I'm depressed. That is my big revelation.
I was laying in bed this morning, knowing full well that as a fully matured, gainfully employed adult, I needed to get up and get going, I just kept pulling the covers over my head and hitting the snooze. Even with the kitten, Clifford the Girl, who is now Princess Nuisance, crawling all over me, demanding to be snuggled or she would attack my toes, bite my hair, push her head under my hand and into my face in a variety of attacks, or rapid succession, I still could not get myself up.
I went to bed at a decent hour. I set my alarm for 6am. Not terribly early for me anymore. I was within my usual optimum of 7 hours. So why can't I crawl out of bed and get moving?
Depression.
Yuck. Labeling it however, does ease my mind. I have been down this path before. I even know in my head that it is a normal reaction, all things considered. I am grieving my father. I am working in a new job that often leaves me feeling "over my head". I have 4 children, two of whom are struggling with school. All of them are struggling in their own way with their own sadness and loss. Peanut told Grandma that he can talk to Grandpa but Grandpa can only see him when he is outside. But God can see him when he is inside. It is cute. And it is a clue that he is struggling to make sense of why his beloved Grandpa is no longer here. I'm also taking graduate level classes. I feel over-run with clutter and daily housekeeping. Even the small tasks seem like an overwhelming burden.
This is not typical for me. But in light of a depression. It makes sense. The first step for me is to understand that this is what is going on. Doing so, I am able to give myself more grace. I don't let myself off the hook for things that need to get done. But I can recognize that the road out of depression is slow at times. The feeling of being overwhelmed and unable to do anything, is part of it.
With my past history of depression, post-partum depression with my first child, I have learned a thing or two. Take my medication daily. Don't give in to the "cover my head and tune out the world". Do something. Anything. Steady plodding. And face the feelings.
Depression is commonly misunderstood as being sadness. That is part of it. But the true root of depression is actually anger. I tell this to myself more than anything because I know that for me, part of my ability to recover and heal is to get to the root. I tend to stuff my difficult emotions. I don't have time to deal with them. It hurts too much to pay attention to them. It causes others distress if I show them. All of this boils into a pot of feeling misunderstood, uncared for by those closest to me, feeling taken for granted, with a dash (or a heap) of sadness, some "righteous" indignation and some whining ("It's not fair."). Quite a stew.
I think part of my identification that this is indeed depression is also an indicator that I am finally ready to face some of those difficult emotions swirling around in my head. The grief I have a handle on. The anger, not so much. The anger scares me. It always has. That's why I stuff it.
With that thought, I need to take a shower and get going to work, so I can stay gainfully employed.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
The week past
It was a tough one in many respects. Last week marked the 6 month anniversary of my father's death. At first, I did not think it was affecting me very much. However, my reaction was delayed and I found myself on an emotional roller coaster this week. I was driving in to work and saw a red Ford pick-up. All of a sudden, the tears just started falling and the words I had been holding back came out.
I miss him so much. I was not ready to let him go. I was not ready to say good-bye. I hurt. I feel empty inside. I hate the pain. I hate seeing my Mom hurting and my sisters and my kids. I miss calling him. I miss seeing him standing on the deck at the house. I miss seeing him in the garage waving at me as I drive up or drive away. I miss seeing him in his favorite chair. Every where I turn, I am reminded of him and then reminded that he is not here.
By the time I got to work, my eyes were red and puffy. I had to talk myself through it and get myself under control. My soon-to-be boss started talking to me and then she stopped and said, "You look like you have been crying." And I told her I was having a tough day with thoughts of my Dad. I told her to continue with what she was telling me and she said, "I feel like I want to fix it for you." I told her that I was trying to get a handle on myself so distraction would be a good plan.
Two more residents are moving towards dying. The other ADON's mother is going back to her home to die. I have to face it. I have to let myself feel my feelings and allow myself to cry if that is what I need to do. It is OK.
I miss him so much. I was not ready to let him go. I was not ready to say good-bye. I hurt. I feel empty inside. I hate the pain. I hate seeing my Mom hurting and my sisters and my kids. I miss calling him. I miss seeing him standing on the deck at the house. I miss seeing him in the garage waving at me as I drive up or drive away. I miss seeing him in his favorite chair. Every where I turn, I am reminded of him and then reminded that he is not here.
By the time I got to work, my eyes were red and puffy. I had to talk myself through it and get myself under control. My soon-to-be boss started talking to me and then she stopped and said, "You look like you have been crying." And I told her I was having a tough day with thoughts of my Dad. I told her to continue with what she was telling me and she said, "I feel like I want to fix it for you." I told her that I was trying to get a handle on myself so distraction would be a good plan.
Two more residents are moving towards dying. The other ADON's mother is going back to her home to die. I have to face it. I have to let myself feel my feelings and allow myself to cry if that is what I need to do. It is OK.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Life as a new ADON
For those who don't know, ADON stands for Assistant Director of Nursing. That's my new title. It's a big one. And the job is big too. I learn every day just how big it is. The best way to describe how I feel is "I now know what I don't know." Every day I encounter something new. However, I like it. I do worry that I am not cutting it. Working in long term care requires being able to think and work fast. Before I took this job, I thought I was a quick learner. Right now, I feel like I am crawling along like a snail while everyone else is flying past like a cheetah. It is my perception, I am sure. And a great deal of insecurity.
After one particularly difficult day in which I had been asked to do several things I did not know how to do, and I did not do them well, I commented to the woman who is taking the place of the retiring Director of Nursing, "It hurts to grow. And I am being stretched in every direction."
I think about that a lot. I think it is probably the most accurate assessment I could make about myself and my current position. I took a job that was bigger than I had ever taken on before but even though it is big and has a lot of responsibility, I can grow into the role. I battle myself with perfectionism and wanting to do everything perfectly, the first time and when I make mistakes, I feel like I can't do it at all. It does help to remember that I am growing. I am stretching and it can be painful and it doesn't happen all at once.
I am far too hard on myself.
On a lighter note, I need to find a stapler, a bunch of rubber bands, a stash of paper clips and a highlighter. There is a stash of office supplies somewhere in the building. I have yet to find it. I have already discovered that if I give out a pen, I will not get it back. So, when I came upon a deal at Target for 144 black stick pens for $5, I bought them and I keep them in my desk. These are the ones I hand out to nursing assistants who ask for one. The ones I like to use, I keep in a different spot.
It's like a crazy game of Hide-n-Seek for grown-ups.
After one particularly difficult day in which I had been asked to do several things I did not know how to do, and I did not do them well, I commented to the woman who is taking the place of the retiring Director of Nursing, "It hurts to grow. And I am being stretched in every direction."
I think about that a lot. I think it is probably the most accurate assessment I could make about myself and my current position. I took a job that was bigger than I had ever taken on before but even though it is big and has a lot of responsibility, I can grow into the role. I battle myself with perfectionism and wanting to do everything perfectly, the first time and when I make mistakes, I feel like I can't do it at all. It does help to remember that I am growing. I am stretching and it can be painful and it doesn't happen all at once.
I am far too hard on myself.
On a lighter note, I need to find a stapler, a bunch of rubber bands, a stash of paper clips and a highlighter. There is a stash of office supplies somewhere in the building. I have yet to find it. I have already discovered that if I give out a pen, I will not get it back. So, when I came upon a deal at Target for 144 black stick pens for $5, I bought them and I keep them in my desk. These are the ones I hand out to nursing assistants who ask for one. The ones I like to use, I keep in a different spot.
It's like a crazy game of Hide-n-Seek for grown-ups.
Friday, March 12, 2010
How we're doing...
How do I answer this question?
It depends on the day. It depends on my mood. It depends on who is asking.
This week marks 6 months since my Dad died. I have felt quite sad. I haven't cried, even though I feel like I should. I just can't seem to make the tears come. I think about him a lot. I miss him every day. Probably a day does not go by when I don't wish I could just call him on the phone and tell him something little or silly or just talk something through.
My kids are doing OK. And by OK, I mean OK. They have good days and bad days. Two of my boys are struggling in school and I think grief has a lot to do with it. BB is pulling D's and F's but his test scores are far above the district and school level. He is so smart but he just has not been turning in homework. But the jig is up and he has a teacher at school checking every day. He has me checking every day. The computer has become one of my greatest assets because he likes to spend time on it but he cannot when he has not done his homework. And if he forgets it at school, no computer either. I also talked to the school he is going to next year to see what kinds of things we can put in place for him so that this does not happen again.
Peanut is not reading real well or doing well in math. At his conference, I was told that he may need to be held back and repeat first grade. In some ways, this could be the best thing for him because he is a little immature and it might be just what he needs to get a handle on reading and math. We have 3 months to try to get his skill level up. I also called the school he will be going to next year to see if there is summer school available for him when we move. And there is. So, things are in motion for him.
On the other hand, my other two are doing well in school. Princess was on the A honor roll last semester. And now that she has done that once, she wants to do it again. But she is struggling with French. She continues to work hard. Pumpkin Head is doing great. His teacher thinks he is a sweetie and that he is really smart. He even bought himself a book with his allowance. I love that he is starting to read on his own. We will have to utilize the library a lot this summer and keep these kids in books!
My new job is going well. I feel a little nervous and overwhelmed because there is so much to learn and I have to learn it so fast. I love the residents. I am challenged every day. Sometimes I am frustrated, but more with myself because I am not up to speed. Last week was a hard week because 4 residents passed away over the course of the week. 3 of them were expected and one was a surprise. And we have entered our "window" for our Department of Health survey.
My new course for grad school is harder than my previous courses and is requiring more reading and processing than the others. My stress level is rising. I feel like I am falling behind in everything. However, I decided to combat my overwhelmed feelings by making a plan and a schedule for all the things I need to do including the laundry, the cleaning, the homework and so forth. This way I don't have to beat myself up for not getting everything done in one day.
One day at a time. One day at a time. One day at a time.
It depends on the day. It depends on my mood. It depends on who is asking.
This week marks 6 months since my Dad died. I have felt quite sad. I haven't cried, even though I feel like I should. I just can't seem to make the tears come. I think about him a lot. I miss him every day. Probably a day does not go by when I don't wish I could just call him on the phone and tell him something little or silly or just talk something through.
My kids are doing OK. And by OK, I mean OK. They have good days and bad days. Two of my boys are struggling in school and I think grief has a lot to do with it. BB is pulling D's and F's but his test scores are far above the district and school level. He is so smart but he just has not been turning in homework. But the jig is up and he has a teacher at school checking every day. He has me checking every day. The computer has become one of my greatest assets because he likes to spend time on it but he cannot when he has not done his homework. And if he forgets it at school, no computer either. I also talked to the school he is going to next year to see what kinds of things we can put in place for him so that this does not happen again.
Peanut is not reading real well or doing well in math. At his conference, I was told that he may need to be held back and repeat first grade. In some ways, this could be the best thing for him because he is a little immature and it might be just what he needs to get a handle on reading and math. We have 3 months to try to get his skill level up. I also called the school he will be going to next year to see if there is summer school available for him when we move. And there is. So, things are in motion for him.
On the other hand, my other two are doing well in school. Princess was on the A honor roll last semester. And now that she has done that once, she wants to do it again. But she is struggling with French. She continues to work hard. Pumpkin Head is doing great. His teacher thinks he is a sweetie and that he is really smart. He even bought himself a book with his allowance. I love that he is starting to read on his own. We will have to utilize the library a lot this summer and keep these kids in books!
My new job is going well. I feel a little nervous and overwhelmed because there is so much to learn and I have to learn it so fast. I love the residents. I am challenged every day. Sometimes I am frustrated, but more with myself because I am not up to speed. Last week was a hard week because 4 residents passed away over the course of the week. 3 of them were expected and one was a surprise. And we have entered our "window" for our Department of Health survey.
My new course for grad school is harder than my previous courses and is requiring more reading and processing than the others. My stress level is rising. I feel like I am falling behind in everything. However, I decided to combat my overwhelmed feelings by making a plan and a schedule for all the things I need to do including the laundry, the cleaning, the homework and so forth. This way I don't have to beat myself up for not getting everything done in one day.
One day at a time. One day at a time. One day at a time.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Thoughts on being lost...
This weekend I managed, in the span of 15 minutes, to lose two of my sons. When I look back, it could be viewed as being incredibly funny but I'm not quite ready to laugh yet. The situations occurred due to a lack of communication as well as a the seemingly natural inclination of boys to wander. When we go shopping at Target, I have allowed my children to pair off and go hang out in their two favorite areas of the store: Toys and Electronics. And they travel between the two. It has allowed me the freedom to get my other shopping done with some peace as well as efficiency that does not come with 4 children hanging about.
As I finished, I headed toward the Toy department and encountered the first pair and then we headed over to Electronics to gather the other two. In no time at all, I turned around and Peanut was gone. We searched the immediate area and there was no sign of him. I had the other 3 with me, and I planted them by a railing with STRONG instructions to stand by the cart IN THIS SPOT and I would go search for Peanut. I can move faster when not pushing a heavily laden shopping cart and 3 kids in tow. I searched the usual areas and still did not find him. So, I gathered the other 3 again and we set off to search the other half of the store. While we were talking, BB was chatting about how we should have a meeting spot to go to so that if we ever get separated again, we would know to go there and we would be found again. I told him this was a good idea but right now, we were searching for Peanut. All of a sudden it got quiet and I turned around and BB was gone.
This made me angry because I am confident that he took off, chasing some sort of wild hare. Even though we were just talking about this while searching for his little brother! He's been in a strange mood lately and I think that he may have thought on a subconscious level, that if he got lost too, he would get all of us looking for him and then the celebration when he was found would be sweet.
No time to dwell on that thought much because I figured Peanut was panicking somewhere or the worst thought a parent can have...someone snatched him. I hate that thought. I hate that we live in a world where those thoughts even have to cross a parent's mind. I grabbed a manager and told him I was looking for my 7 year old. He grabbed another employee. I turned around and saw Peanut running up the aisle near where we had been earlier. I sent Princess after him. He was crying. I was relieved.
And now I had another son to go find. But I was so embarrassed, I did not want to tell this manager that I had another child missing too. What kind of an idiot can't keep track of her children? And there are so many reasons that are none of the Target employees business as to why a second child would wander off. So, I paid for my purchases, parking my children in the main aisle telling them to watch for BB. Then I parked all of them in the little cafe with stern and I mean STERN instructions to stay put while I went to look for BB. I started walking the path we had been on before figuring he may have ducked down a side aisle to escape me.
I made it all the way over to Toys and an employee approached me and asked if I needed help finding anything. I said that I was looking for my son. She stayed on me even though I was trying to brush her off. I was so exhausted by this time as well as frustrated, angry and scared that finally I said, "I need help. I can't find him. And I'm so tired. I don't know what to do anymore."
She called a Code Yellow which got all of the available employees out looking for him. I was still embarrassed by all the attention. But when they found him and announced across the radio that he was at the service desk, I was relieved. But there was a growing anger inside me because I just felt it in my heart that BB did this on purpose. And how was I going to handle this?
The consequence, I decided, was that for out next trip to any store, no one would go anywhere without me. It's more of a punishment for myself than anything. It is also taking back a freedom that perhaps they cannot handle yet. I need to evaluate my communication with them on what my expectations are as well. I just can't do that in the heat of the moment nor on the brink of exhaustion.
The other issue that this story shows is just one other example of what my 11 year old is going through. He is in a full-blown depression. His behavior is erratic, irrational, irritating and prickly. I am having conversations with him about his prickly behaviors, trying to help him give a name to what he is feeling as well as describe what it looks like to the rest of us. This is the best description I have come up and it is working so far. I told him that he is acting like a porcupine that has raised up all it's needles. The reason a porcupine does this is for protection. It does not want bigger animals to come near and eat it or attack it softer parts. It's a defense mechanism. So, like the porcupine, BB is sticking out his prickly needles pushing people away with his behavior because he doesn't want to get hurt. But at the same time, he is pushing away the very people who love and care for him the most, and the ones who can help him.
I think this is a childhood manifestation of a clinical depression. I have talked with his pediatrician about it earlier this fall. Children, thankfully, do not get treated with medications for depression. Their brains are still developing. So, the best course is therapy. My issue now is that with my job change, my new health insurance is not completely set up yet. I have to talk to my boss about it on Monday and find out where that is at. The other problem is that the therapist we were using, while BB seemed to like him he was not connecting with him and wouldn't talk to him. And now his depressive symptoms are spilling over into school because I learned that he has been hiding his homework in his locker, he is disengaged in his classroom and it goes on and on.
I'm torn apart. I don't know what to do. I'm praying for him. I need to start praying with him and talking with him every day. On Monday, I will be calling the school psychologist and I am going to ask for a meeting with her, his teacher and other specialists that work with him to come up with some sort of a game plan to give him the support he needs to get through this. I don't think he can get through it on his own. He is crying out for help. I think he wants to know that people care, even though he is doing his very best to push people away. In a sense, he is lost.
As I finished, I headed toward the Toy department and encountered the first pair and then we headed over to Electronics to gather the other two. In no time at all, I turned around and Peanut was gone. We searched the immediate area and there was no sign of him. I had the other 3 with me, and I planted them by a railing with STRONG instructions to stand by the cart IN THIS SPOT and I would go search for Peanut. I can move faster when not pushing a heavily laden shopping cart and 3 kids in tow. I searched the usual areas and still did not find him. So, I gathered the other 3 again and we set off to search the other half of the store. While we were talking, BB was chatting about how we should have a meeting spot to go to so that if we ever get separated again, we would know to go there and we would be found again. I told him this was a good idea but right now, we were searching for Peanut. All of a sudden it got quiet and I turned around and BB was gone.
This made me angry because I am confident that he took off, chasing some sort of wild hare. Even though we were just talking about this while searching for his little brother! He's been in a strange mood lately and I think that he may have thought on a subconscious level, that if he got lost too, he would get all of us looking for him and then the celebration when he was found would be sweet.
No time to dwell on that thought much because I figured Peanut was panicking somewhere or the worst thought a parent can have...someone snatched him. I hate that thought. I hate that we live in a world where those thoughts even have to cross a parent's mind. I grabbed a manager and told him I was looking for my 7 year old. He grabbed another employee. I turned around and saw Peanut running up the aisle near where we had been earlier. I sent Princess after him. He was crying. I was relieved.
And now I had another son to go find. But I was so embarrassed, I did not want to tell this manager that I had another child missing too. What kind of an idiot can't keep track of her children? And there are so many reasons that are none of the Target employees business as to why a second child would wander off. So, I paid for my purchases, parking my children in the main aisle telling them to watch for BB. Then I parked all of them in the little cafe with stern and I mean STERN instructions to stay put while I went to look for BB. I started walking the path we had been on before figuring he may have ducked down a side aisle to escape me.
I made it all the way over to Toys and an employee approached me and asked if I needed help finding anything. I said that I was looking for my son. She stayed on me even though I was trying to brush her off. I was so exhausted by this time as well as frustrated, angry and scared that finally I said, "I need help. I can't find him. And I'm so tired. I don't know what to do anymore."
She called a Code Yellow which got all of the available employees out looking for him. I was still embarrassed by all the attention. But when they found him and announced across the radio that he was at the service desk, I was relieved. But there was a growing anger inside me because I just felt it in my heart that BB did this on purpose. And how was I going to handle this?
The consequence, I decided, was that for out next trip to any store, no one would go anywhere without me. It's more of a punishment for myself than anything. It is also taking back a freedom that perhaps they cannot handle yet. I need to evaluate my communication with them on what my expectations are as well. I just can't do that in the heat of the moment nor on the brink of exhaustion.
The other issue that this story shows is just one other example of what my 11 year old is going through. He is in a full-blown depression. His behavior is erratic, irrational, irritating and prickly. I am having conversations with him about his prickly behaviors, trying to help him give a name to what he is feeling as well as describe what it looks like to the rest of us. This is the best description I have come up and it is working so far. I told him that he is acting like a porcupine that has raised up all it's needles. The reason a porcupine does this is for protection. It does not want bigger animals to come near and eat it or attack it softer parts. It's a defense mechanism. So, like the porcupine, BB is sticking out his prickly needles pushing people away with his behavior because he doesn't want to get hurt. But at the same time, he is pushing away the very people who love and care for him the most, and the ones who can help him.
I think this is a childhood manifestation of a clinical depression. I have talked with his pediatrician about it earlier this fall. Children, thankfully, do not get treated with medications for depression. Their brains are still developing. So, the best course is therapy. My issue now is that with my job change, my new health insurance is not completely set up yet. I have to talk to my boss about it on Monday and find out where that is at. The other problem is that the therapist we were using, while BB seemed to like him he was not connecting with him and wouldn't talk to him. And now his depressive symptoms are spilling over into school because I learned that he has been hiding his homework in his locker, he is disengaged in his classroom and it goes on and on.
I'm torn apart. I don't know what to do. I'm praying for him. I need to start praying with him and talking with him every day. On Monday, I will be calling the school psychologist and I am going to ask for a meeting with her, his teacher and other specialists that work with him to come up with some sort of a game plan to give him the support he needs to get through this. I don't think he can get through it on his own. He is crying out for help. I think he wants to know that people care, even though he is doing his very best to push people away. In a sense, he is lost.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Not a Wit to be had
If I had any wits left, I'd be at the end of them. I'm just so doggone tired. My brain is full every day. I know that this is a temporary state of being and completely normal but it is hard to live like this for long.
I started my new job two weeks ago. I think it is going well. I am on complete information overload. I am trying to learn as much as I can about Long term care and my new responsibilities. For those who may read this and do not read any other stuff or talk to me in other capacities, let me fill you in.
In November, I learned that my nice job at the county was going to end due to budget cuts. My last day was January 8, 2010. There are frustrating things that one encounters when working for a large state operated system and union rules. Bureaucratic red-tape is the best description. Communication with me, the lowly staff person, does not seem to terribly high on the priority list. I found out on December 24 via an email that I did not actually read until the next week when I came back to work after the Christmas holiday that I had a temporary reassignment onto a unit that was going to be shut down and transferred to another facility, in another town. And because of that, I would also be included in their lay-off group and would be getting an official lay-off notice with my options. My options included a)take the lay-off b) "Bump" a less senior RN out of their position of which I could choose from one of the following 4 options...1 was a rotating day and evening position, 3 were straight nights. or c) take an open position but less than full time.
The way I had always understood things was that if you had a significant amount of seniority, the options should not be so lousy. I had 30 people under me in seniority and this was my option. Something about this really bugged me but I couldn't put my finger on it until the week I started back at the Treatment center in orientation and talked with some of the staff who were working on the unit that was being shut down. A very brand-new RN had bid off to another unit and for some reason, was considered "safe" from the lay-off or from being "bumped". Why would this RN who had worked for a few months be assured of a job when I, who had worked for the state for over 6 years, 3 1/2 of which were as an RN get stuck working nights? It didn't make sense and I was getting mad.
An opportunity sort fell into my lap. There is no other way to describe it. My friend from college works at a nursing home in Minneapolis. She is one of the directors and told me that they were looking for a couple of nurse managers and would I consider it? Initially, I said I would wait a while and see how things played out with the state but then when I started learning about all this other junk going on, and she posted a little plug on Facebook about the job (not just to me but to others who might know good nurses) I wrote to her and said, "Consider me interested." As she and I wrote back and forth, the administrator chimes in on the discussion and says, "Tulip, you call me tomorrow."
In actuality, my first week of training at the treatment center, I knew I had this job interview so I tried to be positive and keep an open mind, knowing that I was exploring other options and was not stuck. The interview went well and I was essentially offered the job if all went well in a meeting with the Assistant Director of Nursing the next week. The following week was a holiday, so my kids and I were going to the Mall of America for the day and the Administrator asked me to call during the day and schedule an appointment with the ADON. Instead, I came in on my way home from the MOA, with my 4 bedraggled, sweaty children and had an interview with the ADON and met again with the Administrator. I walked out with the job.
And I learned that I would be another Assistant Director of Nursing, sharing duties (to be determined later) with the other ADON. That began my whirlwind of excitement, exhaustion and losing all my wits. But the more I dig in, the more I like what I am doing and the more I feel like this is what I am supposed to be doing. I'm far from relaxed but I can see where I am headed.
The stress is taking its toll however. I feel like I am running and never catch up. However, the beauty in that is that I am realizing my children are far more capable then I have given them credit and it is not wrong of me to expect them to pick up some of the slack. However, it is wrong of me to expect them to do things to the same skill that I would or with the same efficiency and dedication. We are all growing in that area.
The use of the computer is helping all of us in that area. I can type out my To Do lists and even write out what I want them to do exactly. They can have time to use the computer if they do what they have been asked to do. And there are things that we have to keep up with every day or it piles up and gets overwhelming. This pertains mostly to the kitchen because our kitchen is small and the dishwasher does not work.
BB is reacting to these changes in a way that is frustrating. He has been so angry and irritable. I sat down with him and described what I was seeing as him putting out spikes like a cactus or a porcupine. And when someone is acting prickly it is because there is something they want to protect from being hurt. We talked about the changes in our family over the last few months and how it is understandable that he would want to protect himself from being hurt by sticking out his prickly parts. But his prickly-ness is hurting his family and we are getting tired of being yelled at, answered with sarcastic, rude comments. The only thing that he actually said that was bothering him was that I now have homework from my own school and he feels like that is taking time away from him.
As I think about it, that does make sense. He wants my attention and he is doing all sorts of things to send me a message that he is unhappy. He is also doing things to interfere or disrupt with our family life. He does not like my going to school. I agreed that going to school is hard and has changed things a bit but it is getting easier. I also told him that I was going to take the summer semester off because we all need a break and need to have some time to spend together.
After that, he started to smile again and he started to relax. I think I hit the nail on the head. I did also tell him that things will not always feel this crazy. It's just a lot of things happening in a very short amount of time. It will get better.
I started my new job two weeks ago. I think it is going well. I am on complete information overload. I am trying to learn as much as I can about Long term care and my new responsibilities. For those who may read this and do not read any other stuff or talk to me in other capacities, let me fill you in.
In November, I learned that my nice job at the county was going to end due to budget cuts. My last day was January 8, 2010. There are frustrating things that one encounters when working for a large state operated system and union rules. Bureaucratic red-tape is the best description. Communication with me, the lowly staff person, does not seem to terribly high on the priority list. I found out on December 24 via an email that I did not actually read until the next week when I came back to work after the Christmas holiday that I had a temporary reassignment onto a unit that was going to be shut down and transferred to another facility, in another town. And because of that, I would also be included in their lay-off group and would be getting an official lay-off notice with my options. My options included a)take the lay-off b) "Bump" a less senior RN out of their position of which I could choose from one of the following 4 options...1 was a rotating day and evening position, 3 were straight nights. or c) take an open position but less than full time.
The way I had always understood things was that if you had a significant amount of seniority, the options should not be so lousy. I had 30 people under me in seniority and this was my option. Something about this really bugged me but I couldn't put my finger on it until the week I started back at the Treatment center in orientation and talked with some of the staff who were working on the unit that was being shut down. A very brand-new RN had bid off to another unit and for some reason, was considered "safe" from the lay-off or from being "bumped". Why would this RN who had worked for a few months be assured of a job when I, who had worked for the state for over 6 years, 3 1/2 of which were as an RN get stuck working nights? It didn't make sense and I was getting mad.
An opportunity sort fell into my lap. There is no other way to describe it. My friend from college works at a nursing home in Minneapolis. She is one of the directors and told me that they were looking for a couple of nurse managers and would I consider it? Initially, I said I would wait a while and see how things played out with the state but then when I started learning about all this other junk going on, and she posted a little plug on Facebook about the job (not just to me but to others who might know good nurses) I wrote to her and said, "Consider me interested." As she and I wrote back and forth, the administrator chimes in on the discussion and says, "Tulip, you call me tomorrow."
In actuality, my first week of training at the treatment center, I knew I had this job interview so I tried to be positive and keep an open mind, knowing that I was exploring other options and was not stuck. The interview went well and I was essentially offered the job if all went well in a meeting with the Assistant Director of Nursing the next week. The following week was a holiday, so my kids and I were going to the Mall of America for the day and the Administrator asked me to call during the day and schedule an appointment with the ADON. Instead, I came in on my way home from the MOA, with my 4 bedraggled, sweaty children and had an interview with the ADON and met again with the Administrator. I walked out with the job.
And I learned that I would be another Assistant Director of Nursing, sharing duties (to be determined later) with the other ADON. That began my whirlwind of excitement, exhaustion and losing all my wits. But the more I dig in, the more I like what I am doing and the more I feel like this is what I am supposed to be doing. I'm far from relaxed but I can see where I am headed.
The stress is taking its toll however. I feel like I am running and never catch up. However, the beauty in that is that I am realizing my children are far more capable then I have given them credit and it is not wrong of me to expect them to pick up some of the slack. However, it is wrong of me to expect them to do things to the same skill that I would or with the same efficiency and dedication. We are all growing in that area.
The use of the computer is helping all of us in that area. I can type out my To Do lists and even write out what I want them to do exactly. They can have time to use the computer if they do what they have been asked to do. And there are things that we have to keep up with every day or it piles up and gets overwhelming. This pertains mostly to the kitchen because our kitchen is small and the dishwasher does not work.
BB is reacting to these changes in a way that is frustrating. He has been so angry and irritable. I sat down with him and described what I was seeing as him putting out spikes like a cactus or a porcupine. And when someone is acting prickly it is because there is something they want to protect from being hurt. We talked about the changes in our family over the last few months and how it is understandable that he would want to protect himself from being hurt by sticking out his prickly parts. But his prickly-ness is hurting his family and we are getting tired of being yelled at, answered with sarcastic, rude comments. The only thing that he actually said that was bothering him was that I now have homework from my own school and he feels like that is taking time away from him.
As I think about it, that does make sense. He wants my attention and he is doing all sorts of things to send me a message that he is unhappy. He is also doing things to interfere or disrupt with our family life. He does not like my going to school. I agreed that going to school is hard and has changed things a bit but it is getting easier. I also told him that I was going to take the summer semester off because we all need a break and need to have some time to spend together.
After that, he started to smile again and he started to relax. I think I hit the nail on the head. I did also tell him that things will not always feel this crazy. It's just a lot of things happening in a very short amount of time. It will get better.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Embracing change
So many things are changing right now. It does seem to make my head spin and I wonder how it is that I am not huddled in a corner, knees to chest, rocking and sucking my thumb.
Because I am a grown-up, that's why. And, because I have realized that the only thing I can truly count on staying the same is that everything is going to change eventually. I may not like it. It may hurt or feel uncomfortable and it usually means I am will be tossed out of my comfortable bubble. Tough. That's life.
I am reading a chapter in my course book for my Master's degree and this week's topic is on change. One of the statements that hit me, like a stake to my heart, is that "the tension between stability and chaos creates change" (Grossman & Valiga, 2009, p. 116) and "a system maintains itself only if change is occurring in it all the time." (Grossman & Valiga, 2009, p 117). I realized as I read this that it is this very process of chaotic craziness that is changing me and helping me grow! So embrace it, baby!
I thought it would be "fun" to write out the changes that are occurring in my life at the moment. If nothing else it will show me that I am living my life out on that edge of chaos and there is a purpose for it. I may not know all of the purpose for it but for me, I am a simple enough person to be content to know that sooner or later, I will know the reason.
1. Grieving the death of my Dad. This is still huge. A friend of mine mentioned that grieving takes 1000 days. I like that because it takes the pressure off of me when I think ,"Come on, get over it. Let it go." Yet at the same time, the process of letting it go takes time and cannot be rushed.
2. One job ending. It was not something I wanted to happen. I was content. But at the same time, if I am truly honest with myself, I knew that it was never going to be "the last stop" in my career. At some point, I was going to grow beyond that job. What I had to let go of was the loss of it being on my terms and by my choice.
3. A new job beginning. This is exciting. New challenges, new responsibilities. But stress, anxiety and fear. I'm just laying it out there.
4. Going back to school again. Granted, I do all my schooling from home, filling it in around the rest of my life. There is no other way I could do it! But it does add stress and a burden. At the same time, I feel like my mind is just a sponge. I had been sitting on the fence for so long about whether I should start or not and could I hack it. Now I am reading books like the one I mentioned above and seeing how my learning process is spilling over into every area of my life. I am ready for this.
5. A teenage daughter. So far, so good. I'm seeing more emotional lability and some challenges to my authority. But she is a good girl and I think we have a good relationship. So we talk about the changes going on with her. I'm working through some grief knowing that my time with her at home is getting shorter and she is going to start pulling away. It has begun already with long weekend trips with the youth group and summer camp. So, I say to myself alot, "Give her roots and wings."
6. Another adolescent on the verge. An 11 year old boy who makes me laugh, cry and scratch my head or want to ram my head into a wall in frustration. And that is just in 30 minutes. Yet, I have seen so much growth in him over the last year. His brain is developing and the logical aspects are kicking in. He is very black and white. Some of that is being ADHD. He also has to see how this applies to him and if it does not, good luck getting him on board.
7. More battles with the school regarding absences and a report to the county of educational neglect. Ugh. I know in my heart that I am not "Educationally neglecting" my children but the thought that someone out there thinks I am, because my kids got the very illness that is causing a "pandemic" across the world, just bugs me.
8. Another move. It's been almost 2 years. I'm frustrated with this townhouse. I have a place to go. It's hard to wait. But the thought of packing and unpacking again. Sigh.
9. Basketball practice once a week and games on Saturdays. And a boy who wants to play but is struggling with a coach who is a little harder and does not go by BB's rules. As soon as the clock hits 7pm, BB believes practice is over and he starts to shut down. I watch him at practice and in games and while he seems to have a good time playing, this is not something that stirs passion in him. It's painful to watch.
10. A comment from my 8 year old, while we were at the Mall of America, "We need another person in our family. A father." That is something that has been with us for 7 years and is a wound that I can't heal completely from myself. How do I explain to him that I know he wants and needs a father and at the same time, I am going to be very, very picky about who gets to be that for him? At the same time, there is a very real possibility that a father at this point in his life, is not part of God's plan. Instead, I pull him close, kiss him on the head and whisper, "I know, baby, I know."
I think that is it. It's enough, isn't it? Is it any wonder that I feel tired and a little overwhelmed? When I look at that list and then I walk through my house, I find myself lightening up a bit on my aggravation with how things are not clean for long. In many ways, we are still working on a "survival mode" while also developing some skills. It's a season. We are dancing on the edge of chaos but it is that edge that sharpens us, pulls us together as a family and builds our character.
Grossman, S. & Valiga, T. (2009). The new leadership challenge: Creating the future of nursing. Philadelphia: F. A. Davis Company.
Because I am a grown-up, that's why. And, because I have realized that the only thing I can truly count on staying the same is that everything is going to change eventually. I may not like it. It may hurt or feel uncomfortable and it usually means I am will be tossed out of my comfortable bubble. Tough. That's life.
I am reading a chapter in my course book for my Master's degree and this week's topic is on change. One of the statements that hit me, like a stake to my heart, is that "the tension between stability and chaos creates change" (Grossman & Valiga, 2009, p. 116) and "a system maintains itself only if change is occurring in it all the time." (Grossman & Valiga, 2009, p 117). I realized as I read this that it is this very process of chaotic craziness that is changing me and helping me grow! So embrace it, baby!
I thought it would be "fun" to write out the changes that are occurring in my life at the moment. If nothing else it will show me that I am living my life out on that edge of chaos and there is a purpose for it. I may not know all of the purpose for it but for me, I am a simple enough person to be content to know that sooner or later, I will know the reason.
1. Grieving the death of my Dad. This is still huge. A friend of mine mentioned that grieving takes 1000 days. I like that because it takes the pressure off of me when I think ,"Come on, get over it. Let it go." Yet at the same time, the process of letting it go takes time and cannot be rushed.
2. One job ending. It was not something I wanted to happen. I was content. But at the same time, if I am truly honest with myself, I knew that it was never going to be "the last stop" in my career. At some point, I was going to grow beyond that job. What I had to let go of was the loss of it being on my terms and by my choice.
3. A new job beginning. This is exciting. New challenges, new responsibilities. But stress, anxiety and fear. I'm just laying it out there.
4. Going back to school again. Granted, I do all my schooling from home, filling it in around the rest of my life. There is no other way I could do it! But it does add stress and a burden. At the same time, I feel like my mind is just a sponge. I had been sitting on the fence for so long about whether I should start or not and could I hack it. Now I am reading books like the one I mentioned above and seeing how my learning process is spilling over into every area of my life. I am ready for this.
5. A teenage daughter. So far, so good. I'm seeing more emotional lability and some challenges to my authority. But she is a good girl and I think we have a good relationship. So we talk about the changes going on with her. I'm working through some grief knowing that my time with her at home is getting shorter and she is going to start pulling away. It has begun already with long weekend trips with the youth group and summer camp. So, I say to myself alot, "Give her roots and wings."
6. Another adolescent on the verge. An 11 year old boy who makes me laugh, cry and scratch my head or want to ram my head into a wall in frustration. And that is just in 30 minutes. Yet, I have seen so much growth in him over the last year. His brain is developing and the logical aspects are kicking in. He is very black and white. Some of that is being ADHD. He also has to see how this applies to him and if it does not, good luck getting him on board.
7. More battles with the school regarding absences and a report to the county of educational neglect. Ugh. I know in my heart that I am not "Educationally neglecting" my children but the thought that someone out there thinks I am, because my kids got the very illness that is causing a "pandemic" across the world, just bugs me.
8. Another move. It's been almost 2 years. I'm frustrated with this townhouse. I have a place to go. It's hard to wait. But the thought of packing and unpacking again. Sigh.
9. Basketball practice once a week and games on Saturdays. And a boy who wants to play but is struggling with a coach who is a little harder and does not go by BB's rules. As soon as the clock hits 7pm, BB believes practice is over and he starts to shut down. I watch him at practice and in games and while he seems to have a good time playing, this is not something that stirs passion in him. It's painful to watch.
10. A comment from my 8 year old, while we were at the Mall of America, "We need another person in our family. A father." That is something that has been with us for 7 years and is a wound that I can't heal completely from myself. How do I explain to him that I know he wants and needs a father and at the same time, I am going to be very, very picky about who gets to be that for him? At the same time, there is a very real possibility that a father at this point in his life, is not part of God's plan. Instead, I pull him close, kiss him on the head and whisper, "I know, baby, I know."
I think that is it. It's enough, isn't it? Is it any wonder that I feel tired and a little overwhelmed? When I look at that list and then I walk through my house, I find myself lightening up a bit on my aggravation with how things are not clean for long. In many ways, we are still working on a "survival mode" while also developing some skills. It's a season. We are dancing on the edge of chaos but it is that edge that sharpens us, pulls us together as a family and builds our character.
Grossman, S. & Valiga, T. (2009). The new leadership challenge: Creating the future of nursing. Philadelphia: F. A. Davis Company.
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