The Aha! Moment

I'm depressed. That is my big revelation.

I was laying in bed this morning, knowing full well that as a fully matured, gainfully employed adult, I needed to get up and get going, I just kept pulling the covers over my head and hitting the snooze. Even with the kitten, Clifford the Girl, who is now Princess Nuisance, crawling all over me, demanding to be snuggled or she would attack my toes, bite my hair, push her head under my hand and into my face in a variety of attacks, or rapid succession, I still could not get myself up.

I went to bed at a decent hour. I set my alarm for 6am. Not terribly early for me anymore. I was within my usual optimum of 7 hours. So why can't I crawl out of bed and get moving?

Depression.

Yuck. Labeling it however, does ease my mind. I have been down this path before. I even know in my head that it is a normal reaction, all things considered. I am grieving my father. I am working in a new job that often leaves me feeling "over my head". I have 4 children, two of whom are struggling with school. All of them are struggling in their own way with their own sadness and loss. Peanut told Grandma that he can talk to Grandpa but Grandpa can only see him when he is outside. But God can see him when he is inside. It is cute. And it is a clue that he is struggling to make sense of why his beloved Grandpa is no longer here. I'm also taking graduate level classes. I feel over-run with clutter and daily housekeeping. Even the small tasks seem like an overwhelming burden.

This is not typical for me. But in light of a depression. It makes sense. The first step for me is to understand that this is what is going on. Doing so, I am able to give myself more grace. I don't let myself off the hook for things that need to get done. But I can recognize that the road out of depression is slow at times. The feeling of being overwhelmed and unable to do anything, is part of it.

With my past history of depression, post-partum depression with my first child, I have learned a thing or two. Take my medication daily. Don't give in to the "cover my head and tune out the world". Do something. Anything. Steady plodding. And face the feelings.

Depression is commonly misunderstood as being sadness. That is part of it. But the true root of depression is actually anger. I tell this to myself more than anything because I know that for me, part of my ability to recover and heal is to get to the root. I tend to stuff my difficult emotions. I don't have time to deal with them. It hurts too much to pay attention to them. It causes others distress if I show them. All of this boils into a pot of feeling misunderstood, uncared for by those closest to me, feeling taken for granted, with a dash (or a heap) of sadness, some "righteous" indignation and some whining ("It's not fair."). Quite a stew.

I think part of my identification that this is indeed depression is also an indicator that I am finally ready to face some of those difficult emotions swirling around in my head. The grief I have a handle on. The anger, not so much. The anger scares me. It always has. That's why I stuff it.

With that thought, I need to take a shower and get going to work, so I can stay gainfully employed.

The week past

It was a tough one in many respects. Last week marked the 6 month anniversary of my father's death. At first, I did not think it was affecting me very much. However, my reaction was delayed and I found myself on an emotional roller coaster this week. I was driving in to work and saw a red Ford pick-up. All of a sudden, the tears just started falling and the words I had been holding back came out.

I miss him so much. I was not ready to let him go. I was not ready to say good-bye. I hurt. I feel empty inside. I hate the pain. I hate seeing my Mom hurting and my sisters and my kids. I miss calling him. I miss seeing him standing on the deck at the house. I miss seeing him in the garage waving at me as I drive up or drive away. I miss seeing him in his favorite chair. Every where I turn, I am reminded of him and then reminded that he is not here.

By the time I got to work, my eyes were red and puffy. I had to talk myself through it and get myself under control. My soon-to-be boss started talking to me and then she stopped and said, "You look like you have been crying." And I told her I was having a tough day with thoughts of my Dad. I told her to continue with what she was telling me and she said, "I feel like I want to fix it for you." I told her that I was trying to get a handle on myself so distraction would be a good plan.

Two more residents are moving towards dying. The other ADON's mother is going back to her home to die. I have to face it. I have to let myself feel my feelings and allow myself to cry if that is what I need to do. It is OK.

Life as a new ADON

For those who don't know, ADON stands for Assistant Director of Nursing. That's my new title. It's a big one. And the job is big too. I learn every day just how big it is. The best way to describe how I feel is "I now know what I don't know." Every day I encounter something new. However, I like it. I do worry that I am not cutting it. Working in long term care requires being able to think and work fast. Before I took this job, I thought I was a quick learner. Right now, I feel like I am crawling along like a snail while everyone else is flying past like a cheetah. It is my perception, I am sure. And a great deal of insecurity.

After one particularly difficult day in which I had been asked to do several things I did not know how to do, and I did not do them well, I commented to the woman who is taking the place of the retiring Director of Nursing, "It hurts to grow. And I am being stretched in every direction."

I think about that a lot. I think it is probably the most accurate assessment I could make about myself and my current position. I took a job that was bigger than I had ever taken on before but even though it is big and has a lot of responsibility, I can grow into the role. I battle myself with perfectionism and wanting to do everything perfectly, the first time and when I make mistakes, I feel like I can't do it at all. It does help to remember that I am growing. I am stretching and it can be painful and it doesn't happen all at once.

I am far too hard on myself.

On a lighter note, I need to find a stapler, a bunch of rubber bands, a stash of paper clips and a highlighter. There is a stash of office supplies somewhere in the building. I have yet to find it. I have already discovered that if I give out a pen, I will not get it back. So, when I came upon a deal at Target for 144 black stick pens for $5, I bought them and I keep them in my desk. These are the ones I hand out to nursing assistants who ask for one. The ones I like to use, I keep in a different spot.

It's like a crazy game of Hide-n-Seek for grown-ups.

How we're doing...

How do I answer this question?

It depends on the day. It depends on my mood. It depends on who is asking.

This week marks 6 months since my Dad died. I have felt quite sad. I haven't cried, even though I feel like I should. I just can't seem to make the tears come. I think about him a lot. I miss him every day. Probably a day does not go by when I don't wish I could just call him on the phone and tell him something little or silly or just talk something through.

My kids are doing OK. And by OK, I mean OK. They have good days and bad days. Two of my boys are struggling in school and I think grief has a lot to do with it. BB is pulling D's and F's but his test scores are far above the district and school level. He is so smart but he just has not been turning in homework. But the jig is up and he has a teacher at school checking every day. He has me checking every day. The computer has become one of my greatest assets because he likes to spend time on it but he cannot when he has not done his homework. And if he forgets it at school, no computer either. I also talked to the school he is going to next year to see what kinds of things we can put in place for him so that this does not happen again.

Peanut is not reading real well or doing well in math. At his conference, I was told that he may need to be held back and repeat first grade. In some ways, this could be the best thing for him because he is a little immature and it might be just what he needs to get a handle on reading and math. We have 3 months to try to get his skill level up. I also called the school he will be going to next year to see if there is summer school available for him when we move. And there is. So, things are in motion for him.

On the other hand, my other two are doing well in school. Princess was on the A honor roll last semester. And now that she has done that once, she wants to do it again. But she is struggling with French. She continues to work hard. Pumpkin Head is doing great. His teacher thinks he is a sweetie and that he is really smart. He even bought himself a book with his allowance. I love that he is starting to read on his own. We will have to utilize the library a lot this summer and keep these kids in books!

My new job is going well. I feel a little nervous and overwhelmed because there is so much to learn and I have to learn it so fast. I love the residents. I am challenged every day. Sometimes I am frustrated, but more with myself because I am not up to speed. Last week was a hard week because 4 residents passed away over the course of the week. 3 of them were expected and one was a surprise. And we have entered our "window" for our Department of Health survey.

My new course for grad school is harder than my previous courses and is requiring more reading and processing than the others. My stress level is rising. I feel like I am falling behind in everything. However, I decided to combat my overwhelmed feelings by making a plan and a schedule for all the things I need to do including the laundry, the cleaning, the homework and so forth. This way I don't have to beat myself up for not getting everything done in one day.

One day at a time. One day at a time. One day at a time.