got to pet his favorite one. We got to see all the fuzzy ducklings and the little peeps.

10. The sigh of relief when I found Peanut after we used the bathroom and thought he was lost. And the pride I felt when I realized that his brother PH went to look and wait for him so he would not get scared.

11. BB hugging a 6 foot inflatable Kemps cow.

12. The laughter of my children as they rode the swings in the Kidway.

13. The look of sheer delight on BB's face as he rode the Giant Slide and then his remark afterwards, "That was so fun! I guess this place is not so bad after all." (He had been feeling a little let down by what he was seeing at the Fair)

14. Watching Peanut ride the slide, absolutely stone faced but then when he hit the bottom, he stood up, grinned broadly and said, "That was so awesome!" Two years ago, when he rode that slide, he was so scared, he declared he would never ride it again.

15. As we left the fair, Peanut hit "Meltdown Mode" and was crying. PH who had bought a Whoopee cushion, inflated it and came over and said, "Will this cheer you up?" and proceeded to squeeze it. I would have laughed but Peanut just shot him a nasty glare and kept crying.

16. The feeling of relief of sitting on the bus after all that walking.

17. Making silly faces at Peanut who was sitting several seats away.

18. Eating ice cream cones on the drive home.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

I feel like Eyeore

I mentioned before that August is a bad month for me. And this has been one of the toughest ones I have had in a long time. My kids, however, have done beautifully. And for that I am grateful. I am the one who feels like I am falling apart.

I have been so tired; physically and mentally. I just can't seem to get enough sleep. I have been feeling that way all summer, actually. I can find no reason to explain it. I get enough sleep. I seem to sleep well when I go to bed. Nothing has changed in that area. I just find it harder and harder to wake up in the morning. It finally did dawn on me a week or so ago. Depression.

My black cloud.

I thought I had it under control. I take an antidepressant every day. I have for about 12 years, since I developed severe post-partum depression. I have tried to take myself off of it a few times and know that when I do, it's bad for everyone because I get irritable, moody and tired. Life is just no fun. So, I decided that like my thyroid medicine, it is something I will take lifelong.

Things have just slipped downhill to the point where I cannot fix it alone. Thankfully, I do have several people in my life who are aware and watch for me. They see the signs and call me out. I kind of blew it off at first but I tucked the warning away in a corner where it could whisper to me, getting louder until I had to listen.

My breaking point found me driving to work, crying over a silly comment a friend made on my Facebook page. I know it was meant in fun but I blew it out of proportion in my head and felt hurt, then angry, followed by sadness and tears. It hit me that I was being completely irrational. I had to talk it out in order to hear it. When I heard the words come out of my mouth, I heard how irrational it was and then I could talk myself through that and get over it.

I called and got myself into my doctor. I called and set up therapy. I talked to my Mom. I know I am getting myself back on track but I still feel like I am dragging my black cloud around with me. I still feel tired. I did find out from my visit with my dentist and my doctor that I had an infected tooth that required a root canal. I got that taken care of. I also learned that I am deficient in Vitamin D which could be contributing to my increased depression. A simple supplement could take care of that, along with the bump in my antidepressant. I also learned that this crazy problem I have been having with pain in my thumb is actually something, and not just my imagination. So I have a splint to wear in order to rest my thumb and get the swelling down around the nerve because it may be a repetitive stress injury.

I fight every day to get up. I fight every day to keep myself on track financially but I struggle with feeling both apathetic and hopeless that I cannot ever manage my banking right, so why bother. I continue to feel gloomy and irritable. It does seem better, but it is very slow.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

The Un-iversary

August is one month I do not look forward to for many reasons. It marks the imminent end of summer. It is usually the hottest month and I find myself suffering under the heat and humid. It also marks the anniversary of my flight from Texas, 7 years ago and then a year later to the week, my divorce after 10 years of marriage.

I thought I was doing fine this year. I was very busy in July and knew that this time was coming. I figured that awareness was the bulk of my battle. So, I was surprised last week when I found myself falling apart. I was crying over the smallest thing. I found myself oversensitive, irritable and irrational.

I guess that awareness did not prevent the emotions from rising to the surface. I did do some things differently this year however. Instead of shutting myself out and hiding from the world, I reached out to friends. And many friends reached back out to me with love and support.

So, maybe every year, I will continue to remember that Un-iversary. It slowly feels less and less painful but I think of it like a scar; I always know it's there and sometimes the old wounds ache. But I am so thankful that I have family and friends who love me and surround me, especially in those times when that scar is throbbing.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Back from vacation

What happened to July? I think I blinked twice and missed it and find myself in August.

Actually, we did a lot of fun things in July and time went by really fast. We took a family vacation, the first in several years...and the first in which no one was in diapers, pull-ups or requiring every 3-4 hour feedings. We were invited to go to Conference Point Center in Williams Point, Wisconsin on beautiful Lake Geneva for a week-long family camp. We had a truly amazing time. Rather than regale you with every little detail I thought I would share with you some of the funniest quotes from our trip:

BB who truly is a great reader but some words are new and tricky to pronounce on the first try noted that we were now passing by "Ewwww Claire and Chip-a-wee-ah Falls"

We stopped for lunch in Madison, WI at a farm where our friend's sister and her family live. It was beautiful. BB commented, "I smell cows. I know they are here somewhere."

[I should mention that he LOVES cows. He is not too fond of any other furry creature and tolerates our two feline pets but thinks cows are cool. ]

Upon discovering the cows, he remarks, "I have now seen cows up close. This is the best part of the trip."

But we haven't even gotten to camp yet, BB...

"I know. But I have seen cows and this is it. It's all I need."

As the children, who numbered 8 at this point, studied the cows, the grown-ups conversed and the subject of the cows gender came up. Chris's sister stated that all of these are steer. Nina then asked, "What is the difference between a bull and a steer?"

I said, thinking carefully because there are lots of little ears around, "Well...they are all boy cows who cannot make baby cows."

Peanut commented, "Don't the cows know that they have bugs on them?"
Mom--"Yes, but they can't really do anything about it."
BB--"That is because they don't have opposable thumbs."

Later as we pulled into camp and our feet had not even left the van, the kids exclaimed, "This is the best place ever...when we come back next year..."

At lunch one day, the kids were playing with these accordion fans and next thing I knew we were talking in Japanese accents and saying, "Perhaps you are hot...Don't make me fan you..." and then we were doing karate moves with the fans as well. It might be a moment of "You had to be there."

While on a boat ride and trolling through a very swanky marina looking at yachts, the driver noted there was a large Northern swimming below. BB and PH looked over the side and watched it. PH, resting his chin on his arm, said wistfully, "I would like to be a fish."

BB, while walking around the camp with me commented, "I think I would like to be a cow. You can walk around and poop where ever you want. You can blow snot out your nose and lick it with your tongue and no one cares. Yup, I think being a cow would be a good thing."

"Mom, lets take the short cut to our cabin." Ha!! It wound up being a tour around the windy path of the point with some steep, muddy slopes, rocks and finally a steep climb up to our cabin that took about 20 minutes. Whereas had we cut across camp, it would have taken us 5.

"We're the Gospel Fuzzies, Yeah."

While bowling, I will note that the kids had bumpers up and I did not but I still hold my title as the Gutterball Queen, the kids were laughing at my feeble attempts to bowl...I had also been playing volleyball all week and had injured my elbow...

I said, "Well, I am playing poorly so that you can all feel good about yourselves." To which my daughter looked at me, raised up an eyebrow and burst out laughing.

Good times. Good memories and we will go back next year.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Moments

I think that life is full of "moments" rather than of events or days. I can do all sorts of planning for a special day and then when the day comes, something comes along to unravel all my perfect planning. Shoes get lost, we oversleep and start late, tempers flare and I find myself gritting my teeth wondering if it is even worth the trouble.

However, over this past weekend, I did plan several BIG THINGS but the "Things Unplanned" almost got in the way. One of the things that almost blew it was an item that I purchased for myself and had not even used yet disappeared. I bought a mini cassette recorder with the intention of recording my story for the book I want to write since I keep getting stuck as I try to write. A friend suggested taping myself and then "transcribing" it as a way to get over the blocks. One one of my kids was even aware I had bought it and the other who was with when I did would not have any idea what it was. So, this narrowed down my list of plausible suspects to the two eldest children.

I was very upset by this. I needed to get it across to them that I take these breaches of security seriously and I was not going to just sit by and "take it". There was going to be a serious consequence for everyone if this item did not get found and returned to me by the end of the day. "Nobody" knew anything about it. Nobody knew where it could be and Nobody could find it. So, I said unless this tape recorder and the tapes were on my bed by the end of the day, Nobody was going to Duluth on Friday.

I had to remind them of this several times through out the day. I did not want to cancel the day trip. I was looking forward to it just as much as the kids were. It was my mini vacation as well. But a lesson needed to be learned and the consequence needed to be strict or they would not get it.

By the time I got home from work, the tape recorder was found and put on my bed. No one confessed to taking it but it was my daughter who found it. At that point, I decided I would let the guilty conscience work its magic. At some point, the guilty party is going to come clean.

We were able to enjoy a fantastic day in Duluth with my friend Beth and her two nephews. We packed a lot into just a few hours but all 6 children said it was one of their favorite days. For me, the moment I remember most was sitting on the beach, watching all 6 children running and splashing into the ice cold water and squealing with delight. I could feel the warm, soft sand under my feet. Then two of my boys came over and tried to bury my feet. It was splendid to just be there and for a brief time, not think about anything else in my life but that time with my children. Later on, we moved up the shore to the "rock beach" as we call it and I sat on a rock, looked out across Lake Superior and said to Beth, "We live in a great state." I love Minnesota.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Teachable Moments

Last week, on the last day I had with just my boys (before Princess came home from camp), someone asked a question about what particular road sign meant. I explained it and then more and more questions and discussions came up about road signs. What surprised me was the length of our conversation and how engaged the boys were in it.

As I explained signage to them a few things occurred to us about the use of color and symbols:

1. Black and Yellow signs are warnings. They tell the driver that something is going to change; a road is going to curve sharply, a road is getting narrower, cars will merge into the lane. These signs, I told the boys, mean the driver needs to pay attention to what is coming.

The question came up then about a sign that had a railroad track on one side and a black line parallel to it and then a black line cutting across it. I asked BB to tell me what he thinks it means. He figured out that it means there is a train track next to the road and then asked "But why do I care? I can see the train track."

Ahhh, young grasshopper...in daylight, yes, it's easy to see but at night or when the trees are thick, that track is hidden and then what if we decided we needed to turn. It would be good to know that there is a track there and there are no bells or road bars that come down if a train comes so a driver has to pay attention to the environment and a possible change.

"Ohhhhh. I still don't care about the train track but OK."

2. Red & White signs or Red, White and Black signs give instructions, usually in things we can't do: No Left turn, No U-turn, No Parking, Do Not Enter, Stop.

3. Green & White signs are information signs about streets. They tell the driver the street name or upcoming roads.

4. Brown & White signs give information about points of interest like museums, zoos, scenic overlooks and historical sights.

So, then one of my bright boys said, "Why do we need all these signs and colors?"

Good question!! I explained it like this, "When I am going down the road at 55 mph, I am doing a lot of different things like keeping my foot on the gas, checking my mirrors, checking my speed, watching the road and then also trying to find where I am going. I need information but I can't or don't have time to read a long paragraph such as "Oh, the road up here is going to turn sharply to the right, so you are going to need to slow down a bit and also watch for cars merging into your lane as you turn onto White Bear Avenue."

BB giggled. He got the point. "So, you need to know stuff fast."

Yup, and it has to be something everyone can figure out.

We spent the next several minutes of our trip guessing what different signs meant. I do believe that this was one of our first driving lessons. It was fun.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Why TulipMom's been gone so long...

After weeks of wandering alone and disoriented in the badlands of Mt. Washmore and the Denim Valley, a friendly face appeared. He was on horseback but when he got close to her, he dismounted. She noticed that he wore the uniform of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. She was so tired, hungry and thirsty, she didn't care that it was strange to come across a Mounty this far south of Canada. She took the canteen he offered and drank as if she had never tasted water before.

He helped her onto his horse and then climbed up behind her. She told him her tale. It started out as a simple journey, one she has made hundreds of time. She visits Mt. Washmore at least every few weeks. But this time, the trip was more treacherous on a count of some unforseen spring storms and an unreliable Sherpa named Luigi.

Never again would she hire a Sherpa from an ad on Craigslist or someone advertising a discount because they are "building up a client base and a resume" and then when asked about their education, he states he took his courses online but had mono and missed the semester where they traveled to the mountains. He assured her it was OK because he had been practicing with packs and lines in his backyard and studying his textbooks.

At the first crack of thunder and a loose boulder that looked sort of like boxer shorts with spiderman and something akin to "skid marks", Luigi ran off, shreiked like a 5 year old girl, cried, "Mommy!" and stuck his thumb in his mouth. She realized then that it wasn't a good idea to keep the map in his pack.

Over the next few days, she continued to climb Mt. Washmore and thought she reached the summit, only to discover yet another peak she had never seen before. She headed toward it and discovered it was just a mirage. This confusion threw her for a loop and as supplies dwindled she grew more disoriented. She found herself wandering further and further away from the mountains and deep in the Denim Valley.

It's a good thing she did let her friends and family know where she was going so when she did not show up for dinner, they could send for help.

It could have happened like that. Or perhaps she has been knee deep in laundry, dishes, the end of school and the start of baseball...and an over-active imagination.