Every year at this time, my oldest son BB goes through a really rough time. It manifests itself in bad behaviors and a nasty attitude that can last for weeks. I have decided it is like a storm. I can see the clouds gathering and hear the thunder rolling but I can't tell when the storm will break but I am praying it breaks soon because I can't stand the waiting.
In some ways, this year has been the worst. For the past month, BB has been getting more and more belligerent and angry. He has been moody and sometimes very mean to everyone in our family but has directed most of his anger towards me. I have wracked my brain, trying to figure out how I can get a handle on him. I'm tired of being back-talked to and hearing his nasty remarks and rude comments and sometimes, he just does his very best to annoy everyone until they start yelling in frustration and he will continue with a wicked grin on his face. It is scary. And it is not like him to be like this, nor for so long.
It really came to a head on Wednesday this week. He was waiting his turn to go on the computer but the website he likes was not loading fast enough and suddenly, he just hit a complete meltdown and started screaming. I decided that computer time was over. The screaming got worse. At one point he was sitting in a corner by the stairs, screaming at the top of his lungs and had this wild look on his face. I took him to my room and tried to help him calm down by rubbing his back and talking softly to him. But as soon as I mentioned the computer again, he would start again with the screaming and flying off into this rage. He shoved a box of pictures down the stairs, continued to scream. Then he rushed me and tried to knock me down and began to scratch my arm.
I left him alone and read our book to the other kids. During this time, he went downstairs and broke apart my lamp and shattered a clock radio. Then he sat and watched TV for a while and only then did he calm down and relax. One of the things he said during this time was how I take everything away from him. This was my first clue.
The next night, the boys stayed up all night for another Lego party. When I got up in the morning, and saw them playing, I told them to gather all the legos and I told them the legos were now going to be gone for a while. The next morning was Saturday, and BB and PH, while the rest of us were downstairs, climbed up in my closet and got the legos down. So, when I went to confront them and take the legos back, BB flew into another rage. I figured that it was time to duke this out.
I listened to what BB was saying and gathered clues and what came out of the conversation was that BB sort of blames me for taking him away from his father. He believes that our life would be better if we were back in TX and that all our problems would go away if we moved back. I think there is a possibility that BB may think that if we were back in TX his father would not be in prison and our family would be together.
So, I followed this hunch and put my arms around my son and asked him outright if he believes that I took his father away. He looked away but sort of nodded. I looked him in the eye and said, "I think that I should tell you the story of what happened." So, I told him in terms a 9 year old can comprehend the events that lead up to our leaving TX and told him that our life in TX ended and we began a new life in MN 6 years ago. I also explained that I will not ever be everything two parents can be but I will be the best Mom I can be.
I made a decision 6 years ago that I would be honest with my kids about what happened and about what their father did. I do not want to vilify their father and bad-mouth him however, their father is not a safe person and he is not a good father. And it is my belief that he will not ever be trustworthy or safe. One day, my children will discover that on their own and I will be there to help them pick up the pieces when he breaks their hearts. Right now, my job is to protect them from him as much as possible. However, what I am realizing is that BB has this fantasy father in his head and it is now interfering with his ability to move forward. So, perhaps, the healthiest thing for me to do is to describe the true characteristics about his father and help him to come to an understanding that his father is not as perfect as he has believed.
The whole time I talked to BB, he was snuggled down deep in my arms. I think he is still thinking it through and processing it but I have noticed that the dark cloud has lifted a bit. His attitude has been better today, until bedtime when he tried to be annoying, but that could be due to being tired and testing the boundaries.
BB is my heartbreak kid. One thing I told him on Saturday, and I do hope this sticks with him, is that I fought for him, for Princess, for PH and and unborn Peanut 6 years ago. I did the hardest thing I have ever done and began walking down a road that has been extremely difficult in order to protect my children from someone who proved himself to be a dangerous person, sadly he was my husband and their father, and what I told BB is that I everything I did then and continue to do now is to protect him and his siblings. And it is my responsibility alone to raise him up to adulthood and he may not like what I do and the decisions I make, but it is all with the intent of doing what is in the best interest of each child.
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