When I was 16 and taking Driver's Ed, the scourge of the whole course was parallel parking. I thought then that I would NEVER use it so it was pointless to learn how to do it and then to know that if I blew it on the exam, I could fail. So, I practiced. My Dad set up two poles for me and set them on the street so I could try to make the perfect parallel park between them. I passed my driver's test, squeaked enough points out on the parallel parking to be marginal. And when I drove away with my new license, I still figured I would never use parallel parking. Then I moved to Duluth and lived on a one-way street and often had to parallel park.
While I honed my skills in Duluth, a lot of time has passed and my skills have gotten rusty. Now I work in Stillwater and there are times when I have to park on the street or downtown and I need to refresh my skills.
One day, I was attempting to parallel park my mini-van in front of the building where my client lived. I must have tried 3 times before I just gave up and found a spot I could just pull into. I didn't think much of it until my client told me, "I was really pulling for ya when you were parking out there." He saw the whole thing. I laughed it off but I grew determined to once again become a parallel master. I have had many more opportunities to try. Most unsuccessful attempts with the results of crooked, unparallel parks, hitting the curb and a narrow miss with a very, shiny and new Audi.
On Friday, ironically, I pulled up in front of the same client's apartment. On this day, I nailed it! It was so beautiful, I almost wept. I did let out an excited "YES!" and if it were possible, I would have given myself a high five. My skills are coming back. Just like riding a bike.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Good News All Around
This is a week to celebrate many blessings:
1) I had a scare with my phone company bundle service when I got a bill for $400 and then a collection notice. I was pretty sure this was wrong and it seemed I was being double billed for something I had already taken care of. I gave myself the weekend to cool off and collect my thoughts. When I called on Monday, the customer service guy (CSG) did some research while he had me on the phone and could find no $400 balance and no reason for the collection. He told me it is some sort of a fluke and not to worry about it. I took his name and wrote down the date and time that I called...just in case. I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief!!
2) One week after the bottom dropped out of my career world and I thought I was going to have to rearrange everything in my life and take a position back at the mother ship, I got word from my supervisor that my job was no longer at risk and I can stay right where I am. I let out a loud "Whooo Wee" and then briskly walked to my county supervisor to tell her the news. She said, "YEah! You can do a happy dance!" And I did!
3) Peanut has conquered his fear of getting his face wet in the pool and on Monday was not only jumping from the edge of the pool but also took off his floaty suit and was doing little swimming strokes and climbing out, so he could jump again. He must have jumped 50 times, getting more and more courageous. The next day, he went to a water park with his babysitter and was swimming underwater for much longer distances than he had the night before. The other mom's thought he had been swimming for much longer. His sitter was amazed that he had only started going underwater the night before!
4) My Dad had hip replacement surgery yesterday. Everything went fine. I saw him tonight. He said he has been running a low-grade temp all day but he said he is feeling OK. He should be able to come home on Saturday. I am still praying that his recovery continues to go on the upswing and that he will be able to manage his pain well.
1) I had a scare with my phone company bundle service when I got a bill for $400 and then a collection notice. I was pretty sure this was wrong and it seemed I was being double billed for something I had already taken care of. I gave myself the weekend to cool off and collect my thoughts. When I called on Monday, the customer service guy (CSG) did some research while he had me on the phone and could find no $400 balance and no reason for the collection. He told me it is some sort of a fluke and not to worry about it. I took his name and wrote down the date and time that I called...just in case. I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief!!
2) One week after the bottom dropped out of my career world and I thought I was going to have to rearrange everything in my life and take a position back at the mother ship, I got word from my supervisor that my job was no longer at risk and I can stay right where I am. I let out a loud "Whooo Wee" and then briskly walked to my county supervisor to tell her the news. She said, "YEah! You can do a happy dance!" And I did!
3) Peanut has conquered his fear of getting his face wet in the pool and on Monday was not only jumping from the edge of the pool but also took off his floaty suit and was doing little swimming strokes and climbing out, so he could jump again. He must have jumped 50 times, getting more and more courageous. The next day, he went to a water park with his babysitter and was swimming underwater for much longer distances than he had the night before. The other mom's thought he had been swimming for much longer. His sitter was amazed that he had only started going underwater the night before!
4) My Dad had hip replacement surgery yesterday. Everything went fine. I saw him tonight. He said he has been running a low-grade temp all day but he said he is feeling OK. He should be able to come home on Saturday. I am still praying that his recovery continues to go on the upswing and that he will be able to manage his pain well.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Still on the edge
Payday arrived. But I am not out of the woods. I sat down last night and faced my checkbook, chanting to myself, "They are only numbers...they are only numbers...". It was painful. But I have gas in my tank, food on my shelf and I will pay my daycare provider and my car payment. The rest is up in the air. I don't know how I will manage the $400 deficit of things that will be automatically withdrawn from my account over the course of the next few weeks, before my next paycheck.
It is stressing me out so bad, I woke up early with my stomach in knots. I did make the decision that my highest priority is to make sure I have cash in hand for gas and that I pay cash to my childcare provider. She has already extended me great courtesy and I will not presume upon her any further.
I also tallied up the amount of fees I have incurred over the past month and half and this does explain why I am continually falling short and feeling such a pinch. I feel that I must revisit the credit union on Monday and although it is not their policy to reverse more than one overdraft per year, I have to try. If they would reverse even half of them, it would help me catch up. This would be my point...some of this problem I am having is that I did get sloppy with my checkbook and did not watch the balance, nor keep a record and I am correcting myself on that. I am forcing myself to diligently check both online and on Quicken, as well as enter transactions as they occur that day so that there are no more surprises. I am learning from my mistakes. I am switching over to cash on as many things as I can so that I do not use my debit card and thus spend money blindly, per my previous habit. I am in the process, with the help of this great book that I highly recommend called "Debt Proof Living" by Mary Hunt, of tracking where every penny goes, no matter if it is $.50 for a can of pop to the rent payment on a daily basis and then when I have done that for a month, she has another step-by-step process for determining what I am spending money on, where money is leaking out and developing a spending plan so that I can learn to be a good steward, she says "money manager" but good steward works for me.
I am realizing that I have not developed good management skills. I also have some hang-ups about money that have placed me in this position. It is one of the reasons I am going back to therapy, to sort that out and figure out why I do some really stupid, self-defeating, even risky things in many areas, not just finances. I am trying to grow up and be responsible and thus take responsibility for my actions. However, it does not mean I can't ask for help in appropriate ways. Such as going back to the credit union and seeing if there is any room to work there, if I lay out my plan and show how I am working on ending this cycle of bouncing checks. But if I don't find a way to cork it off, it's going to take a really long time and I fear I will develop an ulcer.
The other thing that woke me up early is a new issue that has come to light regarding my job and a potential change that could, theoretically, occur as soon as August 6. I am really upset about it but at this point, I have done everything I can on my end and all I can do is wait to see how things shake out.
There are a number of jobs being eliminated across the board in the Department of Human Services and State Operated Services, of which I am a state employee. My job is not on the chopping block, however, there is a nurse who is planning to retire in December whose job is being eliminated. The kicker is that the agency she contracts with would like to keep her and would like to develop a contract. However, if a contract can't be made, then she would be able to and would most likely bump me out of my position because of some sort of contractual thing that says she can because of her work site being over 35 miles from the "mother ship" and my work site is within 35 miles of her work site, however, because she is an RN senior, she would actually bump my colleague, who would then bump me out of my position and I have the option to bump a less senior nurse from a position at the "mother ship" or take a vacant position.
It all stinks. I have a great job that I have worked hard at over the last 15 months developing rapport with my clients, building relationships with providers and cohesion in my team. Not to mention that I have an awesome schedule...M-F, day hours, no weekends, no holidays and not mandatory overtime. If I have to go back to working at the Regional Treatment Center, I lose all of that. I go back to working rotating shifts between 7am-3:30pm or 3pm-11:30pm, potentially I can get "stuck" if there is a sick leave and no one who wants to come in and cover it, I would work a schedule of 7 days on, 2 days off then 3 days on and 2 days off. Ick, ick, ick. I don't mind the work. I enjoyed it when I did it but as a single mother, going back to this will be a real hardship for me. I was looking forward to my childcare costs going down to just a monthly tuition for my Kindergartner and now I will have to have childcare when I work evenings and when I work weekends.
I am also feeling very hurt because my colleague at the county called me on the phone to say that she was feeling "just sick about all of this...but you know, Tulip, if I have to bump you, I will." It felt like I was being shown the knife that would stab me in the back. It is her right to do this. She has a higher classification than me, more seniority however, I have worked in this position longer than her. And truthfully, it just outright hurt.
I needed to make a decision about what I would want "in the event" I had to bump back to the RTC. I was given a list of options, including potential positions where I could bump someone less senior out of their position, as well as two units that had vacant positions. I decided that since there were vacant positions, I could not in good conscience bump someone out of their position. If it came down to it and I had no alternative, I would but I would not be happy about it and would probably lose a lot of sleep over it. But in this case, I feel like I made a decision that will rest my conscience and will not stir up any more bad blood than there already is. However, because there is so much potential shifting around, there is still the possibility that I would have to bump someone. But I will cross that bridge when I get to it.
My supervisor is working on this contract for the woman who is retiring and hopefully, he will be able to get it put together in time and none of this shifting around in my part of the world will have to happen. That is my prayer. And I have to sit tight for a couple more weeks to see how things fall together. I think for my own mental health, I am going to try to let it rest there. I have so much other stuff on my mind that I don't need to add more to the mix, nor make the ulcer I have brewing grow any bigger.
It is stressing me out so bad, I woke up early with my stomach in knots. I did make the decision that my highest priority is to make sure I have cash in hand for gas and that I pay cash to my childcare provider. She has already extended me great courtesy and I will not presume upon her any further.
I also tallied up the amount of fees I have incurred over the past month and half and this does explain why I am continually falling short and feeling such a pinch. I feel that I must revisit the credit union on Monday and although it is not their policy to reverse more than one overdraft per year, I have to try. If they would reverse even half of them, it would help me catch up. This would be my point...some of this problem I am having is that I did get sloppy with my checkbook and did not watch the balance, nor keep a record and I am correcting myself on that. I am forcing myself to diligently check both online and on Quicken, as well as enter transactions as they occur that day so that there are no more surprises. I am learning from my mistakes. I am switching over to cash on as many things as I can so that I do not use my debit card and thus spend money blindly, per my previous habit. I am in the process, with the help of this great book that I highly recommend called "Debt Proof Living" by Mary Hunt, of tracking where every penny goes, no matter if it is $.50 for a can of pop to the rent payment on a daily basis and then when I have done that for a month, she has another step-by-step process for determining what I am spending money on, where money is leaking out and developing a spending plan so that I can learn to be a good steward, she says "money manager" but good steward works for me.
I am realizing that I have not developed good management skills. I also have some hang-ups about money that have placed me in this position. It is one of the reasons I am going back to therapy, to sort that out and figure out why I do some really stupid, self-defeating, even risky things in many areas, not just finances. I am trying to grow up and be responsible and thus take responsibility for my actions. However, it does not mean I can't ask for help in appropriate ways. Such as going back to the credit union and seeing if there is any room to work there, if I lay out my plan and show how I am working on ending this cycle of bouncing checks. But if I don't find a way to cork it off, it's going to take a really long time and I fear I will develop an ulcer.
The other thing that woke me up early is a new issue that has come to light regarding my job and a potential change that could, theoretically, occur as soon as August 6. I am really upset about it but at this point, I have done everything I can on my end and all I can do is wait to see how things shake out.
There are a number of jobs being eliminated across the board in the Department of Human Services and State Operated Services, of which I am a state employee. My job is not on the chopping block, however, there is a nurse who is planning to retire in December whose job is being eliminated. The kicker is that the agency she contracts with would like to keep her and would like to develop a contract. However, if a contract can't be made, then she would be able to and would most likely bump me out of my position because of some sort of contractual thing that says she can because of her work site being over 35 miles from the "mother ship" and my work site is within 35 miles of her work site, however, because she is an RN senior, she would actually bump my colleague, who would then bump me out of my position and I have the option to bump a less senior nurse from a position at the "mother ship" or take a vacant position.
It all stinks. I have a great job that I have worked hard at over the last 15 months developing rapport with my clients, building relationships with providers and cohesion in my team. Not to mention that I have an awesome schedule...M-F, day hours, no weekends, no holidays and not mandatory overtime. If I have to go back to working at the Regional Treatment Center, I lose all of that. I go back to working rotating shifts between 7am-3:30pm or 3pm-11:30pm, potentially I can get "stuck" if there is a sick leave and no one who wants to come in and cover it, I would work a schedule of 7 days on, 2 days off then 3 days on and 2 days off. Ick, ick, ick. I don't mind the work. I enjoyed it when I did it but as a single mother, going back to this will be a real hardship for me. I was looking forward to my childcare costs going down to just a monthly tuition for my Kindergartner and now I will have to have childcare when I work evenings and when I work weekends.
I am also feeling very hurt because my colleague at the county called me on the phone to say that she was feeling "just sick about all of this...but you know, Tulip, if I have to bump you, I will." It felt like I was being shown the knife that would stab me in the back. It is her right to do this. She has a higher classification than me, more seniority however, I have worked in this position longer than her. And truthfully, it just outright hurt.
I needed to make a decision about what I would want "in the event" I had to bump back to the RTC. I was given a list of options, including potential positions where I could bump someone less senior out of their position, as well as two units that had vacant positions. I decided that since there were vacant positions, I could not in good conscience bump someone out of their position. If it came down to it and I had no alternative, I would but I would not be happy about it and would probably lose a lot of sleep over it. But in this case, I feel like I made a decision that will rest my conscience and will not stir up any more bad blood than there already is. However, because there is so much potential shifting around, there is still the possibility that I would have to bump someone. But I will cross that bridge when I get to it.
My supervisor is working on this contract for the woman who is retiring and hopefully, he will be able to get it put together in time and none of this shifting around in my part of the world will have to happen. That is my prayer. And I have to sit tight for a couple more weeks to see how things fall together. I think for my own mental health, I am going to try to let it rest there. I have so much other stuff on my mind that I don't need to add more to the mix, nor make the ulcer I have brewing grow any bigger.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Blessed
In my economic crisis, I wondered almost daily how I would come up with money for gas. It's very humbling when you realize that your children have more money than you do and then to have to ask them to loan you their cash so you can get to work the rest of the week. I cried the rest of the day after I asked my two oldest children for the cash they had, which I added to the $5 I got from selling books to Half Price Books...giving me a total of $20. With gas prices, this was not much but it would get me to work a day or two more and each day was another day closer to payday.
Uncomfortable is another word I use frequently. And something that is below "humbling". I feel as if everything I have relied upon is being stripped away and there is nothing for me to rely upon except the Lord and the creative inspiration He gives me.
On Sunday, I had a conversation with a friend about what my days are like. I mentioned how long they are and she commented how I must use my crock pot a lot. I mentioned that I left it behind at the other house so I was really feeling the loss of it right now, as it would be very handy.
She watched my kids for an hour on Tuesday when I went to my first therapy appointment. When I got there, she pointed to a box and told me to take it. It was a brand new crock pot...and not a basic one either. It's fancy. Far beyond what I would have ever bought for myself and I know that I would not have replaced my crock pot for a long time. I was stunned. When I drove away, I just burst into tears. I wanted to say, "Lord, it's too much...stop." But really what my soul cried out for was "More...more." and not the kind of monetary blessings or a rescue from my financial situation but these little reminders that show me that He is watching me, He is listening to me and He knows what my needs are.
Well, I didn't take the box out of my trunk until yesterday. I was excited to make something in my crock. I opened up the box and started to pull it out. Down at the bottom of the box, my friend had slipped in a plastic bag with $18. I just about fell over. Because here I was, a day away from pay day, my gas tank practically on fumes again and now I had enough to get me to work and back and make it to Friday. I am blessed.
Everything that is happening to me is showing me that I am heading in the right direction and that I am making the right decisions but I have some tough days ahead of me. I have consequences to face and that never feels good and God knows what I need and He will provide but He expects me to obey. He will show me the way. I just need to trust Him and keep trusting Him. And most of all, don't quit now. It's going to get harder before it gets better but it's going to get better.
Uncomfortable is another word I use frequently. And something that is below "humbling". I feel as if everything I have relied upon is being stripped away and there is nothing for me to rely upon except the Lord and the creative inspiration He gives me.
On Sunday, I had a conversation with a friend about what my days are like. I mentioned how long they are and she commented how I must use my crock pot a lot. I mentioned that I left it behind at the other house so I was really feeling the loss of it right now, as it would be very handy.
She watched my kids for an hour on Tuesday when I went to my first therapy appointment. When I got there, she pointed to a box and told me to take it. It was a brand new crock pot...and not a basic one either. It's fancy. Far beyond what I would have ever bought for myself and I know that I would not have replaced my crock pot for a long time. I was stunned. When I drove away, I just burst into tears. I wanted to say, "Lord, it's too much...stop." But really what my soul cried out for was "More...more." and not the kind of monetary blessings or a rescue from my financial situation but these little reminders that show me that He is watching me, He is listening to me and He knows what my needs are.
Well, I didn't take the box out of my trunk until yesterday. I was excited to make something in my crock. I opened up the box and started to pull it out. Down at the bottom of the box, my friend had slipped in a plastic bag with $18. I just about fell over. Because here I was, a day away from pay day, my gas tank practically on fumes again and now I had enough to get me to work and back and make it to Friday. I am blessed.
Everything that is happening to me is showing me that I am heading in the right direction and that I am making the right decisions but I have some tough days ahead of me. I have consequences to face and that never feels good and God knows what I need and He will provide but He expects me to obey. He will show me the way. I just need to trust Him and keep trusting Him. And most of all, don't quit now. It's going to get harder before it gets better but it's going to get better.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Why?
Today, I felt strongly led to drive to my bank and talk to a bank officer about some issues I am having with my checking account. They are my own fault...part of my "paying the piper" issue and pulling myself out of the mess I have made by being careless. I really did not want to go. It was very far out of my way, because I use a credit union. I didn't think there was anything anyone could do. But the compulsion feeling stayed with me and stuck like a knot in my gut. So, I spent my morning at work getting things accomplished; paperwork, paperwork, paperwork so that I could take my lunch hour to go to the credit union and then finish the afternoon with in the field appointments.
I wrote out my ideas about what I wanted to discuss. The manager was very friendly, very nice and did not demean me in any way. This has been my experience with every person I have ever worked with at the credit union and one of the top reasons I will stay with them. But there was nothing he could really do. He pulled my credit, with my permission and went over a few things with me on my credit report and showed me how my score is actually improving and a few more car payments under my belt will increase my score even more. However, today, there was nothing to do to help my present situation.
I left with tears stinging my eyes. Why, Lord, did you send me over here then? I don't understand. It seemed like such a waste of time.
However, there were a few things that John said to me that stuck with me and I do believe that this is what the Lord wanted to tell me today. He told me that I am heading in a good direction and I am close to pulling myself out of my hole. He said that by the end of the year, things will turn around. He also told me that there are many good things happening with my credit, so my overall financial picture is really very promising.
OK. I should have had my expectations to be "expect the worst, hope for the best" but I hung onto the "hope for the best part" and did not prepare myself for the "expect the worst" part. I had a lot of drive-time today, which meant I had a lot of time to talk out loud to the Lord and sort it out. The tears dried up quickly when I realized that the Lord was giving me a glimpse of the "Big Picture" and I was feeling stuck in the "little picture". The big picture is that the decisions I make today will affect my tomorrow. However, the Bible says I am not to worry about tomorrow, because today has enough trouble of it's own.
Don't I know it.
I have one more week til payday. My Mom is going to pay me "in gas" to pick-up my Dad in Lindstrom tomorrow. This will get me through the rest of the week. My checkbook can sit idle.
I was also feeling sad, and a bit sorry for myself, because I had some silver coins that I was going to take in and get appraised. One of the things I have been reading in the books by Mary Hunt, and some other places, is that when your life is cluttered, get rid of things that do not bring joy and beauty or function to your life. These coins were a gift from my ex-fiance' and every time I looked at them in my jewelry box, I felt a little prick in my heart. Then I learned from some phone calls that I made, that they were worth more than their face value so I figured if I sold them to a coin dealer, I would get some cash to help get me through the next week.
The coins have disappeared. I thought that one of my children took them from my purse, even though I put them in a lesser known pocket, in an envelope, to minimize the chance of their discovery. I told them last night that they were missing and I needed them returned. BB insisted he knew nothing about them. I have a hard time believing him and sometimes he protests loudly and then later on will confess. I did not let the boys play on the computer and this made BB really mad. It became a huge power struggle with him. But I realized that with the pressure I had applied to him, if he knew anything about the coins, he would have given them up because he would not have withstood losing his computer time. I continued to search. I wracked my brain for places where I may have lost them, should my purse have dumped out. But they are gone. I checked my desk drawers at work.
My gut is telling me that I put them in my desk drawer at work and they were stolen. There has been a lot of thievery going on. I should have known better. I could have locked them up in my med cabinet.
So, with the urging to go to the bank and then the loss of these coins that I figured was close to $50 weighing on me, I felt like I had just hit the lowest point. I had also searched high and low for a savings bond but I can't find that either. It was so frustrating. I came back to the question, "Why?"
Why have these things gone missing now, at this point, when I need them so much? Why did I drive across town to the credit union to gain nothing but a pat on the back and a "hang in there"?
TRUST.
I have nothing to put my trust in but the Lord. It has all been stripped away. This is my lesson. I am to lean in and rely on the Lord. I have my work to do. I have to sort out my debts and build my plan for repaying them. I have to tighten my belt and live very frugally, probably for the rest of the summer and into October, is my best estimate. I have to apologize to some people whom I have hurt and I have to rebuild trust with them. I have nobody to rely on. No one to rescue me but the Lord. No human being is going to come to my aid right now because I believe the Lord is holding them back in order to teach me a lesson in TRUST.
Tonight, I am sitting here at my computer realizing that I have food in my cupboards, enough to get us through. I have a quarter of a tank of gas in my tank which will get me to Lindstrom. My Mom has said she will pay me in gas but I don't know what that means at this point, so all I can do is trust and lean on the Lord.
As painful as it is and as miserable as things feel at times, I realize that the Lord loves me very much. If He didn't, He wouldn't bother to teach me these lessons. He could see to it that someone stepped in to bail me out but if that happened, I would not be learning and I would not be trusting. He really loves me. And with Him, nothing is impossible. I will survive.
I wrote out my ideas about what I wanted to discuss. The manager was very friendly, very nice and did not demean me in any way. This has been my experience with every person I have ever worked with at the credit union and one of the top reasons I will stay with them. But there was nothing he could really do. He pulled my credit, with my permission and went over a few things with me on my credit report and showed me how my score is actually improving and a few more car payments under my belt will increase my score even more. However, today, there was nothing to do to help my present situation.
I left with tears stinging my eyes. Why, Lord, did you send me over here then? I don't understand. It seemed like such a waste of time.
However, there were a few things that John said to me that stuck with me and I do believe that this is what the Lord wanted to tell me today. He told me that I am heading in a good direction and I am close to pulling myself out of my hole. He said that by the end of the year, things will turn around. He also told me that there are many good things happening with my credit, so my overall financial picture is really very promising.
OK. I should have had my expectations to be "expect the worst, hope for the best" but I hung onto the "hope for the best part" and did not prepare myself for the "expect the worst" part. I had a lot of drive-time today, which meant I had a lot of time to talk out loud to the Lord and sort it out. The tears dried up quickly when I realized that the Lord was giving me a glimpse of the "Big Picture" and I was feeling stuck in the "little picture". The big picture is that the decisions I make today will affect my tomorrow. However, the Bible says I am not to worry about tomorrow, because today has enough trouble of it's own.
Don't I know it.
I have one more week til payday. My Mom is going to pay me "in gas" to pick-up my Dad in Lindstrom tomorrow. This will get me through the rest of the week. My checkbook can sit idle.
I was also feeling sad, and a bit sorry for myself, because I had some silver coins that I was going to take in and get appraised. One of the things I have been reading in the books by Mary Hunt, and some other places, is that when your life is cluttered, get rid of things that do not bring joy and beauty or function to your life. These coins were a gift from my ex-fiance' and every time I looked at them in my jewelry box, I felt a little prick in my heart. Then I learned from some phone calls that I made, that they were worth more than their face value so I figured if I sold them to a coin dealer, I would get some cash to help get me through the next week.
The coins have disappeared. I thought that one of my children took them from my purse, even though I put them in a lesser known pocket, in an envelope, to minimize the chance of their discovery. I told them last night that they were missing and I needed them returned. BB insisted he knew nothing about them. I have a hard time believing him and sometimes he protests loudly and then later on will confess. I did not let the boys play on the computer and this made BB really mad. It became a huge power struggle with him. But I realized that with the pressure I had applied to him, if he knew anything about the coins, he would have given them up because he would not have withstood losing his computer time. I continued to search. I wracked my brain for places where I may have lost them, should my purse have dumped out. But they are gone. I checked my desk drawers at work.
My gut is telling me that I put them in my desk drawer at work and they were stolen. There has been a lot of thievery going on. I should have known better. I could have locked them up in my med cabinet.
So, with the urging to go to the bank and then the loss of these coins that I figured was close to $50 weighing on me, I felt like I had just hit the lowest point. I had also searched high and low for a savings bond but I can't find that either. It was so frustrating. I came back to the question, "Why?"
Why have these things gone missing now, at this point, when I need them so much? Why did I drive across town to the credit union to gain nothing but a pat on the back and a "hang in there"?
TRUST.
I have nothing to put my trust in but the Lord. It has all been stripped away. This is my lesson. I am to lean in and rely on the Lord. I have my work to do. I have to sort out my debts and build my plan for repaying them. I have to tighten my belt and live very frugally, probably for the rest of the summer and into October, is my best estimate. I have to apologize to some people whom I have hurt and I have to rebuild trust with them. I have nobody to rely on. No one to rescue me but the Lord. No human being is going to come to my aid right now because I believe the Lord is holding them back in order to teach me a lesson in TRUST.
Tonight, I am sitting here at my computer realizing that I have food in my cupboards, enough to get us through. I have a quarter of a tank of gas in my tank which will get me to Lindstrom. My Mom has said she will pay me in gas but I don't know what that means at this point, so all I can do is trust and lean on the Lord.
As painful as it is and as miserable as things feel at times, I realize that the Lord loves me very much. If He didn't, He wouldn't bother to teach me these lessons. He could see to it that someone stepped in to bail me out but if that happened, I would not be learning and I would not be trusting. He really loves me. And with Him, nothing is impossible. I will survive.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
What I am learning
1. It's hard to be the grown up. But it will always be worth it to be an example to my children.
2. I have had unexpected blessings from unexpected places at unexpected times.
3. Someone told me that I am their hero. I was moved and don't quite know how to handle that.
4. It is OK to stand your ground when you know it is right and it is for the best interest of your client. And when it is for the best interest of another person, that is more important than being right.
5. Sometimes, you have to use your credentials. That's why I got them. If I were a superhero, my credentials would be my cape...they identify me and put weight upon my opinion. "I am a Nurse...(better still)...I am a Bachelor degreed nurse and a public health nurse, (thank you very much)...now about my client who is decompensating and exhibiting signs of increasing psychosis and paranoia. It is not dehydration any longer. That has cleared up but he still refuses to drive his car because he believes his elderly parents are trying to kill him in order to cash out his life insurance policy. He may only tell you that he won't go to work because his legs hurt from standing but I see him every week, sometimes twice a week and this is not his baseline paranoia..." (*the triage nurse DID talk to the psychiatrist who then DID decide to increase one of his meds. I say Praise the LORD!!) And I tucked my cape back in and went back to work.
6. I am a good advocate for my clients. I am learning how to be a good advocate for myself.
7. It's OK to ask for help or to accept help when it is offered.
8. But sometimes, you have to face the music because it is part of becoming a grown-up.
9. I still have a lot of growing up to do, even at age 37.
10. Actions speak louder than words, but sometimes words and inaction can be really hurtful.
11. Trust that is broken has to be earned and it is hard.
12. Forgive myself.
13. A wise woman, also known to me as Mom, told me that I should focus on what I CAN do and not what I can't...I am taking that further and realizing that I need to look at what I have done, not what I haven't done and also to note the small steps I am making towards powerful change in my life.
14. Put a key Bible verse on a note card and use it as a bookmark. Recite it throughout the day and when I feel discouraged. More times than I can count, this has filled me with peace.
15. It's OK to cry. Crying gets the sad out. (Thank you Sesame Street and Jen!).
16. From a book by Mary Hunt (Debt-proof Living) "When you are living on the edge, the first thing to do is take a step back."
2. I have had unexpected blessings from unexpected places at unexpected times.
3. Someone told me that I am their hero. I was moved and don't quite know how to handle that.
4. It is OK to stand your ground when you know it is right and it is for the best interest of your client. And when it is for the best interest of another person, that is more important than being right.
5. Sometimes, you have to use your credentials. That's why I got them. If I were a superhero, my credentials would be my cape...they identify me and put weight upon my opinion. "I am a Nurse...(better still)...I am a Bachelor degreed nurse and a public health nurse, (thank you very much)...now about my client who is decompensating and exhibiting signs of increasing psychosis and paranoia. It is not dehydration any longer. That has cleared up but he still refuses to drive his car because he believes his elderly parents are trying to kill him in order to cash out his life insurance policy. He may only tell you that he won't go to work because his legs hurt from standing but I see him every week, sometimes twice a week and this is not his baseline paranoia..." (*the triage nurse DID talk to the psychiatrist who then DID decide to increase one of his meds. I say Praise the LORD!!) And I tucked my cape back in and went back to work.
6. I am a good advocate for my clients. I am learning how to be a good advocate for myself.
7. It's OK to ask for help or to accept help when it is offered.
8. But sometimes, you have to face the music because it is part of becoming a grown-up.
9. I still have a lot of growing up to do, even at age 37.
10. Actions speak louder than words, but sometimes words and inaction can be really hurtful.
11. Trust that is broken has to be earned and it is hard.
12. Forgive myself.
13. A wise woman, also known to me as Mom, told me that I should focus on what I CAN do and not what I can't...I am taking that further and realizing that I need to look at what I have done, not what I haven't done and also to note the small steps I am making towards powerful change in my life.
14. Put a key Bible verse on a note card and use it as a bookmark. Recite it throughout the day and when I feel discouraged. More times than I can count, this has filled me with peace.
15. It's OK to cry. Crying gets the sad out. (Thank you Sesame Street and Jen!).
16. From a book by Mary Hunt (Debt-proof Living) "When you are living on the edge, the first thing to do is take a step back."
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Exploring Lakes in MN
My kids love to swim. They are like little fish. In fact, I have a hard time dragging them out of the water when it is time to go. But I should explain further that my kids like to swim in the pool... or in one particular lake. My kids like Forest Lake. It is lovely with a nice sandy bottom and no weeds and they can go out pretty far and the water is still fairly shallow. They feel like they are really accomplishing something when they do.
I figured I should give them a more well-rounded swimming experience so we tried a different lake this past weekend. We went to Bald Eagle Lake in White Bear Lake. I should have clued in when the beach area was only about 9 feet long by about 2 feet wide. My daughter who is part Mermaid, got in the water immediately but then said, "WHAT are all these white things floating in the water?"
That is algae.
BB asked if there were going to be leeches. I explained there are not leeches just swimming around...they like to stay in mud and grassy areas (or on the end of fishing lines...).
Pretty soon, the boys were having a great time, kicking and splashing away and asking me to throw them into the water. Peanut is enjoying his new found confidence and skills (with a little help of the "floaty suit") and is swimming around me. Princess was just standing, with her nose all wrinkled up. She tried to swim around for a while but when she kept finding squishy bottom instead of sand, the fun just left her. And she decided to get out of the water. I did get a little alarmed when I noticed that BB's eyes were getting redder and redder as he rubbed them after going under the water.
Princess looked inside her swimsuit and noted that she had algae all over her. This did not create good feelings toward the lake. I told her that when we got home, everyone would need to shower and we would throw all the suits in the wash. She was so disappointed because she did not get to swim very long, so we decided to go back to the pool (after rinsing off what lake gunk we could).
When we got home, everyone hit the shower. Princess took the longest shower she has ever taken in her life. I chuckled as I heard her singing through several choruses of "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes...". Peanut was even funnier in that we had spent no less than 2 1/2 hours in the water between the lake and the pool and instead of a shower, he asked if he could take a bubble bath. He will probably sprout fins and gills by the end of the summer, I suspect.
I figured I should give them a more well-rounded swimming experience so we tried a different lake this past weekend. We went to Bald Eagle Lake in White Bear Lake. I should have clued in when the beach area was only about 9 feet long by about 2 feet wide. My daughter who is part Mermaid, got in the water immediately but then said, "WHAT are all these white things floating in the water?"
That is algae.
BB asked if there were going to be leeches. I explained there are not leeches just swimming around...they like to stay in mud and grassy areas (or on the end of fishing lines...).
Pretty soon, the boys were having a great time, kicking and splashing away and asking me to throw them into the water. Peanut is enjoying his new found confidence and skills (with a little help of the "floaty suit") and is swimming around me. Princess was just standing, with her nose all wrinkled up. She tried to swim around for a while but when she kept finding squishy bottom instead of sand, the fun just left her. And she decided to get out of the water. I did get a little alarmed when I noticed that BB's eyes were getting redder and redder as he rubbed them after going under the water.
Princess looked inside her swimsuit and noted that she had algae all over her. This did not create good feelings toward the lake. I told her that when we got home, everyone would need to shower and we would throw all the suits in the wash. She was so disappointed because she did not get to swim very long, so we decided to go back to the pool (after rinsing off what lake gunk we could).
When we got home, everyone hit the shower. Princess took the longest shower she has ever taken in her life. I chuckled as I heard her singing through several choruses of "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes...". Peanut was even funnier in that we had spent no less than 2 1/2 hours in the water between the lake and the pool and instead of a shower, he asked if he could take a bubble bath. He will probably sprout fins and gills by the end of the summer, I suspect.
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