Tuesday's Random Things

In my struggles with BB and his frustrating (read: aggravating, tiring, excruciatingly painful and incomprehensible) behaviors of the last several months, I have been trying a new strategy. I have figured out that he is trying (really, REALLY hard) to push my buttons. He is trying to start a fight. He is trying to find an excuse to throw a fit, do some damage and cause me pain. I don't know why. He won't tell me. He only says that he doesn't have to tell me and that if he did, I would hate him.

My words have been basically ineffective and non-productive. Futile.

Thus, I have decided to change my strategy. He wants a fight but I am giving him love. He wants to aggravate me, so I am giving him patience. He wants to give me reasons to shout at him and get all ugly so he has a reason to shout back. Maybe in some way, this would give him the release he is seeking. But it isn't healthy, nor is it appropriate. I also figure it is my job to stay at least one step ahead of him.

So, he argues with me and I just become more calm and more matter-of-fact. BB, I know you don't like it, but this is how it is. You will go to school every day. You will go to bed on time. You can choose to sleep in your nice, warm bed or to sleep on the floor covered in lego's and your dirty, stinky socks but you will be in your room and the lights will be out at 9:15pm.

"Oh no I won't."

To this, I simply walk away. Less words.

"I didn't hear what you said."

You did. You just didn't like them. I'm not going to repeat myself.

He has looked downright baffled. So, he tries to change the game and flops on the floor, refusing to get up.

Oh, BB, it's time for bed. You look like you need a hug a kiss. Would you like me to walk you to your room and over to your ladder so you can climb into bed?

He grunts, "Nu-ohhh."

But as I put my arms around him and nuzzle his neck and tell him I love him, he melts into my shoulder. So, I squeeze him a little, kiss him on the head and say, "Good Night."

Baffled. He stays on the floor, I believe just for spite, or to see what I will do. But when I ignore him and go about my business, he gives up and goes to bed.

Hmmm.

This morning, when I woke him up, he actually smiled. He didn't grunt or tell me to go away. He smiled at me. He laughed when I tickled him. Then he asked me if I would give him his clothes so that he could get dressed in his bed before coming down the ladder. I about fell off the chair I was standing on.

He had his ugly moments yesterday. He still argues with me and tries to act all tough and like he doesn't care. But when I am firm, yet calm and kind, he grows tired of being oppositional and he cooperated.

I'm exhausted. It's hard work being so in control of myself. I feel myself getting so angry at times but I think I will put that picture of him this morning with his sweet smile greeting me in my head and remember that the big picture here is finding a way to penetrate the angry heart, the distrust and show him that no matter what, Mom is in his corner but also Mom is the authority and in charge. I think it was a commercial that had the line, "Never let them see you sweat." I save the sweating for later, when the kids aren't around.

I am trying hard to put my faith in Christ, to lean on Him and let Him give me the strength I do no possess and the energy I need to continue doing the hard things I am doing right now. Physically, I am parenting alone. But I need to remember, that I am not alone. The Lord is with me.

Peanut was really cute this morning. I had to wake him up too. Normally, he opens his eyes the minute I walk in the room. This morning, he got the tickle monster. He was laughing and I told him that I have the most handsome boys in all the world.

He asked, "But what if I had only one eye and looked like this?" and he scrunched up his face real funny.

Even if you had only one eye, one ear, no teeth ...you would still be handsome to me and I would still love you. No matter what.

He just grinned.

Princess had a bad day yesterday. She said she was late to several classes, had trouble with her gym locker, brought the wrong notebook to one class, didn't bring her reading book to another class. Then she was trying to finish up a project and realized that she could not find the grading sheet. She just fell apart. So, we went to our room to talk about it and brainstorm about how she could make her day better tomorrow.

She told me she was so embarrassed in class when she forgot her reading book because her Language Arts teacher is so strict and told everyone in the class that she forgot her book. This was the very class with the project due and now she was worried that if she asked the teacher for another grading sheet, she would be humiliated again. We talked it through and I suggested to her that she approach her teacher first thing and explain what happened and also say that she knows that organization is a problem for her but she is working on it and will be more careful next time.

Then she told me about some of her issues with having so many things to carry to each class but feeling like it was too much. So, I asked her what would help her feel less burdened and more organized. So, we decided that a shelf for her locker would help her keep her binders organized and a pencil cup for extra supplies. But she also asked if she could get a different pencil case and mentioned one she found at Target that she thinks would work better.

I love that she is beginning to really think things through. It's a lot to handle. Middle school is such a big change from elementary school. She is used to being somewhat coddled as an elementary student and now she is being held accountable. I am so glad that we talked about it and that I can help her problem solve. I can't do it for her but I can help her through it.

She called me this afternoon when she got home from school and told me that everything with her Language Arts teacher was fine. She was nice about the grading sheet and her presentation went well. She and Peanut were now out catching frogs. That's my girl!

Made it out alive

The first week of school is over. Overall, I think everything went very well. I felt very leisurely at work, strolling in at 10am every day and only working 3 out of 5 days.

There were a couple of moments that were not great. When I got home on Thursday, I was anxious to hear from Peanut how Kindergarten went. I was pulling up to the mailbox and I saw Princess approach on her bike. That's a nice welcome.

"Mommmm... you will not believe this but there is a BIG problem at home. SOMEONE. POOPED. EVERYWHERE. All over the WHOLE house."

My spirits sank. "Are you sure it wasn't one of the cats?"

"NO!! SOMEONE missed the toilet and then spread poop everywhere. It's totally gross. I think it was PH because he is the one I saw coming out of the bathroom."

"Tell your brothers to get home. RIGHT NOW."

I did not know what to expect. I have a vivid imagination so I was picturing feces spread from wall to wall and floor to ceiling. I wondered if someone was really mad and trying to tell me how upset they were. However, this would be very out of character, even for BB (He would just break a lamp or something...he wouldn't touch poop...but he would tell someone else to do it).

I won't describe it in detail because it is disgusting. But it was pretty bad but also pretty obvious that whoever the culprit was, it wasn't intentional. It was clearly a case of "Couldn't make it in time". What I still don't understand, and it is probably because I know longer think like a 7 year old, is why if he couldn't make it all the way to the toilet in the bathroom off the kitchen...he thought it would be better to then go upstairs and try for the other bathroom too, leaving a trail of excrement as he went. I could practically retrace his steps from the kitchen bathroom, up the stairs, to the upstairs bathroom and then back to his bedroom where he dropped his soiled clothing on the carpet.

I spent the better part of an hour cleaning the carpet. It was not how I envisioned spending the evening. After talking to PH about it, he did tell me that he had some trouble where "things came really fast". I think it is his medicine for Reflux that is causing him this lower GI distress. Poor kid...he's got it going from both ends. I suspect that the Prevacid he is taking for his reflux is not really doing the trick for him and we will have to go back in to the doctor for more invasive testing. My only reprieve is that he is not throwing up in the middle of the night, but he does continue to regurgitate.

So, Friday morning, BB comes up while I am getting ready for work to tell me that he has thrown up and feels like he is going to again. I looked him over and felt his skin. He did not feel warm or clammy. I figured he was trying to get out of going to school for some reason. I told him that I could not stay home (It's Friday Lunch day!!). So, he would need to go to school and tough it out. I sent him out the door to catch the bus.

However, when I left the house to head for work, he was standing in the driveway. It was just a little after 9, so I told him I would drive him to the bus stop and maybe he hadn't missed the bus. The bus and all the kids were gone. Now I am mad.

"BB, this WILL NOT happen again. It is only this week that I am here until you go to school. Starting next week, I will be leaving for work at 8am and if you miss the bus, you will have to walk."

"But I don't know the way."

"Then pay attention because I am going to show you how you will walk to school. It isn't far but if you have to walk it, it will take you a while, so you can't waste time."

I drove him to school and he sulked the whole way. There was no cheerful good-bye, just a stern warning that this was not going to happen again or he would have consequences at school and at home.

I waited all day long for the phone to ring and the school nurse to tell me that he was sick and needed to come home. However, the phone never rang. My suspicions were correct. It was a ploy...a failed ploy, mind you...to get out of going to school.

Peanut Rides the Bus

It's official. Peanut is a full-fledged Kindergartner. He got on that big, yellow bus today and even though he was instructed to do so, he did not turn around for pictures. However, he did turn and look for me and give me his special Peanut wave. I don't know if I am proud to say I didn't cry or not. I didn't. But I felt a hitch in my throat and I put my head on my Mommy's shoulder and I was really glad she was there with me.

I am anxious to hear how his day went. I am nervous and scared about how after-school is going to go too. His older siblings have been warned that they must watch out for him. I know that BB is scared of this responsibility but at the same time, I know that even though BB protests greatly about it and will deny it til his dying days, he loves his brothers and he will rise to the occasion.

My jitters will eventually ease up some. The first week of school is just as nerve wracking for me as it is for my children. In some ways, I think it is worse for me. I am thrusting them out into that big scary world of school buses, teacher's and other people's children who do not share the same values as I do. Last year, my older boys came home reciting words I refer to as "Playground talk" but in all reality, it's swearing. And then they thought it would be really funny to teach these naughty words to their 5 year old brother, who then taught them to his 4 year old playmate this summer.

I added a lecture to my parenting series called, "Honey Words and Vinegar Words: Let your words be sweet on the tongue and sweet in the ear". Slowly, the vinegar words have decreased. But Peanut, as we walked out of Meet the Teacher night last week, very innocently and sweetly, I might add, looked up at me and said, "Mommy, Did you just say 'What the F**K?'" When I scraped my jaw off the sidewalk, and my cheeks settled down to their usual rosy pink instead of Flaming Lobster Red, I said, "No...Mommy does NOT talk like that and neither should you. That is a very naughty thing to say. It's vinegar." And he replied sweetly, "OH...OK."

Is it any wonder why my knees feel weak and I tremble in fear? Or why I have been praying for protection over them each day? I am not the only influence in their lives. I pray I am the strongest and the loudest. But it is a battle. Peanut is now thrown into the ring as well.

I thought about these things as I walked back to my house, got in my van and drove to work. I didn't cry but my heart felt heavy. In many ways, school provides my children with many opportunities and experiences that I cannot provide. My daughter is learning French and she says she will be learning to play the guitar in Music Enrichment. BB, who HATES to stand up in front, says he wants to join the 4th grade choir! PH, for all of his follow-along behaviors with BB, still likes to curl up next to me and give me kisses. Peanut will love Kindergarten.

My life as a parent is changing. The Diaper Days are done. I am transitioning into Life Coach, teaching hygiene, basic living skills, how to get along with other people and how to live your life in a way that shows others you love Jesus and that Jesus is someone they want to know too. It's a big job and it suddenly feels bigger.

I was telling someone the other day that when my daughter was born, the thing I was most scared of was potty training. Looking back, I think potty training is far easier than the stuff I do now. And I laugh at myself about the things I used to worry about. I used to worry about how much they ate, how much they pooped and did they get enough sleep and would I get a nap. Now I worry about who they will talk to, what they are learning...I seldom ask them about their poop (except to be funny or to embarrass them!) and I still worry about what they eat and how much they sleep. I get an occasional nap now and then. I wish at times that I could hold them like I did when they were babies, and their sleepy heads would rest heavily on my shoulder as their bodies fell limp in my arms. They felt safe and I knew I could protect them.

A Foot in Two Worlds

That's me. Straddling the two worlds of being a parent of elementary schoolers and now a middle schooler. To say that I am not prepared would be an understatement.

Caught off guard.
Freaked out.
Scared to death.
And a resounding, "I'm not ready!!!"

But I prepared myself as best I could. I put on my brave face. My poker face, or the best one I could muster, and I fought back the tears and I did not run after to bus screaming, "Don't take my baby..." I was strong and dignified.

Yeah, right.

I went to the Parent Night. It was pretty cool. I felt it did a good job of preparing me for her Middle school experience. I was given a copy of her schedule and I went to each of her Day 1 classes, I had 4 minutes of passing time in between to get from one class to the next. I found her locker. I took notes on tidbits I thought would help her. I was slightly bemused through out the evening for several reasons. The first one was purely superficial: I was one of the youngest parents I saw (compared to being at the elementary school earlier where I felt really, really old). The second was the silliness I saw in all these old parents walking the halls, looking lost and asking each other, "When do you have Math?" "I'm going to Gym next..." "Oh, do you have So-and-So for Science?" And I remembered my first day of junior high. It did not seem all that long ago. But then I did the math. It was 25 years ago. And I was back to feeling old again.

My dear, darling daughter is the sweetest girl on the planet. But she is not very organized. So, this is my goal for her this year, to learn how to stay organized and stay on top of things. The school helps in that each student is given an "agenda" or a planner in which they write down all their assignments and important information. But that notebook does not help the child who loses things in the nest she calls her bed. She's a pack rat. She has to save every scrap of paper as if it is treasure. She can't part with a single item because it is precious.

I love that she is so sentimental and saves birthday cards, Valentines...but gum wrappers from Kindergarten? Really...come on! I realized that I was never really "taught" how to be organized. I sort of came by it naturally but there are things that I wish I had been told when I was in junior high. So, this is my mission. And it is something that she and I can connect on as well. I know that very soon, and a whole lot sooner than I want it to happen, she will pull away from me and want to go off to her friends. So I have to put anchors in her heart and in her brain that let her know that Mom is a safe person, Mom is trustworthy and has her best interests at heart, Mom is here to help.

So, I bought her 3 ring binders, one for each class except gym. I put labels on the end. She and I developed a color code to identify which classes are everyday classes (they are green), Day 1 classes are Red and Day 2 classes are Blue. I marked on her map of the school where her classes are, where her locker is. We talked about when she would have time to go to her locker and when she would not and how to plan her day.

She came home from her first day of school looking happy. I was sort of expecting her to look frazzled and upset. But I really think it helped that we had planned everything out and discussed some potential problems ahead of time. She had been inside the school once, so she had an idea about how it was laid out. She had worked her locker combination so many times, she already knew it by heart and could probably open it in her sleep, so that anxiety was gone.

I found myself going through the day thinking about where she was and what class she was in. I wondered how she was doing. Did she like her math teacher? Did she make a friend? Was she feeling scared? And then when it was time for her to come home, I was on the edge of my seat, practically jumping out of my skin in anticipation, ready to pounce on her with a boisterous, "How was your day...tell me everything...what did you like...what did you not like.."Which would have completely freaked her out. So, I held back and let her talk as she was ready. By the time dinner was on the table, she was spilling over with all the things she had to say.

I listened to her talk about her classes and practice her new french phrases and I realized, she's not a baby anymore, she is growing up. It's hard but I have to let her go. But I am here for her when she gets home.

Tomorrow, Peanut goes to Kindergarten. I can't promise I won't cry because I know I will.

Friday Lunches

At work, my unit (Adult Mental Health) decided that we would try to eat lunch together every day at noon. This has had many positive benefits for all of us.

• Developing a habit of taking a lunch break
• Building relationships with co-workers
• Relaxation
• It makes our supervisor quite pleased
• I believe it makes us all more efficient
• It gives us something to look forward to every day.

During the week, we bring our lunches and eat in the cafeteria. On Fridays, we go out to lunch. One person got the bright idea of organizing our restaurant choices alphabetically in our rotation and then the last Friday of the month is a "Wildcard" choice.

What is so funny to me, and causing me to write this down and ponder it, is how we now discuss whether a restaurant should be: 1) removed completely, 2)given one more chance or 3)moved from the "wildcard" slot and added to the regular rotation. Some of the debates have been very amusing.

The first to lose a spot in our rotation was Buffalo Wild Wings. Per our discussion, the service was too slow for our 1 hour slot. The server got almost every order wrong and the food was not that great. However, on behalf of BWW, there was a lengthy discussion about how it is a great place to go for wings when you have a lot of time and are free to drink a beer or two. I, for one, was not sad to see this one go as I am not a big fan of either chicken wings or beer.

Next up to go on the chopping block was Applebee's. The reason for this is that the Stillwater Applebee's is a test menu site and no longer offers the Santa Fe Chicken salad. That's the only reason. And I suppose since most of my co-workers chose this salad and can no longer get it, it is only fair...but I giggled during the debate about whether or not to ax it. I always get a burger and enjoy myself.

Accapulco's is on the fence. The last time we went, we were seated in the bar section and were served by the bartender. Our service was very poor and slow. The debate over Accapulco's was how we needed to consider that we had never been seated in the bar before and it was unusually busy that day and as one co-worker put it, "We can't give up free chips and salsa!" Me, I love the Chimichanga.

We pulled Culver's out of the "Wildcard" and put it in the regular rotation. And there was great rejoicing in the land of mental health.

Every Monday morning starts with the same question, "So, where is lunch this Friday?" And I will admit, I block off noon to 1pm every Friday and try to schedule my appointments accordingly.

Camping Adventures

I try to be prepared for everything. "Try" being the operative word. I make lists. I make lists for my lists. I recite my lists. I cross things off my list. I thought I was ready for camping. I had lists called "Things to Pack", "Things to Buy", "Menu" , "Things to Pick up Other Places" and "Things to Do Before Leaving".

Even with all this preparation, I forgot things; sunscreen, Neosporin, grill utensils, extra blankets. With all this preparation and planning, I did not get everything done on my "Things to Do Before Leaving" list; my dishes were piled in the sink, the livingroom looked like the aftermath of the Hugo tornado had blown through, two loads of laundry remained in baskets unfolded. Surprisingly, the cats did not lift a finger while we were gone to do any of those chores for me!

Regardless of the things I forgot and the things I did not get done, we had a great time. The weather was picture perfect. These are some of my favorite highlights:

• BB learning how to set up charcoal and manage the coals. It was cute too how frustrated he would get because he would wander off and then come back to flip the burgers but had missed the "burger flipping" window. A good lesson...If you are manning the fire, you can't leave.
• 26 children playing Flashlight tag at dusk.
• The taste of well-done S'mores, Pudgy Buddies and other things cooked over an open fire.
• The sight of the full moon, so bright you barely need a flashlight.
• The feel of a warm sleeping bag contrasted with cool, moist air in a tent.
• The smell of woodsmoke.
• Princess going on a very long hike with her friends and then coming back and looking at me, saying "I know, I know...I'm in big trouble." and then her bewildered look when I said, "No, you're not in trouble. You got lost. You kept your friends safe and you made it back. You learned a lesson and you won't let it happen again."
• Peanut cruising around on his bike and remembering how last year, he was still on training wheels and afraid to try to bike without them because he might collide with another child.
• A very lovely, baby-scented morning holding sweet baby Cameron for a long, long time.
• PH telling me that when Mr. Dan threw him in the air and into the water, he was flying.
• Watching my kids swimming like little fishes.
• Cuddling with Peanut while sitting in the lake.
• Talking with my friends and laughing so hard, my ribs hurt for days.
• Feeling "saddle sore" from riding my bike to the bathroom.
• Watching all the kids put on a show for us in the evening and being so proud of my daughter who wrote it, produced it, directed it...and really came out of her shell!
• Listening to PH narrate during the show.

What I am learning this summer...

To say that my summer has been tough would be an understatement. And I am the self-proclaimed Queen of the Understatement descended from a long line of Understaters, thereby giving legitimacy to my title. However, I can say with equal accuracy, my summer has also been richly blessed:

• I have seen the work of God in extraordinary ways.
• He has showered me with blessings from friends and creative answers to my financial difficulties.
• I have seen kittens from the day of their birth until the day I took them to the pet store to find new homes and continue to enjoy watching one kitten playing with her Mama.
• I have watched my youngest child become a swimmer and jump readily into the waves at Bunker Beach.
• I have enjoyed the laughter of my children as they play a game or make up a joke.
• True, I have been tired, very, very tired.
• I have spent many a night, parked outside the door of the boys room giving stern warnings to settle down and stop swinging from the bunk bed.
• I have confiscated Legos and grounded my children from their bikes.
• But I have also sat with them and enjoyed a movie that they looked forward to seeing.
• Together, we have read 4 of the Chronicles of Narnia books and I have discussed the allegorical components with my daughter and seen her eyes sparkle with understanding when she said, "Ohhhh, so Aslan is like Jesus..."
• I have cried myself to sleep, wondering how I am going to make ends meet only to wake up feeling refreshed and confident that while I don't know the "how", I do know there is an answer and then I have been blown away by the answers that have come.
• I have grown and stretched in ways I would not have thought possible.
• I have fallen down the stairs, in front of my children.
• One child told me my kisses don't work any more but a few weeks later, asked if he could kiss my owie for me and then asked me to kiss his owies again. (Grandpa's talk about how Mommy kisses are magic because they are full of love may have sunk in after all!).
• I have trained my kids to clear their dishes from the table so well that most of the time, they do it without me saying a word.
• My daughter remarked "We have never kept our house this clean before" which encourages me that my plan of Saturday jobs and rotating chores with consistency is working.

In many ways, I don't think I have ever had a better summer.