I feel like Eyeore

I mentioned before that August is a bad month for me. And this has been one of the toughest ones I have had in a long time. My kids, however, have done beautifully. And for that I am grateful. I am the one who feels like I am falling apart.

I have been so tired; physically and mentally. I just can't seem to get enough sleep. I have been feeling that way all summer, actually. I can find no reason to explain it. I get enough sleep. I seem to sleep well when I go to bed. Nothing has changed in that area. I just find it harder and harder to wake up in the morning. It finally did dawn on me a week or so ago. Depression.

My black cloud.

I thought I had it under control. I take an antidepressant every day. I have for about 12 years, since I developed severe post-partum depression. I have tried to take myself off of it a few times and know that when I do, it's bad for everyone because I get irritable, moody and tired. Life is just no fun. So, I decided that like my thyroid medicine, it is something I will take lifelong.

Things have just slipped downhill to the point where I cannot fix it alone. Thankfully, I do have several people in my life who are aware and watch for me. They see the signs and call me out. I kind of blew it off at first but I tucked the warning away in a corner where it could whisper to me, getting louder until I had to listen.

My breaking point found me driving to work, crying over a silly comment a friend made on my Facebook page. I know it was meant in fun but I blew it out of proportion in my head and felt hurt, then angry, followed by sadness and tears. It hit me that I was being completely irrational. I had to talk it out in order to hear it. When I heard the words come out of my mouth, I heard how irrational it was and then I could talk myself through that and get over it.

I called and got myself into my doctor. I called and set up therapy. I talked to my Mom. I know I am getting myself back on track but I still feel like I am dragging my black cloud around with me. I still feel tired. I did find out from my visit with my dentist and my doctor that I had an infected tooth that required a root canal. I got that taken care of. I also learned that I am deficient in Vitamin D which could be contributing to my increased depression. A simple supplement could take care of that, along with the bump in my antidepressant. I also learned that this crazy problem I have been having with pain in my thumb is actually something, and not just my imagination. So I have a splint to wear in order to rest my thumb and get the swelling down around the nerve because it may be a repetitive stress injury.

I fight every day to get up. I fight every day to keep myself on track financially but I struggle with feeling both apathetic and hopeless that I cannot ever manage my banking right, so why bother. I continue to feel gloomy and irritable. It does seem better, but it is very slow.

The Un-iversary

August is one month I do not look forward to for many reasons. It marks the imminent end of summer. It is usually the hottest month and I find myself suffering under the heat and humid. It also marks the anniversary of my flight from Texas, 7 years ago and then a year later to the week, my divorce after 10 years of marriage.

I thought I was doing fine this year. I was very busy in July and knew that this time was coming. I figured that awareness was the bulk of my battle. So, I was surprised last week when I found myself falling apart. I was crying over the smallest thing. I found myself oversensitive, irritable and irrational.

I guess that awareness did not prevent the emotions from rising to the surface. I did do some things differently this year however. Instead of shutting myself out and hiding from the world, I reached out to friends. And many friends reached back out to me with love and support.

So, maybe every year, I will continue to remember that Un-iversary. It slowly feels less and less painful but I think of it like a scar; I always know it's there and sometimes the old wounds ache. But I am so thankful that I have family and friends who love me and surround me, especially in those times when that scar is throbbing.

Back from vacation

What happened to July? I think I blinked twice and missed it and find myself in August.

Actually, we did a lot of fun things in July and time went by really fast. We took a family vacation, the first in several years...and the first in which no one was in diapers, pull-ups or requiring every 3-4 hour feedings. We were invited to go to Conference Point Center in Williams Point, Wisconsin on beautiful Lake Geneva for a week-long family camp. We had a truly amazing time. Rather than regale you with every little detail I thought I would share with you some of the funniest quotes from our trip:

BB who truly is a great reader but some words are new and tricky to pronounce on the first try noted that we were now passing by "Ewwww Claire and Chip-a-wee-ah Falls"

We stopped for lunch in Madison, WI at a farm where our friend's sister and her family live. It was beautiful. BB commented, "I smell cows. I know they are here somewhere."

[I should mention that he LOVES cows. He is not too fond of any other furry creature and tolerates our two feline pets but thinks cows are cool. ]

Upon discovering the cows, he remarks, "I have now seen cows up close. This is the best part of the trip."

But we haven't even gotten to camp yet, BB...

"I know. But I have seen cows and this is it. It's all I need."

As the children, who numbered 8 at this point, studied the cows, the grown-ups conversed and the subject of the cows gender came up. Chris's sister stated that all of these are steer. Nina then asked, "What is the difference between a bull and a steer?"

I said, thinking carefully because there are lots of little ears around, "Well...they are all boy cows who cannot make baby cows."

Peanut commented, "Don't the cows know that they have bugs on them?"
Mom--"Yes, but they can't really do anything about it."
BB--"That is because they don't have opposable thumbs."

Later as we pulled into camp and our feet had not even left the van, the kids exclaimed, "This is the best place ever...when we come back next year..."

At lunch one day, the kids were playing with these accordion fans and next thing I knew we were talking in Japanese accents and saying, "Perhaps you are hot...Don't make me fan you..." and then we were doing karate moves with the fans as well. It might be a moment of "You had to be there."

While on a boat ride and trolling through a very swanky marina looking at yachts, the driver noted there was a large Northern swimming below. BB and PH looked over the side and watched it. PH, resting his chin on his arm, said wistfully, "I would like to be a fish."

BB, while walking around the camp with me commented, "I think I would like to be a cow. You can walk around and poop where ever you want. You can blow snot out your nose and lick it with your tongue and no one cares. Yup, I think being a cow would be a good thing."

"Mom, lets take the short cut to our cabin." Ha!! It wound up being a tour around the windy path of the point with some steep, muddy slopes, rocks and finally a steep climb up to our cabin that took about 20 minutes. Whereas had we cut across camp, it would have taken us 5.

"We're the Gospel Fuzzies, Yeah."

While bowling, I will note that the kids had bumpers up and I did not but I still hold my title as the Gutterball Queen, the kids were laughing at my feeble attempts to bowl...I had also been playing volleyball all week and had injured my elbow...

I said, "Well, I am playing poorly so that you can all feel good about yourselves." To which my daughter looked at me, raised up an eyebrow and burst out laughing.

Good times. Good memories and we will go back next year.