It's the theme of my life. And I believe it is the message that God is trying to drill into my head. "Sit still and wait. Be patient. It's for your own good...for your growth and your protection."
But it is so hard. I live in a culture of "Got to have it now" and I have realized that I buy into that very often, even though I know I need to, in the words of Monty Python, "Run away....run away..."
I am in this Bible study by Beth Moore called Stepping Up. She is going through the Psalms of Ascent. I have been absolutely amazed. First of all, let me say that I really had NO INTENTION of joining the Bible study this spring. But I was walking past the sign up booth and saw my friend from the fall and the next thing I know, I am walking over there...Actually, spiritually Yanked is more like it. I did not go there of my own volition. And suddenly, I am signing up and parting with $20 for the book. Then the next thing I know, Vicky asks me, "You mentioned on your evaluation that you would be interested in being a Bible Study leader. We need one. Are you still interested?" The word flew out of my mouth before I could stop it..."Yes, I would."
WHAT???? 10 minutes ago, I wasn't going to sign up and now I'm going to be a leader? Lord, what are you doing?
"I'm giving you a push."
OK. But I don't understand and I am not sure that I am ready but since You are obviously leading me...perhaps leading by a kick in the pants, but still...then You have a plan and I will go with it. I will submit.
I have been blessed. I have been amazed. And I do not regret it for a minute. I will be sad when it is over.
What I have learned from Beth is to spend some time "on my face" before the Lord. I have never done that before while praying. I felt silly at first when I laid down on my bathroom floor. It was a room I could lock and have no prying eyes see me...and it was also 6:30am so the likelihood of being caught was slim as well.
After I got over the jitters and the feeling silly about it, I have felt a compulsion at times to get down on the floor, flat on my face and pray. And sometimes, I just listen. One day, I was really struggling with an issue that has been a common struggle for me for many years. I keep fighting the same battle and it seems like every time I gain a little ground, I slide right back down. So, I got down on my face and I really did not care who came in and found me, and I asked the Lord to speak to me and tell me what He wanted me to do.
I'm still puzzled by his answer. I am still struggling with it. But it is becoming more and more apparent that He is calling me to be obedient and to take a big leap of faith and put my trust in Him even when it doesn't make sense. I will admit that I am scared. I just cannot wrap my finite brain around how He could possibly work this out. But a part of me is tugging on my shirt tail saying, "Just try it...see what happens. What do you have to lose?"
I guess I should title this more along the lines of a call to obedience instead of waiting. But sometimes when I write, I start on one thought and travel down a completely different path. But that is OK, it was the path I needed to explore.
The question I am asking myself is "What am I waiting for?" as I heed the call to obedience. The Lord could not make it any plainer. I don't think my fear will go away until I jump in with both feet. Am I waiting for it to make sense? It may not make sense until I walk through it and look back. Faith is very much like that. I am thinking of that game I used to play in the pool, Marco Polo, where one person is blindfolded and calls out "Marco" and the others call out "Polo" and you try to catch them by walking toward the sound of their voice. Except that God is not trying to evade being caught but He does want me to listen to the sound of His voice and walk towards it, trusting Him as I do.
It's an interesting position I find myself in. I'm about to put that blindfold on and walk out into the pool, not knowing what I will find but knowing that the Lord will be there answering me when I cry "Marco...".
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Tiger is a Mama of Five
Every new Mom needs to tell her story. This is Tiger's:
I have been very tired lately, just laying around a lot. I haven't even felt like sitting in the windows, watching the birds and the cars go by. I just want to lay in the dark, quiet places; under the table or under the beds. This morning, I woke up from my early morning nap and something felt different. I stood in the hallway, staring into space, wondering what was going on. My humans left for church and I went looking for a dark, quiet place to lay down. I found the big, soft bed of my Chief Human in Charge of Food and Water (she is also in charge of the smaller humans). I snuggled down under the quilt. It was so dark and warm.
But I couldn't sleep. My tummy started hurting real bad and things got real wet but I couldn't leave this spot. I really don't know what is going on. I began to push hard and instinct took over. I didn't think at all. One by one, these little lumps fell out. I cleaned them off and laid back down to push out another. There were 5 of them.
After a while, Chief Human in Charge of Food and Water, layed down on her bed and kicked me. I yelled out, but I am so tired, that it was not really loud. She heard me and pulled back the blanket. She got real excited and said something about "Kittens". I don't know what that means except that she used to call me her kitten.
I looked around and saw there were these squirmy, little things and they were climbing all over me making this squeaky noise. I weakly yelled, "What do you want from me? What are you?"
Something latched on to a nipple. OUCH!! But the squeaking stopped. Hmmm. Interesting.
Chief Human picked me up and put me in a box. I yelled, "I don't know what those things are...but they are mine... and I must stay with them and make the squeaking stop!" And I jumped out of the box and back on to the bed. Then Chief Human carried the little squirmy squeakers to the box and once they were all in there, then I laid down in the box with them. All five of them found a nipple and stopped squeaking. They are really kind of cute. They seem to need me and I seem to need them. I feel so compelled to just lay here and take care of them, to protect them and lick them clean. Maybe that is what Chief Human meant. These are kittens. My kittens.
I have been very tired lately, just laying around a lot. I haven't even felt like sitting in the windows, watching the birds and the cars go by. I just want to lay in the dark, quiet places; under the table or under the beds. This morning, I woke up from my early morning nap and something felt different. I stood in the hallway, staring into space, wondering what was going on. My humans left for church and I went looking for a dark, quiet place to lay down. I found the big, soft bed of my Chief Human in Charge of Food and Water (she is also in charge of the smaller humans). I snuggled down under the quilt. It was so dark and warm.
But I couldn't sleep. My tummy started hurting real bad and things got real wet but I couldn't leave this spot. I really don't know what is going on. I began to push hard and instinct took over. I didn't think at all. One by one, these little lumps fell out. I cleaned them off and laid back down to push out another. There were 5 of them.
After a while, Chief Human in Charge of Food and Water, layed down on her bed and kicked me. I yelled out, but I am so tired, that it was not really loud. She heard me and pulled back the blanket. She got real excited and said something about "Kittens". I don't know what that means except that she used to call me her kitten.
I looked around and saw there were these squirmy, little things and they were climbing all over me making this squeaky noise. I weakly yelled, "What do you want from me? What are you?"
Something latched on to a nipple. OUCH!! But the squeaking stopped. Hmmm. Interesting.
Chief Human picked me up and put me in a box. I yelled, "I don't know what those things are...but they are mine... and I must stay with them and make the squeaking stop!" And I jumped out of the box and back on to the bed. Then Chief Human carried the little squirmy squeakers to the box and once they were all in there, then I laid down in the box with them. All five of them found a nipple and stopped squeaking. They are really kind of cute. They seem to need me and I seem to need them. I feel so compelled to just lay here and take care of them, to protect them and lick them clean. Maybe that is what Chief Human meant. These are kittens. My kittens.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Update on a few things...Mixed bag
Ironic statement: I tell my daughter not to give up while looking for the house key. But I am ready to throw in the proverbial towel in regards to my son who is pushing limits and my buttons. Ouch. No need for anyone to point out that to me...I read over my post and felt immediate conviction that I must find a way to push through.
I think I have. After another evening of arguments, backtalking, bullying of his little brother, I called BB to me and explained that his behavior is completely intolerable. I asked him if there is something going on inside him that he is bothered by and that he would like to talk about. He said he could not think of anything. Then I told him that as a consequence for his mouthy behavior and rotten attitude he would be spending at least the next day inside and that could be extended if his stinky attitude continued.
On Friday afternoon, I called home to talk to the kids and he told me that he was changing his attitude. And for the most part, he had. He was much more pleasant and less mouthy. I told him I would refrain from deciding about extending his grounding through Saturday until Saturday morning. I want the kids to do some cleaning up before they go play, so I will see how his change in attitude continues before issuing a verdict.
This particular consequence seems to work best for him. That and missing out on other activities. Last year, he missed out on going to the State Fair. He still talks about that and he is really looking forward to going this year.
Princess and the Key:
While we were settling down for bed, she says, "Mom, I think I might know where the key is..." She is going to look for it first thing on Saturday morning. This was a good opportunity to explain how sometimes when we get upset, we don't always think very clearly and when we relax, we may remember things we had forgotten.
I still think that this stage of parenting...which is kind of like being a Life Coach is really becoming my favorite.
I think I have. After another evening of arguments, backtalking, bullying of his little brother, I called BB to me and explained that his behavior is completely intolerable. I asked him if there is something going on inside him that he is bothered by and that he would like to talk about. He said he could not think of anything. Then I told him that as a consequence for his mouthy behavior and rotten attitude he would be spending at least the next day inside and that could be extended if his stinky attitude continued.
On Friday afternoon, I called home to talk to the kids and he told me that he was changing his attitude. And for the most part, he had. He was much more pleasant and less mouthy. I told him I would refrain from deciding about extending his grounding through Saturday until Saturday morning. I want the kids to do some cleaning up before they go play, so I will see how his change in attitude continues before issuing a verdict.
This particular consequence seems to work best for him. That and missing out on other activities. Last year, he missed out on going to the State Fair. He still talks about that and he is really looking forward to going this year.
Princess and the Key:
While we were settling down for bed, she says, "Mom, I think I might know where the key is..." She is going to look for it first thing on Saturday morning. This was a good opportunity to explain how sometimes when we get upset, we don't always think very clearly and when we relax, we may remember things we had forgotten.
I still think that this stage of parenting...which is kind of like being a Life Coach is really becoming my favorite.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Son, don't get me started...
Yesterday, it was not a good day to be my children. It was a frustrating day to be a mom. I came home and learned that my dear daughter, keeper of the extra house key and locker of the door, had lost the housekey...A week and a half ago...and had only now told me! And the front door can only be locked from the outside WITH a key. This means that my children have been going to school and leaving the house unlocked...for a week and a half. Fortunately, we live on a very quiet side street with seemingly very nice and decent neighbors who are not home during the day to notice this. But it still made me very angry at the thought of what all could have happened.
Princess, you need to look for the key.
"But I don't know where it is."
So you will have to pull yourself up off the couch and start looking for it. The key is not going to find itself. (I mentally slap myself on the head because that little statement right there sounds just like something my mother has said to me but it doesn't stop me...I'm on a parental roll). You might even find that if you start to clean things up, you may find the key.
Princess puts on a pout, tears welling up in her eyes. She spends about 4 3/4 minutes looking in the living room and plops back down.
Did you find the key?
"No."
Well, you can't quit just because you couldn't find it after less than 5 minutes of looking. Look everywhere. Even in the places you think it could not possibly be. Start in your room.
Now she plops down on the stairs, props her chin on her fists, with her elbows on her knees with more tears.
"I can't do it. I can't find it."
Here we go... Lecture mode is kicking in. I can't seem to stop it. It's flying out of my mouth. I am frustrated, angry and very disappointed.
Princess, you don't seem to understand how bad this is that you lost the key. You were responsible for it. You were responsible for locking the door every day. And you didn't tell me for over a week that the key was missing. You may as well have just flung open the front door and announced to the world that our house was wide open and our stuff was free for the taking. I trusted you to lock up the house and I trusted you to come to me first when you can't do what I am expecting you to do. And now, you want to quit because it seems too hard. You need to march upstairs to your room NOW and start looking and you will not quit until that key is found. DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?
Now the pout grows legs and she stomps up the stairs, arms crossed, sobbing like she lost her best friend and muttering under her breath. But she has to understand that this IS a big deal. And she can't just quit because it gets hard. And I cannot let her off the hook or she will not learn to respect the responsibility that I put upon her, nor will I trust her with more responsibility. It's a tough lesson. It was painful for both of us. I don't like to make her cry. But sometimes, that is what must happen for learning to take place.
Now enter The Boys. I begin to tell them that this key needs to be found and that I want them to stop what they are doing and help out by searching for the key. BB pipes in, "I don't know what it looks like. I have never seen it.
I think he thinks this will get him off the hook for looking. He is wrong. But he has begun to draw a line in the sand and there is another battle brewing in front of me but I didn't see it until it was too late.
BB, please head upstairs and look for a key on a butterfly keychain.
"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr" followed by a complete disregard for my instruction and he continues to work on his drawing.
BB, you heard what I said, now march upstairs and do what you are told.
"GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR" and more ignoring.
Pretty soon, I am at my complete wits end and I am yelling. He is acting like a stubborn mule, refusing to move or do anything I say. And I am at a complete loss for what to do. He does not respond in the same way as the others do to the type of correction I use. A sharp tone just makes him more stubborn. A spanking makes him angry and act more like a caged animal that is cornered (it's a frightening thing, so I don't use spanking with any of my children any more). I am scared to send him to his room for time out because he can be so destructive. I really do not know what to do with him. Lately, he has begun to bully his little brother and even do things like shove him, slap him or just plain yell at him and tell him to go away, on top of his usual bossiness.
To be quite honest, I was so worn down that I just quit trying to get him to look for the key. I think this may be his strategy. He will be annoying and disrespectful to the point that I can't take it anymore and I quit trying. And he has won the battle. He got to do what he wanted which was what he was doing and he successfully avoided doing any work.
So, at dinner, his comment just about sent me running off the edge of the roof. I asked him to turn on the lamp in the dining room. He says, "I feel like I am a slave."
Ohhh hooo son. You are sooo wrong. You are not a slave. If anyone in this family is a slave, it is your mother. I work all day long. I come home and I work more. I do all the cooking, all the cleaning. I wash your clothes, clean your rooms, clean the house and make sure that you have everything you need to get to school. You have very little that is required of you. You are not a slave. It is not slavery for me to ask you to turn on a light so that we can see while we eat dinner. It is not slavery for me to ask you to clear the table or to pick up your clothes and toys or the garbage you throw on the floor. You are ungrateful, disrespectful and rude.
I am growing very weary of being argued with, being growled at and being disrespected. But I don't know what to do to change this attitude and these behaviors.
Princess, you need to look for the key.
"But I don't know where it is."
So you will have to pull yourself up off the couch and start looking for it. The key is not going to find itself. (I mentally slap myself on the head because that little statement right there sounds just like something my mother has said to me but it doesn't stop me...I'm on a parental roll). You might even find that if you start to clean things up, you may find the key.
Princess puts on a pout, tears welling up in her eyes. She spends about 4 3/4 minutes looking in the living room and plops back down.
Did you find the key?
"No."
Well, you can't quit just because you couldn't find it after less than 5 minutes of looking. Look everywhere. Even in the places you think it could not possibly be. Start in your room.
Now she plops down on the stairs, props her chin on her fists, with her elbows on her knees with more tears.
"I can't do it. I can't find it."
Here we go... Lecture mode is kicking in. I can't seem to stop it. It's flying out of my mouth. I am frustrated, angry and very disappointed.
Princess, you don't seem to understand how bad this is that you lost the key. You were responsible for it. You were responsible for locking the door every day. And you didn't tell me for over a week that the key was missing. You may as well have just flung open the front door and announced to the world that our house was wide open and our stuff was free for the taking. I trusted you to lock up the house and I trusted you to come to me first when you can't do what I am expecting you to do. And now, you want to quit because it seems too hard. You need to march upstairs to your room NOW and start looking and you will not quit until that key is found. DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?
Now the pout grows legs and she stomps up the stairs, arms crossed, sobbing like she lost her best friend and muttering under her breath. But she has to understand that this IS a big deal. And she can't just quit because it gets hard. And I cannot let her off the hook or she will not learn to respect the responsibility that I put upon her, nor will I trust her with more responsibility. It's a tough lesson. It was painful for both of us. I don't like to make her cry. But sometimes, that is what must happen for learning to take place.
Now enter The Boys. I begin to tell them that this key needs to be found and that I want them to stop what they are doing and help out by searching for the key. BB pipes in, "I don't know what it looks like. I have never seen it.
I think he thinks this will get him off the hook for looking. He is wrong. But he has begun to draw a line in the sand and there is another battle brewing in front of me but I didn't see it until it was too late.
BB, please head upstairs and look for a key on a butterfly keychain.
"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr" followed by a complete disregard for my instruction and he continues to work on his drawing.
BB, you heard what I said, now march upstairs and do what you are told.
"GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR" and more ignoring.
Pretty soon, I am at my complete wits end and I am yelling. He is acting like a stubborn mule, refusing to move or do anything I say. And I am at a complete loss for what to do. He does not respond in the same way as the others do to the type of correction I use. A sharp tone just makes him more stubborn. A spanking makes him angry and act more like a caged animal that is cornered (it's a frightening thing, so I don't use spanking with any of my children any more). I am scared to send him to his room for time out because he can be so destructive. I really do not know what to do with him. Lately, he has begun to bully his little brother and even do things like shove him, slap him or just plain yell at him and tell him to go away, on top of his usual bossiness.
To be quite honest, I was so worn down that I just quit trying to get him to look for the key. I think this may be his strategy. He will be annoying and disrespectful to the point that I can't take it anymore and I quit trying. And he has won the battle. He got to do what he wanted which was what he was doing and he successfully avoided doing any work.
So, at dinner, his comment just about sent me running off the edge of the roof. I asked him to turn on the lamp in the dining room. He says, "I feel like I am a slave."
Ohhh hooo son. You are sooo wrong. You are not a slave. If anyone in this family is a slave, it is your mother. I work all day long. I come home and I work more. I do all the cooking, all the cleaning. I wash your clothes, clean your rooms, clean the house and make sure that you have everything you need to get to school. You have very little that is required of you. You are not a slave. It is not slavery for me to ask you to turn on a light so that we can see while we eat dinner. It is not slavery for me to ask you to clear the table or to pick up your clothes and toys or the garbage you throw on the floor. You are ungrateful, disrespectful and rude.
I am growing very weary of being argued with, being growled at and being disrespected. But I don't know what to do to change this attitude and these behaviors.
Monday, May 12, 2008
More Funny Quotes
Kristi: (co-worker on one of my teams) I need to talk to Dan...
Derek: (co-worker on my other team) Well, he's more our team lead than yours...We have 51% share-holder in Dan.
Kristi: Ok, well, if you have 51% of Dan, then we claim 96% of Tulip as OUR nurse.
Tulip: I think that would be right technically anyway...since most of my clients are on your team.
It's so nice to be wanted!
Peanut says: Mommy, I have decided that I don't want to get big. I want to stay this size forever.
Derek: (co-worker on my other team) Well, he's more our team lead than yours...We have 51% share-holder in Dan.
Kristi: Ok, well, if you have 51% of Dan, then we claim 96% of Tulip as OUR nurse.
Tulip: I think that would be right technically anyway...since most of my clients are on your team.
It's so nice to be wanted!
Peanut says: Mommy, I have decided that I don't want to get big. I want to stay this size forever.
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