The day of reckoning for dear daughter's room happened this past weekend. She went away for the weekend to spend time with Grandma (Painter). This left me free to attack her room without the bothersome "need somewhere to sleep" issue.

At the end of the weekend, I had collected 4 bags of trash, washed 5 loads of laundry (Yes, all from her room), folded sorted, organized, vacuumed and arranged her room. It looks pretty cute! I was so excited for her to come home and see it.

She walked in and said, "Oh! You DID clean my room. Grandma said you might." A while later, she exclaimed, "You put down my pink rug!!"

Mission accomplished.

Enough already...

There comes a point when I just get plain ole "fed up". We have lived in this little duplex since the middle of May. I don't think I have seen the floor of the boys room since before we started moving boxes in. And tonight, I will not even talk about my daughter's room. I realize I am cramming 3 growing boys into one room but seriously, how can they stand to live in a room where you can't see the floor and have to maneuver around like some sort of ancient labyrinth full of dangers like tiny Lego pieces with their bumpy, pointy parts aimed directly at every toe or heel or the pile of blankets laying low like the foothills of some mountain range. I spent a day creating clever little labels of glittery embossing and adhering them to every box shaped container I could find. This did not inspire one lick of enthusiasm for using said containers. Instead, the boys filled their beds with blankets, stuffed animals and piles of clothing that I was pretty sure I had handed out the parental edict to "Sort the pile, put the pile away and for crying out loud, put the dirty stuff in the hamper". I tried to create a cute room that boys would love to spend time in. I painted two walls metallic silver and painted portholes on little canvases complete with sea creatures of their choice appearing in the portholes. I hung them to their individual specifications and encouraged them to think of their room like a submarine on a deep sea exploration. Still, no enthusiastic "Hey, lets keep this place tidy. Wouldn't that help us to find our favorite things? And those boxes Mom made are great...we should definitely use them!"

Three beds fit in that room when two are stacked as bunk beds. #1 son had this great loft with a huge desk and shelf under neath it. One problem, he didn't like to sleep in it. Instead, he continued to sleep on the couch.

I reached my point of "Enough already" and decided things just were not going to work without drastic intervention. I sold the loft because #1 son admitted he didn't like sleeping up that high. I bought a day bed instead. I hadn't intended to buy the daybed but the one I wanted to buy was sold out and I was going to get a bed for that child come hell or high water and it was going to happen NOW! I even found cute matching but not identical comforters for each boy on sale at Target.

In order to get that bed to fit in the room, I tore the whole room apart. Actually, I rearranged every piece of furniture, some got moved a couple of times. The pieces were in place, shelves were hung up by each boy's bed for his special treasures. Comforters placed on each bed. And at last, boy #1 has slept in his own bed for 2 out of 3 nights. Tonight, he fell asleep on the couch and I got him up and sent him to his bed.

I own the living room again. The boys absolutely love their room. It is not completely finished. There are some stacks of containers to empty into the bins I bought for the cubicle bookcase. I have two more shelves to put up but the room feels bigger and more airy. And they have room to play. I'm not quite so scared to walk in there.

The "fed up" moment is coming for darling daughter. If only my schedule would permit me the luxury of a day to overhaul it. However, October is shaping up to be a very busy month with various events and Master's coursework and papers to complete. I just try not to look in her room as I walk down the hall. If I look, I will want to run in and organize it. She needs some ownership and responsibility for her room but I think she is feeling overwhelmed and doesn't know where to start. The day is coming when we will just go in, drinks and snacks in hand and not come out until it is tidy, organized and looking like a cute girl's bedroom.

A change of thought.

I started to realize over the weekend that my thoughts about my Dad have changed direction. I read the status of my cousin-in-law as she remarked on her one year anniversary. Something clicked in my brain. At the wedding of my cousin and his bride, it was the last family function that my Dad would ever attend. It would be a month before his death. From now until the anniversary date of his death, everything seems to focus around "this was the last time..."

My Mom is feeling the same way. It's a new kind of sadness. A different kind of sad. I was putting together a scrapbook page of my son (the one who is 7) on his 4th birthday. (Yes, I am THAT behind...and more because I skip around and work on what I am in the mood for.) I found a picture of him and my Dad. My heart broke again. After this, Grandpa would only celebrate two more of Peanut's birthdays. I didn't mention that in the scrapbook.

I miss him so much. This next month may be the hardest yet. I can hardly believe a year has almost passed. I still think I will see him standing on the deck or working in the garage. Sometimes, I have walked into his wood shop (now called The Studio) and smelled the sawdust and woodsy smells and it felt as if I had walked onto sacred ground.

This happens to my kids too. One day, Mom and I were sitting on the deck, enjoying a glass of water. Peanut came out and was chipper and chatty and then all of a sudden while he stood at the rail and looked out over the yard, his whole face just changed and tears welled up. He senses it too. It's hard enough for me to grieve my father. It is even harder to walk my children through it. But I do. I acknowledge what he is feeling and tell him it is alright to feel what he feels.

We are getting through it but it is hard. I know I will always miss him. But perhaps in time, it won't sting as much.

New Job

I am not a person who really thrives on change and needs the "next thing" to get a thrill. I like things to stay the same. I don't think that is all that strange. I bet there are many who are the same way. This past year has been quite full of many changes and transitions and it has been difficult. It seemed like was just one thing after another.

I changed jobs twice. Ugh. However, I do think God has a way of working things out for the best and there is always a reason for things. I think my time working at the long term care facility taught me a lot about what my leadership style is and also showed me that I have more to learn before I am really ready for the level of responsibility required for a job of that caliber. I do not rule it out as a possibility and some sort of management/supervisory position is something I am interested when the time is right.

My new job is expanding my nursing skills. Since I started at the end of June, I have learned how to draw blood, take care of wounds, insert a catheter as well as getting very good at manual blood pressures and apical pulses. According to both my preceptor and my supervisor, I am catching on to things very quickly and am not requiring a lot of hand holding. Those are nice compliments to hear after the harsher critiques of "not meeting expectations" or "not being up to speed" and feeling overwhelmed.

Better still, I like this new job a lot. There is much to learn, much to hone but I love working on an individual level with patients again. I like being able to set my own schedule. I really like the fact that when I am done with my visits for the day, I can go home and finish. I have loved having days when I am home at 3 or 4pm. Or the days when I have been able to start at 9am. There is stress. And I am not up to speed on everything. The computer program I am learning to use is HUGE but all the people involved with running the organization smoothly are very nice about showing me how to correct things or pointing out what I missed. For example, I put together a care plan that included home health aid visits for 1 day a week, 2 days a week AND 3 days a week. Perhaps a bit of over-kill? The response was "Everyone who has started has made the same mistake. Here is how to fix it."

I love that!

So, while I struggle with living on a smaller income for the time being, I find that I am happier and more relaxed and I feel like I am in the midst of doing good work. I meet interesting people and travel to parts of the city I have never seen. I am thanking God for his wisdom and His leading. I think that one job lead to the next. A door opens and a window opens.

Lessons learned from my cats

I have two sweet cats: Tiger and Clifford the Girl. They have a life that is envious at times. Maybe there is something I can learn from them.

1. If you meow, someone will feed you. Especially when you wind yourself around their legs and lead them to the kitchen.

2. It is important to take the time to sit in the window, watch the birds and the cars and enjoy the sunshine.

3. Always take time to keep yourself clean. Even if that means stopping in the middle of the hallway to lick your leg. You never get a second chance to make a first impression.

4. Tell the people in your life how you feel about them. Affection can be expressed by curling up on their lap, winding yourself around their leg or sticking your face in their face and nibbling on their ear or licking their eye.

5. Rest is important. Take the time to nap every day, especially if there is a warm spot of sunshine and a gentle breeze.

6. Alert your people to your presence and let them know they forgot you by sticking your paw under the bathroom door or pawing at the door to remind them you are there.

7. If your people forget to clean out your litter box, leave them little reminders so they are aware of the error.

A day in the life of a woman

I suffer from my own form of ADHD--Attention Deficit Housework Disorder. I start in one room, with the plan to complete a task and an hour later, I realize I am in a completely different room doing a completely different task. Take today, for example, I had someone coming by to take away some of my cardboard boxes. So, I decided I would start cleaning my kitchen and doing dishes. From there, I saw a couple of dish towels that needed laundering. I gathered them up and remembered that the boys have an overflowing basket of laundry, so I went and got that, picking up assorted laundry along the way. I then headed down the stairs to start a couple loads of laundry. While there, I had a load of towels in the dryer that needed folding. I folded those and headed up to put them away. As I passed through the kitchen, I saw my sink of soapy water and the stack of cups on the counter and remembered that I was washing dishes.

It really takes a very concerted effort for me to stay on one task and not flit about from one thing to the other like a humming bird going from flower to flower, never staying long in one place. To my credit, however, I have gotten a lot of things accomplished. The dishes are washed, dried and put away. I sorted items on my counter that belong to my landlord and are needed to complete the kitchen cupboard project. I found my knives and kitchen canisters for flour, sugar, etc and put those away. I swept the dining room. I have two loads of wash going and two loads in the dryers. I have changed my linen on my bed and I am about to begin organizing the stack of papers I have been collecting every day at work. And I still need to plan out the week of chores for the kids. The bathroom floor needs washing...I have a mirror I want to hang...

Times, they are a changin'

Week 1 of my new job is done. Today, I started week 2. I really think I am going to like this job a lot. I am a Registered Nurse Case Manager for a home care company. I will learn how to draw blood, wound care as well as lots of paperwork. But there is a great deal of flexibility, setting my own schedule and opportunity to make bonuses for extra visits as well as mileage for my driving.

Sometimes, things happen in my life that I cannot explain why. And sometimes, God gives me a peek at why events unfolded like they did. A year ago, I was comfortable in my old job with the county. But I was also kind of bored. I had reached the point where I feel like I had mastered the tasks but there was no where to go, no opportunity to move ahead. But it was still security.

Then my basket was upset by being forced to find something different. The opportunity to move into long-term care provided me a great deal of new challenges. I really learned a lot about an area of nursing I had not known about. The challenge was perhaps greater than my abilities. I think I could have grown into the role but it did not work out that way. However, in my new position, the new things I learned in long term care and geriatric care are coming into play with the skill set I have. I have new things to learn but there are things I can look at now and see that if I had not worked in long-term care, I would not be familiar with what I will be learning now but in greater depth. I can see that I have an opportunity to become a stronger and more skilled nurse. I still live on faith and prayer. I took a drastic pay cut but in the end, I think I will be happier. Already the skills and knowledge I have are being appreciated and remarked on. I have much to learn but I am excited to try new things!

Well That's a Fine Howdy-do

I walked in to work today and discovered that my desk had been completely rearranged and cleaned off. I did not like that at all. Sadly, when I looked at what she had done, I did have to admit, I liked her arrangement better. However, I still felt as if I had been invaded. My desk is not always neat and tidy which is something that the Queen Bee likes. She doesn't like anything laying out. But that is her issue. My desk is my space given to me for me to do my work. It's one thing when there is a shared space such as a nursing station but in my office, at my desk, I should have the freedom to spread things out as I see fit. I have my own way of making sure I get things done. If I clear everything off my desk every day, I often forget if I had finished something. So, I leave myself a neat little stack of To Do items, usually with little notes written on a post-it, so I know where I left off.

Now she did leave me a little note on my computer explaining what she did and why. But still. And then when she came in, she sweetly talked about it and tried to make it like it was no big deal. I am kicking myself because I did not speak up and say, "You know, that really annoyed me. And while I understand that you were trying to help me out, rearranging my desk goes a little too far." Instead, I just tucked my feelings away and tried to ignore how annoyed I was.

She proceeded to tell me that she gave me a glowing evaluation after my interview on Thursday and that the company had called right after my interview. They also called today to talk about my interview but I missed the call. I wonder if that is a good sign? I will have to wait til tomorrow to find out for sure. If it is a job offer, I already know that I want the job. It sounds a lot like what I did before but with some new things in like learning how to draw blood and do more wound care.

It just gets weirder

I feel like a pawn. And unfortunately, the pawn is always expendable.

Apparently, if I am reading the situation correctly, the Big Boss did not know that the DON (or as a friend calls her "the Queen Bee") had given me 30 day Walking Papers. When I announced my last day, he said, "Wow. Really? We need to talk about that." It took me two days to catch a moment to talk to him and when I did, I was surprised. He said that it was his understanding that I was being given a 30 day correction plan. I laid out what happened when she terminated me. It happened to be at the same time that he left the building for a week and 1/2 for the funeral and recuperation after his mother-in-law died. He told me, "Why do you say June 18th? Do you have a job lined up?" No, I do not. "We need you here." Basically, the agreement as it stands now is that I can stay at my current position while I continue to look for another job. I added that I would like the flexibility to go to interviews as they come up. Agreed.

And he said he will talk to Queen Bee about the situation. Hmmm. That could make Monday very interesting. I have not seen QB since I left for a interview on Thursday and at that time, she had not met with Big Boss yet so she was unaware of our new agreement.

I have been asked by many people if I will stay on if they were to rescind the termination. I do not think that is going to be in my best interest. There is no security. I know that QB does not want me there and I have seen her "in action" a bit to know that she could make my life very miserable if she does not get what she wants. So right now I am going to do what is good for me. It is better for me financially, obviously, because it means I will not go on unemployment or lose my insurance. However, I need security. I need to be in a job where I am trusted and my work is valued. And I need to work in a place that is upfront and values honesty. I shouldn't have to go digging for it or begging for answers.

My life is so weird, I can't make this stuff up...

I have had a "perfect storm" of events in the last few weeks. Actually, it all kind of happened in one week, but the repercussions are still be felt now. In the middle of May, I turned 39. No big deal. It's a birthday. It was a busy week because we were getting ready to move from the townhouse in Hugo to a new home in Lexington. My birthday was weird. I had to work. I'm used to that. I have always either worked or had finals or other things occur on my birthday. No parades or national holidays...just life. But I did get sung to on my voicemail by my sister and my kids told me Happy Birthday all day long. I got sung to at work and they bought me lunch but no one ate with me. That should have been a clue.

The next day, at the end of the day, the Director of Nursing sat me down in my office and told me that she was giving me 30 days to find a new job and did I have any questions. What do you say to that? Clearly, she is not happy with my work but not so unhappy or concerned with what I do that she didn't need or couldn't justify an escort out the door that day. But she did let me leave early. This was Thursday afternoon and I had Friday off in order to finish getting ready to move on Saturday.

So, in the midst of trying to get things in order to pack, finish painting and all those little details that need attention, my mind is racing in a hundred different directions because now I need a new job and I have to face going back to work on Monday knowing that I am no longer wanted or needed in that position.

I have wise people in my life who gave me a lot of tidbits and things to ponder. If I was in any way endangering the safety of the nursing home, I would not have gotten 30 days. If the quality of my work was an issue, I would not have gotten 30 days. Instead, I was not the person the new DON wanted to work with and truth be told, I have been struggling to keep up with all the various tasks that get thrown at me during the day so perhaps this job is too big for me to handle at this point. And this is really an opportunity to take what I have learned and move on to something else. It in no way means I am a bad nurse or a bad manager or ineffective leader. "Not a good fit" is very appropriate. I didn't fit Camden and Camden didn't fit me.

But it has been weird going to work every day feeling like "dead man walking" or the "lame duck ADON". Except that very few people know that I am the lame duck ADON. I have decided that I will continue to hold my head high and walk in to work every day, work hard, do my very best work and smile. I will be gracious and kind and not be bitter. There are a lot of nasty things I could do but that is really beneath me as the kind of person I want to be. As some people have told me, go in to work and do your job in such a way that they regret their decision.

And that is what I do. Amazingly, it gets easier every day. The every-day issues don't bother me. Sometimes I still feel the sting of being rejected or being lashed out against but I take myself into my office and remind myself that I don't have to take it personally. My countdown clock has started. And there is a job out there that has my name written all over it; it will use my gifts and abilities and also provide challenge and growth.

To compound the supposed simplicity of my life, (Ha ha ha. )I learned from a private assessment that my youngest son will more than likely be repeating first grade and that at some point during the year (earlier rather than later, in my opinion), he shut down and lost his confidence. The assessment placed him at a Kindergarten level. To me, it feels as if 1st grade was a complete wash and that despite my repeated requests for help for him, he was just pushed along with very little indication of how serious the problem was. It wasn't until I completed a parent survey for grade retention that I learned of his teacher's opinion that he should have been held back in Kindergarten. If this was his opinion, why didn't this get dealt with in September or October. I am angry and sad for my son and his frustrations. Looking back, it is so clear how much he was struggling. He has told me about his good-bad days and then one day how excited he was last week when he got the right answer for a math problem and his teacher told him he gets a pat on the back. I realized that he has had very little "successes" through the year but has felt a lot of criticism. It makes me want to cry.

So, my family has taken Peanut on as a "village" project. My sister, the english teacher, will be tutoring him through the summer. My Mom is going to do some extra 1:1 enrichment tutoring and the irony for me, I am going to help him with math. Me, the reformed hater of math...the one who struggled to multiply and hated Algebra and Geometry...I am going to work on math skills. The primary goal for Peanut is to overcome this hump of low self confidence and even if he repeats the first grade, he will be more prepared and feel good about himself.

Oh, there's more but I'm tired.

Back in the saddle...

Ok, I confess, I signed up on eHarmony. I don't think I want to explain the many complex and varied reasons why. I just did. It was a bit of a whim. Actually, there was another site I had been on before and became involved in a 2 year relationship. That ended badly. I first checked back there for a 7 day "Free Preview because we want you back". Out of that little experience, I got an email from a GI in Iraq, supposedly but then the more he started writing, the more it seemed like something was off and I wondered if this was a real person. I was also IM'd by someone who really did not want to get to know me but was interested in what can be described as nothing else but "cyber sex". That was scary. No thanks.

I had been slowly transitioning out of an old email but did not know how to close it down and part of me did not really want to close it because "what if..." but after these two experiences, I figured it out quickly and do not regret it. Everyone who does know me has my real email or has been notified of the change.

So, then eHarmony had many aspects of safety. It is not foolproof but there are many barriers to outright communication with someone before they can get any identifying information or contact information. So, tonight, I have a date with a match. So far, he seems pretty normal. We have seen each other's pictures and talked on the phone a lot.

I'm excited. But I am very nervous. It has been a long time since anyone has asked me out and I don't know if I can even think of someone planning out the whole evening. That part seems very sweet. I have my safety plan in place. One of my friends has my itinerary and knows where I am going to be throughout the evening and she has asked me to send her a text when I get home. Several other people know I am going out. I will have my cell phone and if I need help, for some reason, I know who I can count on. It's doubtful I will need to institute any sort of back-up plan but these days, it is good to have one.

More thoughts on grief

Maybe you are tired of reading about this experience. I don't know. But it is where I am at and it is what I think about. I just hope that something I says resonates with your experience and brings comfort and peace or prepares your for a time when you will go through a time of grieving.

I have determined that grief is a solitary experience. There is no person on this earth who is going to experience it in exactly the same way. The Lord is the only one who knows exactly what I am going through. I think this may be why so many people, including myself, find comfort in the 23rd Psalm:

"The LORD is my sheperd, I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters.
He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You annointed my head with oil; My cup overflows.
Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life, And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. " Psalm 23: 1-6

Right now, my mother and my two sisters are all grieving the loss of the same person. But in many ways, we grieve alone and cannot share with each other what we are going through. I had a conversation with my Mom yesterday in which she told me what she is going through. It was raw and meaningful. And it hurt. But it was what I needed to hear from her. I needed to know what she is going through, what her experience is. I needed to know that she does not have the capacity to go through my grief with me. She even conveyed that she does not know what it must be like to lose a father. It is far to complicated to explain on this blog, but while she did lose her father about 15 years ago, her grieving was short and was more of a relief after a lifelong turmultous and strained relationship with him.

What she has lost is her best friend; the lover of her youth, her companion through so much of her adult life. I can't fathom that pain. What I have lost is my father. Same person, different relationship. Different grief.

She said, and admitted quickly that it came out wrong, that none of us girls knows what it is like to lose a husband. As soon as she said it, she knew she struck a nerve. Again, it's not the same. I did lose a husband and a best friend. He is not dead and he still sort of haunts me. It is the time of year where I get the annual letter from him. I dread it every year and am always relieved when it finally comes and I can finally get it over with. He comes to me in my dreams and I wake up wanting to scream. I hate it. In many ways, death would be easier to deal with because there is an end. I still face the consequences. I still face the fact that someday, he is going to get out of prison and he is going to try to enter our lives again, my children are going to hurt and I will be picking up the peices again. And that is something that NO ONE can possibly understand but me and the Lord.

The solution instead, I think, is to acknowledge the pain and the hurt of others and listen when they need to talk, to be present in their lives and just "be" with them. And sometimes, when the pain is too much to bear alone, the sadness comes in a huge tidal wave and no one knows it but you, reach out and tell your family that you are having a hard time. I can't expect anyone to know through ESP that I am having a tough time. If I can't handle it alone, it is my responsibility to speak up and ask for comfort. Or maybe all I need to do is take a moment to roll with the pain, ride the wave and cry it out.

This weekend, I was cleaning out my garage and organizing it so that I can start packing boxes and moving them in to the garage. When I moved in to this home, my kitchen was seriously lacking cupboard space. My mom offered this piece of furniture we call the Pie Cupboard until a time when I could get more shelves or something. This cupboard is the first piece of furniture my Dad made. When I lived with my parents, my Dad put a lock on it so that we could keep some things out of the reach of little fingers. I decided to take the lock off. One of my children actually broke part of the lock a year ago. I asked my Mom if she wanted this back and she said no. I was pleased because it reminds me of my Dad. I sat down and undid the screws for the lock and then I began to touch the wood and started to remember the time when my Dad built this and all the things we had stored in it over the years. I studied it inside and out. I don't know how to describe it but I just felt both sad because I miss him so much but at the same time, the memories were pleasant and happy. I cried for quite a while. It was what I needed.

I'm so overwhelmed that I am almost paralyzed. Every where I go, there is junk to step on, move around, things to wash, put away, sort through or get rid of. I just can't get a handle on all of it.

At work, I am learning how to delegate tasks to the nurses I supervise. Part of delegation is also learning how to let go. I need to delegate at home and that is something I am having much more difficulty with because my children are definitely not at a level that I would like. But then how else are they to grow if I don't start enforcing my expectations?

We have the opportunity to start fresh because we are moving. Over the course of the next several weeks until moving day in May, I am going to start packing things away in boxes and putting them in the garage. While I do that, I can sort out what we don't need and what can go on the garage sale my Mom and I are going to do in June. She has graciously offered to let me start bringing things over to her garage now so that I don't have to move things twice.

I think one of the problems is that there has been a severe break down in my organizational system. And I have been running like mad since my new job started. My evenings feel very short and I am generally very tired when I get home. I'm out of balance.

I am taking the summer term off of grad school. So for 4 months, I will be able to concentrate on work and kids. The kids will be off for the summer and it will be a good time to start some new habits. If I apply what I am learning at work to what needs to happen at home, I need to establish the expectations and then take the time to practice those new expectations until they begin to feel natural and a part of what we do. I hope 4 months is enough time to do that before school starts back up for everyone.

The Aha! Moment

I'm depressed. That is my big revelation.

I was laying in bed this morning, knowing full well that as a fully matured, gainfully employed adult, I needed to get up and get going, I just kept pulling the covers over my head and hitting the snooze. Even with the kitten, Clifford the Girl, who is now Princess Nuisance, crawling all over me, demanding to be snuggled or she would attack my toes, bite my hair, push her head under my hand and into my face in a variety of attacks, or rapid succession, I still could not get myself up.

I went to bed at a decent hour. I set my alarm for 6am. Not terribly early for me anymore. I was within my usual optimum of 7 hours. So why can't I crawl out of bed and get moving?

Depression.

Yuck. Labeling it however, does ease my mind. I have been down this path before. I even know in my head that it is a normal reaction, all things considered. I am grieving my father. I am working in a new job that often leaves me feeling "over my head". I have 4 children, two of whom are struggling with school. All of them are struggling in their own way with their own sadness and loss. Peanut told Grandma that he can talk to Grandpa but Grandpa can only see him when he is outside. But God can see him when he is inside. It is cute. And it is a clue that he is struggling to make sense of why his beloved Grandpa is no longer here. I'm also taking graduate level classes. I feel over-run with clutter and daily housekeeping. Even the small tasks seem like an overwhelming burden.

This is not typical for me. But in light of a depression. It makes sense. The first step for me is to understand that this is what is going on. Doing so, I am able to give myself more grace. I don't let myself off the hook for things that need to get done. But I can recognize that the road out of depression is slow at times. The feeling of being overwhelmed and unable to do anything, is part of it.

With my past history of depression, post-partum depression with my first child, I have learned a thing or two. Take my medication daily. Don't give in to the "cover my head and tune out the world". Do something. Anything. Steady plodding. And face the feelings.

Depression is commonly misunderstood as being sadness. That is part of it. But the true root of depression is actually anger. I tell this to myself more than anything because I know that for me, part of my ability to recover and heal is to get to the root. I tend to stuff my difficult emotions. I don't have time to deal with them. It hurts too much to pay attention to them. It causes others distress if I show them. All of this boils into a pot of feeling misunderstood, uncared for by those closest to me, feeling taken for granted, with a dash (or a heap) of sadness, some "righteous" indignation and some whining ("It's not fair."). Quite a stew.

I think part of my identification that this is indeed depression is also an indicator that I am finally ready to face some of those difficult emotions swirling around in my head. The grief I have a handle on. The anger, not so much. The anger scares me. It always has. That's why I stuff it.

With that thought, I need to take a shower and get going to work, so I can stay gainfully employed.

The week past

It was a tough one in many respects. Last week marked the 6 month anniversary of my father's death. At first, I did not think it was affecting me very much. However, my reaction was delayed and I found myself on an emotional roller coaster this week. I was driving in to work and saw a red Ford pick-up. All of a sudden, the tears just started falling and the words I had been holding back came out.

I miss him so much. I was not ready to let him go. I was not ready to say good-bye. I hurt. I feel empty inside. I hate the pain. I hate seeing my Mom hurting and my sisters and my kids. I miss calling him. I miss seeing him standing on the deck at the house. I miss seeing him in the garage waving at me as I drive up or drive away. I miss seeing him in his favorite chair. Every where I turn, I am reminded of him and then reminded that he is not here.

By the time I got to work, my eyes were red and puffy. I had to talk myself through it and get myself under control. My soon-to-be boss started talking to me and then she stopped and said, "You look like you have been crying." And I told her I was having a tough day with thoughts of my Dad. I told her to continue with what she was telling me and she said, "I feel like I want to fix it for you." I told her that I was trying to get a handle on myself so distraction would be a good plan.

Two more residents are moving towards dying. The other ADON's mother is going back to her home to die. I have to face it. I have to let myself feel my feelings and allow myself to cry if that is what I need to do. It is OK.

Life as a new ADON

For those who don't know, ADON stands for Assistant Director of Nursing. That's my new title. It's a big one. And the job is big too. I learn every day just how big it is. The best way to describe how I feel is "I now know what I don't know." Every day I encounter something new. However, I like it. I do worry that I am not cutting it. Working in long term care requires being able to think and work fast. Before I took this job, I thought I was a quick learner. Right now, I feel like I am crawling along like a snail while everyone else is flying past like a cheetah. It is my perception, I am sure. And a great deal of insecurity.

After one particularly difficult day in which I had been asked to do several things I did not know how to do, and I did not do them well, I commented to the woman who is taking the place of the retiring Director of Nursing, "It hurts to grow. And I am being stretched in every direction."

I think about that a lot. I think it is probably the most accurate assessment I could make about myself and my current position. I took a job that was bigger than I had ever taken on before but even though it is big and has a lot of responsibility, I can grow into the role. I battle myself with perfectionism and wanting to do everything perfectly, the first time and when I make mistakes, I feel like I can't do it at all. It does help to remember that I am growing. I am stretching and it can be painful and it doesn't happen all at once.

I am far too hard on myself.

On a lighter note, I need to find a stapler, a bunch of rubber bands, a stash of paper clips and a highlighter. There is a stash of office supplies somewhere in the building. I have yet to find it. I have already discovered that if I give out a pen, I will not get it back. So, when I came upon a deal at Target for 144 black stick pens for $5, I bought them and I keep them in my desk. These are the ones I hand out to nursing assistants who ask for one. The ones I like to use, I keep in a different spot.

It's like a crazy game of Hide-n-Seek for grown-ups.

How we're doing...

How do I answer this question?

It depends on the day. It depends on my mood. It depends on who is asking.

This week marks 6 months since my Dad died. I have felt quite sad. I haven't cried, even though I feel like I should. I just can't seem to make the tears come. I think about him a lot. I miss him every day. Probably a day does not go by when I don't wish I could just call him on the phone and tell him something little or silly or just talk something through.

My kids are doing OK. And by OK, I mean OK. They have good days and bad days. Two of my boys are struggling in school and I think grief has a lot to do with it. BB is pulling D's and F's but his test scores are far above the district and school level. He is so smart but he just has not been turning in homework. But the jig is up and he has a teacher at school checking every day. He has me checking every day. The computer has become one of my greatest assets because he likes to spend time on it but he cannot when he has not done his homework. And if he forgets it at school, no computer either. I also talked to the school he is going to next year to see what kinds of things we can put in place for him so that this does not happen again.

Peanut is not reading real well or doing well in math. At his conference, I was told that he may need to be held back and repeat first grade. In some ways, this could be the best thing for him because he is a little immature and it might be just what he needs to get a handle on reading and math. We have 3 months to try to get his skill level up. I also called the school he will be going to next year to see if there is summer school available for him when we move. And there is. So, things are in motion for him.

On the other hand, my other two are doing well in school. Princess was on the A honor roll last semester. And now that she has done that once, she wants to do it again. But she is struggling with French. She continues to work hard. Pumpkin Head is doing great. His teacher thinks he is a sweetie and that he is really smart. He even bought himself a book with his allowance. I love that he is starting to read on his own. We will have to utilize the library a lot this summer and keep these kids in books!

My new job is going well. I feel a little nervous and overwhelmed because there is so much to learn and I have to learn it so fast. I love the residents. I am challenged every day. Sometimes I am frustrated, but more with myself because I am not up to speed. Last week was a hard week because 4 residents passed away over the course of the week. 3 of them were expected and one was a surprise. And we have entered our "window" for our Department of Health survey.

My new course for grad school is harder than my previous courses and is requiring more reading and processing than the others. My stress level is rising. I feel like I am falling behind in everything. However, I decided to combat my overwhelmed feelings by making a plan and a schedule for all the things I need to do including the laundry, the cleaning, the homework and so forth. This way I don't have to beat myself up for not getting everything done in one day.

One day at a time. One day at a time. One day at a time.

Thoughts on being lost...

This weekend I managed, in the span of 15 minutes, to lose two of my sons. When I look back, it could be viewed as being incredibly funny but I'm not quite ready to laugh yet. The situations occurred due to a lack of communication as well as a the seemingly natural inclination of boys to wander. When we go shopping at Target, I have allowed my children to pair off and go hang out in their two favorite areas of the store: Toys and Electronics. And they travel between the two. It has allowed me the freedom to get my other shopping done with some peace as well as efficiency that does not come with 4 children hanging about.

As I finished, I headed toward the Toy department and encountered the first pair and then we headed over to Electronics to gather the other two. In no time at all, I turned around and Peanut was gone. We searched the immediate area and there was no sign of him. I had the other 3 with me, and I planted them by a railing with STRONG instructions to stand by the cart IN THIS SPOT and I would go search for Peanut. I can move faster when not pushing a heavily laden shopping cart and 3 kids in tow. I searched the usual areas and still did not find him. So, I gathered the other 3 again and we set off to search the other half of the store. While we were talking, BB was chatting about how we should have a meeting spot to go to so that if we ever get separated again, we would know to go there and we would be found again. I told him this was a good idea but right now, we were searching for Peanut. All of a sudden it got quiet and I turned around and BB was gone.

This made me angry because I am confident that he took off, chasing some sort of wild hare. Even though we were just talking about this while searching for his little brother! He's been in a strange mood lately and I think that he may have thought on a subconscious level, that if he got lost too, he would get all of us looking for him and then the celebration when he was found would be sweet.

No time to dwell on that thought much because I figured Peanut was panicking somewhere or the worst thought a parent can have...someone snatched him. I hate that thought. I hate that we live in a world where those thoughts even have to cross a parent's mind. I grabbed a manager and told him I was looking for my 7 year old. He grabbed another employee. I turned around and saw Peanut running up the aisle near where we had been earlier. I sent Princess after him. He was crying. I was relieved.

And now I had another son to go find. But I was so embarrassed, I did not want to tell this manager that I had another child missing too. What kind of an idiot can't keep track of her children? And there are so many reasons that are none of the Target employees business as to why a second child would wander off. So, I paid for my purchases, parking my children in the main aisle telling them to watch for BB. Then I parked all of them in the little cafe with stern and I mean STERN instructions to stay put while I went to look for BB. I started walking the path we had been on before figuring he may have ducked down a side aisle to escape me.

I made it all the way over to Toys and an employee approached me and asked if I needed help finding anything. I said that I was looking for my son. She stayed on me even though I was trying to brush her off. I was so exhausted by this time as well as frustrated, angry and scared that finally I said, "I need help. I can't find him. And I'm so tired. I don't know what to do anymore."

She called a Code Yellow which got all of the available employees out looking for him. I was still embarrassed by all the attention. But when they found him and announced across the radio that he was at the service desk, I was relieved. But there was a growing anger inside me because I just felt it in my heart that BB did this on purpose. And how was I going to handle this?

The consequence, I decided, was that for out next trip to any store, no one would go anywhere without me. It's more of a punishment for myself than anything. It is also taking back a freedom that perhaps they cannot handle yet. I need to evaluate my communication with them on what my expectations are as well. I just can't do that in the heat of the moment nor on the brink of exhaustion.

The other issue that this story shows is just one other example of what my 11 year old is going through. He is in a full-blown depression. His behavior is erratic, irrational, irritating and prickly. I am having conversations with him about his prickly behaviors, trying to help him give a name to what he is feeling as well as describe what it looks like to the rest of us. This is the best description I have come up and it is working so far. I told him that he is acting like a porcupine that has raised up all it's needles. The reason a porcupine does this is for protection. It does not want bigger animals to come near and eat it or attack it softer parts. It's a defense mechanism. So, like the porcupine, BB is sticking out his prickly needles pushing people away with his behavior because he doesn't want to get hurt. But at the same time, he is pushing away the very people who love and care for him the most, and the ones who can help him.

I think this is a childhood manifestation of a clinical depression. I have talked with his pediatrician about it earlier this fall. Children, thankfully, do not get treated with medications for depression. Their brains are still developing. So, the best course is therapy. My issue now is that with my job change, my new health insurance is not completely set up yet. I have to talk to my boss about it on Monday and find out where that is at. The other problem is that the therapist we were using, while BB seemed to like him he was not connecting with him and wouldn't talk to him. And now his depressive symptoms are spilling over into school because I learned that he has been hiding his homework in his locker, he is disengaged in his classroom and it goes on and on.

I'm torn apart. I don't know what to do. I'm praying for him. I need to start praying with him and talking with him every day. On Monday, I will be calling the school psychologist and I am going to ask for a meeting with her, his teacher and other specialists that work with him to come up with some sort of a game plan to give him the support he needs to get through this. I don't think he can get through it on his own. He is crying out for help. I think he wants to know that people care, even though he is doing his very best to push people away. In a sense, he is lost.

Not a Wit to be had

If I had any wits left, I'd be at the end of them. I'm just so doggone tired. My brain is full every day. I know that this is a temporary state of being and completely normal but it is hard to live like this for long.

I started my new job two weeks ago. I think it is going well. I am on complete information overload. I am trying to learn as much as I can about Long term care and my new responsibilities. For those who may read this and do not read any other stuff or talk to me in other capacities, let me fill you in.

In November, I learned that my nice job at the county was going to end due to budget cuts. My last day was January 8, 2010. There are frustrating things that one encounters when working for a large state operated system and union rules. Bureaucratic red-tape is the best description. Communication with me, the lowly staff person, does not seem to terribly high on the priority list. I found out on December 24 via an email that I did not actually read until the next week when I came back to work after the Christmas holiday that I had a temporary reassignment onto a unit that was going to be shut down and transferred to another facility, in another town. And because of that, I would also be included in their lay-off group and would be getting an official lay-off notice with my options. My options included a)take the lay-off b) "Bump" a less senior RN out of their position of which I could choose from one of the following 4 options...1 was a rotating day and evening position, 3 were straight nights. or c) take an open position but less than full time.

The way I had always understood things was that if you had a significant amount of seniority, the options should not be so lousy. I had 30 people under me in seniority and this was my option. Something about this really bugged me but I couldn't put my finger on it until the week I started back at the Treatment center in orientation and talked with some of the staff who were working on the unit that was being shut down. A very brand-new RN had bid off to another unit and for some reason, was considered "safe" from the lay-off or from being "bumped". Why would this RN who had worked for a few months be assured of a job when I, who had worked for the state for over 6 years, 3 1/2 of which were as an RN get stuck working nights? It didn't make sense and I was getting mad.

An opportunity sort fell into my lap. There is no other way to describe it. My friend from college works at a nursing home in Minneapolis. She is one of the directors and told me that they were looking for a couple of nurse managers and would I consider it? Initially, I said I would wait a while and see how things played out with the state but then when I started learning about all this other junk going on, and she posted a little plug on Facebook about the job (not just to me but to others who might know good nurses) I wrote to her and said, "Consider me interested." As she and I wrote back and forth, the administrator chimes in on the discussion and says, "Tulip, you call me tomorrow."

In actuality, my first week of training at the treatment center, I knew I had this job interview so I tried to be positive and keep an open mind, knowing that I was exploring other options and was not stuck. The interview went well and I was essentially offered the job if all went well in a meeting with the Assistant Director of Nursing the next week. The following week was a holiday, so my kids and I were going to the Mall of America for the day and the Administrator asked me to call during the day and schedule an appointment with the ADON. Instead, I came in on my way home from the MOA, with my 4 bedraggled, sweaty children and had an interview with the ADON and met again with the Administrator. I walked out with the job.

And I learned that I would be another Assistant Director of Nursing, sharing duties (to be determined later) with the other ADON. That began my whirlwind of excitement, exhaustion and losing all my wits. But the more I dig in, the more I like what I am doing and the more I feel like this is what I am supposed to be doing. I'm far from relaxed but I can see where I am headed.

The stress is taking its toll however. I feel like I am running and never catch up. However, the beauty in that is that I am realizing my children are far more capable then I have given them credit and it is not wrong of me to expect them to pick up some of the slack. However, it is wrong of me to expect them to do things to the same skill that I would or with the same efficiency and dedication. We are all growing in that area.

The use of the computer is helping all of us in that area. I can type out my To Do lists and even write out what I want them to do exactly. They can have time to use the computer if they do what they have been asked to do. And there are things that we have to keep up with every day or it piles up and gets overwhelming. This pertains mostly to the kitchen because our kitchen is small and the dishwasher does not work.

BB is reacting to these changes in a way that is frustrating. He has been so angry and irritable. I sat down with him and described what I was seeing as him putting out spikes like a cactus or a porcupine. And when someone is acting prickly it is because there is something they want to protect from being hurt. We talked about the changes in our family over the last few months and how it is understandable that he would want to protect himself from being hurt by sticking out his prickly parts. But his prickly-ness is hurting his family and we are getting tired of being yelled at, answered with sarcastic, rude comments. The only thing that he actually said that was bothering him was that I now have homework from my own school and he feels like that is taking time away from him.

As I think about it, that does make sense. He wants my attention and he is doing all sorts of things to send me a message that he is unhappy. He is also doing things to interfere or disrupt with our family life. He does not like my going to school. I agreed that going to school is hard and has changed things a bit but it is getting easier. I also told him that I was going to take the summer semester off because we all need a break and need to have some time to spend together.

After that, he started to smile again and he started to relax. I think I hit the nail on the head. I did also tell him that things will not always feel this crazy. It's just a lot of things happening in a very short amount of time. It will get better.

Embracing change

So many things are changing right now. It does seem to make my head spin and I wonder how it is that I am not huddled in a corner, knees to chest, rocking and sucking my thumb.

Because I am a grown-up, that's why. And, because I have realized that the only thing I can truly count on staying the same is that everything is going to change eventually. I may not like it. It may hurt or feel uncomfortable and it usually means I am will be tossed out of my comfortable bubble. Tough. That's life.

I am reading a chapter in my course book for my Master's degree and this week's topic is on change. One of the statements that hit me, like a stake to my heart, is that "the tension between stability and chaos creates change" (Grossman & Valiga, 2009, p. 116) and "a system maintains itself only if change is occurring in it all the time." (Grossman & Valiga, 2009, p 117). I realized as I read this that it is this very process of chaotic craziness that is changing me and helping me grow! So embrace it, baby!

I thought it would be "fun" to write out the changes that are occurring in my life at the moment. If nothing else it will show me that I am living my life out on that edge of chaos and there is a purpose for it. I may not know all of the purpose for it but for me, I am a simple enough person to be content to know that sooner or later, I will know the reason.

1. Grieving the death of my Dad. This is still huge. A friend of mine mentioned that grieving takes 1000 days. I like that because it takes the pressure off of me when I think ,"Come on, get over it. Let it go." Yet at the same time, the process of letting it go takes time and cannot be rushed.
2. One job ending. It was not something I wanted to happen. I was content. But at the same time, if I am truly honest with myself, I knew that it was never going to be "the last stop" in my career. At some point, I was going to grow beyond that job. What I had to let go of was the loss of it being on my terms and by my choice.
3. A new job beginning. This is exciting. New challenges, new responsibilities. But stress, anxiety and fear. I'm just laying it out there.
4. Going back to school again. Granted, I do all my schooling from home, filling it in around the rest of my life. There is no other way I could do it! But it does add stress and a burden. At the same time, I feel like my mind is just a sponge. I had been sitting on the fence for so long about whether I should start or not and could I hack it. Now I am reading books like the one I mentioned above and seeing how my learning process is spilling over into every area of my life. I am ready for this.
5. A teenage daughter. So far, so good. I'm seeing more emotional lability and some challenges to my authority. But she is a good girl and I think we have a good relationship. So we talk about the changes going on with her. I'm working through some grief knowing that my time with her at home is getting shorter and she is going to start pulling away. It has begun already with long weekend trips with the youth group and summer camp. So, I say to myself alot, "Give her roots and wings."
6. Another adolescent on the verge. An 11 year old boy who makes me laugh, cry and scratch my head or want to ram my head into a wall in frustration. And that is just in 30 minutes. Yet, I have seen so much growth in him over the last year. His brain is developing and the logical aspects are kicking in. He is very black and white. Some of that is being ADHD. He also has to see how this applies to him and if it does not, good luck getting him on board.
7. More battles with the school regarding absences and a report to the county of educational neglect. Ugh. I know in my heart that I am not "Educationally neglecting" my children but the thought that someone out there thinks I am, because my kids got the very illness that is causing a "pandemic" across the world, just bugs me.
8. Another move. It's been almost 2 years. I'm frustrated with this townhouse. I have a place to go. It's hard to wait. But the thought of packing and unpacking again. Sigh.
9. Basketball practice once a week and games on Saturdays. And a boy who wants to play but is struggling with a coach who is a little harder and does not go by BB's rules. As soon as the clock hits 7pm, BB believes practice is over and he starts to shut down. I watch him at practice and in games and while he seems to have a good time playing, this is not something that stirs passion in him. It's painful to watch.
10. A comment from my 8 year old, while we were at the Mall of America, "We need another person in our family. A father." That is something that has been with us for 7 years and is a wound that I can't heal completely from myself. How do I explain to him that I know he wants and needs a father and at the same time, I am going to be very, very picky about who gets to be that for him? At the same time, there is a very real possibility that a father at this point in his life, is not part of God's plan. Instead, I pull him close, kiss him on the head and whisper, "I know, baby, I know."

I think that is it. It's enough, isn't it? Is it any wonder that I feel tired and a little overwhelmed? When I look at that list and then I walk through my house, I find myself lightening up a bit on my aggravation with how things are not clean for long. In many ways, we are still working on a "survival mode" while also developing some skills. It's a season. We are dancing on the edge of chaos but it is that edge that sharpens us, pulls us together as a family and builds our character.



Grossman, S. & Valiga, T. (2009). The new leadership challenge: Creating the future of nursing. Philadelphia: F. A. Davis Company.

Aha!

I don't know if this has ever happened to you. Maybe it is only me and it means I am weird. I am actually OK with that. I read a magazine article and by the end of it, I was in tears because the author could have been describing my life or she said something that resonated so personally that it seemed as if that was put in there just for me.

I get this experience a lot at church, quite frankly. How could the pastor know I am going through that? How did the worship team know that I needed to hear that particular song? They did not know it on a person level of course. It is what I believe is the Divine moving inside me. Only the Lord knows exactly what I am going through and what I need to hear, see, read or touch. He orchestrates those moments. If I am receptive, I catch them.

As a single parent, I do not get a lot of time to myself. Sometimes my only safe haven is in the bathroom. And even that can be interrupted at any given moment. However, as my children get older they are less likely to barge in and are learning to respect the closed door. (This does not extend to a door that has not been closed solidly. If there is a crack or a broken seal, then it must mean it is OK to come in. It could not possibly mean that Mom was in a hurry...or that there are two doors and one was missed?) So, I will confess, I spend perhaps a little extra time in my little porcelain retreat than the job requires.

Yesterday, I read an article or an essay about a Mom who was struggling with connecting to her teenage son. She described the turmoil of adolescence for both of them in such a way that I was moved to tears and I was left with a new found insight into how I could approach the two children I have that are entering this stage.

She said that for some children, moving into adolescence, the transition seems relatively painless. They find their niche and go with it. For others, it is more painful. She described how it is like a caterpillar who has created it's chrysalis. A mother cannot climb in there with her child. It is an event that her child must go through alone. Her son created an environment that said, "Stay out" with his angry music, long black sweatshirts and questionable bedroom decor. But when she began to see it as his cocoon, she found she could slowly find ways to move back in to his life and reach back in to his world. The caterpillar in this cocoon stage is going through profound changes, as is a teenager. Everything about them is changing; hair, body, voice, brain and so forth. It is a scary time.

Like I said before, I got to the end of the article and the tears were pouring down my face like sheets of spring rain. Aha! I have been thinking about how much I am afraid of these impending teen years because of the changes I see. I see that time with my children is slipping away. It is moving to fast. I am grieving it. I missed the perspective of my children and what it is like for them.

Smacking myself in the head. I used to be a teenager. I remember feeling isolated a lot. I remember feeling like my parents "just don't get it". I remember thinking torn between what life used to be like when I was a kid and then also all the exciting things that were happening with new freedoms. Sometimes, I just wanted to be a kid. Mostly what I wanted was to be heard.

My son, the one who just turned 11, told me on Sunday that I do not know him at all, that I do not understand him. I wanted to shout back at him, "Of course I do! I have known you since before your born. I held you closer than any other person the planet!" Things are changing inside him and he is right, in a sense, I do not know him. I know glimpses of him and what he shows me and tells me. It is now my job to connect back to him and ask him to share himself with me, to let him tell me who he thinks he is and to help him figure it out or to just be here and support him while he enters his cocoon, goes through these changes and we see what comes out at the end.

I still want to cry. I want him to stay a little boy forever. I still think about the baby who would reach out to me, smiling when I picked him up at the end of the day. It's hard to let go of that.

Birthday season is upon us

Today, my oldest son turns 11 years old. This is so unreal to me. He is so cute and has planned his whole day. We will be busy for sure. Right after school, BB and Peanut have doctor appointments (ones which had to be rescheduled from December and November due to our family's personal battle with H1N1), followed by BB's first basketball practice since he got sick in November and finally, a birthday dinner at the restaurant of his choice: Wise Guys pizza. None of us have ever been there so it's going to be interesting.

I have been working with him over the past year to gain more independence with personal hygiene. Each of my kids, with the exception of Peanut, can now turn on their own showers and complete that task with minimal intervention from mom, other than the occasional, "I need a towel." He floored me this week when he has begun to comb his hair daily, even trying various arrangements using hairspray and water and even deciding he wants to grow a mullet. Does this mean the same thing to him as it does to me? I'm not sure. I'm picturing the full Billy Ray Cyrus "business in the front-party in the back" hair and I want to scream. However, I am realizing that the time has come for me to let go of that too. And I should be grateful he is taking such an interest.

Earlier this year, BB and I had so many bathing battles. The last straw, and it could be the event that *finally* drove the point home to him that he was being utterly ridiculous, was when he was refusing to get in the shower and it has been days, possibly weeks since his last shower and he smelled bad! I jokingly, but with a serious mission in mind, chased him up the stairs and into the bathroom (My days of throwing him up over my shoulder passed with the last birthday.). He then continued to refuse to get in. I turned the water on, stripped him with my own eyes closed and then told him he needed to wash or I would do it for him. He did not believe me and just stood as far away from the water as possible. So, I pulled the curtain back and stepped in with one foot. He immediately got himself under the water and shouted, "Fine, I can do it myself." Since that day, it still takes a lot of cajoling to get him up to the shower but he will inform me, "I can do it all by myself and I DO NOT need any help from you." Excellent.

THis week, with the hairstyling and the combing every day, he tells me that "I have decided that I should take a shower every other day. That means I should take my next shower on Tuesday."

This my friends, is ownership.

I'm holding my breath as it is Tuesday and the day is young. He does have basketball practice, so I do have that little leverage. My plan is to merely remind him that he said he would do this and then, oh this is so hard for me, let it go.

To me, this is one of the hardest parts of parenting. The ultimate objective, after teaching them about the love of Jesus and I have done my job in teaching them about being Christians, is to set them out into the world as capable, confident, hopefully well-groomed and hygienic adults. However, it is also a bittersweet task because as they meet each objective in achieving their independence, it reminds me that the years are passing quickly and my time with them in this little family bubble is also passing quickly. Before I know it, they will be off on their own. I wonder if this is why I tease them each birthday and tell them how I would like them to stay this age "just a while longer". I've enjoyed them at this age and the next year brings us another step closer to their independence.

I think if I do a good job with parenting, they will leave my home but will always know that I am close to them. Our relationship will change. Just like BB declared he would no longer call me "Mommy" but simply "Mom", it is how it must be.

A month ago, Peanut turned 7. In a few weeks, Princess will turn 13 and will conclude our season of birthdays, until May when PH and I celebrate ours.