For those who don't know, ADON stands for Assistant Director of Nursing. That's my new title. It's a big one. And the job is big too. I learn every day just how big it is. The best way to describe how I feel is "I now know what I don't know." Every day I encounter something new. However, I like it. I do worry that I am not cutting it. Working in long term care requires being able to think and work fast. Before I took this job, I thought I was a quick learner. Right now, I feel like I am crawling along like a snail while everyone else is flying past like a cheetah. It is my perception, I am sure. And a great deal of insecurity.
After one particularly difficult day in which I had been asked to do several things I did not know how to do, and I did not do them well, I commented to the woman who is taking the place of the retiring Director of Nursing, "It hurts to grow. And I am being stretched in every direction."
I think about that a lot. I think it is probably the most accurate assessment I could make about myself and my current position. I took a job that was bigger than I had ever taken on before but even though it is big and has a lot of responsibility, I can grow into the role. I battle myself with perfectionism and wanting to do everything perfectly, the first time and when I make mistakes, I feel like I can't do it at all. It does help to remember that I am growing. I am stretching and it can be painful and it doesn't happen all at once.
I am far too hard on myself.
On a lighter note, I need to find a stapler, a bunch of rubber bands, a stash of paper clips and a highlighter. There is a stash of office supplies somewhere in the building. I have yet to find it. I have already discovered that if I give out a pen, I will not get it back. So, when I came upon a deal at Target for 144 black stick pens for $5, I bought them and I keep them in my desk. These are the ones I hand out to nursing assistants who ask for one. The ones I like to use, I keep in a different spot.
It's like a crazy game of Hide-n-Seek for grown-ups.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
How we're doing...
How do I answer this question?
It depends on the day. It depends on my mood. It depends on who is asking.
This week marks 6 months since my Dad died. I have felt quite sad. I haven't cried, even though I feel like I should. I just can't seem to make the tears come. I think about him a lot. I miss him every day. Probably a day does not go by when I don't wish I could just call him on the phone and tell him something little or silly or just talk something through.
My kids are doing OK. And by OK, I mean OK. They have good days and bad days. Two of my boys are struggling in school and I think grief has a lot to do with it. BB is pulling D's and F's but his test scores are far above the district and school level. He is so smart but he just has not been turning in homework. But the jig is up and he has a teacher at school checking every day. He has me checking every day. The computer has become one of my greatest assets because he likes to spend time on it but he cannot when he has not done his homework. And if he forgets it at school, no computer either. I also talked to the school he is going to next year to see what kinds of things we can put in place for him so that this does not happen again.
Peanut is not reading real well or doing well in math. At his conference, I was told that he may need to be held back and repeat first grade. In some ways, this could be the best thing for him because he is a little immature and it might be just what he needs to get a handle on reading and math. We have 3 months to try to get his skill level up. I also called the school he will be going to next year to see if there is summer school available for him when we move. And there is. So, things are in motion for him.
On the other hand, my other two are doing well in school. Princess was on the A honor roll last semester. And now that she has done that once, she wants to do it again. But she is struggling with French. She continues to work hard. Pumpkin Head is doing great. His teacher thinks he is a sweetie and that he is really smart. He even bought himself a book with his allowance. I love that he is starting to read on his own. We will have to utilize the library a lot this summer and keep these kids in books!
My new job is going well. I feel a little nervous and overwhelmed because there is so much to learn and I have to learn it so fast. I love the residents. I am challenged every day. Sometimes I am frustrated, but more with myself because I am not up to speed. Last week was a hard week because 4 residents passed away over the course of the week. 3 of them were expected and one was a surprise. And we have entered our "window" for our Department of Health survey.
My new course for grad school is harder than my previous courses and is requiring more reading and processing than the others. My stress level is rising. I feel like I am falling behind in everything. However, I decided to combat my overwhelmed feelings by making a plan and a schedule for all the things I need to do including the laundry, the cleaning, the homework and so forth. This way I don't have to beat myself up for not getting everything done in one day.
One day at a time. One day at a time. One day at a time.
It depends on the day. It depends on my mood. It depends on who is asking.
This week marks 6 months since my Dad died. I have felt quite sad. I haven't cried, even though I feel like I should. I just can't seem to make the tears come. I think about him a lot. I miss him every day. Probably a day does not go by when I don't wish I could just call him on the phone and tell him something little or silly or just talk something through.
My kids are doing OK. And by OK, I mean OK. They have good days and bad days. Two of my boys are struggling in school and I think grief has a lot to do with it. BB is pulling D's and F's but his test scores are far above the district and school level. He is so smart but he just has not been turning in homework. But the jig is up and he has a teacher at school checking every day. He has me checking every day. The computer has become one of my greatest assets because he likes to spend time on it but he cannot when he has not done his homework. And if he forgets it at school, no computer either. I also talked to the school he is going to next year to see what kinds of things we can put in place for him so that this does not happen again.
Peanut is not reading real well or doing well in math. At his conference, I was told that he may need to be held back and repeat first grade. In some ways, this could be the best thing for him because he is a little immature and it might be just what he needs to get a handle on reading and math. We have 3 months to try to get his skill level up. I also called the school he will be going to next year to see if there is summer school available for him when we move. And there is. So, things are in motion for him.
On the other hand, my other two are doing well in school. Princess was on the A honor roll last semester. And now that she has done that once, she wants to do it again. But she is struggling with French. She continues to work hard. Pumpkin Head is doing great. His teacher thinks he is a sweetie and that he is really smart. He even bought himself a book with his allowance. I love that he is starting to read on his own. We will have to utilize the library a lot this summer and keep these kids in books!
My new job is going well. I feel a little nervous and overwhelmed because there is so much to learn and I have to learn it so fast. I love the residents. I am challenged every day. Sometimes I am frustrated, but more with myself because I am not up to speed. Last week was a hard week because 4 residents passed away over the course of the week. 3 of them were expected and one was a surprise. And we have entered our "window" for our Department of Health survey.
My new course for grad school is harder than my previous courses and is requiring more reading and processing than the others. My stress level is rising. I feel like I am falling behind in everything. However, I decided to combat my overwhelmed feelings by making a plan and a schedule for all the things I need to do including the laundry, the cleaning, the homework and so forth. This way I don't have to beat myself up for not getting everything done in one day.
One day at a time. One day at a time. One day at a time.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Thoughts on being lost...
This weekend I managed, in the span of 15 minutes, to lose two of my sons. When I look back, it could be viewed as being incredibly funny but I'm not quite ready to laugh yet. The situations occurred due to a lack of communication as well as a the seemingly natural inclination of boys to wander. When we go shopping at Target, I have allowed my children to pair off and go hang out in their two favorite areas of the store: Toys and Electronics. And they travel between the two. It has allowed me the freedom to get my other shopping done with some peace as well as efficiency that does not come with 4 children hanging about.
As I finished, I headed toward the Toy department and encountered the first pair and then we headed over to Electronics to gather the other two. In no time at all, I turned around and Peanut was gone. We searched the immediate area and there was no sign of him. I had the other 3 with me, and I planted them by a railing with STRONG instructions to stand by the cart IN THIS SPOT and I would go search for Peanut. I can move faster when not pushing a heavily laden shopping cart and 3 kids in tow. I searched the usual areas and still did not find him. So, I gathered the other 3 again and we set off to search the other half of the store. While we were talking, BB was chatting about how we should have a meeting spot to go to so that if we ever get separated again, we would know to go there and we would be found again. I told him this was a good idea but right now, we were searching for Peanut. All of a sudden it got quiet and I turned around and BB was gone.
This made me angry because I am confident that he took off, chasing some sort of wild hare. Even though we were just talking about this while searching for his little brother! He's been in a strange mood lately and I think that he may have thought on a subconscious level, that if he got lost too, he would get all of us looking for him and then the celebration when he was found would be sweet.
No time to dwell on that thought much because I figured Peanut was panicking somewhere or the worst thought a parent can have...someone snatched him. I hate that thought. I hate that we live in a world where those thoughts even have to cross a parent's mind. I grabbed a manager and told him I was looking for my 7 year old. He grabbed another employee. I turned around and saw Peanut running up the aisle near where we had been earlier. I sent Princess after him. He was crying. I was relieved.
And now I had another son to go find. But I was so embarrassed, I did not want to tell this manager that I had another child missing too. What kind of an idiot can't keep track of her children? And there are so many reasons that are none of the Target employees business as to why a second child would wander off. So, I paid for my purchases, parking my children in the main aisle telling them to watch for BB. Then I parked all of them in the little cafe with stern and I mean STERN instructions to stay put while I went to look for BB. I started walking the path we had been on before figuring he may have ducked down a side aisle to escape me.
I made it all the way over to Toys and an employee approached me and asked if I needed help finding anything. I said that I was looking for my son. She stayed on me even though I was trying to brush her off. I was so exhausted by this time as well as frustrated, angry and scared that finally I said, "I need help. I can't find him. And I'm so tired. I don't know what to do anymore."
She called a Code Yellow which got all of the available employees out looking for him. I was still embarrassed by all the attention. But when they found him and announced across the radio that he was at the service desk, I was relieved. But there was a growing anger inside me because I just felt it in my heart that BB did this on purpose. And how was I going to handle this?
The consequence, I decided, was that for out next trip to any store, no one would go anywhere without me. It's more of a punishment for myself than anything. It is also taking back a freedom that perhaps they cannot handle yet. I need to evaluate my communication with them on what my expectations are as well. I just can't do that in the heat of the moment nor on the brink of exhaustion.
The other issue that this story shows is just one other example of what my 11 year old is going through. He is in a full-blown depression. His behavior is erratic, irrational, irritating and prickly. I am having conversations with him about his prickly behaviors, trying to help him give a name to what he is feeling as well as describe what it looks like to the rest of us. This is the best description I have come up and it is working so far. I told him that he is acting like a porcupine that has raised up all it's needles. The reason a porcupine does this is for protection. It does not want bigger animals to come near and eat it or attack it softer parts. It's a defense mechanism. So, like the porcupine, BB is sticking out his prickly needles pushing people away with his behavior because he doesn't want to get hurt. But at the same time, he is pushing away the very people who love and care for him the most, and the ones who can help him.
I think this is a childhood manifestation of a clinical depression. I have talked with his pediatrician about it earlier this fall. Children, thankfully, do not get treated with medications for depression. Their brains are still developing. So, the best course is therapy. My issue now is that with my job change, my new health insurance is not completely set up yet. I have to talk to my boss about it on Monday and find out where that is at. The other problem is that the therapist we were using, while BB seemed to like him he was not connecting with him and wouldn't talk to him. And now his depressive symptoms are spilling over into school because I learned that he has been hiding his homework in his locker, he is disengaged in his classroom and it goes on and on.
I'm torn apart. I don't know what to do. I'm praying for him. I need to start praying with him and talking with him every day. On Monday, I will be calling the school psychologist and I am going to ask for a meeting with her, his teacher and other specialists that work with him to come up with some sort of a game plan to give him the support he needs to get through this. I don't think he can get through it on his own. He is crying out for help. I think he wants to know that people care, even though he is doing his very best to push people away. In a sense, he is lost.
As I finished, I headed toward the Toy department and encountered the first pair and then we headed over to Electronics to gather the other two. In no time at all, I turned around and Peanut was gone. We searched the immediate area and there was no sign of him. I had the other 3 with me, and I planted them by a railing with STRONG instructions to stand by the cart IN THIS SPOT and I would go search for Peanut. I can move faster when not pushing a heavily laden shopping cart and 3 kids in tow. I searched the usual areas and still did not find him. So, I gathered the other 3 again and we set off to search the other half of the store. While we were talking, BB was chatting about how we should have a meeting spot to go to so that if we ever get separated again, we would know to go there and we would be found again. I told him this was a good idea but right now, we were searching for Peanut. All of a sudden it got quiet and I turned around and BB was gone.
This made me angry because I am confident that he took off, chasing some sort of wild hare. Even though we were just talking about this while searching for his little brother! He's been in a strange mood lately and I think that he may have thought on a subconscious level, that if he got lost too, he would get all of us looking for him and then the celebration when he was found would be sweet.
No time to dwell on that thought much because I figured Peanut was panicking somewhere or the worst thought a parent can have...someone snatched him. I hate that thought. I hate that we live in a world where those thoughts even have to cross a parent's mind. I grabbed a manager and told him I was looking for my 7 year old. He grabbed another employee. I turned around and saw Peanut running up the aisle near where we had been earlier. I sent Princess after him. He was crying. I was relieved.
And now I had another son to go find. But I was so embarrassed, I did not want to tell this manager that I had another child missing too. What kind of an idiot can't keep track of her children? And there are so many reasons that are none of the Target employees business as to why a second child would wander off. So, I paid for my purchases, parking my children in the main aisle telling them to watch for BB. Then I parked all of them in the little cafe with stern and I mean STERN instructions to stay put while I went to look for BB. I started walking the path we had been on before figuring he may have ducked down a side aisle to escape me.
I made it all the way over to Toys and an employee approached me and asked if I needed help finding anything. I said that I was looking for my son. She stayed on me even though I was trying to brush her off. I was so exhausted by this time as well as frustrated, angry and scared that finally I said, "I need help. I can't find him. And I'm so tired. I don't know what to do anymore."
She called a Code Yellow which got all of the available employees out looking for him. I was still embarrassed by all the attention. But when they found him and announced across the radio that he was at the service desk, I was relieved. But there was a growing anger inside me because I just felt it in my heart that BB did this on purpose. And how was I going to handle this?
The consequence, I decided, was that for out next trip to any store, no one would go anywhere without me. It's more of a punishment for myself than anything. It is also taking back a freedom that perhaps they cannot handle yet. I need to evaluate my communication with them on what my expectations are as well. I just can't do that in the heat of the moment nor on the brink of exhaustion.
The other issue that this story shows is just one other example of what my 11 year old is going through. He is in a full-blown depression. His behavior is erratic, irrational, irritating and prickly. I am having conversations with him about his prickly behaviors, trying to help him give a name to what he is feeling as well as describe what it looks like to the rest of us. This is the best description I have come up and it is working so far. I told him that he is acting like a porcupine that has raised up all it's needles. The reason a porcupine does this is for protection. It does not want bigger animals to come near and eat it or attack it softer parts. It's a defense mechanism. So, like the porcupine, BB is sticking out his prickly needles pushing people away with his behavior because he doesn't want to get hurt. But at the same time, he is pushing away the very people who love and care for him the most, and the ones who can help him.
I think this is a childhood manifestation of a clinical depression. I have talked with his pediatrician about it earlier this fall. Children, thankfully, do not get treated with medications for depression. Their brains are still developing. So, the best course is therapy. My issue now is that with my job change, my new health insurance is not completely set up yet. I have to talk to my boss about it on Monday and find out where that is at. The other problem is that the therapist we were using, while BB seemed to like him he was not connecting with him and wouldn't talk to him. And now his depressive symptoms are spilling over into school because I learned that he has been hiding his homework in his locker, he is disengaged in his classroom and it goes on and on.
I'm torn apart. I don't know what to do. I'm praying for him. I need to start praying with him and talking with him every day. On Monday, I will be calling the school psychologist and I am going to ask for a meeting with her, his teacher and other specialists that work with him to come up with some sort of a game plan to give him the support he needs to get through this. I don't think he can get through it on his own. He is crying out for help. I think he wants to know that people care, even though he is doing his very best to push people away. In a sense, he is lost.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Not a Wit to be had
If I had any wits left, I'd be at the end of them. I'm just so doggone tired. My brain is full every day. I know that this is a temporary state of being and completely normal but it is hard to live like this for long.
I started my new job two weeks ago. I think it is going well. I am on complete information overload. I am trying to learn as much as I can about Long term care and my new responsibilities. For those who may read this and do not read any other stuff or talk to me in other capacities, let me fill you in.
In November, I learned that my nice job at the county was going to end due to budget cuts. My last day was January 8, 2010. There are frustrating things that one encounters when working for a large state operated system and union rules. Bureaucratic red-tape is the best description. Communication with me, the lowly staff person, does not seem to terribly high on the priority list. I found out on December 24 via an email that I did not actually read until the next week when I came back to work after the Christmas holiday that I had a temporary reassignment onto a unit that was going to be shut down and transferred to another facility, in another town. And because of that, I would also be included in their lay-off group and would be getting an official lay-off notice with my options. My options included a)take the lay-off b) "Bump" a less senior RN out of their position of which I could choose from one of the following 4 options...1 was a rotating day and evening position, 3 were straight nights. or c) take an open position but less than full time.
The way I had always understood things was that if you had a significant amount of seniority, the options should not be so lousy. I had 30 people under me in seniority and this was my option. Something about this really bugged me but I couldn't put my finger on it until the week I started back at the Treatment center in orientation and talked with some of the staff who were working on the unit that was being shut down. A very brand-new RN had bid off to another unit and for some reason, was considered "safe" from the lay-off or from being "bumped". Why would this RN who had worked for a few months be assured of a job when I, who had worked for the state for over 6 years, 3 1/2 of which were as an RN get stuck working nights? It didn't make sense and I was getting mad.
An opportunity sort fell into my lap. There is no other way to describe it. My friend from college works at a nursing home in Minneapolis. She is one of the directors and told me that they were looking for a couple of nurse managers and would I consider it? Initially, I said I would wait a while and see how things played out with the state but then when I started learning about all this other junk going on, and she posted a little plug on Facebook about the job (not just to me but to others who might know good nurses) I wrote to her and said, "Consider me interested." As she and I wrote back and forth, the administrator chimes in on the discussion and says, "Tulip, you call me tomorrow."
In actuality, my first week of training at the treatment center, I knew I had this job interview so I tried to be positive and keep an open mind, knowing that I was exploring other options and was not stuck. The interview went well and I was essentially offered the job if all went well in a meeting with the Assistant Director of Nursing the next week. The following week was a holiday, so my kids and I were going to the Mall of America for the day and the Administrator asked me to call during the day and schedule an appointment with the ADON. Instead, I came in on my way home from the MOA, with my 4 bedraggled, sweaty children and had an interview with the ADON and met again with the Administrator. I walked out with the job.
And I learned that I would be another Assistant Director of Nursing, sharing duties (to be determined later) with the other ADON. That began my whirlwind of excitement, exhaustion and losing all my wits. But the more I dig in, the more I like what I am doing and the more I feel like this is what I am supposed to be doing. I'm far from relaxed but I can see where I am headed.
The stress is taking its toll however. I feel like I am running and never catch up. However, the beauty in that is that I am realizing my children are far more capable then I have given them credit and it is not wrong of me to expect them to pick up some of the slack. However, it is wrong of me to expect them to do things to the same skill that I would or with the same efficiency and dedication. We are all growing in that area.
The use of the computer is helping all of us in that area. I can type out my To Do lists and even write out what I want them to do exactly. They can have time to use the computer if they do what they have been asked to do. And there are things that we have to keep up with every day or it piles up and gets overwhelming. This pertains mostly to the kitchen because our kitchen is small and the dishwasher does not work.
BB is reacting to these changes in a way that is frustrating. He has been so angry and irritable. I sat down with him and described what I was seeing as him putting out spikes like a cactus or a porcupine. And when someone is acting prickly it is because there is something they want to protect from being hurt. We talked about the changes in our family over the last few months and how it is understandable that he would want to protect himself from being hurt by sticking out his prickly parts. But his prickly-ness is hurting his family and we are getting tired of being yelled at, answered with sarcastic, rude comments. The only thing that he actually said that was bothering him was that I now have homework from my own school and he feels like that is taking time away from him.
As I think about it, that does make sense. He wants my attention and he is doing all sorts of things to send me a message that he is unhappy. He is also doing things to interfere or disrupt with our family life. He does not like my going to school. I agreed that going to school is hard and has changed things a bit but it is getting easier. I also told him that I was going to take the summer semester off because we all need a break and need to have some time to spend together.
After that, he started to smile again and he started to relax. I think I hit the nail on the head. I did also tell him that things will not always feel this crazy. It's just a lot of things happening in a very short amount of time. It will get better.
I started my new job two weeks ago. I think it is going well. I am on complete information overload. I am trying to learn as much as I can about Long term care and my new responsibilities. For those who may read this and do not read any other stuff or talk to me in other capacities, let me fill you in.
In November, I learned that my nice job at the county was going to end due to budget cuts. My last day was January 8, 2010. There are frustrating things that one encounters when working for a large state operated system and union rules. Bureaucratic red-tape is the best description. Communication with me, the lowly staff person, does not seem to terribly high on the priority list. I found out on December 24 via an email that I did not actually read until the next week when I came back to work after the Christmas holiday that I had a temporary reassignment onto a unit that was going to be shut down and transferred to another facility, in another town. And because of that, I would also be included in their lay-off group and would be getting an official lay-off notice with my options. My options included a)take the lay-off b) "Bump" a less senior RN out of their position of which I could choose from one of the following 4 options...1 was a rotating day and evening position, 3 were straight nights. or c) take an open position but less than full time.
The way I had always understood things was that if you had a significant amount of seniority, the options should not be so lousy. I had 30 people under me in seniority and this was my option. Something about this really bugged me but I couldn't put my finger on it until the week I started back at the Treatment center in orientation and talked with some of the staff who were working on the unit that was being shut down. A very brand-new RN had bid off to another unit and for some reason, was considered "safe" from the lay-off or from being "bumped". Why would this RN who had worked for a few months be assured of a job when I, who had worked for the state for over 6 years, 3 1/2 of which were as an RN get stuck working nights? It didn't make sense and I was getting mad.
An opportunity sort fell into my lap. There is no other way to describe it. My friend from college works at a nursing home in Minneapolis. She is one of the directors and told me that they were looking for a couple of nurse managers and would I consider it? Initially, I said I would wait a while and see how things played out with the state but then when I started learning about all this other junk going on, and she posted a little plug on Facebook about the job (not just to me but to others who might know good nurses) I wrote to her and said, "Consider me interested." As she and I wrote back and forth, the administrator chimes in on the discussion and says, "Tulip, you call me tomorrow."
In actuality, my first week of training at the treatment center, I knew I had this job interview so I tried to be positive and keep an open mind, knowing that I was exploring other options and was not stuck. The interview went well and I was essentially offered the job if all went well in a meeting with the Assistant Director of Nursing the next week. The following week was a holiday, so my kids and I were going to the Mall of America for the day and the Administrator asked me to call during the day and schedule an appointment with the ADON. Instead, I came in on my way home from the MOA, with my 4 bedraggled, sweaty children and had an interview with the ADON and met again with the Administrator. I walked out with the job.
And I learned that I would be another Assistant Director of Nursing, sharing duties (to be determined later) with the other ADON. That began my whirlwind of excitement, exhaustion and losing all my wits. But the more I dig in, the more I like what I am doing and the more I feel like this is what I am supposed to be doing. I'm far from relaxed but I can see where I am headed.
The stress is taking its toll however. I feel like I am running and never catch up. However, the beauty in that is that I am realizing my children are far more capable then I have given them credit and it is not wrong of me to expect them to pick up some of the slack. However, it is wrong of me to expect them to do things to the same skill that I would or with the same efficiency and dedication. We are all growing in that area.
The use of the computer is helping all of us in that area. I can type out my To Do lists and even write out what I want them to do exactly. They can have time to use the computer if they do what they have been asked to do. And there are things that we have to keep up with every day or it piles up and gets overwhelming. This pertains mostly to the kitchen because our kitchen is small and the dishwasher does not work.
BB is reacting to these changes in a way that is frustrating. He has been so angry and irritable. I sat down with him and described what I was seeing as him putting out spikes like a cactus or a porcupine. And when someone is acting prickly it is because there is something they want to protect from being hurt. We talked about the changes in our family over the last few months and how it is understandable that he would want to protect himself from being hurt by sticking out his prickly parts. But his prickly-ness is hurting his family and we are getting tired of being yelled at, answered with sarcastic, rude comments. The only thing that he actually said that was bothering him was that I now have homework from my own school and he feels like that is taking time away from him.
As I think about it, that does make sense. He wants my attention and he is doing all sorts of things to send me a message that he is unhappy. He is also doing things to interfere or disrupt with our family life. He does not like my going to school. I agreed that going to school is hard and has changed things a bit but it is getting easier. I also told him that I was going to take the summer semester off because we all need a break and need to have some time to spend together.
After that, he started to smile again and he started to relax. I think I hit the nail on the head. I did also tell him that things will not always feel this crazy. It's just a lot of things happening in a very short amount of time. It will get better.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Embracing change
So many things are changing right now. It does seem to make my head spin and I wonder how it is that I am not huddled in a corner, knees to chest, rocking and sucking my thumb.
Because I am a grown-up, that's why. And, because I have realized that the only thing I can truly count on staying the same is that everything is going to change eventually. I may not like it. It may hurt or feel uncomfortable and it usually means I am will be tossed out of my comfortable bubble. Tough. That's life.
I am reading a chapter in my course book for my Master's degree and this week's topic is on change. One of the statements that hit me, like a stake to my heart, is that "the tension between stability and chaos creates change" (Grossman & Valiga, 2009, p. 116) and "a system maintains itself only if change is occurring in it all the time." (Grossman & Valiga, 2009, p 117). I realized as I read this that it is this very process of chaotic craziness that is changing me and helping me grow! So embrace it, baby!
I thought it would be "fun" to write out the changes that are occurring in my life at the moment. If nothing else it will show me that I am living my life out on that edge of chaos and there is a purpose for it. I may not know all of the purpose for it but for me, I am a simple enough person to be content to know that sooner or later, I will know the reason.
1. Grieving the death of my Dad. This is still huge. A friend of mine mentioned that grieving takes 1000 days. I like that because it takes the pressure off of me when I think ,"Come on, get over it. Let it go." Yet at the same time, the process of letting it go takes time and cannot be rushed.
2. One job ending. It was not something I wanted to happen. I was content. But at the same time, if I am truly honest with myself, I knew that it was never going to be "the last stop" in my career. At some point, I was going to grow beyond that job. What I had to let go of was the loss of it being on my terms and by my choice.
3. A new job beginning. This is exciting. New challenges, new responsibilities. But stress, anxiety and fear. I'm just laying it out there.
4. Going back to school again. Granted, I do all my schooling from home, filling it in around the rest of my life. There is no other way I could do it! But it does add stress and a burden. At the same time, I feel like my mind is just a sponge. I had been sitting on the fence for so long about whether I should start or not and could I hack it. Now I am reading books like the one I mentioned above and seeing how my learning process is spilling over into every area of my life. I am ready for this.
5. A teenage daughter. So far, so good. I'm seeing more emotional lability and some challenges to my authority. But she is a good girl and I think we have a good relationship. So we talk about the changes going on with her. I'm working through some grief knowing that my time with her at home is getting shorter and she is going to start pulling away. It has begun already with long weekend trips with the youth group and summer camp. So, I say to myself alot, "Give her roots and wings."
6. Another adolescent on the verge. An 11 year old boy who makes me laugh, cry and scratch my head or want to ram my head into a wall in frustration. And that is just in 30 minutes. Yet, I have seen so much growth in him over the last year. His brain is developing and the logical aspects are kicking in. He is very black and white. Some of that is being ADHD. He also has to see how this applies to him and if it does not, good luck getting him on board.
7. More battles with the school regarding absences and a report to the county of educational neglect. Ugh. I know in my heart that I am not "Educationally neglecting" my children but the thought that someone out there thinks I am, because my kids got the very illness that is causing a "pandemic" across the world, just bugs me.
8. Another move. It's been almost 2 years. I'm frustrated with this townhouse. I have a place to go. It's hard to wait. But the thought of packing and unpacking again. Sigh.
9. Basketball practice once a week and games on Saturdays. And a boy who wants to play but is struggling with a coach who is a little harder and does not go by BB's rules. As soon as the clock hits 7pm, BB believes practice is over and he starts to shut down. I watch him at practice and in games and while he seems to have a good time playing, this is not something that stirs passion in him. It's painful to watch.
10. A comment from my 8 year old, while we were at the Mall of America, "We need another person in our family. A father." That is something that has been with us for 7 years and is a wound that I can't heal completely from myself. How do I explain to him that I know he wants and needs a father and at the same time, I am going to be very, very picky about who gets to be that for him? At the same time, there is a very real possibility that a father at this point in his life, is not part of God's plan. Instead, I pull him close, kiss him on the head and whisper, "I know, baby, I know."
I think that is it. It's enough, isn't it? Is it any wonder that I feel tired and a little overwhelmed? When I look at that list and then I walk through my house, I find myself lightening up a bit on my aggravation with how things are not clean for long. In many ways, we are still working on a "survival mode" while also developing some skills. It's a season. We are dancing on the edge of chaos but it is that edge that sharpens us, pulls us together as a family and builds our character.
Grossman, S. & Valiga, T. (2009). The new leadership challenge: Creating the future of nursing. Philadelphia: F. A. Davis Company.
Because I am a grown-up, that's why. And, because I have realized that the only thing I can truly count on staying the same is that everything is going to change eventually. I may not like it. It may hurt or feel uncomfortable and it usually means I am will be tossed out of my comfortable bubble. Tough. That's life.
I am reading a chapter in my course book for my Master's degree and this week's topic is on change. One of the statements that hit me, like a stake to my heart, is that "the tension between stability and chaos creates change" (Grossman & Valiga, 2009, p. 116) and "a system maintains itself only if change is occurring in it all the time." (Grossman & Valiga, 2009, p 117). I realized as I read this that it is this very process of chaotic craziness that is changing me and helping me grow! So embrace it, baby!
I thought it would be "fun" to write out the changes that are occurring in my life at the moment. If nothing else it will show me that I am living my life out on that edge of chaos and there is a purpose for it. I may not know all of the purpose for it but for me, I am a simple enough person to be content to know that sooner or later, I will know the reason.
1. Grieving the death of my Dad. This is still huge. A friend of mine mentioned that grieving takes 1000 days. I like that because it takes the pressure off of me when I think ,"Come on, get over it. Let it go." Yet at the same time, the process of letting it go takes time and cannot be rushed.
2. One job ending. It was not something I wanted to happen. I was content. But at the same time, if I am truly honest with myself, I knew that it was never going to be "the last stop" in my career. At some point, I was going to grow beyond that job. What I had to let go of was the loss of it being on my terms and by my choice.
3. A new job beginning. This is exciting. New challenges, new responsibilities. But stress, anxiety and fear. I'm just laying it out there.
4. Going back to school again. Granted, I do all my schooling from home, filling it in around the rest of my life. There is no other way I could do it! But it does add stress and a burden. At the same time, I feel like my mind is just a sponge. I had been sitting on the fence for so long about whether I should start or not and could I hack it. Now I am reading books like the one I mentioned above and seeing how my learning process is spilling over into every area of my life. I am ready for this.
5. A teenage daughter. So far, so good. I'm seeing more emotional lability and some challenges to my authority. But she is a good girl and I think we have a good relationship. So we talk about the changes going on with her. I'm working through some grief knowing that my time with her at home is getting shorter and she is going to start pulling away. It has begun already with long weekend trips with the youth group and summer camp. So, I say to myself alot, "Give her roots and wings."
6. Another adolescent on the verge. An 11 year old boy who makes me laugh, cry and scratch my head or want to ram my head into a wall in frustration. And that is just in 30 minutes. Yet, I have seen so much growth in him over the last year. His brain is developing and the logical aspects are kicking in. He is very black and white. Some of that is being ADHD. He also has to see how this applies to him and if it does not, good luck getting him on board.
7. More battles with the school regarding absences and a report to the county of educational neglect. Ugh. I know in my heart that I am not "Educationally neglecting" my children but the thought that someone out there thinks I am, because my kids got the very illness that is causing a "pandemic" across the world, just bugs me.
8. Another move. It's been almost 2 years. I'm frustrated with this townhouse. I have a place to go. It's hard to wait. But the thought of packing and unpacking again. Sigh.
9. Basketball practice once a week and games on Saturdays. And a boy who wants to play but is struggling with a coach who is a little harder and does not go by BB's rules. As soon as the clock hits 7pm, BB believes practice is over and he starts to shut down. I watch him at practice and in games and while he seems to have a good time playing, this is not something that stirs passion in him. It's painful to watch.
10. A comment from my 8 year old, while we were at the Mall of America, "We need another person in our family. A father." That is something that has been with us for 7 years and is a wound that I can't heal completely from myself. How do I explain to him that I know he wants and needs a father and at the same time, I am going to be very, very picky about who gets to be that for him? At the same time, there is a very real possibility that a father at this point in his life, is not part of God's plan. Instead, I pull him close, kiss him on the head and whisper, "I know, baby, I know."
I think that is it. It's enough, isn't it? Is it any wonder that I feel tired and a little overwhelmed? When I look at that list and then I walk through my house, I find myself lightening up a bit on my aggravation with how things are not clean for long. In many ways, we are still working on a "survival mode" while also developing some skills. It's a season. We are dancing on the edge of chaos but it is that edge that sharpens us, pulls us together as a family and builds our character.
Grossman, S. & Valiga, T. (2009). The new leadership challenge: Creating the future of nursing. Philadelphia: F. A. Davis Company.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Aha!
I don't know if this has ever happened to you. Maybe it is only me and it means I am weird. I am actually OK with that. I read a magazine article and by the end of it, I was in tears because the author could have been describing my life or she said something that resonated so personally that it seemed as if that was put in there just for me.
I get this experience a lot at church, quite frankly. How could the pastor know I am going through that? How did the worship team know that I needed to hear that particular song? They did not know it on a person level of course. It is what I believe is the Divine moving inside me. Only the Lord knows exactly what I am going through and what I need to hear, see, read or touch. He orchestrates those moments. If I am receptive, I catch them.
As a single parent, I do not get a lot of time to myself. Sometimes my only safe haven is in the bathroom. And even that can be interrupted at any given moment. However, as my children get older they are less likely to barge in and are learning to respect the closed door. (This does not extend to a door that has not been closed solidly. If there is a crack or a broken seal, then it must mean it is OK to come in. It could not possibly mean that Mom was in a hurry...or that there are two doors and one was missed?) So, I will confess, I spend perhaps a little extra time in my little porcelain retreat than the job requires.
Yesterday, I read an article or an essay about a Mom who was struggling with connecting to her teenage son. She described the turmoil of adolescence for both of them in such a way that I was moved to tears and I was left with a new found insight into how I could approach the two children I have that are entering this stage.
She said that for some children, moving into adolescence, the transition seems relatively painless. They find their niche and go with it. For others, it is more painful. She described how it is like a caterpillar who has created it's chrysalis. A mother cannot climb in there with her child. It is an event that her child must go through alone. Her son created an environment that said, "Stay out" with his angry music, long black sweatshirts and questionable bedroom decor. But when she began to see it as his cocoon, she found she could slowly find ways to move back in to his life and reach back in to his world. The caterpillar in this cocoon stage is going through profound changes, as is a teenager. Everything about them is changing; hair, body, voice, brain and so forth. It is a scary time.
Like I said before, I got to the end of the article and the tears were pouring down my face like sheets of spring rain. Aha! I have been thinking about how much I am afraid of these impending teen years because of the changes I see. I see that time with my children is slipping away. It is moving to fast. I am grieving it. I missed the perspective of my children and what it is like for them.
Smacking myself in the head. I used to be a teenager. I remember feeling isolated a lot. I remember feeling like my parents "just don't get it". I remember thinking torn between what life used to be like when I was a kid and then also all the exciting things that were happening with new freedoms. Sometimes, I just wanted to be a kid. Mostly what I wanted was to be heard.
My son, the one who just turned 11, told me on Sunday that I do not know him at all, that I do not understand him. I wanted to shout back at him, "Of course I do! I have known you since before your born. I held you closer than any other person the planet!" Things are changing inside him and he is right, in a sense, I do not know him. I know glimpses of him and what he shows me and tells me. It is now my job to connect back to him and ask him to share himself with me, to let him tell me who he thinks he is and to help him figure it out or to just be here and support him while he enters his cocoon, goes through these changes and we see what comes out at the end.
I still want to cry. I want him to stay a little boy forever. I still think about the baby who would reach out to me, smiling when I picked him up at the end of the day. It's hard to let go of that.
I get this experience a lot at church, quite frankly. How could the pastor know I am going through that? How did the worship team know that I needed to hear that particular song? They did not know it on a person level of course. It is what I believe is the Divine moving inside me. Only the Lord knows exactly what I am going through and what I need to hear, see, read or touch. He orchestrates those moments. If I am receptive, I catch them.
As a single parent, I do not get a lot of time to myself. Sometimes my only safe haven is in the bathroom. And even that can be interrupted at any given moment. However, as my children get older they are less likely to barge in and are learning to respect the closed door. (This does not extend to a door that has not been closed solidly. If there is a crack or a broken seal, then it must mean it is OK to come in. It could not possibly mean that Mom was in a hurry...or that there are two doors and one was missed?) So, I will confess, I spend perhaps a little extra time in my little porcelain retreat than the job requires.
Yesterday, I read an article or an essay about a Mom who was struggling with connecting to her teenage son. She described the turmoil of adolescence for both of them in such a way that I was moved to tears and I was left with a new found insight into how I could approach the two children I have that are entering this stage.
She said that for some children, moving into adolescence, the transition seems relatively painless. They find their niche and go with it. For others, it is more painful. She described how it is like a caterpillar who has created it's chrysalis. A mother cannot climb in there with her child. It is an event that her child must go through alone. Her son created an environment that said, "Stay out" with his angry music, long black sweatshirts and questionable bedroom decor. But when she began to see it as his cocoon, she found she could slowly find ways to move back in to his life and reach back in to his world. The caterpillar in this cocoon stage is going through profound changes, as is a teenager. Everything about them is changing; hair, body, voice, brain and so forth. It is a scary time.
Like I said before, I got to the end of the article and the tears were pouring down my face like sheets of spring rain. Aha! I have been thinking about how much I am afraid of these impending teen years because of the changes I see. I see that time with my children is slipping away. It is moving to fast. I am grieving it. I missed the perspective of my children and what it is like for them.
Smacking myself in the head. I used to be a teenager. I remember feeling isolated a lot. I remember feeling like my parents "just don't get it". I remember thinking torn between what life used to be like when I was a kid and then also all the exciting things that were happening with new freedoms. Sometimes, I just wanted to be a kid. Mostly what I wanted was to be heard.
My son, the one who just turned 11, told me on Sunday that I do not know him at all, that I do not understand him. I wanted to shout back at him, "Of course I do! I have known you since before your born. I held you closer than any other person the planet!" Things are changing inside him and he is right, in a sense, I do not know him. I know glimpses of him and what he shows me and tells me. It is now my job to connect back to him and ask him to share himself with me, to let him tell me who he thinks he is and to help him figure it out or to just be here and support him while he enters his cocoon, goes through these changes and we see what comes out at the end.
I still want to cry. I want him to stay a little boy forever. I still think about the baby who would reach out to me, smiling when I picked him up at the end of the day. It's hard to let go of that.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Birthday season is upon us
Today, my oldest son turns 11 years old. This is so unreal to me. He is so cute and has planned his whole day. We will be busy for sure. Right after school, BB and Peanut have doctor appointments (ones which had to be rescheduled from December and November due to our family's personal battle with H1N1), followed by BB's first basketball practice since he got sick in November and finally, a birthday dinner at the restaurant of his choice: Wise Guys pizza. None of us have ever been there so it's going to be interesting.
I have been working with him over the past year to gain more independence with personal hygiene. Each of my kids, with the exception of Peanut, can now turn on their own showers and complete that task with minimal intervention from mom, other than the occasional, "I need a towel." He floored me this week when he has begun to comb his hair daily, even trying various arrangements using hairspray and water and even deciding he wants to grow a mullet. Does this mean the same thing to him as it does to me? I'm not sure. I'm picturing the full Billy Ray Cyrus "business in the front-party in the back" hair and I want to scream. However, I am realizing that the time has come for me to let go of that too. And I should be grateful he is taking such an interest.
Earlier this year, BB and I had so many bathing battles. The last straw, and it could be the event that *finally* drove the point home to him that he was being utterly ridiculous, was when he was refusing to get in the shower and it has been days, possibly weeks since his last shower and he smelled bad! I jokingly, but with a serious mission in mind, chased him up the stairs and into the bathroom (My days of throwing him up over my shoulder passed with the last birthday.). He then continued to refuse to get in. I turned the water on, stripped him with my own eyes closed and then told him he needed to wash or I would do it for him. He did not believe me and just stood as far away from the water as possible. So, I pulled the curtain back and stepped in with one foot. He immediately got himself under the water and shouted, "Fine, I can do it myself." Since that day, it still takes a lot of cajoling to get him up to the shower but he will inform me, "I can do it all by myself and I DO NOT need any help from you." Excellent.
THis week, with the hairstyling and the combing every day, he tells me that "I have decided that I should take a shower every other day. That means I should take my next shower on Tuesday."
This my friends, is ownership.
I'm holding my breath as it is Tuesday and the day is young. He does have basketball practice, so I do have that little leverage. My plan is to merely remind him that he said he would do this and then, oh this is so hard for me, let it go.
To me, this is one of the hardest parts of parenting. The ultimate objective, after teaching them about the love of Jesus and I have done my job in teaching them about being Christians, is to set them out into the world as capable, confident, hopefully well-groomed and hygienic adults. However, it is also a bittersweet task because as they meet each objective in achieving their independence, it reminds me that the years are passing quickly and my time with them in this little family bubble is also passing quickly. Before I know it, they will be off on their own. I wonder if this is why I tease them each birthday and tell them how I would like them to stay this age "just a while longer". I've enjoyed them at this age and the next year brings us another step closer to their independence.
I think if I do a good job with parenting, they will leave my home but will always know that I am close to them. Our relationship will change. Just like BB declared he would no longer call me "Mommy" but simply "Mom", it is how it must be.
A month ago, Peanut turned 7. In a few weeks, Princess will turn 13 and will conclude our season of birthdays, until May when PH and I celebrate ours.
I have been working with him over the past year to gain more independence with personal hygiene. Each of my kids, with the exception of Peanut, can now turn on their own showers and complete that task with minimal intervention from mom, other than the occasional, "I need a towel." He floored me this week when he has begun to comb his hair daily, even trying various arrangements using hairspray and water and even deciding he wants to grow a mullet. Does this mean the same thing to him as it does to me? I'm not sure. I'm picturing the full Billy Ray Cyrus "business in the front-party in the back" hair and I want to scream. However, I am realizing that the time has come for me to let go of that too. And I should be grateful he is taking such an interest.
Earlier this year, BB and I had so many bathing battles. The last straw, and it could be the event that *finally* drove the point home to him that he was being utterly ridiculous, was when he was refusing to get in the shower and it has been days, possibly weeks since his last shower and he smelled bad! I jokingly, but with a serious mission in mind, chased him up the stairs and into the bathroom (My days of throwing him up over my shoulder passed with the last birthday.). He then continued to refuse to get in. I turned the water on, stripped him with my own eyes closed and then told him he needed to wash or I would do it for him. He did not believe me and just stood as far away from the water as possible. So, I pulled the curtain back and stepped in with one foot. He immediately got himself under the water and shouted, "Fine, I can do it myself." Since that day, it still takes a lot of cajoling to get him up to the shower but he will inform me, "I can do it all by myself and I DO NOT need any help from you." Excellent.
THis week, with the hairstyling and the combing every day, he tells me that "I have decided that I should take a shower every other day. That means I should take my next shower on Tuesday."
This my friends, is ownership.
I'm holding my breath as it is Tuesday and the day is young. He does have basketball practice, so I do have that little leverage. My plan is to merely remind him that he said he would do this and then, oh this is so hard for me, let it go.
To me, this is one of the hardest parts of parenting. The ultimate objective, after teaching them about the love of Jesus and I have done my job in teaching them about being Christians, is to set them out into the world as capable, confident, hopefully well-groomed and hygienic adults. However, it is also a bittersweet task because as they meet each objective in achieving their independence, it reminds me that the years are passing quickly and my time with them in this little family bubble is also passing quickly. Before I know it, they will be off on their own. I wonder if this is why I tease them each birthday and tell them how I would like them to stay this age "just a while longer". I've enjoyed them at this age and the next year brings us another step closer to their independence.
I think if I do a good job with parenting, they will leave my home but will always know that I am close to them. Our relationship will change. Just like BB declared he would no longer call me "Mommy" but simply "Mom", it is how it must be.
A month ago, Peanut turned 7. In a few weeks, Princess will turn 13 and will conclude our season of birthdays, until May when PH and I celebrate ours.
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