I started to realize over the weekend that my thoughts about my Dad have changed direction. I read the status of my cousin-in-law as she remarked on her one year anniversary. Something clicked in my brain. At the wedding of my cousin and his bride, it was the last family function that my Dad would ever attend. It would be a month before his death. From now until the anniversary date of his death, everything seems to focus around "this was the last time..."
My Mom is feeling the same way. It's a new kind of sadness. A different kind of sad. I was putting together a scrapbook page of my son (the one who is 7) on his 4th birthday. (Yes, I am THAT behind...and more because I skip around and work on what I am in the mood for.) I found a picture of him and my Dad. My heart broke again. After this, Grandpa would only celebrate two more of Peanut's birthdays. I didn't mention that in the scrapbook.
I miss him so much. This next month may be the hardest yet. I can hardly believe a year has almost passed. I still think I will see him standing on the deck or working in the garage. Sometimes, I have walked into his wood shop (now called The Studio) and smelled the sawdust and woodsy smells and it felt as if I had walked onto sacred ground.
This happens to my kids too. One day, Mom and I were sitting on the deck, enjoying a glass of water. Peanut came out and was chipper and chatty and then all of a sudden while he stood at the rail and looked out over the yard, his whole face just changed and tears welled up. He senses it too. It's hard enough for me to grieve my father. It is even harder to walk my children through it. But I do. I acknowledge what he is feeling and tell him it is alright to feel what he feels.
We are getting through it but it is hard. I know I will always miss him. But perhaps in time, it won't sting as much.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
New Job
I am not a person who really thrives on change and needs the "next thing" to get a thrill. I like things to stay the same. I don't think that is all that strange. I bet there are many who are the same way. This past year has been quite full of many changes and transitions and it has been difficult. It seemed like was just one thing after another.
I changed jobs twice. Ugh. However, I do think God has a way of working things out for the best and there is always a reason for things. I think my time working at the long term care facility taught me a lot about what my leadership style is and also showed me that I have more to learn before I am really ready for the level of responsibility required for a job of that caliber. I do not rule it out as a possibility and some sort of management/supervisory position is something I am interested when the time is right.
My new job is expanding my nursing skills. Since I started at the end of June, I have learned how to draw blood, take care of wounds, insert a catheter as well as getting very good at manual blood pressures and apical pulses. According to both my preceptor and my supervisor, I am catching on to things very quickly and am not requiring a lot of hand holding. Those are nice compliments to hear after the harsher critiques of "not meeting expectations" or "not being up to speed" and feeling overwhelmed.
Better still, I like this new job a lot. There is much to learn, much to hone but I love working on an individual level with patients again. I like being able to set my own schedule. I really like the fact that when I am done with my visits for the day, I can go home and finish. I have loved having days when I am home at 3 or 4pm. Or the days when I have been able to start at 9am. There is stress. And I am not up to speed on everything. The computer program I am learning to use is HUGE but all the people involved with running the organization smoothly are very nice about showing me how to correct things or pointing out what I missed. For example, I put together a care plan that included home health aid visits for 1 day a week, 2 days a week AND 3 days a week. Perhaps a bit of over-kill? The response was "Everyone who has started has made the same mistake. Here is how to fix it."
I love that!
So, while I struggle with living on a smaller income for the time being, I find that I am happier and more relaxed and I feel like I am in the midst of doing good work. I meet interesting people and travel to parts of the city I have never seen. I am thanking God for his wisdom and His leading. I think that one job lead to the next. A door opens and a window opens.
I changed jobs twice. Ugh. However, I do think God has a way of working things out for the best and there is always a reason for things. I think my time working at the long term care facility taught me a lot about what my leadership style is and also showed me that I have more to learn before I am really ready for the level of responsibility required for a job of that caliber. I do not rule it out as a possibility and some sort of management/supervisory position is something I am interested when the time is right.
My new job is expanding my nursing skills. Since I started at the end of June, I have learned how to draw blood, take care of wounds, insert a catheter as well as getting very good at manual blood pressures and apical pulses. According to both my preceptor and my supervisor, I am catching on to things very quickly and am not requiring a lot of hand holding. Those are nice compliments to hear after the harsher critiques of "not meeting expectations" or "not being up to speed" and feeling overwhelmed.
Better still, I like this new job a lot. There is much to learn, much to hone but I love working on an individual level with patients again. I like being able to set my own schedule. I really like the fact that when I am done with my visits for the day, I can go home and finish. I have loved having days when I am home at 3 or 4pm. Or the days when I have been able to start at 9am. There is stress. And I am not up to speed on everything. The computer program I am learning to use is HUGE but all the people involved with running the organization smoothly are very nice about showing me how to correct things or pointing out what I missed. For example, I put together a care plan that included home health aid visits for 1 day a week, 2 days a week AND 3 days a week. Perhaps a bit of over-kill? The response was "Everyone who has started has made the same mistake. Here is how to fix it."
I love that!
So, while I struggle with living on a smaller income for the time being, I find that I am happier and more relaxed and I feel like I am in the midst of doing good work. I meet interesting people and travel to parts of the city I have never seen. I am thanking God for his wisdom and His leading. I think that one job lead to the next. A door opens and a window opens.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Lessons learned from my cats
I have two sweet cats: Tiger and Clifford the Girl. They have a life that is envious at times. Maybe there is something I can learn from them.
1. If you meow, someone will feed you. Especially when you wind yourself around their legs and lead them to the kitchen.
2. It is important to take the time to sit in the window, watch the birds and the cars and enjoy the sunshine.
3. Always take time to keep yourself clean. Even if that means stopping in the middle of the hallway to lick your leg. You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
4. Tell the people in your life how you feel about them. Affection can be expressed by curling up on their lap, winding yourself around their leg or sticking your face in their face and nibbling on their ear or licking their eye.
5. Rest is important. Take the time to nap every day, especially if there is a warm spot of sunshine and a gentle breeze.
6. Alert your people to your presence and let them know they forgot you by sticking your paw under the bathroom door or pawing at the door to remind them you are there.
7. If your people forget to clean out your litter box, leave them little reminders so they are aware of the error.
1. If you meow, someone will feed you. Especially when you wind yourself around their legs and lead them to the kitchen.
2. It is important to take the time to sit in the window, watch the birds and the cars and enjoy the sunshine.
3. Always take time to keep yourself clean. Even if that means stopping in the middle of the hallway to lick your leg. You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
4. Tell the people in your life how you feel about them. Affection can be expressed by curling up on their lap, winding yourself around their leg or sticking your face in their face and nibbling on their ear or licking their eye.
5. Rest is important. Take the time to nap every day, especially if there is a warm spot of sunshine and a gentle breeze.
6. Alert your people to your presence and let them know they forgot you by sticking your paw under the bathroom door or pawing at the door to remind them you are there.
7. If your people forget to clean out your litter box, leave them little reminders so they are aware of the error.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
A day in the life of a woman
I suffer from my own form of ADHD--Attention Deficit Housework Disorder. I start in one room, with the plan to complete a task and an hour later, I realize I am in a completely different room doing a completely different task. Take today, for example, I had someone coming by to take away some of my cardboard boxes. So, I decided I would start cleaning my kitchen and doing dishes. From there, I saw a couple of dish towels that needed laundering. I gathered them up and remembered that the boys have an overflowing basket of laundry, so I went and got that, picking up assorted laundry along the way. I then headed down the stairs to start a couple loads of laundry. While there, I had a load of towels in the dryer that needed folding. I folded those and headed up to put them away. As I passed through the kitchen, I saw my sink of soapy water and the stack of cups on the counter and remembered that I was washing dishes.
It really takes a very concerted effort for me to stay on one task and not flit about from one thing to the other like a humming bird going from flower to flower, never staying long in one place. To my credit, however, I have gotten a lot of things accomplished. The dishes are washed, dried and put away. I sorted items on my counter that belong to my landlord and are needed to complete the kitchen cupboard project. I found my knives and kitchen canisters for flour, sugar, etc and put those away. I swept the dining room. I have two loads of wash going and two loads in the dryers. I have changed my linen on my bed and I am about to begin organizing the stack of papers I have been collecting every day at work. And I still need to plan out the week of chores for the kids. The bathroom floor needs washing...I have a mirror I want to hang...
It really takes a very concerted effort for me to stay on one task and not flit about from one thing to the other like a humming bird going from flower to flower, never staying long in one place. To my credit, however, I have gotten a lot of things accomplished. The dishes are washed, dried and put away. I sorted items on my counter that belong to my landlord and are needed to complete the kitchen cupboard project. I found my knives and kitchen canisters for flour, sugar, etc and put those away. I swept the dining room. I have two loads of wash going and two loads in the dryers. I have changed my linen on my bed and I am about to begin organizing the stack of papers I have been collecting every day at work. And I still need to plan out the week of chores for the kids. The bathroom floor needs washing...I have a mirror I want to hang...
Monday, June 28, 2010
Times, they are a changin'
Week 1 of my new job is done. Today, I started week 2. I really think I am going to like this job a lot. I am a Registered Nurse Case Manager for a home care company. I will learn how to draw blood, wound care as well as lots of paperwork. But there is a great deal of flexibility, setting my own schedule and opportunity to make bonuses for extra visits as well as mileage for my driving.
Sometimes, things happen in my life that I cannot explain why. And sometimes, God gives me a peek at why events unfolded like they did. A year ago, I was comfortable in my old job with the county. But I was also kind of bored. I had reached the point where I feel like I had mastered the tasks but there was no where to go, no opportunity to move ahead. But it was still security.
Then my basket was upset by being forced to find something different. The opportunity to move into long-term care provided me a great deal of new challenges. I really learned a lot about an area of nursing I had not known about. The challenge was perhaps greater than my abilities. I think I could have grown into the role but it did not work out that way. However, in my new position, the new things I learned in long term care and geriatric care are coming into play with the skill set I have. I have new things to learn but there are things I can look at now and see that if I had not worked in long-term care, I would not be familiar with what I will be learning now but in greater depth. I can see that I have an opportunity to become a stronger and more skilled nurse. I still live on faith and prayer. I took a drastic pay cut but in the end, I think I will be happier. Already the skills and knowledge I have are being appreciated and remarked on. I have much to learn but I am excited to try new things!
Sometimes, things happen in my life that I cannot explain why. And sometimes, God gives me a peek at why events unfolded like they did. A year ago, I was comfortable in my old job with the county. But I was also kind of bored. I had reached the point where I feel like I had mastered the tasks but there was no where to go, no opportunity to move ahead. But it was still security.
Then my basket was upset by being forced to find something different. The opportunity to move into long-term care provided me a great deal of new challenges. I really learned a lot about an area of nursing I had not known about. The challenge was perhaps greater than my abilities. I think I could have grown into the role but it did not work out that way. However, in my new position, the new things I learned in long term care and geriatric care are coming into play with the skill set I have. I have new things to learn but there are things I can look at now and see that if I had not worked in long-term care, I would not be familiar with what I will be learning now but in greater depth. I can see that I have an opportunity to become a stronger and more skilled nurse. I still live on faith and prayer. I took a drastic pay cut but in the end, I think I will be happier. Already the skills and knowledge I have are being appreciated and remarked on. I have much to learn but I am excited to try new things!
Monday, June 14, 2010
Well That's a Fine Howdy-do
I walked in to work today and discovered that my desk had been completely rearranged and cleaned off. I did not like that at all. Sadly, when I looked at what she had done, I did have to admit, I liked her arrangement better. However, I still felt as if I had been invaded. My desk is not always neat and tidy which is something that the Queen Bee likes. She doesn't like anything laying out. But that is her issue. My desk is my space given to me for me to do my work. It's one thing when there is a shared space such as a nursing station but in my office, at my desk, I should have the freedom to spread things out as I see fit. I have my own way of making sure I get things done. If I clear everything off my desk every day, I often forget if I had finished something. So, I leave myself a neat little stack of To Do items, usually with little notes written on a post-it, so I know where I left off.
Now she did leave me a little note on my computer explaining what she did and why. But still. And then when she came in, she sweetly talked about it and tried to make it like it was no big deal. I am kicking myself because I did not speak up and say, "You know, that really annoyed me. And while I understand that you were trying to help me out, rearranging my desk goes a little too far." Instead, I just tucked my feelings away and tried to ignore how annoyed I was.
She proceeded to tell me that she gave me a glowing evaluation after my interview on Thursday and that the company had called right after my interview. They also called today to talk about my interview but I missed the call. I wonder if that is a good sign? I will have to wait til tomorrow to find out for sure. If it is a job offer, I already know that I want the job. It sounds a lot like what I did before but with some new things in like learning how to draw blood and do more wound care.
Now she did leave me a little note on my computer explaining what she did and why. But still. And then when she came in, she sweetly talked about it and tried to make it like it was no big deal. I am kicking myself because I did not speak up and say, "You know, that really annoyed me. And while I understand that you were trying to help me out, rearranging my desk goes a little too far." Instead, I just tucked my feelings away and tried to ignore how annoyed I was.
She proceeded to tell me that she gave me a glowing evaluation after my interview on Thursday and that the company had called right after my interview. They also called today to talk about my interview but I missed the call. I wonder if that is a good sign? I will have to wait til tomorrow to find out for sure. If it is a job offer, I already know that I want the job. It sounds a lot like what I did before but with some new things in like learning how to draw blood and do more wound care.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
It just gets weirder
I feel like a pawn. And unfortunately, the pawn is always expendable.
Apparently, if I am reading the situation correctly, the Big Boss did not know that the DON (or as a friend calls her "the Queen Bee") had given me 30 day Walking Papers. When I announced my last day, he said, "Wow. Really? We need to talk about that." It took me two days to catch a moment to talk to him and when I did, I was surprised. He said that it was his understanding that I was being given a 30 day correction plan. I laid out what happened when she terminated me. It happened to be at the same time that he left the building for a week and 1/2 for the funeral and recuperation after his mother-in-law died. He told me, "Why do you say June 18th? Do you have a job lined up?" No, I do not. "We need you here." Basically, the agreement as it stands now is that I can stay at my current position while I continue to look for another job. I added that I would like the flexibility to go to interviews as they come up. Agreed.
And he said he will talk to Queen Bee about the situation. Hmmm. That could make Monday very interesting. I have not seen QB since I left for a interview on Thursday and at that time, she had not met with Big Boss yet so she was unaware of our new agreement.
I have been asked by many people if I will stay on if they were to rescind the termination. I do not think that is going to be in my best interest. There is no security. I know that QB does not want me there and I have seen her "in action" a bit to know that she could make my life very miserable if she does not get what she wants. So right now I am going to do what is good for me. It is better for me financially, obviously, because it means I will not go on unemployment or lose my insurance. However, I need security. I need to be in a job where I am trusted and my work is valued. And I need to work in a place that is upfront and values honesty. I shouldn't have to go digging for it or begging for answers.
Apparently, if I am reading the situation correctly, the Big Boss did not know that the DON (or as a friend calls her "the Queen Bee") had given me 30 day Walking Papers. When I announced my last day, he said, "Wow. Really? We need to talk about that." It took me two days to catch a moment to talk to him and when I did, I was surprised. He said that it was his understanding that I was being given a 30 day correction plan. I laid out what happened when she terminated me. It happened to be at the same time that he left the building for a week and 1/2 for the funeral and recuperation after his mother-in-law died. He told me, "Why do you say June 18th? Do you have a job lined up?" No, I do not. "We need you here." Basically, the agreement as it stands now is that I can stay at my current position while I continue to look for another job. I added that I would like the flexibility to go to interviews as they come up. Agreed.
And he said he will talk to Queen Bee about the situation. Hmmm. That could make Monday very interesting. I have not seen QB since I left for a interview on Thursday and at that time, she had not met with Big Boss yet so she was unaware of our new agreement.
I have been asked by many people if I will stay on if they were to rescind the termination. I do not think that is going to be in my best interest. There is no security. I know that QB does not want me there and I have seen her "in action" a bit to know that she could make my life very miserable if she does not get what she wants. So right now I am going to do what is good for me. It is better for me financially, obviously, because it means I will not go on unemployment or lose my insurance. However, I need security. I need to be in a job where I am trusted and my work is valued. And I need to work in a place that is upfront and values honesty. I shouldn't have to go digging for it or begging for answers.
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