Every year at this time, my oldest son BB goes through a really rough time. It manifests itself in bad behaviors and a nasty attitude that can last for weeks. I have decided it is like a storm. I can see the clouds gathering and hear the thunder rolling but I can't tell when the storm will break but I am praying it breaks soon because I can't stand the waiting.
In some ways, this year has been the worst. For the past month, BB has been getting more and more belligerent and angry. He has been moody and sometimes very mean to everyone in our family but has directed most of his anger towards me. I have wracked my brain, trying to figure out how I can get a handle on him. I'm tired of being back-talked to and hearing his nasty remarks and rude comments and sometimes, he just does his very best to annoy everyone until they start yelling in frustration and he will continue with a wicked grin on his face. It is scary. And it is not like him to be like this, nor for so long.
It really came to a head on Wednesday this week. He was waiting his turn to go on the computer but the website he likes was not loading fast enough and suddenly, he just hit a complete meltdown and started screaming. I decided that computer time was over. The screaming got worse. At one point he was sitting in a corner by the stairs, screaming at the top of his lungs and had this wild look on his face. I took him to my room and tried to help him calm down by rubbing his back and talking softly to him. But as soon as I mentioned the computer again, he would start again with the screaming and flying off into this rage. He shoved a box of pictures down the stairs, continued to scream. Then he rushed me and tried to knock me down and began to scratch my arm.
I left him alone and read our book to the other kids. During this time, he went downstairs and broke apart my lamp and shattered a clock radio. Then he sat and watched TV for a while and only then did he calm down and relax. One of the things he said during this time was how I take everything away from him. This was my first clue.
The next night, the boys stayed up all night for another Lego party. When I got up in the morning, and saw them playing, I told them to gather all the legos and I told them the legos were now going to be gone for a while. The next morning was Saturday, and BB and PH, while the rest of us were downstairs, climbed up in my closet and got the legos down. So, when I went to confront them and take the legos back, BB flew into another rage. I figured that it was time to duke this out.
I listened to what BB was saying and gathered clues and what came out of the conversation was that BB sort of blames me for taking him away from his father. He believes that our life would be better if we were back in TX and that all our problems would go away if we moved back. I think there is a possibility that BB may think that if we were back in TX his father would not be in prison and our family would be together.
So, I followed this hunch and put my arms around my son and asked him outright if he believes that I took his father away. He looked away but sort of nodded. I looked him in the eye and said, "I think that I should tell you the story of what happened." So, I told him in terms a 9 year old can comprehend the events that lead up to our leaving TX and told him that our life in TX ended and we began a new life in MN 6 years ago. I also explained that I will not ever be everything two parents can be but I will be the best Mom I can be.
I made a decision 6 years ago that I would be honest with my kids about what happened and about what their father did. I do not want to vilify their father and bad-mouth him however, their father is not a safe person and he is not a good father. And it is my belief that he will not ever be trustworthy or safe. One day, my children will discover that on their own and I will be there to help them pick up the pieces when he breaks their hearts. Right now, my job is to protect them from him as much as possible. However, what I am realizing is that BB has this fantasy father in his head and it is now interfering with his ability to move forward. So, perhaps, the healthiest thing for me to do is to describe the true characteristics about his father and help him to come to an understanding that his father is not as perfect as he has believed.
The whole time I talked to BB, he was snuggled down deep in my arms. I think he is still thinking it through and processing it but I have noticed that the dark cloud has lifted a bit. His attitude has been better today, until bedtime when he tried to be annoying, but that could be due to being tired and testing the boundaries.
BB is my heartbreak kid. One thing I told him on Saturday, and I do hope this sticks with him, is that I fought for him, for Princess, for PH and and unborn Peanut 6 years ago. I did the hardest thing I have ever done and began walking down a road that has been extremely difficult in order to protect my children from someone who proved himself to be a dangerous person, sadly he was my husband and their father, and what I told BB is that I everything I did then and continue to do now is to protect him and his siblings. And it is my responsibility alone to raise him up to adulthood and he may not like what I do and the decisions I make, but it is all with the intent of doing what is in the best interest of each child.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Odd, Random Thoughts
When I was 16 and taking Driver's Ed, the scourge of the whole course was parallel parking. I thought then that I would NEVER use it so it was pointless to learn how to do it and then to know that if I blew it on the exam, I could fail. So, I practiced. My Dad set up two poles for me and set them on the street so I could try to make the perfect parallel park between them. I passed my driver's test, squeaked enough points out on the parallel parking to be marginal. And when I drove away with my new license, I still figured I would never use parallel parking. Then I moved to Duluth and lived on a one-way street and often had to parallel park.
While I honed my skills in Duluth, a lot of time has passed and my skills have gotten rusty. Now I work in Stillwater and there are times when I have to park on the street or downtown and I need to refresh my skills.
One day, I was attempting to parallel park my mini-van in front of the building where my client lived. I must have tried 3 times before I just gave up and found a spot I could just pull into. I didn't think much of it until my client told me, "I was really pulling for ya when you were parking out there." He saw the whole thing. I laughed it off but I grew determined to once again become a parallel master. I have had many more opportunities to try. Most unsuccessful attempts with the results of crooked, unparallel parks, hitting the curb and a narrow miss with a very, shiny and new Audi.
On Friday, ironically, I pulled up in front of the same client's apartment. On this day, I nailed it! It was so beautiful, I almost wept. I did let out an excited "YES!" and if it were possible, I would have given myself a high five. My skills are coming back. Just like riding a bike.
While I honed my skills in Duluth, a lot of time has passed and my skills have gotten rusty. Now I work in Stillwater and there are times when I have to park on the street or downtown and I need to refresh my skills.
One day, I was attempting to parallel park my mini-van in front of the building where my client lived. I must have tried 3 times before I just gave up and found a spot I could just pull into. I didn't think much of it until my client told me, "I was really pulling for ya when you were parking out there." He saw the whole thing. I laughed it off but I grew determined to once again become a parallel master. I have had many more opportunities to try. Most unsuccessful attempts with the results of crooked, unparallel parks, hitting the curb and a narrow miss with a very, shiny and new Audi.
On Friday, ironically, I pulled up in front of the same client's apartment. On this day, I nailed it! It was so beautiful, I almost wept. I did let out an excited "YES!" and if it were possible, I would have given myself a high five. My skills are coming back. Just like riding a bike.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Good News All Around
This is a week to celebrate many blessings:
1) I had a scare with my phone company bundle service when I got a bill for $400 and then a collection notice. I was pretty sure this was wrong and it seemed I was being double billed for something I had already taken care of. I gave myself the weekend to cool off and collect my thoughts. When I called on Monday, the customer service guy (CSG) did some research while he had me on the phone and could find no $400 balance and no reason for the collection. He told me it is some sort of a fluke and not to worry about it. I took his name and wrote down the date and time that I called...just in case. I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief!!
2) One week after the bottom dropped out of my career world and I thought I was going to have to rearrange everything in my life and take a position back at the mother ship, I got word from my supervisor that my job was no longer at risk and I can stay right where I am. I let out a loud "Whooo Wee" and then briskly walked to my county supervisor to tell her the news. She said, "YEah! You can do a happy dance!" And I did!
3) Peanut has conquered his fear of getting his face wet in the pool and on Monday was not only jumping from the edge of the pool but also took off his floaty suit and was doing little swimming strokes and climbing out, so he could jump again. He must have jumped 50 times, getting more and more courageous. The next day, he went to a water park with his babysitter and was swimming underwater for much longer distances than he had the night before. The other mom's thought he had been swimming for much longer. His sitter was amazed that he had only started going underwater the night before!
4) My Dad had hip replacement surgery yesterday. Everything went fine. I saw him tonight. He said he has been running a low-grade temp all day but he said he is feeling OK. He should be able to come home on Saturday. I am still praying that his recovery continues to go on the upswing and that he will be able to manage his pain well.
1) I had a scare with my phone company bundle service when I got a bill for $400 and then a collection notice. I was pretty sure this was wrong and it seemed I was being double billed for something I had already taken care of. I gave myself the weekend to cool off and collect my thoughts. When I called on Monday, the customer service guy (CSG) did some research while he had me on the phone and could find no $400 balance and no reason for the collection. He told me it is some sort of a fluke and not to worry about it. I took his name and wrote down the date and time that I called...just in case. I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief!!
2) One week after the bottom dropped out of my career world and I thought I was going to have to rearrange everything in my life and take a position back at the mother ship, I got word from my supervisor that my job was no longer at risk and I can stay right where I am. I let out a loud "Whooo Wee" and then briskly walked to my county supervisor to tell her the news. She said, "YEah! You can do a happy dance!" And I did!
3) Peanut has conquered his fear of getting his face wet in the pool and on Monday was not only jumping from the edge of the pool but also took off his floaty suit and was doing little swimming strokes and climbing out, so he could jump again. He must have jumped 50 times, getting more and more courageous. The next day, he went to a water park with his babysitter and was swimming underwater for much longer distances than he had the night before. The other mom's thought he had been swimming for much longer. His sitter was amazed that he had only started going underwater the night before!
4) My Dad had hip replacement surgery yesterday. Everything went fine. I saw him tonight. He said he has been running a low-grade temp all day but he said he is feeling OK. He should be able to come home on Saturday. I am still praying that his recovery continues to go on the upswing and that he will be able to manage his pain well.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Still on the edge
Payday arrived. But I am not out of the woods. I sat down last night and faced my checkbook, chanting to myself, "They are only numbers...they are only numbers...". It was painful. But I have gas in my tank, food on my shelf and I will pay my daycare provider and my car payment. The rest is up in the air. I don't know how I will manage the $400 deficit of things that will be automatically withdrawn from my account over the course of the next few weeks, before my next paycheck.
It is stressing me out so bad, I woke up early with my stomach in knots. I did make the decision that my highest priority is to make sure I have cash in hand for gas and that I pay cash to my childcare provider. She has already extended me great courtesy and I will not presume upon her any further.
I also tallied up the amount of fees I have incurred over the past month and half and this does explain why I am continually falling short and feeling such a pinch. I feel that I must revisit the credit union on Monday and although it is not their policy to reverse more than one overdraft per year, I have to try. If they would reverse even half of them, it would help me catch up. This would be my point...some of this problem I am having is that I did get sloppy with my checkbook and did not watch the balance, nor keep a record and I am correcting myself on that. I am forcing myself to diligently check both online and on Quicken, as well as enter transactions as they occur that day so that there are no more surprises. I am learning from my mistakes. I am switching over to cash on as many things as I can so that I do not use my debit card and thus spend money blindly, per my previous habit. I am in the process, with the help of this great book that I highly recommend called "Debt Proof Living" by Mary Hunt, of tracking where every penny goes, no matter if it is $.50 for a can of pop to the rent payment on a daily basis and then when I have done that for a month, she has another step-by-step process for determining what I am spending money on, where money is leaking out and developing a spending plan so that I can learn to be a good steward, she says "money manager" but good steward works for me.
I am realizing that I have not developed good management skills. I also have some hang-ups about money that have placed me in this position. It is one of the reasons I am going back to therapy, to sort that out and figure out why I do some really stupid, self-defeating, even risky things in many areas, not just finances. I am trying to grow up and be responsible and thus take responsibility for my actions. However, it does not mean I can't ask for help in appropriate ways. Such as going back to the credit union and seeing if there is any room to work there, if I lay out my plan and show how I am working on ending this cycle of bouncing checks. But if I don't find a way to cork it off, it's going to take a really long time and I fear I will develop an ulcer.
The other thing that woke me up early is a new issue that has come to light regarding my job and a potential change that could, theoretically, occur as soon as August 6. I am really upset about it but at this point, I have done everything I can on my end and all I can do is wait to see how things shake out.
There are a number of jobs being eliminated across the board in the Department of Human Services and State Operated Services, of which I am a state employee. My job is not on the chopping block, however, there is a nurse who is planning to retire in December whose job is being eliminated. The kicker is that the agency she contracts with would like to keep her and would like to develop a contract. However, if a contract can't be made, then she would be able to and would most likely bump me out of my position because of some sort of contractual thing that says she can because of her work site being over 35 miles from the "mother ship" and my work site is within 35 miles of her work site, however, because she is an RN senior, she would actually bump my colleague, who would then bump me out of my position and I have the option to bump a less senior nurse from a position at the "mother ship" or take a vacant position.
It all stinks. I have a great job that I have worked hard at over the last 15 months developing rapport with my clients, building relationships with providers and cohesion in my team. Not to mention that I have an awesome schedule...M-F, day hours, no weekends, no holidays and not mandatory overtime. If I have to go back to working at the Regional Treatment Center, I lose all of that. I go back to working rotating shifts between 7am-3:30pm or 3pm-11:30pm, potentially I can get "stuck" if there is a sick leave and no one who wants to come in and cover it, I would work a schedule of 7 days on, 2 days off then 3 days on and 2 days off. Ick, ick, ick. I don't mind the work. I enjoyed it when I did it but as a single mother, going back to this will be a real hardship for me. I was looking forward to my childcare costs going down to just a monthly tuition for my Kindergartner and now I will have to have childcare when I work evenings and when I work weekends.
I am also feeling very hurt because my colleague at the county called me on the phone to say that she was feeling "just sick about all of this...but you know, Tulip, if I have to bump you, I will." It felt like I was being shown the knife that would stab me in the back. It is her right to do this. She has a higher classification than me, more seniority however, I have worked in this position longer than her. And truthfully, it just outright hurt.
I needed to make a decision about what I would want "in the event" I had to bump back to the RTC. I was given a list of options, including potential positions where I could bump someone less senior out of their position, as well as two units that had vacant positions. I decided that since there were vacant positions, I could not in good conscience bump someone out of their position. If it came down to it and I had no alternative, I would but I would not be happy about it and would probably lose a lot of sleep over it. But in this case, I feel like I made a decision that will rest my conscience and will not stir up any more bad blood than there already is. However, because there is so much potential shifting around, there is still the possibility that I would have to bump someone. But I will cross that bridge when I get to it.
My supervisor is working on this contract for the woman who is retiring and hopefully, he will be able to get it put together in time and none of this shifting around in my part of the world will have to happen. That is my prayer. And I have to sit tight for a couple more weeks to see how things fall together. I think for my own mental health, I am going to try to let it rest there. I have so much other stuff on my mind that I don't need to add more to the mix, nor make the ulcer I have brewing grow any bigger.
It is stressing me out so bad, I woke up early with my stomach in knots. I did make the decision that my highest priority is to make sure I have cash in hand for gas and that I pay cash to my childcare provider. She has already extended me great courtesy and I will not presume upon her any further.
I also tallied up the amount of fees I have incurred over the past month and half and this does explain why I am continually falling short and feeling such a pinch. I feel that I must revisit the credit union on Monday and although it is not their policy to reverse more than one overdraft per year, I have to try. If they would reverse even half of them, it would help me catch up. This would be my point...some of this problem I am having is that I did get sloppy with my checkbook and did not watch the balance, nor keep a record and I am correcting myself on that. I am forcing myself to diligently check both online and on Quicken, as well as enter transactions as they occur that day so that there are no more surprises. I am learning from my mistakes. I am switching over to cash on as many things as I can so that I do not use my debit card and thus spend money blindly, per my previous habit. I am in the process, with the help of this great book that I highly recommend called "Debt Proof Living" by Mary Hunt, of tracking where every penny goes, no matter if it is $.50 for a can of pop to the rent payment on a daily basis and then when I have done that for a month, she has another step-by-step process for determining what I am spending money on, where money is leaking out and developing a spending plan so that I can learn to be a good steward, she says "money manager" but good steward works for me.
I am realizing that I have not developed good management skills. I also have some hang-ups about money that have placed me in this position. It is one of the reasons I am going back to therapy, to sort that out and figure out why I do some really stupid, self-defeating, even risky things in many areas, not just finances. I am trying to grow up and be responsible and thus take responsibility for my actions. However, it does not mean I can't ask for help in appropriate ways. Such as going back to the credit union and seeing if there is any room to work there, if I lay out my plan and show how I am working on ending this cycle of bouncing checks. But if I don't find a way to cork it off, it's going to take a really long time and I fear I will develop an ulcer.
The other thing that woke me up early is a new issue that has come to light regarding my job and a potential change that could, theoretically, occur as soon as August 6. I am really upset about it but at this point, I have done everything I can on my end and all I can do is wait to see how things shake out.
There are a number of jobs being eliminated across the board in the Department of Human Services and State Operated Services, of which I am a state employee. My job is not on the chopping block, however, there is a nurse who is planning to retire in December whose job is being eliminated. The kicker is that the agency she contracts with would like to keep her and would like to develop a contract. However, if a contract can't be made, then she would be able to and would most likely bump me out of my position because of some sort of contractual thing that says she can because of her work site being over 35 miles from the "mother ship" and my work site is within 35 miles of her work site, however, because she is an RN senior, she would actually bump my colleague, who would then bump me out of my position and I have the option to bump a less senior nurse from a position at the "mother ship" or take a vacant position.
It all stinks. I have a great job that I have worked hard at over the last 15 months developing rapport with my clients, building relationships with providers and cohesion in my team. Not to mention that I have an awesome schedule...M-F, day hours, no weekends, no holidays and not mandatory overtime. If I have to go back to working at the Regional Treatment Center, I lose all of that. I go back to working rotating shifts between 7am-3:30pm or 3pm-11:30pm, potentially I can get "stuck" if there is a sick leave and no one who wants to come in and cover it, I would work a schedule of 7 days on, 2 days off then 3 days on and 2 days off. Ick, ick, ick. I don't mind the work. I enjoyed it when I did it but as a single mother, going back to this will be a real hardship for me. I was looking forward to my childcare costs going down to just a monthly tuition for my Kindergartner and now I will have to have childcare when I work evenings and when I work weekends.
I am also feeling very hurt because my colleague at the county called me on the phone to say that she was feeling "just sick about all of this...but you know, Tulip, if I have to bump you, I will." It felt like I was being shown the knife that would stab me in the back. It is her right to do this. She has a higher classification than me, more seniority however, I have worked in this position longer than her. And truthfully, it just outright hurt.
I needed to make a decision about what I would want "in the event" I had to bump back to the RTC. I was given a list of options, including potential positions where I could bump someone less senior out of their position, as well as two units that had vacant positions. I decided that since there were vacant positions, I could not in good conscience bump someone out of their position. If it came down to it and I had no alternative, I would but I would not be happy about it and would probably lose a lot of sleep over it. But in this case, I feel like I made a decision that will rest my conscience and will not stir up any more bad blood than there already is. However, because there is so much potential shifting around, there is still the possibility that I would have to bump someone. But I will cross that bridge when I get to it.
My supervisor is working on this contract for the woman who is retiring and hopefully, he will be able to get it put together in time and none of this shifting around in my part of the world will have to happen. That is my prayer. And I have to sit tight for a couple more weeks to see how things fall together. I think for my own mental health, I am going to try to let it rest there. I have so much other stuff on my mind that I don't need to add more to the mix, nor make the ulcer I have brewing grow any bigger.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Blessed
In my economic crisis, I wondered almost daily how I would come up with money for gas. It's very humbling when you realize that your children have more money than you do and then to have to ask them to loan you their cash so you can get to work the rest of the week. I cried the rest of the day after I asked my two oldest children for the cash they had, which I added to the $5 I got from selling books to Half Price Books...giving me a total of $20. With gas prices, this was not much but it would get me to work a day or two more and each day was another day closer to payday.
Uncomfortable is another word I use frequently. And something that is below "humbling". I feel as if everything I have relied upon is being stripped away and there is nothing for me to rely upon except the Lord and the creative inspiration He gives me.
On Sunday, I had a conversation with a friend about what my days are like. I mentioned how long they are and she commented how I must use my crock pot a lot. I mentioned that I left it behind at the other house so I was really feeling the loss of it right now, as it would be very handy.
She watched my kids for an hour on Tuesday when I went to my first therapy appointment. When I got there, she pointed to a box and told me to take it. It was a brand new crock pot...and not a basic one either. It's fancy. Far beyond what I would have ever bought for myself and I know that I would not have replaced my crock pot for a long time. I was stunned. When I drove away, I just burst into tears. I wanted to say, "Lord, it's too much...stop." But really what my soul cried out for was "More...more." and not the kind of monetary blessings or a rescue from my financial situation but these little reminders that show me that He is watching me, He is listening to me and He knows what my needs are.
Well, I didn't take the box out of my trunk until yesterday. I was excited to make something in my crock. I opened up the box and started to pull it out. Down at the bottom of the box, my friend had slipped in a plastic bag with $18. I just about fell over. Because here I was, a day away from pay day, my gas tank practically on fumes again and now I had enough to get me to work and back and make it to Friday. I am blessed.
Everything that is happening to me is showing me that I am heading in the right direction and that I am making the right decisions but I have some tough days ahead of me. I have consequences to face and that never feels good and God knows what I need and He will provide but He expects me to obey. He will show me the way. I just need to trust Him and keep trusting Him. And most of all, don't quit now. It's going to get harder before it gets better but it's going to get better.
Uncomfortable is another word I use frequently. And something that is below "humbling". I feel as if everything I have relied upon is being stripped away and there is nothing for me to rely upon except the Lord and the creative inspiration He gives me.
On Sunday, I had a conversation with a friend about what my days are like. I mentioned how long they are and she commented how I must use my crock pot a lot. I mentioned that I left it behind at the other house so I was really feeling the loss of it right now, as it would be very handy.
She watched my kids for an hour on Tuesday when I went to my first therapy appointment. When I got there, she pointed to a box and told me to take it. It was a brand new crock pot...and not a basic one either. It's fancy. Far beyond what I would have ever bought for myself and I know that I would not have replaced my crock pot for a long time. I was stunned. When I drove away, I just burst into tears. I wanted to say, "Lord, it's too much...stop." But really what my soul cried out for was "More...more." and not the kind of monetary blessings or a rescue from my financial situation but these little reminders that show me that He is watching me, He is listening to me and He knows what my needs are.
Well, I didn't take the box out of my trunk until yesterday. I was excited to make something in my crock. I opened up the box and started to pull it out. Down at the bottom of the box, my friend had slipped in a plastic bag with $18. I just about fell over. Because here I was, a day away from pay day, my gas tank practically on fumes again and now I had enough to get me to work and back and make it to Friday. I am blessed.
Everything that is happening to me is showing me that I am heading in the right direction and that I am making the right decisions but I have some tough days ahead of me. I have consequences to face and that never feels good and God knows what I need and He will provide but He expects me to obey. He will show me the way. I just need to trust Him and keep trusting Him. And most of all, don't quit now. It's going to get harder before it gets better but it's going to get better.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Why?
Today, I felt strongly led to drive to my bank and talk to a bank officer about some issues I am having with my checking account. They are my own fault...part of my "paying the piper" issue and pulling myself out of the mess I have made by being careless. I really did not want to go. It was very far out of my way, because I use a credit union. I didn't think there was anything anyone could do. But the compulsion feeling stayed with me and stuck like a knot in my gut. So, I spent my morning at work getting things accomplished; paperwork, paperwork, paperwork so that I could take my lunch hour to go to the credit union and then finish the afternoon with in the field appointments.
I wrote out my ideas about what I wanted to discuss. The manager was very friendly, very nice and did not demean me in any way. This has been my experience with every person I have ever worked with at the credit union and one of the top reasons I will stay with them. But there was nothing he could really do. He pulled my credit, with my permission and went over a few things with me on my credit report and showed me how my score is actually improving and a few more car payments under my belt will increase my score even more. However, today, there was nothing to do to help my present situation.
I left with tears stinging my eyes. Why, Lord, did you send me over here then? I don't understand. It seemed like such a waste of time.
However, there were a few things that John said to me that stuck with me and I do believe that this is what the Lord wanted to tell me today. He told me that I am heading in a good direction and I am close to pulling myself out of my hole. He said that by the end of the year, things will turn around. He also told me that there are many good things happening with my credit, so my overall financial picture is really very promising.
OK. I should have had my expectations to be "expect the worst, hope for the best" but I hung onto the "hope for the best part" and did not prepare myself for the "expect the worst" part. I had a lot of drive-time today, which meant I had a lot of time to talk out loud to the Lord and sort it out. The tears dried up quickly when I realized that the Lord was giving me a glimpse of the "Big Picture" and I was feeling stuck in the "little picture". The big picture is that the decisions I make today will affect my tomorrow. However, the Bible says I am not to worry about tomorrow, because today has enough trouble of it's own.
Don't I know it.
I have one more week til payday. My Mom is going to pay me "in gas" to pick-up my Dad in Lindstrom tomorrow. This will get me through the rest of the week. My checkbook can sit idle.
I was also feeling sad, and a bit sorry for myself, because I had some silver coins that I was going to take in and get appraised. One of the things I have been reading in the books by Mary Hunt, and some other places, is that when your life is cluttered, get rid of things that do not bring joy and beauty or function to your life. These coins were a gift from my ex-fiance' and every time I looked at them in my jewelry box, I felt a little prick in my heart. Then I learned from some phone calls that I made, that they were worth more than their face value so I figured if I sold them to a coin dealer, I would get some cash to help get me through the next week.
The coins have disappeared. I thought that one of my children took them from my purse, even though I put them in a lesser known pocket, in an envelope, to minimize the chance of their discovery. I told them last night that they were missing and I needed them returned. BB insisted he knew nothing about them. I have a hard time believing him and sometimes he protests loudly and then later on will confess. I did not let the boys play on the computer and this made BB really mad. It became a huge power struggle with him. But I realized that with the pressure I had applied to him, if he knew anything about the coins, he would have given them up because he would not have withstood losing his computer time. I continued to search. I wracked my brain for places where I may have lost them, should my purse have dumped out. But they are gone. I checked my desk drawers at work.
My gut is telling me that I put them in my desk drawer at work and they were stolen. There has been a lot of thievery going on. I should have known better. I could have locked them up in my med cabinet.
So, with the urging to go to the bank and then the loss of these coins that I figured was close to $50 weighing on me, I felt like I had just hit the lowest point. I had also searched high and low for a savings bond but I can't find that either. It was so frustrating. I came back to the question, "Why?"
Why have these things gone missing now, at this point, when I need them so much? Why did I drive across town to the credit union to gain nothing but a pat on the back and a "hang in there"?
TRUST.
I have nothing to put my trust in but the Lord. It has all been stripped away. This is my lesson. I am to lean in and rely on the Lord. I have my work to do. I have to sort out my debts and build my plan for repaying them. I have to tighten my belt and live very frugally, probably for the rest of the summer and into October, is my best estimate. I have to apologize to some people whom I have hurt and I have to rebuild trust with them. I have nobody to rely on. No one to rescue me but the Lord. No human being is going to come to my aid right now because I believe the Lord is holding them back in order to teach me a lesson in TRUST.
Tonight, I am sitting here at my computer realizing that I have food in my cupboards, enough to get us through. I have a quarter of a tank of gas in my tank which will get me to Lindstrom. My Mom has said she will pay me in gas but I don't know what that means at this point, so all I can do is trust and lean on the Lord.
As painful as it is and as miserable as things feel at times, I realize that the Lord loves me very much. If He didn't, He wouldn't bother to teach me these lessons. He could see to it that someone stepped in to bail me out but if that happened, I would not be learning and I would not be trusting. He really loves me. And with Him, nothing is impossible. I will survive.
I wrote out my ideas about what I wanted to discuss. The manager was very friendly, very nice and did not demean me in any way. This has been my experience with every person I have ever worked with at the credit union and one of the top reasons I will stay with them. But there was nothing he could really do. He pulled my credit, with my permission and went over a few things with me on my credit report and showed me how my score is actually improving and a few more car payments under my belt will increase my score even more. However, today, there was nothing to do to help my present situation.
I left with tears stinging my eyes. Why, Lord, did you send me over here then? I don't understand. It seemed like such a waste of time.
However, there were a few things that John said to me that stuck with me and I do believe that this is what the Lord wanted to tell me today. He told me that I am heading in a good direction and I am close to pulling myself out of my hole. He said that by the end of the year, things will turn around. He also told me that there are many good things happening with my credit, so my overall financial picture is really very promising.
OK. I should have had my expectations to be "expect the worst, hope for the best" but I hung onto the "hope for the best part" and did not prepare myself for the "expect the worst" part. I had a lot of drive-time today, which meant I had a lot of time to talk out loud to the Lord and sort it out. The tears dried up quickly when I realized that the Lord was giving me a glimpse of the "Big Picture" and I was feeling stuck in the "little picture". The big picture is that the decisions I make today will affect my tomorrow. However, the Bible says I am not to worry about tomorrow, because today has enough trouble of it's own.
Don't I know it.
I have one more week til payday. My Mom is going to pay me "in gas" to pick-up my Dad in Lindstrom tomorrow. This will get me through the rest of the week. My checkbook can sit idle.
I was also feeling sad, and a bit sorry for myself, because I had some silver coins that I was going to take in and get appraised. One of the things I have been reading in the books by Mary Hunt, and some other places, is that when your life is cluttered, get rid of things that do not bring joy and beauty or function to your life. These coins were a gift from my ex-fiance' and every time I looked at them in my jewelry box, I felt a little prick in my heart. Then I learned from some phone calls that I made, that they were worth more than their face value so I figured if I sold them to a coin dealer, I would get some cash to help get me through the next week.
The coins have disappeared. I thought that one of my children took them from my purse, even though I put them in a lesser known pocket, in an envelope, to minimize the chance of their discovery. I told them last night that they were missing and I needed them returned. BB insisted he knew nothing about them. I have a hard time believing him and sometimes he protests loudly and then later on will confess. I did not let the boys play on the computer and this made BB really mad. It became a huge power struggle with him. But I realized that with the pressure I had applied to him, if he knew anything about the coins, he would have given them up because he would not have withstood losing his computer time. I continued to search. I wracked my brain for places where I may have lost them, should my purse have dumped out. But they are gone. I checked my desk drawers at work.
My gut is telling me that I put them in my desk drawer at work and they were stolen. There has been a lot of thievery going on. I should have known better. I could have locked them up in my med cabinet.
So, with the urging to go to the bank and then the loss of these coins that I figured was close to $50 weighing on me, I felt like I had just hit the lowest point. I had also searched high and low for a savings bond but I can't find that either. It was so frustrating. I came back to the question, "Why?"
Why have these things gone missing now, at this point, when I need them so much? Why did I drive across town to the credit union to gain nothing but a pat on the back and a "hang in there"?
TRUST.
I have nothing to put my trust in but the Lord. It has all been stripped away. This is my lesson. I am to lean in and rely on the Lord. I have my work to do. I have to sort out my debts and build my plan for repaying them. I have to tighten my belt and live very frugally, probably for the rest of the summer and into October, is my best estimate. I have to apologize to some people whom I have hurt and I have to rebuild trust with them. I have nobody to rely on. No one to rescue me but the Lord. No human being is going to come to my aid right now because I believe the Lord is holding them back in order to teach me a lesson in TRUST.
Tonight, I am sitting here at my computer realizing that I have food in my cupboards, enough to get us through. I have a quarter of a tank of gas in my tank which will get me to Lindstrom. My Mom has said she will pay me in gas but I don't know what that means at this point, so all I can do is trust and lean on the Lord.
As painful as it is and as miserable as things feel at times, I realize that the Lord loves me very much. If He didn't, He wouldn't bother to teach me these lessons. He could see to it that someone stepped in to bail me out but if that happened, I would not be learning and I would not be trusting. He really loves me. And with Him, nothing is impossible. I will survive.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
What I am learning
1. It's hard to be the grown up. But it will always be worth it to be an example to my children.
2. I have had unexpected blessings from unexpected places at unexpected times.
3. Someone told me that I am their hero. I was moved and don't quite know how to handle that.
4. It is OK to stand your ground when you know it is right and it is for the best interest of your client. And when it is for the best interest of another person, that is more important than being right.
5. Sometimes, you have to use your credentials. That's why I got them. If I were a superhero, my credentials would be my cape...they identify me and put weight upon my opinion. "I am a Nurse...(better still)...I am a Bachelor degreed nurse and a public health nurse, (thank you very much)...now about my client who is decompensating and exhibiting signs of increasing psychosis and paranoia. It is not dehydration any longer. That has cleared up but he still refuses to drive his car because he believes his elderly parents are trying to kill him in order to cash out his life insurance policy. He may only tell you that he won't go to work because his legs hurt from standing but I see him every week, sometimes twice a week and this is not his baseline paranoia..." (*the triage nurse DID talk to the psychiatrist who then DID decide to increase one of his meds. I say Praise the LORD!!) And I tucked my cape back in and went back to work.
6. I am a good advocate for my clients. I am learning how to be a good advocate for myself.
7. It's OK to ask for help or to accept help when it is offered.
8. But sometimes, you have to face the music because it is part of becoming a grown-up.
9. I still have a lot of growing up to do, even at age 37.
10. Actions speak louder than words, but sometimes words and inaction can be really hurtful.
11. Trust that is broken has to be earned and it is hard.
12. Forgive myself.
13. A wise woman, also known to me as Mom, told me that I should focus on what I CAN do and not what I can't...I am taking that further and realizing that I need to look at what I have done, not what I haven't done and also to note the small steps I am making towards powerful change in my life.
14. Put a key Bible verse on a note card and use it as a bookmark. Recite it throughout the day and when I feel discouraged. More times than I can count, this has filled me with peace.
15. It's OK to cry. Crying gets the sad out. (Thank you Sesame Street and Jen!).
16. From a book by Mary Hunt (Debt-proof Living) "When you are living on the edge, the first thing to do is take a step back."
2. I have had unexpected blessings from unexpected places at unexpected times.
3. Someone told me that I am their hero. I was moved and don't quite know how to handle that.
4. It is OK to stand your ground when you know it is right and it is for the best interest of your client. And when it is for the best interest of another person, that is more important than being right.
5. Sometimes, you have to use your credentials. That's why I got them. If I were a superhero, my credentials would be my cape...they identify me and put weight upon my opinion. "I am a Nurse...(better still)...I am a Bachelor degreed nurse and a public health nurse, (thank you very much)...now about my client who is decompensating and exhibiting signs of increasing psychosis and paranoia. It is not dehydration any longer. That has cleared up but he still refuses to drive his car because he believes his elderly parents are trying to kill him in order to cash out his life insurance policy. He may only tell you that he won't go to work because his legs hurt from standing but I see him every week, sometimes twice a week and this is not his baseline paranoia..." (*the triage nurse DID talk to the psychiatrist who then DID decide to increase one of his meds. I say Praise the LORD!!) And I tucked my cape back in and went back to work.
6. I am a good advocate for my clients. I am learning how to be a good advocate for myself.
7. It's OK to ask for help or to accept help when it is offered.
8. But sometimes, you have to face the music because it is part of becoming a grown-up.
9. I still have a lot of growing up to do, even at age 37.
10. Actions speak louder than words, but sometimes words and inaction can be really hurtful.
11. Trust that is broken has to be earned and it is hard.
12. Forgive myself.
13. A wise woman, also known to me as Mom, told me that I should focus on what I CAN do and not what I can't...I am taking that further and realizing that I need to look at what I have done, not what I haven't done and also to note the small steps I am making towards powerful change in my life.
14. Put a key Bible verse on a note card and use it as a bookmark. Recite it throughout the day and when I feel discouraged. More times than I can count, this has filled me with peace.
15. It's OK to cry. Crying gets the sad out. (Thank you Sesame Street and Jen!).
16. From a book by Mary Hunt (Debt-proof Living) "When you are living on the edge, the first thing to do is take a step back."
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Exploring Lakes in MN
My kids love to swim. They are like little fish. In fact, I have a hard time dragging them out of the water when it is time to go. But I should explain further that my kids like to swim in the pool... or in one particular lake. My kids like Forest Lake. It is lovely with a nice sandy bottom and no weeds and they can go out pretty far and the water is still fairly shallow. They feel like they are really accomplishing something when they do.
I figured I should give them a more well-rounded swimming experience so we tried a different lake this past weekend. We went to Bald Eagle Lake in White Bear Lake. I should have clued in when the beach area was only about 9 feet long by about 2 feet wide. My daughter who is part Mermaid, got in the water immediately but then said, "WHAT are all these white things floating in the water?"
That is algae.
BB asked if there were going to be leeches. I explained there are not leeches just swimming around...they like to stay in mud and grassy areas (or on the end of fishing lines...).
Pretty soon, the boys were having a great time, kicking and splashing away and asking me to throw them into the water. Peanut is enjoying his new found confidence and skills (with a little help of the "floaty suit") and is swimming around me. Princess was just standing, with her nose all wrinkled up. She tried to swim around for a while but when she kept finding squishy bottom instead of sand, the fun just left her. And she decided to get out of the water. I did get a little alarmed when I noticed that BB's eyes were getting redder and redder as he rubbed them after going under the water.
Princess looked inside her swimsuit and noted that she had algae all over her. This did not create good feelings toward the lake. I told her that when we got home, everyone would need to shower and we would throw all the suits in the wash. She was so disappointed because she did not get to swim very long, so we decided to go back to the pool (after rinsing off what lake gunk we could).
When we got home, everyone hit the shower. Princess took the longest shower she has ever taken in her life. I chuckled as I heard her singing through several choruses of "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes...". Peanut was even funnier in that we had spent no less than 2 1/2 hours in the water between the lake and the pool and instead of a shower, he asked if he could take a bubble bath. He will probably sprout fins and gills by the end of the summer, I suspect.
I figured I should give them a more well-rounded swimming experience so we tried a different lake this past weekend. We went to Bald Eagle Lake in White Bear Lake. I should have clued in when the beach area was only about 9 feet long by about 2 feet wide. My daughter who is part Mermaid, got in the water immediately but then said, "WHAT are all these white things floating in the water?"
That is algae.
BB asked if there were going to be leeches. I explained there are not leeches just swimming around...they like to stay in mud and grassy areas (or on the end of fishing lines...).
Pretty soon, the boys were having a great time, kicking and splashing away and asking me to throw them into the water. Peanut is enjoying his new found confidence and skills (with a little help of the "floaty suit") and is swimming around me. Princess was just standing, with her nose all wrinkled up. She tried to swim around for a while but when she kept finding squishy bottom instead of sand, the fun just left her. And she decided to get out of the water. I did get a little alarmed when I noticed that BB's eyes were getting redder and redder as he rubbed them after going under the water.
Princess looked inside her swimsuit and noted that she had algae all over her. This did not create good feelings toward the lake. I told her that when we got home, everyone would need to shower and we would throw all the suits in the wash. She was so disappointed because she did not get to swim very long, so we decided to go back to the pool (after rinsing off what lake gunk we could).
When we got home, everyone hit the shower. Princess took the longest shower she has ever taken in her life. I chuckled as I heard her singing through several choruses of "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes...". Peanut was even funnier in that we had spent no less than 2 1/2 hours in the water between the lake and the pool and instead of a shower, he asked if he could take a bubble bath. He will probably sprout fins and gills by the end of the summer, I suspect.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Saturday
I did a lot of little projects today that have made me quite pleased. Sometimes, I think I need to have some accomplishments in order to prove to myself that I am indeed moving forward. So, I did some things that I have been meaning to do or been thinking about doing for some time but I have put off because of any of a hundred excuses.
My first project of the day was to repair a screen. This was not a put off project. This was one that needed to be dealt with ASAP. My little boys sliced the screen and then climbed out onto the roof in order to rescue a stuffed animal because they couldn't wait the 20 minutes it would be until I got back home. BB was the one who sliced the screen but the other two climbed through it, so I figure that makes them all guilty, and thus they would all pay for it. It's a good thing I have been giving them an allowance because they have some money and can feel this right away. BB was arguing with me that he would rather work it off than pay for it outright. He didn't want to part with any of his dollars but I told him depending on the cost, he would do both. I didn't have a clue how much a screen would cost. The other boys did not have much money left from their allowance but they also did not actually do the cutting so I figured they would pay what they had and it was fair. I had to do some explaining and reexplaining to PH at Home Depot when I gave his money to BB instead of the cashier...he insisted that the change BB got back from his $10 bill should then be divided. I got out a pen and paper and did the math. Tough but valuable lessons.
Then I put the screen on and BB did some appropriate cutting of the screen and put it back in the window. I think BB's stress level went down because he had been complaining that we should have taken care of this on Thursday (when PH had more money, I suspect). But once it was done and he still had some cash left over and was able to buy himself something, he was pretty happy.
I have some friends who have offered me a large TV and at some point, we will make arrangements to bring it over and get it set up. However, I have my other TV that is still fully functional, if you have a remote or a pencil with a good eraser. So, I decided that I would move this one upstairs to my loft area but in order to hook up the satellite, I need to move the bookcase. So, I decided that I would prepare for this eventual acquisition and I moved this 9 foot tall bookcase. It's not so bad if you take all the books off of it and take the shelves out and sort of walk it. I have done it before. What amazed me was that once I had moved it and put all the books back on, the loft area just opened up so much and I really like it. Plus, my kids actually sat down by the book shelf and proceeded to look at books for a long time, even commenting how they need to put them back. I was speechless.
In the throws of this victory, I decided to conquer another hefty task. I have a huge mirror that is to hang over my dresser. It has been in the garage because I didn't think I could carry it by myself, let alone hang it by myself. I decided I would try and get it as far as I could. I managed to get the thing up the stairs and hung on the wall. Its so heavy that I am using two hangers to hold it. Apparently, I did not get them real even so the mirror is slightly off but I have decided that I can live with the 1/2" discrepancy. BB surprised me again by cleaning the mirror for me.
Apparently, I wore myself out. We have begun reading CS Lewis's Chronicles of Narnia Book 1 The Magician's Nephew. The kids were squirrely and starting to fight a lot so I started reading earlier than usual. We got in to the book so much that we only had 1/2 a chapter to go til the end of the book but my eyes and my voice couldn't take it any longer. So, my daughter said she would read. I fell asleep. She thought this was absolutely hilarious.
My first project of the day was to repair a screen. This was not a put off project. This was one that needed to be dealt with ASAP. My little boys sliced the screen and then climbed out onto the roof in order to rescue a stuffed animal because they couldn't wait the 20 minutes it would be until I got back home. BB was the one who sliced the screen but the other two climbed through it, so I figure that makes them all guilty, and thus they would all pay for it. It's a good thing I have been giving them an allowance because they have some money and can feel this right away. BB was arguing with me that he would rather work it off than pay for it outright. He didn't want to part with any of his dollars but I told him depending on the cost, he would do both. I didn't have a clue how much a screen would cost. The other boys did not have much money left from their allowance but they also did not actually do the cutting so I figured they would pay what they had and it was fair. I had to do some explaining and reexplaining to PH at Home Depot when I gave his money to BB instead of the cashier...he insisted that the change BB got back from his $10 bill should then be divided. I got out a pen and paper and did the math. Tough but valuable lessons.
Then I put the screen on and BB did some appropriate cutting of the screen and put it back in the window. I think BB's stress level went down because he had been complaining that we should have taken care of this on Thursday (when PH had more money, I suspect). But once it was done and he still had some cash left over and was able to buy himself something, he was pretty happy.
I have some friends who have offered me a large TV and at some point, we will make arrangements to bring it over and get it set up. However, I have my other TV that is still fully functional, if you have a remote or a pencil with a good eraser. So, I decided that I would move this one upstairs to my loft area but in order to hook up the satellite, I need to move the bookcase. So, I decided that I would prepare for this eventual acquisition and I moved this 9 foot tall bookcase. It's not so bad if you take all the books off of it and take the shelves out and sort of walk it. I have done it before. What amazed me was that once I had moved it and put all the books back on, the loft area just opened up so much and I really like it. Plus, my kids actually sat down by the book shelf and proceeded to look at books for a long time, even commenting how they need to put them back. I was speechless.
In the throws of this victory, I decided to conquer another hefty task. I have a huge mirror that is to hang over my dresser. It has been in the garage because I didn't think I could carry it by myself, let alone hang it by myself. I decided I would try and get it as far as I could. I managed to get the thing up the stairs and hung on the wall. Its so heavy that I am using two hangers to hold it. Apparently, I did not get them real even so the mirror is slightly off but I have decided that I can live with the 1/2" discrepancy. BB surprised me again by cleaning the mirror for me.
Apparently, I wore myself out. We have begun reading CS Lewis's Chronicles of Narnia Book 1 The Magician's Nephew. The kids were squirrely and starting to fight a lot so I started reading earlier than usual. We got in to the book so much that we only had 1/2 a chapter to go til the end of the book but my eyes and my voice couldn't take it any longer. So, my daughter said she would read. I fell asleep. She thought this was absolutely hilarious.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
My epiphany
I don't know if I have mentioned how very often my drive time in the morning and through out the day, between appointments, is my best prayer time. I have no distractions but the road before me and have all the difficulties and situations I am encountering swirling through my head. No one can hear me and now with the invention of the Blue Tooth...I don't even look all that weird if I am talking out loud...I could be on the phone. And in a sense, I am in communication without wires...to my Creator and Heavenly Father. Very often, these quiet moments are when I am able to tune out the distractions in my life and the Lord is able to speak to me and grab my attention.
Today was one such day. I have been struggling for a very long time. I would venture to guess, about 6 years, since my marriage fell apart and I learned of the child abuse and began to recognize my own abuse. I have, in these past 6 years, repeated a very unhealthy pattern of behavior. The summer seems to be a very critical time for this pattern to erupt but there have been other occurrences at other times during the calendar year. I panic and begin to shut down emotionally. In this state, I grow more disorganized with my checkbook, careless with my affections and I sort of check out of parenting and kind of revert to this very childish set of behaviors. I have landed myself into many precarious positions and each time I repeat the pattern, the consequences have been even more severe.
I am writing about it now because I am trying to break this cycle and confront this pattern and identify the root cause of it all so that I don't have to keep repeating it. I had a very powerful, and painful, epiphany this morning while I drove in to work. I have gotten a lot of mileage out of being a "special victim". Part of me hates being the victim, hates having been traumatized, hates the damage that has been done but then there is this part of me that has also latched on to the attention this special status has given me.
I worked through a lot of layers, slice by slice, to the point that by the time I reached work, I felt raw and very tired. But also, I felt a burden begin to lift because I think I may have figured something out. I am going to try to write it out and see if I can get it out of the nebulous mess in my head in to some sort of cohesive, somewhat logical train of thought that I can continue to munch on and think about and then hopefully begin to put to rest.
My pastor has been talking about forgiveness. I understand the concept. It is something I have determined from the very beginning to bestow upon my ex-husband because I do not want to become bitter and live in a state of hostile anger. My children need a fully functioning, content and even happy parent who is not tied down with all this other negative junk. what I liked about what my pastor has been teaching about is how he has further cemented in my head what I have been thinking about. He says that forgiveness is not for the offender. It is not something that they ask for and then are granted, although they may seek it. It is something that the Offended person grants so that she (me) can move forward with her life and not be tied down with anger and bitterness. Bingo!! My thoughts exactly! But actually, I believe that is the Biblical model of forgiveness. Furthermore, he went on to explain last week, that forgiveness does not mean that the Offender "gets off the hook". It 's not a "get out of jail free" card. By forgiving a person, you are not saying that they are not guilty and thus do not require to serve out some sort of justice. Ultimately, justice belongs to the Lord. He determines what is just. However, we do have a legal system that doles out justice as well. I prayed long and hard over it and decided that I was going to be content with whatever the judge determined was just. I was prepared for my husband to get probation or to go to prison. It does not mean that I was not shocked when he was given a 40 year sentence. I grieved it and then accepted it.
So, that is the background. I have forgiven my ex-husband. I still have to decide to forgive him sometimes because I get reminders of how far his crime and his sin has reached us and is still affecting us today but I do continue to forgive. So, why then do I continue to cycle through this pattern of self-destructive behaviors like financial sabotage, choosing dangerous/abusive men and repeating abusive relationships and why to I continue to spin myself into a depression or depressive state where I just want to jump off this crazy planet because I have made things so hard and difficult and I begin to loathe myself so much and then begin to transfer that self-loathing and project it onto others and feel that they must surely be sick of me as well. Why do they put up with me at all? I am certainly sick of me and can barely stand to be inside my own body or brain so others must feel the same way...and I spin down further, quit caring until I get myself into such a mess that I want to reach out and get bailed out of trouble.
This is that Special Victim status. I create the chaos to re-enact the victim role and begin to look for a savior, a rescuer. Usually, a man. And the two men I have dated since my divorce, both seem to like being rescuers and like having a woman who seems to need them so desperately. But then once I pull myself up and out of trouble and begin to stand strong again, these men realize that I am not passive or pliable and their abusive nature takes over and they begin to try and exert power and control over the relationship and me in order to restore that helplessness and reliance upon them.
It's really kind of sick. It is really scary. But I do see it as a good sign that this time, I have allowed myself to admit that a) there is a problem b) something needs to change c) I need to instigate that change, no matter how painful nor how long it takes and d) I need to seek some professional help in order to do so because I cannot do this alone. So, I have made an appointment with a therapist that I saw 6 years ago. I have contacted a financial counseling ministry. I have tightened my financial belt quite a bit and am going to "pay the piper" even though it hurts and it is scary.
I still haven't gotten to my real Epiphany. As I sorted all of this out, I kept asking myself "Why do you do this, Tulip?" and then "What is your secondary gain?". Dangerous questions. Deep down, I long to be loved but my fear is that I am unlovable and eventually, I will be rejected. At least as a Special Victim, I had an excuse for some bad behavior. I had a reason to exist. I am the Mother of an Abused Child...Don't you know what I have gone through? Don't you see what this has done to me? ...and in a sense, doesn't that then take me off the hook for some things?
But I have some people in my life, my Mom, my sisters and my Grandmother, who do love me on that deep down level, as ugly as I think it is down there and they are not letting me claim that Special Victim status. They love me so much that they are not going to let me continue to throw myself into this pit that I keep digging. But they are not going to send down a ladder. Maybe some rope, to make my own ladder...but I have to do the work.
Even further under this, I kept digging down. I realized that I have freely forgiven my ex-husband. I have freely forgiven these ex-boyfriends for the pain they have caused me, either intentional or otherwise. I have forgiven countless others who have come into my life and have hurt me, whether they meant to or not. I have let it go. But there is one person I have been unable to forgive. Myself. Deep down, I blame myself for what happened to my daughter. I have let myself hold on to this guilt that if I had made a different decision back in 1992, when I found out that my then boyfriend, soon-to-be husband, had molested his sister and attempted to molest her friend...If I had decided to walk away then and there, none of this would have happened. In a sense, I believed that it was all my fault because I had been faced with a choice to continue dating him or to walk away and I chose to continue the relationship, to fall in love with him, to marry him a year later and then to bear 4 children by him.
WHOA. This hit me very hard. Was it entirely my fault? Was it wrong for me to follow my heart, to believe him when he said he was a christian and that this molestation was behind him and because he had Jesus, it was done. He was saved.
So, this morning, I took that guilt and shame and began to turn it around. I did have a choice. And I chose to love him. I chose to give him a chance when several others before me had walked away. I chose to believe him and to trust him and to put faith in him that when we had children, they would be safe in his care. That was my duty, my obligation and my choice. I fulfilled it. But he had a choice in there too. He made choices along the way to hide his temptations regarding our daughter. He led a secret life. He molested her for 3 years and hid it from me. I didn't "miss" any signs because there were no signs. He was very good at hiding it. He never counted on her telling me about it. We both made choices and those choices had consequences. My choice led me to this place where I am now, as painful as things may be in my life may be, how could I possibly want to go back to a day in 1992, when I learned of his secret and then make a different choice because if I had, I would have no Princess...no BB...no PH...no Peanut. For those 4 reasons, I made the best choice. I forgive myself for holding on to the blame, the shame and the guilt, for letting that eat away at me for so long that I have developed a pattern of self-destruction and sabotage in order to make myself into the monster that I believed I was deep down. I am letting go of that. It's time to break free from that pain and guilt. I am forgiven. I am free.
Today was one such day. I have been struggling for a very long time. I would venture to guess, about 6 years, since my marriage fell apart and I learned of the child abuse and began to recognize my own abuse. I have, in these past 6 years, repeated a very unhealthy pattern of behavior. The summer seems to be a very critical time for this pattern to erupt but there have been other occurrences at other times during the calendar year. I panic and begin to shut down emotionally. In this state, I grow more disorganized with my checkbook, careless with my affections and I sort of check out of parenting and kind of revert to this very childish set of behaviors. I have landed myself into many precarious positions and each time I repeat the pattern, the consequences have been even more severe.
I am writing about it now because I am trying to break this cycle and confront this pattern and identify the root cause of it all so that I don't have to keep repeating it. I had a very powerful, and painful, epiphany this morning while I drove in to work. I have gotten a lot of mileage out of being a "special victim". Part of me hates being the victim, hates having been traumatized, hates the damage that has been done but then there is this part of me that has also latched on to the attention this special status has given me.
I worked through a lot of layers, slice by slice, to the point that by the time I reached work, I felt raw and very tired. But also, I felt a burden begin to lift because I think I may have figured something out. I am going to try to write it out and see if I can get it out of the nebulous mess in my head in to some sort of cohesive, somewhat logical train of thought that I can continue to munch on and think about and then hopefully begin to put to rest.
My pastor has been talking about forgiveness. I understand the concept. It is something I have determined from the very beginning to bestow upon my ex-husband because I do not want to become bitter and live in a state of hostile anger. My children need a fully functioning, content and even happy parent who is not tied down with all this other negative junk. what I liked about what my pastor has been teaching about is how he has further cemented in my head what I have been thinking about. He says that forgiveness is not for the offender. It is not something that they ask for and then are granted, although they may seek it. It is something that the Offended person grants so that she (me) can move forward with her life and not be tied down with anger and bitterness. Bingo!! My thoughts exactly! But actually, I believe that is the Biblical model of forgiveness. Furthermore, he went on to explain last week, that forgiveness does not mean that the Offender "gets off the hook". It 's not a "get out of jail free" card. By forgiving a person, you are not saying that they are not guilty and thus do not require to serve out some sort of justice. Ultimately, justice belongs to the Lord. He determines what is just. However, we do have a legal system that doles out justice as well. I prayed long and hard over it and decided that I was going to be content with whatever the judge determined was just. I was prepared for my husband to get probation or to go to prison. It does not mean that I was not shocked when he was given a 40 year sentence. I grieved it and then accepted it.
So, that is the background. I have forgiven my ex-husband. I still have to decide to forgive him sometimes because I get reminders of how far his crime and his sin has reached us and is still affecting us today but I do continue to forgive. So, why then do I continue to cycle through this pattern of self-destructive behaviors like financial sabotage, choosing dangerous/abusive men and repeating abusive relationships and why to I continue to spin myself into a depression or depressive state where I just want to jump off this crazy planet because I have made things so hard and difficult and I begin to loathe myself so much and then begin to transfer that self-loathing and project it onto others and feel that they must surely be sick of me as well. Why do they put up with me at all? I am certainly sick of me and can barely stand to be inside my own body or brain so others must feel the same way...and I spin down further, quit caring until I get myself into such a mess that I want to reach out and get bailed out of trouble.
This is that Special Victim status. I create the chaos to re-enact the victim role and begin to look for a savior, a rescuer. Usually, a man. And the two men I have dated since my divorce, both seem to like being rescuers and like having a woman who seems to need them so desperately. But then once I pull myself up and out of trouble and begin to stand strong again, these men realize that I am not passive or pliable and their abusive nature takes over and they begin to try and exert power and control over the relationship and me in order to restore that helplessness and reliance upon them.
It's really kind of sick. It is really scary. But I do see it as a good sign that this time, I have allowed myself to admit that a) there is a problem b) something needs to change c) I need to instigate that change, no matter how painful nor how long it takes and d) I need to seek some professional help in order to do so because I cannot do this alone. So, I have made an appointment with a therapist that I saw 6 years ago. I have contacted a financial counseling ministry. I have tightened my financial belt quite a bit and am going to "pay the piper" even though it hurts and it is scary.
I still haven't gotten to my real Epiphany. As I sorted all of this out, I kept asking myself "Why do you do this, Tulip?" and then "What is your secondary gain?". Dangerous questions. Deep down, I long to be loved but my fear is that I am unlovable and eventually, I will be rejected. At least as a Special Victim, I had an excuse for some bad behavior. I had a reason to exist. I am the Mother of an Abused Child...Don't you know what I have gone through? Don't you see what this has done to me? ...and in a sense, doesn't that then take me off the hook for some things?
But I have some people in my life, my Mom, my sisters and my Grandmother, who do love me on that deep down level, as ugly as I think it is down there and they are not letting me claim that Special Victim status. They love me so much that they are not going to let me continue to throw myself into this pit that I keep digging. But they are not going to send down a ladder. Maybe some rope, to make my own ladder...but I have to do the work.
Even further under this, I kept digging down. I realized that I have freely forgiven my ex-husband. I have freely forgiven these ex-boyfriends for the pain they have caused me, either intentional or otherwise. I have forgiven countless others who have come into my life and have hurt me, whether they meant to or not. I have let it go. But there is one person I have been unable to forgive. Myself. Deep down, I blame myself for what happened to my daughter. I have let myself hold on to this guilt that if I had made a different decision back in 1992, when I found out that my then boyfriend, soon-to-be husband, had molested his sister and attempted to molest her friend...If I had decided to walk away then and there, none of this would have happened. In a sense, I believed that it was all my fault because I had been faced with a choice to continue dating him or to walk away and I chose to continue the relationship, to fall in love with him, to marry him a year later and then to bear 4 children by him.
WHOA. This hit me very hard. Was it entirely my fault? Was it wrong for me to follow my heart, to believe him when he said he was a christian and that this molestation was behind him and because he had Jesus, it was done. He was saved.
So, this morning, I took that guilt and shame and began to turn it around. I did have a choice. And I chose to love him. I chose to give him a chance when several others before me had walked away. I chose to believe him and to trust him and to put faith in him that when we had children, they would be safe in his care. That was my duty, my obligation and my choice. I fulfilled it. But he had a choice in there too. He made choices along the way to hide his temptations regarding our daughter. He led a secret life. He molested her for 3 years and hid it from me. I didn't "miss" any signs because there were no signs. He was very good at hiding it. He never counted on her telling me about it. We both made choices and those choices had consequences. My choice led me to this place where I am now, as painful as things may be in my life may be, how could I possibly want to go back to a day in 1992, when I learned of his secret and then make a different choice because if I had, I would have no Princess...no BB...no PH...no Peanut. For those 4 reasons, I made the best choice. I forgive myself for holding on to the blame, the shame and the guilt, for letting that eat away at me for so long that I have developed a pattern of self-destruction and sabotage in order to make myself into the monster that I believed I was deep down. I am letting go of that. It's time to break free from that pain and guilt. I am forgiven. I am free.
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