I am a Psych nurse working in the community. The population of people I primarily work with are what we call SPMI or Serious and Persistant Mentally Ill. We have criteria that we go through in order to determine if someone is SPMI. As "THE" nurse in the office, I also float between two teams; the intake team and the ongoing case management team. I hear some funny things. And I share them because they tickled my funny bone and because I believe that humor is an excellent coping mechanism and helps me not to take life to seriously. Sometimes, my job does become very serious and I am part of some very difficult decisions about a client staying out in the community or needing to go in to the hospital. So some levity, and sometimes a bit off-collar humor, helps me cope and keeps me grounded.
So, here are some of the funniest things I have heard at work:
1. "What is his/her diagnosis?"
"Well, he's crazy."
"Aren't they all? Its called Job Security."
2. "He didn't make the cut." while discussing the eligibility of a potential client.
3. "so I congratulated him on his status and eligibility"
"Oh, I bet he was excited to know that he is officially and certifiably mentally ill."
4. "He's pleasantly delusional."
Like I said, a bit off color, but laughter is how we cope and continue to do what we do. It's a tough job. Our clients are not always the easiest people to work with but in many ways, are some of the neediest people around. So, it does help to laugh and not get in too deep, or we burn out.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Saturday, September 15, 2007
He can sell you the shirt off your back
My school-age kids are selling various items for school. My daughter is selling candybars for $1. It's the hot item. She sold almost her whole box this weekend. Young Peanut has been waiting for over a day for a candy bar. He tried various means of getting a candy bar. The grown ups explained that these candy bars cost a dollar and did he have a dollar for one? He tried to say he lost his dollar. That didn't work. Then he cried. Tears are his most effective weapon in his 4 year old arsenal. Grandma succumed and bought him one. He was elated and his eyes grew big as saucers when he unwrapped it.
A short while later, he had been given some starburst which was a party favor from a baby shower. He began to offer his one starburst. He first said to Grandpa, "Do you want to sign up?" Grandpa replies, "Sign up for what?" Peanut shows him his starburst and says, "You can have it for a dollar." Grandpa laughed. So, Peanut tried his technique on Grandma. She did not buy it for buck. Then he offered it to Mommy who also did not buy but offered to take it as a gift. I found it funny that he named his price as the same price as a chocolate bar. But obviously, he has no concept of value.
A short while later, he had been given some starburst which was a party favor from a baby shower. He began to offer his one starburst. He first said to Grandpa, "Do you want to sign up?" Grandpa replies, "Sign up for what?" Peanut shows him his starburst and says, "You can have it for a dollar." Grandpa laughed. So, Peanut tried his technique on Grandma. She did not buy it for buck. Then he offered it to Mommy who also did not buy but offered to take it as a gift. I found it funny that he named his price as the same price as a chocolate bar. But obviously, he has no concept of value.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
The end of the weekend
On Friday afternoon, I start thinking about what I wish to do over the weekend. (Ok, sometimes, I start thinking about that in the morning or the night before). 48 hours hardly seems sufficient to pack everything in. However, this weekend, I am quite pleased to reflect on having accomplished everything I intended to do...perhaps not all I SHOULD do, but all I intended.
Saturday Morning: My fiance found a flier at the library advertising free airplane rides for kids ages 8 to 17 and this saturday was the last day for this year. I called the number but never did get a phone call back. So, we decided we would go anyway and hope for the best. We did spend the better part of an hour driving around the airport in Blaine in order to finally find the way in. Thankfully, the pilot was still willing to take my oldest two kids up for a 23 minute flight.
What I find interesting is that this was free. Totally amazing! And my kids were so excited about it. But what really struck me was when my "New York" said to me, "I agree the kids are brave to go up but you are brave to let them." I never even gave it a second thought when we decided to pursue it. I figured it was an awesome opportunity and why not let them experience it. I suppose, if I had tried hard enough I could have found a thousand reasons or even just one, good reasons why NOT to let them go. Those thoughts actually didn't come to mind until they had safely landed. But I am glad that they had the chance to do it and I expressed my gratitude to the pilot many times for doing this. He said that he loves to do this and is happy to do it for free because he gets paid in smiles and hugs!
what an amazing attitude!
While the oldest two were in the air, New York, Pumpkin-head, Peanut and I strolled around the air museum and explored all sorts of grounded military vehicles. I took lots of cool pictures. A couple I think I may have to blow up to poster size and hang in their bedroom. Peanut really really wanted to go in the plane but he quickly got into the spirit of exploring the army trucks, bombs, and a cargo helicopter. We felt quite sneaky opening doors and letting the kids climb in but no one ever told us not to, so we kept the experience very hands on. This would never happen at a big museum so it was an awesome experience for the boys. They talked about it all day.
Saturday afternoon: I scrapbooked for over an hour in relative peace, and stopped because i decided I wanted to stop. Usually I am interupted and have to quit. So I enjoyed being able to work for a while and stop when I was ready.
Later Saturday afternoon: We went to a kick-off BBQ for my church sunday school class. I met some new people and visited with old friends. The kids, of which I have no idea how many there were but it was MANY, ran around and played so nicely together. At one point in the evening, the hostess went down to the basement to check on the kids. There were over 10 kids down there. She came back and said, "I don't believe it but they are all quietly playing together...amazing!" It was bliss! Someone did remark that we have crossed over to a different phase. Years ago, the kids were babies and toddlers and thus the kids were always close by if not on our laps and now, they are off playing and we grown-ups can sit and visit kid-free.
I was so exhausted, I was asleep before 10pm! In fact, I fell asleep in the chair for a while, with the kitten sitting on my chest. She and I both went to bed at that point.
Sunday morning: worship at church. Followed by a Pig Roast and pot-luck lunch. I met new people and enjoyed fabulous food. I even baked bread. That is something I have only begun to do...actually prepare food rather than shortcutting and buying something to share. I was secretly tickled to watch people eat what I brought. It was Irish Soda Bread, by the way. And it was very good. I will have to make it again.
Sunday afternoon: the kids cleaned their rooms. My daughter actually rearranged her room and cleaned it real well. I worked in the garage. I sorted through winter clothes like jackets and snow pants. Then I swapped out summer clothes for fall/winter clothes and put them away in the drawers. I succeeded in cleaning the garage and organizing it enough that I can actually fit my van in it. The kids found the box with the Halloween costumes and were playing dress up. Peanut came over wearing a black wig with braids and saying "Look at me, I'm a girl. This is real girl hair...from a real girl." Much to my chagrin, they greeted the neighbor heartily while dressed as a crayon, an indian princess, a witch and a joker. I'm sure she got a kick out of it.
After this, I even got more of my scrapbook kingdom organized and cleared more floor space.
I really accomplished a lot in this 48 hour span. And now, I am going to fall into a blessed slumber before my head hits the pillow because I have worn myself out with these accomplishments. What I have learned is that with good planning, much can be accomplished. And strangley even though there were many things going on in short amount of time, I never felt rushed. I took my time and set my own pace and still got things done. hmmmm interesting!
Saturday Morning: My fiance found a flier at the library advertising free airplane rides for kids ages 8 to 17 and this saturday was the last day for this year. I called the number but never did get a phone call back. So, we decided we would go anyway and hope for the best. We did spend the better part of an hour driving around the airport in Blaine in order to finally find the way in. Thankfully, the pilot was still willing to take my oldest two kids up for a 23 minute flight.
What I find interesting is that this was free. Totally amazing! And my kids were so excited about it. But what really struck me was when my "New York" said to me, "I agree the kids are brave to go up but you are brave to let them." I never even gave it a second thought when we decided to pursue it. I figured it was an awesome opportunity and why not let them experience it. I suppose, if I had tried hard enough I could have found a thousand reasons or even just one, good reasons why NOT to let them go. Those thoughts actually didn't come to mind until they had safely landed. But I am glad that they had the chance to do it and I expressed my gratitude to the pilot many times for doing this. He said that he loves to do this and is happy to do it for free because he gets paid in smiles and hugs!
what an amazing attitude!
While the oldest two were in the air, New York, Pumpkin-head, Peanut and I strolled around the air museum and explored all sorts of grounded military vehicles. I took lots of cool pictures. A couple I think I may have to blow up to poster size and hang in their bedroom. Peanut really really wanted to go in the plane but he quickly got into the spirit of exploring the army trucks, bombs, and a cargo helicopter. We felt quite sneaky opening doors and letting the kids climb in but no one ever told us not to, so we kept the experience very hands on. This would never happen at a big museum so it was an awesome experience for the boys. They talked about it all day.
Saturday afternoon: I scrapbooked for over an hour in relative peace, and stopped because i decided I wanted to stop. Usually I am interupted and have to quit. So I enjoyed being able to work for a while and stop when I was ready.
Later Saturday afternoon: We went to a kick-off BBQ for my church sunday school class. I met some new people and visited with old friends. The kids, of which I have no idea how many there were but it was MANY, ran around and played so nicely together. At one point in the evening, the hostess went down to the basement to check on the kids. There were over 10 kids down there. She came back and said, "I don't believe it but they are all quietly playing together...amazing!" It was bliss! Someone did remark that we have crossed over to a different phase. Years ago, the kids were babies and toddlers and thus the kids were always close by if not on our laps and now, they are off playing and we grown-ups can sit and visit kid-free.
I was so exhausted, I was asleep before 10pm! In fact, I fell asleep in the chair for a while, with the kitten sitting on my chest. She and I both went to bed at that point.
Sunday morning: worship at church. Followed by a Pig Roast and pot-luck lunch. I met new people and enjoyed fabulous food. I even baked bread. That is something I have only begun to do...actually prepare food rather than shortcutting and buying something to share. I was secretly tickled to watch people eat what I brought. It was Irish Soda Bread, by the way. And it was very good. I will have to make it again.
Sunday afternoon: the kids cleaned their rooms. My daughter actually rearranged her room and cleaned it real well. I worked in the garage. I sorted through winter clothes like jackets and snow pants. Then I swapped out summer clothes for fall/winter clothes and put them away in the drawers. I succeeded in cleaning the garage and organizing it enough that I can actually fit my van in it. The kids found the box with the Halloween costumes and were playing dress up. Peanut came over wearing a black wig with braids and saying "Look at me, I'm a girl. This is real girl hair...from a real girl." Much to my chagrin, they greeted the neighbor heartily while dressed as a crayon, an indian princess, a witch and a joker. I'm sure she got a kick out of it.
After this, I even got more of my scrapbook kingdom organized and cleared more floor space.
I really accomplished a lot in this 48 hour span. And now, I am going to fall into a blessed slumber before my head hits the pillow because I have worn myself out with these accomplishments. What I have learned is that with good planning, much can be accomplished. And strangley even though there were many things going on in short amount of time, I never felt rushed. I took my time and set my own pace and still got things done. hmmmm interesting!
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
The End of Summer
Yesterday, I put 3 out of 4 kids onto the school bus for the first day of school. It was no one's "first day of school ever" so I was calm, cool and collected and took some very cute pictures. I also took the day off in order to see them off to school and then when they got home and to be quite honest, to have a few hours of peace and quiet all to myself.
Right now, I am listening to Sara Groves "Conversations" and it is putting me in a very reflective mood. I also read a friend's blog and feel inspired to compose a couple of lists about things I am thinking about... or pondering, treasuring in my heart whichever it may be at the moment.
Tulip Mom's List of Summer Highlights:
1. Moving to a new home, from an apartment to a house!
2. Sitting on my deck, watching the trees rustle and feeling the breeze on my face.
3. Watching my 6 year old learn to swim underwater at the lake.
4. Watching my 4.5 year old dance.
5. Thunder and lightning.
6. Watching fireworks with my kids, especially Peanut because it was his first time.
7. the smell of fresh rain
8. The downy woodpecker on the dead tree and the day Peanut decided it was HIS woodpecker and it was named "Sizzlie"
9. Our new kitten
10. going to lunch with co-workers
11. Standing on the deck, at my post, while my fiance attempted to chase a bat out of the house
12. Finding a mouse in the bathtub and catching it in a can.
13. The sound of tree frogs
14. My daughter's "creature" container which has captured a tree frog, a "golden" dragon fly, a mosquito.
15. Ant farms and cricket castles
16. Biking to the library
17. Inviting friends over for dinner
18. scrapbooking
19. taking pictures of my kids
20. bringing a co-worker home during lunch because we were in the neighborhood and finding my kids jumping in the mud/creek bed and having her laugh about it all afternoon
21. going to Bunker Beach and riding water slides with my oldest 2 kids for the first time
22. Jumping in the waves with my 6 year old and 4 year old
23. Backyard BBQ's
24. Sorting school supplies and writing names on everything
25. On the first day of school: Pumpkin-head (6 year old 1st grader) saying "I thought about my classroom number all night...102, 102, 102..."
26. Coming home to a completely empty house after kids go to school, Peanut goes to daycare and just sitting in my favorite chair and reading a book for a peaceful hour
27. Joining weight watchers and losing 7.2 lbs
28. Getting a call from the nurse on the first day of school to say that Banana Boy fainted during lunch.
29. Painting and decorating kids bedrooms and hearing them say, "I LOVE my room"
30. a clean kitchen counter
31. the taste of a cold glass of iced tea
Right now, I am listening to Sara Groves "Conversations" and it is putting me in a very reflective mood. I also read a friend's blog and feel inspired to compose a couple of lists about things I am thinking about... or pondering, treasuring in my heart whichever it may be at the moment.
Tulip Mom's List of Summer Highlights:
1. Moving to a new home, from an apartment to a house!
2. Sitting on my deck, watching the trees rustle and feeling the breeze on my face.
3. Watching my 6 year old learn to swim underwater at the lake.
4. Watching my 4.5 year old dance.
5. Thunder and lightning.
6. Watching fireworks with my kids, especially Peanut because it was his first time.
7. the smell of fresh rain
8. The downy woodpecker on the dead tree and the day Peanut decided it was HIS woodpecker and it was named "Sizzlie"
9. Our new kitten
10. going to lunch with co-workers
11. Standing on the deck, at my post, while my fiance attempted to chase a bat out of the house
12. Finding a mouse in the bathtub and catching it in a can.
13. The sound of tree frogs
14. My daughter's "creature" container which has captured a tree frog, a "golden" dragon fly, a mosquito.
15. Ant farms and cricket castles
16. Biking to the library
17. Inviting friends over for dinner
18. scrapbooking
19. taking pictures of my kids
20. bringing a co-worker home during lunch because we were in the neighborhood and finding my kids jumping in the mud/creek bed and having her laugh about it all afternoon
21. going to Bunker Beach and riding water slides with my oldest 2 kids for the first time
22. Jumping in the waves with my 6 year old and 4 year old
23. Backyard BBQ's
24. Sorting school supplies and writing names on everything
25. On the first day of school: Pumpkin-head (6 year old 1st grader) saying "I thought about my classroom number all night...102, 102, 102..."
26. Coming home to a completely empty house after kids go to school, Peanut goes to daycare and just sitting in my favorite chair and reading a book for a peaceful hour
27. Joining weight watchers and losing 7.2 lbs
28. Getting a call from the nurse on the first day of school to say that Banana Boy fainted during lunch.
29. Painting and decorating kids bedrooms and hearing them say, "I LOVE my room"
30. a clean kitchen counter
31. the taste of a cold glass of iced tea
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Gossip
I have recently increased my awareness of gossip and just how rampant it is. This past week, I was an active player in a situation that was ripe for the gossip grapevine. And thanks to some very wise counsel, I was prepared for the "well-meaning" concern and questions people had for me.
Someone in the office had a medication reaction and I was asked to make an assessment and determine what the next step should be. I was proud to be asked to do this and that my opinion was valued in this manner. I made my assessment and the person went to the hospital and consequently was out for about a week.
My supervisor is very saavy and wise to the goings-on in the office and was very sensitive to how "tongues wag". She left me a voice-mail and cautioned me that people might ask me what happened but I needed to respect the person's privacy and offer no information other than the person "didn't feel well".
For several days, i was expecting someone to ask me what happened. Nobody did. Whew! I was prepared but didn't need to use my preparation. Then I was driving with a coworker to an appointment when out of the blue, I was asked, "So, were you here when so-and-so went off on so-and-so....I heard that ..........."
Whoa!
In my head, warning bells were going off, sort of like that loud buzzer when security has been breached in a movie....but I heard "GOSSIP....GOSSIP....GOSSIP" in my head. I quietly, listened while taking a deep breath. I had the tantilizing information my companion wanted. It was a really strong temptation. Truly, the information that came to me in this conversation was new to me so I could honestly say, "I had not heard that."
But my heart was not content to just dismiss this attempt to gossip. So, I said, "I don't know what happened and I guess it really is her story to share, if she wants to." And with that, the conversation shifted to another topic.
It made me think about how many times I have been in a conversation like this and have not been made aware ahead of time that the tempation to gossip was coming, and I have succumbed. I don't think I can ever do that again without thinking about this scenario I experience and realizing that the power I had was to either further the rumor-mill and contribute to malicious gossip or I could protect the privacy of the other party as best I could and keep the information under my hat.
I hope that I can continue to grow in this area.
Someone in the office had a medication reaction and I was asked to make an assessment and determine what the next step should be. I was proud to be asked to do this and that my opinion was valued in this manner. I made my assessment and the person went to the hospital and consequently was out for about a week.
My supervisor is very saavy and wise to the goings-on in the office and was very sensitive to how "tongues wag". She left me a voice-mail and cautioned me that people might ask me what happened but I needed to respect the person's privacy and offer no information other than the person "didn't feel well".
For several days, i was expecting someone to ask me what happened. Nobody did. Whew! I was prepared but didn't need to use my preparation. Then I was driving with a coworker to an appointment when out of the blue, I was asked, "So, were you here when so-and-so went off on so-and-so....I heard that ..........."
Whoa!
In my head, warning bells were going off, sort of like that loud buzzer when security has been breached in a movie....but I heard "GOSSIP....GOSSIP....GOSSIP" in my head. I quietly, listened while taking a deep breath. I had the tantilizing information my companion wanted. It was a really strong temptation. Truly, the information that came to me in this conversation was new to me so I could honestly say, "I had not heard that."
But my heart was not content to just dismiss this attempt to gossip. So, I said, "I don't know what happened and I guess it really is her story to share, if she wants to." And with that, the conversation shifted to another topic.
It made me think about how many times I have been in a conversation like this and have not been made aware ahead of time that the tempation to gossip was coming, and I have succumbed. I don't think I can ever do that again without thinking about this scenario I experience and realizing that the power I had was to either further the rumor-mill and contribute to malicious gossip or I could protect the privacy of the other party as best I could and keep the information under my hat.
I hope that I can continue to grow in this area.
Out of the Loop
This is how I felt all week. Out of the Loop. Important decisions that impacted my job and all that I do at work were made around me and I was the last to know. Very frustrating.
I took two days of vacation last week and then I had a mandatory training on Monday so I was out of the office for 3 work days. Needless to say, coming to work on Tuesday morning was a rather frantic affair. And if my head was not already spinning with all the I had to try and fit in, my sitter called and said my 8 yo was throwing up and needed to be picked up right away. I had 6 client visits booked, 3 meetings and 12 phone calls to return. And then, I learn of the plans laid for my job.
There are now 2 mental health nurses working for the county. I work in the north office, she works in the southern office. but there are 3 teams. I have clients on all 3 teams. I was curious how we were going to divide the work load. I had already discussed my ideas with my supervisor. But all of a sudden I get calls from case managers saying that they are going to refer their clients to another organization for skilled nursing.
I was scratching my head, trying to figure it all out. I am not really upset by the changes. In fact, I am fine with it because it will help free up time for me to do some of the things I would like to do like going out with the intake team and making assessments of new referrals and being able to bring the medical component to the full picture of each client. What I am bothered by is the way that these changes were made and the lack of information I was given.
But, by the end of the week, I got over it. And I did survive the chaos. My fiance' was able to pick up my boys, one was already home because he had a fever, and then one threw up and one looked like he might, but never did. I was able to meet with the clients I needed to or schedule them for the next day. All things got finished and the time went by very fast.
If this is how it is after I take 2 days vacation, what is it going to be like if I take a week? I shudder at the thought but having a week off sounds positively divine.
Another blessing occured at the end of the week. I had my clincial supervision with a psychologist. It's like "work therapy". And she was really good at helping me sort out my head in light of all these changes and she has really given me a lot of positive feedback and direction for my role on the teams I am on. I went home on Friday, feeling less burdened and more ready to face the next challenges and hopefully, I will find a way to better stay in the loop.
I took two days of vacation last week and then I had a mandatory training on Monday so I was out of the office for 3 work days. Needless to say, coming to work on Tuesday morning was a rather frantic affair. And if my head was not already spinning with all the I had to try and fit in, my sitter called and said my 8 yo was throwing up and needed to be picked up right away. I had 6 client visits booked, 3 meetings and 12 phone calls to return. And then, I learn of the plans laid for my job.
There are now 2 mental health nurses working for the county. I work in the north office, she works in the southern office. but there are 3 teams. I have clients on all 3 teams. I was curious how we were going to divide the work load. I had already discussed my ideas with my supervisor. But all of a sudden I get calls from case managers saying that they are going to refer their clients to another organization for skilled nursing.
I was scratching my head, trying to figure it all out. I am not really upset by the changes. In fact, I am fine with it because it will help free up time for me to do some of the things I would like to do like going out with the intake team and making assessments of new referrals and being able to bring the medical component to the full picture of each client. What I am bothered by is the way that these changes were made and the lack of information I was given.
But, by the end of the week, I got over it. And I did survive the chaos. My fiance' was able to pick up my boys, one was already home because he had a fever, and then one threw up and one looked like he might, but never did. I was able to meet with the clients I needed to or schedule them for the next day. All things got finished and the time went by very fast.
If this is how it is after I take 2 days vacation, what is it going to be like if I take a week? I shudder at the thought but having a week off sounds positively divine.
Another blessing occured at the end of the week. I had my clincial supervision with a psychologist. It's like "work therapy". And she was really good at helping me sort out my head in light of all these changes and she has really given me a lot of positive feedback and direction for my role on the teams I am on. I went home on Friday, feeling less burdened and more ready to face the next challenges and hopefully, I will find a way to better stay in the loop.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
A Tragedy in my own backyard...
Sheepishly, I will confess that I had NO CLUE about the collapse of the I35 bridge over the Mississippi that occurred last night. I can blame the fact that I do not have TV reception and thus I am out of the loop. But when I heard about it while driving in to work this morning, my heart was no less broken than had I heard the news last night or watched the live feed coming across the air waves. In some ways, I am rather glad I didn't watch the news. I have been able to digest and process the horrible tragedy at my own pace and in my own way.
I have driven over that bridge more times than I can count. And I have never once felt in danger. I imagine that people on their way home last night didn't give it a second thought either and then they hit the water. To me, as I discussed it with my fiance, it was rather a poignant illustration of living by faith. I just trust that the corp of engineers that designed this bridge and the numerous folks that have had a part in its repair, know what they are doing. And I blindly assume when I am driving down any road, I am fairly safe in terms of the asphalt or concrete beneath me, barring the phenomenon of "pot holes" and I am more wary of my cohorts driving along with me.
I was more suspicious and cautious today then I have been in a long time. I drove over several bridges and overpasses today and that thought crossed my mind more times than I care to count. IN my discussion with my fiance, New York, we discussed that life is fragile and we don't know when we are going to go. But we both feel like we have more work to do on this earth, but if the Lord called us, we would certainly go willingly and happily to heaven. I am grateful for that assurance at least as I ponder life's uncertainties.
I think what I am most humbled by today is that while this tragedy was unfolding, unbeknownst to me, I was focused upon my own pain and suffering. I will say that I have good reason to be focused on that. Today marks the 5 year anniversary of the day my marriage blew apart and my life changed completely. I was grieving last night. I was ruminating in my head about a friendship that while it is not ending, it has changed and we have moved on and out of each other's lives. I realized this when she hadn't told me until I called her a few weeks ago, that she was very pregnant with her #4. I was a little sad that I didn't get a phone call with that bit of news. And then I realized that when I got engaged a few weeks ago, I did not call her but told her in an email, to which she never replied. These are big signs that this friendship is not on the forefronts of our lives. I was saddened by the realization but at the same time, I was thankful that this friendship has seen me through some of the toughest times in my life and when I really needed a friend, she was there. And now that chapter has closed.
This frame of mind then sent me down the path of my marriage and my former spouse. I have held on to pain for a long time and have slowly let it go. Five years is a monumental milestone. I have come a long way. I have grown and changed in ways I would never have forseen. My life has a richness that it would not have had if I had not gone through the sorrow I did. What was making me the most sad was that I still have many questions that have no answers. The biggest one being "Why?". But as I let my mind and my mouth ramble and gush out all the thoughts that have been lurking, I realized that I have made it this far without answers and I can make it the rest of my life without answers to some of those questions. And some of my questions may not even be mine to ask. So, I feel more settled, albeit a little raw emotionally, and I feel like I have made peace with part of my past.
Then I hear about the bridge. I hung my head and wept. My pain, while 5 years ago was very real, very deep and I felt like I had been ripped apart, today is not so difficult. I have healed but I still have scars adn I still have aches. But there are families in Minneapolis and St. Paul that today are in very real, gut-wrenching, heart breaking pain. I needed that splash of cold water on my face.
I have driven over that bridge more times than I can count. And I have never once felt in danger. I imagine that people on their way home last night didn't give it a second thought either and then they hit the water. To me, as I discussed it with my fiance, it was rather a poignant illustration of living by faith. I just trust that the corp of engineers that designed this bridge and the numerous folks that have had a part in its repair, know what they are doing. And I blindly assume when I am driving down any road, I am fairly safe in terms of the asphalt or concrete beneath me, barring the phenomenon of "pot holes" and I am more wary of my cohorts driving along with me.
I was more suspicious and cautious today then I have been in a long time. I drove over several bridges and overpasses today and that thought crossed my mind more times than I care to count. IN my discussion with my fiance, New York, we discussed that life is fragile and we don't know when we are going to go. But we both feel like we have more work to do on this earth, but if the Lord called us, we would certainly go willingly and happily to heaven. I am grateful for that assurance at least as I ponder life's uncertainties.
I think what I am most humbled by today is that while this tragedy was unfolding, unbeknownst to me, I was focused upon my own pain and suffering. I will say that I have good reason to be focused on that. Today marks the 5 year anniversary of the day my marriage blew apart and my life changed completely. I was grieving last night. I was ruminating in my head about a friendship that while it is not ending, it has changed and we have moved on and out of each other's lives. I realized this when she hadn't told me until I called her a few weeks ago, that she was very pregnant with her #4. I was a little sad that I didn't get a phone call with that bit of news. And then I realized that when I got engaged a few weeks ago, I did not call her but told her in an email, to which she never replied. These are big signs that this friendship is not on the forefronts of our lives. I was saddened by the realization but at the same time, I was thankful that this friendship has seen me through some of the toughest times in my life and when I really needed a friend, she was there. And now that chapter has closed.
This frame of mind then sent me down the path of my marriage and my former spouse. I have held on to pain for a long time and have slowly let it go. Five years is a monumental milestone. I have come a long way. I have grown and changed in ways I would never have forseen. My life has a richness that it would not have had if I had not gone through the sorrow I did. What was making me the most sad was that I still have many questions that have no answers. The biggest one being "Why?". But as I let my mind and my mouth ramble and gush out all the thoughts that have been lurking, I realized that I have made it this far without answers and I can make it the rest of my life without answers to some of those questions. And some of my questions may not even be mine to ask. So, I feel more settled, albeit a little raw emotionally, and I feel like I have made peace with part of my past.
Then I hear about the bridge. I hung my head and wept. My pain, while 5 years ago was very real, very deep and I felt like I had been ripped apart, today is not so difficult. I have healed but I still have scars adn I still have aches. But there are families in Minneapolis and St. Paul that today are in very real, gut-wrenching, heart breaking pain. I needed that splash of cold water on my face.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)