I have had a "perfect storm" of events in the last few weeks. Actually, it all kind of happened in one week, but the repercussions are still be felt now. In the middle of May, I turned 39. No big deal. It's a birthday. It was a busy week because we were getting ready to move from the townhouse in Hugo to a new home in Lexington. My birthday was weird. I had to work. I'm used to that. I have always either worked or had finals or other things occur on my birthday. No parades or national holidays...just life. But I did get sung to on my voicemail by my sister and my kids told me Happy Birthday all day long. I got sung to at work and they bought me lunch but no one ate with me. That should have been a clue.
The next day, at the end of the day, the Director of Nursing sat me down in my office and told me that she was giving me 30 days to find a new job and did I have any questions. What do you say to that? Clearly, she is not happy with my work but not so unhappy or concerned with what I do that she didn't need or couldn't justify an escort out the door that day. But she did let me leave early. This was Thursday afternoon and I had Friday off in order to finish getting ready to move on Saturday.
So, in the midst of trying to get things in order to pack, finish painting and all those little details that need attention, my mind is racing in a hundred different directions because now I need a new job and I have to face going back to work on Monday knowing that I am no longer wanted or needed in that position.
I have wise people in my life who gave me a lot of tidbits and things to ponder. If I was in any way endangering the safety of the nursing home, I would not have gotten 30 days. If the quality of my work was an issue, I would not have gotten 30 days. Instead, I was not the person the new DON wanted to work with and truth be told, I have been struggling to keep up with all the various tasks that get thrown at me during the day so perhaps this job is too big for me to handle at this point. And this is really an opportunity to take what I have learned and move on to something else. It in no way means I am a bad nurse or a bad manager or ineffective leader. "Not a good fit" is very appropriate. I didn't fit Camden and Camden didn't fit me.
But it has been weird going to work every day feeling like "dead man walking" or the "lame duck ADON". Except that very few people know that I am the lame duck ADON. I have decided that I will continue to hold my head high and walk in to work every day, work hard, do my very best work and smile. I will be gracious and kind and not be bitter. There are a lot of nasty things I could do but that is really beneath me as the kind of person I want to be. As some people have told me, go in to work and do your job in such a way that they regret their decision.
And that is what I do. Amazingly, it gets easier every day. The every-day issues don't bother me. Sometimes I still feel the sting of being rejected or being lashed out against but I take myself into my office and remind myself that I don't have to take it personally. My countdown clock has started. And there is a job out there that has my name written all over it; it will use my gifts and abilities and also provide challenge and growth.
To compound the supposed simplicity of my life, (Ha ha ha. )I learned from a private assessment that my youngest son will more than likely be repeating first grade and that at some point during the year (earlier rather than later, in my opinion), he shut down and lost his confidence. The assessment placed him at a Kindergarten level. To me, it feels as if 1st grade was a complete wash and that despite my repeated requests for help for him, he was just pushed along with very little indication of how serious the problem was. It wasn't until I completed a parent survey for grade retention that I learned of his teacher's opinion that he should have been held back in Kindergarten. If this was his opinion, why didn't this get dealt with in September or October. I am angry and sad for my son and his frustrations. Looking back, it is so clear how much he was struggling. He has told me about his good-bad days and then one day how excited he was last week when he got the right answer for a math problem and his teacher told him he gets a pat on the back. I realized that he has had very little "successes" through the year but has felt a lot of criticism. It makes me want to cry.
So, my family has taken Peanut on as a "village" project. My sister, the english teacher, will be tutoring him through the summer. My Mom is going to do some extra 1:1 enrichment tutoring and the irony for me, I am going to help him with math. Me, the reformed hater of math...the one who struggled to multiply and hated Algebra and Geometry...I am going to work on math skills. The primary goal for Peanut is to overcome this hump of low self confidence and even if he repeats the first grade, he will be more prepared and feel good about himself.
Oh, there's more but I'm tired.
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