Sheepishly, I will confess that I had NO CLUE about the collapse of the I35 bridge over the Mississippi that occurred last night. I can blame the fact that I do not have TV reception and thus I am out of the loop. But when I heard about it while driving in to work this morning, my heart was no less broken than had I heard the news last night or watched the live feed coming across the air waves. In some ways, I am rather glad I didn't watch the news. I have been able to digest and process the horrible tragedy at my own pace and in my own way.
I have driven over that bridge more times than I can count. And I have never once felt in danger. I imagine that people on their way home last night didn't give it a second thought either and then they hit the water. To me, as I discussed it with my fiance, it was rather a poignant illustration of living by faith. I just trust that the corp of engineers that designed this bridge and the numerous folks that have had a part in its repair, know what they are doing. And I blindly assume when I am driving down any road, I am fairly safe in terms of the asphalt or concrete beneath me, barring the phenomenon of "pot holes" and I am more wary of my cohorts driving along with me.
I was more suspicious and cautious today then I have been in a long time. I drove over several bridges and overpasses today and that thought crossed my mind more times than I care to count. IN my discussion with my fiance, New York, we discussed that life is fragile and we don't know when we are going to go. But we both feel like we have more work to do on this earth, but if the Lord called us, we would certainly go willingly and happily to heaven. I am grateful for that assurance at least as I ponder life's uncertainties.
I think what I am most humbled by today is that while this tragedy was unfolding, unbeknownst to me, I was focused upon my own pain and suffering. I will say that I have good reason to be focused on that. Today marks the 5 year anniversary of the day my marriage blew apart and my life changed completely. I was grieving last night. I was ruminating in my head about a friendship that while it is not ending, it has changed and we have moved on and out of each other's lives. I realized this when she hadn't told me until I called her a few weeks ago, that she was very pregnant with her #4. I was a little sad that I didn't get a phone call with that bit of news. And then I realized that when I got engaged a few weeks ago, I did not call her but told her in an email, to which she never replied. These are big signs that this friendship is not on the forefronts of our lives. I was saddened by the realization but at the same time, I was thankful that this friendship has seen me through some of the toughest times in my life and when I really needed a friend, she was there. And now that chapter has closed.
This frame of mind then sent me down the path of my marriage and my former spouse. I have held on to pain for a long time and have slowly let it go. Five years is a monumental milestone. I have come a long way. I have grown and changed in ways I would never have forseen. My life has a richness that it would not have had if I had not gone through the sorrow I did. What was making me the most sad was that I still have many questions that have no answers. The biggest one being "Why?". But as I let my mind and my mouth ramble and gush out all the thoughts that have been lurking, I realized that I have made it this far without answers and I can make it the rest of my life without answers to some of those questions. And some of my questions may not even be mine to ask. So, I feel more settled, albeit a little raw emotionally, and I feel like I have made peace with part of my past.
Then I hear about the bridge. I hung my head and wept. My pain, while 5 years ago was very real, very deep and I felt like I had been ripped apart, today is not so difficult. I have healed but I still have scars adn I still have aches. But there are families in Minneapolis and St. Paul that today are in very real, gut-wrenching, heart breaking pain. I needed that splash of cold water on my face.
No comments:
Post a Comment