I did a lot of little projects today that have made me quite pleased. Sometimes, I think I need to have some accomplishments in order to prove to myself that I am indeed moving forward. So, I did some things that I have been meaning to do or been thinking about doing for some time but I have put off because of any of a hundred excuses.
My first project of the day was to repair a screen. This was not a put off project. This was one that needed to be dealt with ASAP. My little boys sliced the screen and then climbed out onto the roof in order to rescue a stuffed animal because they couldn't wait the 20 minutes it would be until I got back home. BB was the one who sliced the screen but the other two climbed through it, so I figure that makes them all guilty, and thus they would all pay for it. It's a good thing I have been giving them an allowance because they have some money and can feel this right away. BB was arguing with me that he would rather work it off than pay for it outright. He didn't want to part with any of his dollars but I told him depending on the cost, he would do both. I didn't have a clue how much a screen would cost. The other boys did not have much money left from their allowance but they also did not actually do the cutting so I figured they would pay what they had and it was fair. I had to do some explaining and reexplaining to PH at Home Depot when I gave his money to BB instead of the cashier...he insisted that the change BB got back from his $10 bill should then be divided. I got out a pen and paper and did the math. Tough but valuable lessons.
Then I put the screen on and BB did some appropriate cutting of the screen and put it back in the window. I think BB's stress level went down because he had been complaining that we should have taken care of this on Thursday (when PH had more money, I suspect). But once it was done and he still had some cash left over and was able to buy himself something, he was pretty happy.
I have some friends who have offered me a large TV and at some point, we will make arrangements to bring it over and get it set up. However, I have my other TV that is still fully functional, if you have a remote or a pencil with a good eraser. So, I decided that I would move this one upstairs to my loft area but in order to hook up the satellite, I need to move the bookcase. So, I decided that I would prepare for this eventual acquisition and I moved this 9 foot tall bookcase. It's not so bad if you take all the books off of it and take the shelves out and sort of walk it. I have done it before. What amazed me was that once I had moved it and put all the books back on, the loft area just opened up so much and I really like it. Plus, my kids actually sat down by the book shelf and proceeded to look at books for a long time, even commenting how they need to put them back. I was speechless.
In the throws of this victory, I decided to conquer another hefty task. I have a huge mirror that is to hang over my dresser. It has been in the garage because I didn't think I could carry it by myself, let alone hang it by myself. I decided I would try and get it as far as I could. I managed to get the thing up the stairs and hung on the wall. Its so heavy that I am using two hangers to hold it. Apparently, I did not get them real even so the mirror is slightly off but I have decided that I can live with the 1/2" discrepancy. BB surprised me again by cleaning the mirror for me.
Apparently, I wore myself out. We have begun reading CS Lewis's Chronicles of Narnia Book 1 The Magician's Nephew. The kids were squirrely and starting to fight a lot so I started reading earlier than usual. We got in to the book so much that we only had 1/2 a chapter to go til the end of the book but my eyes and my voice couldn't take it any longer. So, my daughter said she would read. I fell asleep. She thought this was absolutely hilarious.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Thursday, July 3, 2008
My epiphany
I don't know if I have mentioned how very often my drive time in the morning and through out the day, between appointments, is my best prayer time. I have no distractions but the road before me and have all the difficulties and situations I am encountering swirling through my head. No one can hear me and now with the invention of the Blue Tooth...I don't even look all that weird if I am talking out loud...I could be on the phone. And in a sense, I am in communication without wires...to my Creator and Heavenly Father. Very often, these quiet moments are when I am able to tune out the distractions in my life and the Lord is able to speak to me and grab my attention.
Today was one such day. I have been struggling for a very long time. I would venture to guess, about 6 years, since my marriage fell apart and I learned of the child abuse and began to recognize my own abuse. I have, in these past 6 years, repeated a very unhealthy pattern of behavior. The summer seems to be a very critical time for this pattern to erupt but there have been other occurrences at other times during the calendar year. I panic and begin to shut down emotionally. In this state, I grow more disorganized with my checkbook, careless with my affections and I sort of check out of parenting and kind of revert to this very childish set of behaviors. I have landed myself into many precarious positions and each time I repeat the pattern, the consequences have been even more severe.
I am writing about it now because I am trying to break this cycle and confront this pattern and identify the root cause of it all so that I don't have to keep repeating it. I had a very powerful, and painful, epiphany this morning while I drove in to work. I have gotten a lot of mileage out of being a "special victim". Part of me hates being the victim, hates having been traumatized, hates the damage that has been done but then there is this part of me that has also latched on to the attention this special status has given me.
I worked through a lot of layers, slice by slice, to the point that by the time I reached work, I felt raw and very tired. But also, I felt a burden begin to lift because I think I may have figured something out. I am going to try to write it out and see if I can get it out of the nebulous mess in my head in to some sort of cohesive, somewhat logical train of thought that I can continue to munch on and think about and then hopefully begin to put to rest.
My pastor has been talking about forgiveness. I understand the concept. It is something I have determined from the very beginning to bestow upon my ex-husband because I do not want to become bitter and live in a state of hostile anger. My children need a fully functioning, content and even happy parent who is not tied down with all this other negative junk. what I liked about what my pastor has been teaching about is how he has further cemented in my head what I have been thinking about. He says that forgiveness is not for the offender. It is not something that they ask for and then are granted, although they may seek it. It is something that the Offended person grants so that she (me) can move forward with her life and not be tied down with anger and bitterness. Bingo!! My thoughts exactly! But actually, I believe that is the Biblical model of forgiveness. Furthermore, he went on to explain last week, that forgiveness does not mean that the Offender "gets off the hook". It 's not a "get out of jail free" card. By forgiving a person, you are not saying that they are not guilty and thus do not require to serve out some sort of justice. Ultimately, justice belongs to the Lord. He determines what is just. However, we do have a legal system that doles out justice as well. I prayed long and hard over it and decided that I was going to be content with whatever the judge determined was just. I was prepared for my husband to get probation or to go to prison. It does not mean that I was not shocked when he was given a 40 year sentence. I grieved it and then accepted it.
So, that is the background. I have forgiven my ex-husband. I still have to decide to forgive him sometimes because I get reminders of how far his crime and his sin has reached us and is still affecting us today but I do continue to forgive. So, why then do I continue to cycle through this pattern of self-destructive behaviors like financial sabotage, choosing dangerous/abusive men and repeating abusive relationships and why to I continue to spin myself into a depression or depressive state where I just want to jump off this crazy planet because I have made things so hard and difficult and I begin to loathe myself so much and then begin to transfer that self-loathing and project it onto others and feel that they must surely be sick of me as well. Why do they put up with me at all? I am certainly sick of me and can barely stand to be inside my own body or brain so others must feel the same way...and I spin down further, quit caring until I get myself into such a mess that I want to reach out and get bailed out of trouble.
This is that Special Victim status. I create the chaos to re-enact the victim role and begin to look for a savior, a rescuer. Usually, a man. And the two men I have dated since my divorce, both seem to like being rescuers and like having a woman who seems to need them so desperately. But then once I pull myself up and out of trouble and begin to stand strong again, these men realize that I am not passive or pliable and their abusive nature takes over and they begin to try and exert power and control over the relationship and me in order to restore that helplessness and reliance upon them.
It's really kind of sick. It is really scary. But I do see it as a good sign that this time, I have allowed myself to admit that a) there is a problem b) something needs to change c) I need to instigate that change, no matter how painful nor how long it takes and d) I need to seek some professional help in order to do so because I cannot do this alone. So, I have made an appointment with a therapist that I saw 6 years ago. I have contacted a financial counseling ministry. I have tightened my financial belt quite a bit and am going to "pay the piper" even though it hurts and it is scary.
I still haven't gotten to my real Epiphany. As I sorted all of this out, I kept asking myself "Why do you do this, Tulip?" and then "What is your secondary gain?". Dangerous questions. Deep down, I long to be loved but my fear is that I am unlovable and eventually, I will be rejected. At least as a Special Victim, I had an excuse for some bad behavior. I had a reason to exist. I am the Mother of an Abused Child...Don't you know what I have gone through? Don't you see what this has done to me? ...and in a sense, doesn't that then take me off the hook for some things?
But I have some people in my life, my Mom, my sisters and my Grandmother, who do love me on that deep down level, as ugly as I think it is down there and they are not letting me claim that Special Victim status. They love me so much that they are not going to let me continue to throw myself into this pit that I keep digging. But they are not going to send down a ladder. Maybe some rope, to make my own ladder...but I have to do the work.
Even further under this, I kept digging down. I realized that I have freely forgiven my ex-husband. I have freely forgiven these ex-boyfriends for the pain they have caused me, either intentional or otherwise. I have forgiven countless others who have come into my life and have hurt me, whether they meant to or not. I have let it go. But there is one person I have been unable to forgive. Myself. Deep down, I blame myself for what happened to my daughter. I have let myself hold on to this guilt that if I had made a different decision back in 1992, when I found out that my then boyfriend, soon-to-be husband, had molested his sister and attempted to molest her friend...If I had decided to walk away then and there, none of this would have happened. In a sense, I believed that it was all my fault because I had been faced with a choice to continue dating him or to walk away and I chose to continue the relationship, to fall in love with him, to marry him a year later and then to bear 4 children by him.
WHOA. This hit me very hard. Was it entirely my fault? Was it wrong for me to follow my heart, to believe him when he said he was a christian and that this molestation was behind him and because he had Jesus, it was done. He was saved.
So, this morning, I took that guilt and shame and began to turn it around. I did have a choice. And I chose to love him. I chose to give him a chance when several others before me had walked away. I chose to believe him and to trust him and to put faith in him that when we had children, they would be safe in his care. That was my duty, my obligation and my choice. I fulfilled it. But he had a choice in there too. He made choices along the way to hide his temptations regarding our daughter. He led a secret life. He molested her for 3 years and hid it from me. I didn't "miss" any signs because there were no signs. He was very good at hiding it. He never counted on her telling me about it. We both made choices and those choices had consequences. My choice led me to this place where I am now, as painful as things may be in my life may be, how could I possibly want to go back to a day in 1992, when I learned of his secret and then make a different choice because if I had, I would have no Princess...no BB...no PH...no Peanut. For those 4 reasons, I made the best choice. I forgive myself for holding on to the blame, the shame and the guilt, for letting that eat away at me for so long that I have developed a pattern of self-destruction and sabotage in order to make myself into the monster that I believed I was deep down. I am letting go of that. It's time to break free from that pain and guilt. I am forgiven. I am free.
Today was one such day. I have been struggling for a very long time. I would venture to guess, about 6 years, since my marriage fell apart and I learned of the child abuse and began to recognize my own abuse. I have, in these past 6 years, repeated a very unhealthy pattern of behavior. The summer seems to be a very critical time for this pattern to erupt but there have been other occurrences at other times during the calendar year. I panic and begin to shut down emotionally. In this state, I grow more disorganized with my checkbook, careless with my affections and I sort of check out of parenting and kind of revert to this very childish set of behaviors. I have landed myself into many precarious positions and each time I repeat the pattern, the consequences have been even more severe.
I am writing about it now because I am trying to break this cycle and confront this pattern and identify the root cause of it all so that I don't have to keep repeating it. I had a very powerful, and painful, epiphany this morning while I drove in to work. I have gotten a lot of mileage out of being a "special victim". Part of me hates being the victim, hates having been traumatized, hates the damage that has been done but then there is this part of me that has also latched on to the attention this special status has given me.
I worked through a lot of layers, slice by slice, to the point that by the time I reached work, I felt raw and very tired. But also, I felt a burden begin to lift because I think I may have figured something out. I am going to try to write it out and see if I can get it out of the nebulous mess in my head in to some sort of cohesive, somewhat logical train of thought that I can continue to munch on and think about and then hopefully begin to put to rest.
My pastor has been talking about forgiveness. I understand the concept. It is something I have determined from the very beginning to bestow upon my ex-husband because I do not want to become bitter and live in a state of hostile anger. My children need a fully functioning, content and even happy parent who is not tied down with all this other negative junk. what I liked about what my pastor has been teaching about is how he has further cemented in my head what I have been thinking about. He says that forgiveness is not for the offender. It is not something that they ask for and then are granted, although they may seek it. It is something that the Offended person grants so that she (me) can move forward with her life and not be tied down with anger and bitterness. Bingo!! My thoughts exactly! But actually, I believe that is the Biblical model of forgiveness. Furthermore, he went on to explain last week, that forgiveness does not mean that the Offender "gets off the hook". It 's not a "get out of jail free" card. By forgiving a person, you are not saying that they are not guilty and thus do not require to serve out some sort of justice. Ultimately, justice belongs to the Lord. He determines what is just. However, we do have a legal system that doles out justice as well. I prayed long and hard over it and decided that I was going to be content with whatever the judge determined was just. I was prepared for my husband to get probation or to go to prison. It does not mean that I was not shocked when he was given a 40 year sentence. I grieved it and then accepted it.
So, that is the background. I have forgiven my ex-husband. I still have to decide to forgive him sometimes because I get reminders of how far his crime and his sin has reached us and is still affecting us today but I do continue to forgive. So, why then do I continue to cycle through this pattern of self-destructive behaviors like financial sabotage, choosing dangerous/abusive men and repeating abusive relationships and why to I continue to spin myself into a depression or depressive state where I just want to jump off this crazy planet because I have made things so hard and difficult and I begin to loathe myself so much and then begin to transfer that self-loathing and project it onto others and feel that they must surely be sick of me as well. Why do they put up with me at all? I am certainly sick of me and can barely stand to be inside my own body or brain so others must feel the same way...and I spin down further, quit caring until I get myself into such a mess that I want to reach out and get bailed out of trouble.
This is that Special Victim status. I create the chaos to re-enact the victim role and begin to look for a savior, a rescuer. Usually, a man. And the two men I have dated since my divorce, both seem to like being rescuers and like having a woman who seems to need them so desperately. But then once I pull myself up and out of trouble and begin to stand strong again, these men realize that I am not passive or pliable and their abusive nature takes over and they begin to try and exert power and control over the relationship and me in order to restore that helplessness and reliance upon them.
It's really kind of sick. It is really scary. But I do see it as a good sign that this time, I have allowed myself to admit that a) there is a problem b) something needs to change c) I need to instigate that change, no matter how painful nor how long it takes and d) I need to seek some professional help in order to do so because I cannot do this alone. So, I have made an appointment with a therapist that I saw 6 years ago. I have contacted a financial counseling ministry. I have tightened my financial belt quite a bit and am going to "pay the piper" even though it hurts and it is scary.
I still haven't gotten to my real Epiphany. As I sorted all of this out, I kept asking myself "Why do you do this, Tulip?" and then "What is your secondary gain?". Dangerous questions. Deep down, I long to be loved but my fear is that I am unlovable and eventually, I will be rejected. At least as a Special Victim, I had an excuse for some bad behavior. I had a reason to exist. I am the Mother of an Abused Child...Don't you know what I have gone through? Don't you see what this has done to me? ...and in a sense, doesn't that then take me off the hook for some things?
But I have some people in my life, my Mom, my sisters and my Grandmother, who do love me on that deep down level, as ugly as I think it is down there and they are not letting me claim that Special Victim status. They love me so much that they are not going to let me continue to throw myself into this pit that I keep digging. But they are not going to send down a ladder. Maybe some rope, to make my own ladder...but I have to do the work.
Even further under this, I kept digging down. I realized that I have freely forgiven my ex-husband. I have freely forgiven these ex-boyfriends for the pain they have caused me, either intentional or otherwise. I have forgiven countless others who have come into my life and have hurt me, whether they meant to or not. I have let it go. But there is one person I have been unable to forgive. Myself. Deep down, I blame myself for what happened to my daughter. I have let myself hold on to this guilt that if I had made a different decision back in 1992, when I found out that my then boyfriend, soon-to-be husband, had molested his sister and attempted to molest her friend...If I had decided to walk away then and there, none of this would have happened. In a sense, I believed that it was all my fault because I had been faced with a choice to continue dating him or to walk away and I chose to continue the relationship, to fall in love with him, to marry him a year later and then to bear 4 children by him.
WHOA. This hit me very hard. Was it entirely my fault? Was it wrong for me to follow my heart, to believe him when he said he was a christian and that this molestation was behind him and because he had Jesus, it was done. He was saved.
So, this morning, I took that guilt and shame and began to turn it around. I did have a choice. And I chose to love him. I chose to give him a chance when several others before me had walked away. I chose to believe him and to trust him and to put faith in him that when we had children, they would be safe in his care. That was my duty, my obligation and my choice. I fulfilled it. But he had a choice in there too. He made choices along the way to hide his temptations regarding our daughter. He led a secret life. He molested her for 3 years and hid it from me. I didn't "miss" any signs because there were no signs. He was very good at hiding it. He never counted on her telling me about it. We both made choices and those choices had consequences. My choice led me to this place where I am now, as painful as things may be in my life may be, how could I possibly want to go back to a day in 1992, when I learned of his secret and then make a different choice because if I had, I would have no Princess...no BB...no PH...no Peanut. For those 4 reasons, I made the best choice. I forgive myself for holding on to the blame, the shame and the guilt, for letting that eat away at me for so long that I have developed a pattern of self-destruction and sabotage in order to make myself into the monster that I believed I was deep down. I am letting go of that. It's time to break free from that pain and guilt. I am forgiven. I am free.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
I fought the bike...and won
BB's bike lost it's pedals, so he has been biking on the metal spokes. I found some new bike pedals for it today and was anxious to get home and put them on. I figured it was a 10 minute project.
I read the directions for how to put new pedals on, so I figured that I would do the opposite in order to get the old broken pedals off. The right pedal needed to be unscrewed counter-clockwise and the left needed to be unscrewed clockwise and then the reverse when I got the new pedals on. Sounds simple. Even a complete tool novice like me...well maybe I am one grade up from novice because I know the difference between wrenches, what to do with each end of a hammer and how to use a ratchet wrench.
But nooooo, it could not be that simple. The pedals were put on at the store and I think possibly even at the factory because I bought it fully assembled. Those bolts were tight. I fought and fought. I read and reread the directions to make sure that I was trying to torq in the right direction per the side of the bike I was on. I must have flipped that bike over several times, tried to straddle it and get leverage. I silently cursed the fact that I am a woman who does not have the upper body strength of a man. I contemplated, while beads of sweat burst onto my brow and spewed out "C'mon....", calling any number of male friends I have and admitting defeat, handing them my wrench and watching while they gave each side one quick twist and the bolt falling off like it was slipping on butter. Perhaps, that image is what kept me going. I didn't want to admit I was defeated until I was sure that there was no way I was going to possibly get these bolts off.
I was encouraged when one bolt began to move and then I could spin it off and put on the new pedal, which has a much better bolt, by the way. But that left side still would not budge. I was about 5 minutes from calling in a man to solve this when suddenly, it slipped just a tiny bit. And finally, I got it off and the new pedal.
My 10 minute job became a 50 minute project. But I beat the bike. BB has new pedals. Next time, I need to put new grips on his handle bars but I am pretty confident that will be much simpler. It won't require any bolts.
To my male friends, thanks for your inadvertent encouragement. I know any one of you would have gladly assisted me. In a way, you did. I just didn't have to bring you a bike, stripped screws and my wrench.
I read the directions for how to put new pedals on, so I figured that I would do the opposite in order to get the old broken pedals off. The right pedal needed to be unscrewed counter-clockwise and the left needed to be unscrewed clockwise and then the reverse when I got the new pedals on. Sounds simple. Even a complete tool novice like me...well maybe I am one grade up from novice because I know the difference between wrenches, what to do with each end of a hammer and how to use a ratchet wrench.
But nooooo, it could not be that simple. The pedals were put on at the store and I think possibly even at the factory because I bought it fully assembled. Those bolts were tight. I fought and fought. I read and reread the directions to make sure that I was trying to torq in the right direction per the side of the bike I was on. I must have flipped that bike over several times, tried to straddle it and get leverage. I silently cursed the fact that I am a woman who does not have the upper body strength of a man. I contemplated, while beads of sweat burst onto my brow and spewed out "C'mon....", calling any number of male friends I have and admitting defeat, handing them my wrench and watching while they gave each side one quick twist and the bolt falling off like it was slipping on butter. Perhaps, that image is what kept me going. I didn't want to admit I was defeated until I was sure that there was no way I was going to possibly get these bolts off.
I was encouraged when one bolt began to move and then I could spin it off and put on the new pedal, which has a much better bolt, by the way. But that left side still would not budge. I was about 5 minutes from calling in a man to solve this when suddenly, it slipped just a tiny bit. And finally, I got it off and the new pedal.
My 10 minute job became a 50 minute project. But I beat the bike. BB has new pedals. Next time, I need to put new grips on his handle bars but I am pretty confident that will be much simpler. It won't require any bolts.
To my male friends, thanks for your inadvertent encouragement. I know any one of you would have gladly assisted me. In a way, you did. I just didn't have to bring you a bike, stripped screws and my wrench.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Surviving the summer
I have been having a really hard week. Actually, it is turning out to be a really hard summer. I feel like I am burning the candle at both ends and this week it is hitting me very hard. I feel completely worn out. When I wake up in the morning, and it is getting harder and harder to do that because the fatigue is catching up with me and the adrenaline is dissipating, I have noticed that I have dark circles under my eyes. I have not ever noticed that before. I don't think it is due to turning 37 a month ago.
Here is an example of what my days are like and probably what accounts for the matched set of "eye luggage":
5:30am My alarm goes off...I hit the snooze...It's a reflex.
5:39 It goes off again....
5:48 And again...I smack the alarm one more time
5:57 I blearily look at the clock....and I realize that I have to get up NOW...Did I shower last night?? I can't remember...better jump in, just to be safe.
6:15 I am drying my hair, taking my vitamins and medication and using my Sonic Care tooth brush...and I think about my friend the dentist and about my mother-in-law who gave me this wonderful tool!
6:20 I begin to wake up my kids, starting with Princess because she is the hardest. I yank down her covers and tickle her feet, she mumbles and pulls the covers over her head, I move on to the boys room....I start to tickle them and rub their backs, pick out clothes
6:35 Did I put on my makeup? Where are my shoes? Did I pack a lunch? Princess is still not out of bed...BB is muttering at me and I attempt to get him to take his medication but to no avail..so I grab him a glass of milk and his pill box and figure I will try again when I get to the sitter's. PH is not out of bed, so I grab his ankles and pull him to the ladder once he is down on the floor, I pull his PJ's off and put a clean shirt on...I do the same with Peanut...Princess is finally out bed
6:45 Peanut can't find his shoes, complains he is cold and "too tired" to walk out to the car. Do I have everything? Keys, planner, lunch? Medicine and milk for BB?
6:50 I count heads in the car, someone is missing...I go searching and PH is now asleep on BB's bed, so I shoo him down the stairs, trip over the cat as she winds around my legs... her food dish is completely empty and she has no water. The kittens wake up, and I now trip over them
7:00 We are finally on the road but traffic is already backing up and I will have to cut across town and I know that I am going to be late. I have to drive 25 minutes West to the sitter.
7:25 Arrive at sitter's. Get BB to swallow his ADHD med and amazingly the huge fish oil
capsule. But Peanut refuses to get out of the car because he is too tired. So, I drag him out
and carry him up the walk...give out hugs and kisses and hop back in the car
7:40 I'm stuck in traffic...now I have a minimum of 30 minutes to get back to the East...I will
be late...again.
8:15 I arrive at the government center...but I remember it is Monday and I can't park in the employee parking because it is Jury duty day...so I have to park over by the jail and walk.
8:30 I arrive at my desk. Rats...I'm a half hour late. It's only Monday. The rest of my day is a mixture of client appointments, meetings, scheduling more appointments, writing case notes and treatment plans.
4:30pm I walk to my car...did I park at the jail...or did I move it to the street?
4:40 Stuck in traffic again...more construction work and no matter what road I take across, some part is being worked on and it gets worse every day.
5:30 I am late picking up the kids. Now I begin to drive home, through more traffic.
6:20 Arrive home...cats EVERYWHERE...no food, no water, dishes in the sink...time to make dinner...who's turn is it on the computer?
7:30 Sit down for dinner, but no one likes what I made. Clean it up. I'm too tired to do anything
but there is laundry to fold, dishes to do and the kids want to go swimming.
9:00 Send everyone to bed but the boys begin their nightly ritual of chatter, arguments, swinging from the bunk bed and running to the bathroom or needing "one more thing"
11:00 I can't stay up any longer, two boys are STILL awake, I'm sure they will get into who knows what the instant they realize I am asleep...I will have to take that chance.
And repeat, 4 more days til the weekend.
I can't believe it is going to be July next week but part of me is glad because it means that 2/3 of the summer is already over and in 2 months, they will be going back to school. I will have 4 kids in school...no shuttling of anyone to daycare. I can leave for work in the morning and head straight to work...I can come straight home at night and I may actually get home at 5:15.
I am working on a better bedtime ritual with my kids in order to help them settle down better. It's slightly better although they are still not falling asleep real early, but they are quieter. My mom suggested to them that I create a positive aspect to bedtime rather than so much negatives associated with it. So, tonight, we started reading the first book in the Chronicles of Narnia. Peanut fell asleep next to me and I had to carry him to bed. The other two boys are still awake and talking but they are talking softly. I am going to count it a small victory.
I am counting down the days til the 4th of July. I like the parades and the fireworks but I am mostly looking forward to sleeping in later and not racing back and forth across 694. But I don't know if I can hold out til then . I feel like I am basically dead on my feet and walking around in a fog.
Add to this the pressure I sometimes feel, or maybe it is just guilt, that I don't have my kids involved in sports or music lessons. I feel torn apart as it is. This week alone, I had something going on every evening. Its Thursday and this is the first evening all week where we actually sat down as a family to eat a meal together. I know that this is not good for me and it is not good for my kids. But the guilty feelings still sit there and I wonder if I am depriving them of something, if there is something else they could be experiencing that would be good for them, that will help them expand their horizons, or teach them a skill or increase their social skills. I don't have a need to live out my own Little League fantasies through my kids. I was not in to sports at all as a child. I think I grew up basically normal. But I also have a child who has ADHD and struggles with making friends, stuggles with issues of confidence and personal value. I have a daughter who has shown both interest and some athletic abilities. Am I holding her back because I feel too tired?
The other part of me is saying to myself that I can't do everything. I am one person. I am one parent. I work a full-time job and come home and have to care for 4 children. It's a very full plate. Adding more and more on top of that is not only unreasonable, it's bordering on insanity. If I feel burned out now with no activities, it will only get worse.
So, maybe I should reframe things a little. My kids are having a very different summer than they have had before. I decided to allow my daughter to babysit her brother's one day a week, for money. I also decided to start an allowance that is contingent upon some very basic things being done around the house. I have each child assigned a set of "helper jobs" and they rotate each week. I have specific tasks for them according to their ability.
Already I am seeing my daughter blooming in her level of responsibility. She is so gentle with her brothers and being less bossy with them. She is keeping a notebook of her earnings. I decided I would teach them some things about money from the beginning that I never learned and to this day, I struggle with. So, from their allowance and her babysitting money, 10% goes to tithe at church, 10% is saved in their piggy bank (until they get $10 and can start a savings account) and then the rest they are free to spend.
Tonight, I was showing my daughter how she can add up her earnings, a quick way to figure out 10% and then how to figure out what she will have left. She was tickled that she had made an estimated guess and was very close. It's practical math. The boys want to find other ways to earn money so they were trying to give kids in the neighborhood wagon rides for either a nickel or a quarter a minute. They also want to sell Lemonade but I told them that they will need to use their own money to pay for their lemonade start-up product, and not the lemonade I buy for dinner.
My Mom and Dad have a craft show business but both of them are having some issues with their health. My Dad is getting a hip replacement in September and my Mom had a total knee replacement over a year ago...so setting up and taking down is going to be difficult for them. But now that I have these children who are big enough to help and have gotten a taste for working for pay, my parents are going to hire them for their craft shows to help them with their set-ups and take downs.
It's more real world than being the next David Beckam, Tiger Woods or Kobe Bryant.
Here is an example of what my days are like and probably what accounts for the matched set of "eye luggage":
5:30am My alarm goes off...I hit the snooze...It's a reflex.
5:39 It goes off again....
5:48 And again...I smack the alarm one more time
5:57 I blearily look at the clock....and I realize that I have to get up NOW...Did I shower last night?? I can't remember...better jump in, just to be safe.
6:15 I am drying my hair, taking my vitamins and medication and using my Sonic Care tooth brush...and I think about my friend the dentist and about my mother-in-law who gave me this wonderful tool!
6:20 I begin to wake up my kids, starting with Princess because she is the hardest. I yank down her covers and tickle her feet, she mumbles and pulls the covers over her head, I move on to the boys room....I start to tickle them and rub their backs, pick out clothes
6:35 Did I put on my makeup? Where are my shoes? Did I pack a lunch? Princess is still not out of bed...BB is muttering at me and I attempt to get him to take his medication but to no avail..so I grab him a glass of milk and his pill box and figure I will try again when I get to the sitter's. PH is not out of bed, so I grab his ankles and pull him to the ladder once he is down on the floor, I pull his PJ's off and put a clean shirt on...I do the same with Peanut...Princess is finally out bed
6:45 Peanut can't find his shoes, complains he is cold and "too tired" to walk out to the car. Do I have everything? Keys, planner, lunch? Medicine and milk for BB?
6:50 I count heads in the car, someone is missing...I go searching and PH is now asleep on BB's bed, so I shoo him down the stairs, trip over the cat as she winds around my legs... her food dish is completely empty and she has no water. The kittens wake up, and I now trip over them
7:00 We are finally on the road but traffic is already backing up and I will have to cut across town and I know that I am going to be late. I have to drive 25 minutes West to the sitter.
7:25 Arrive at sitter's. Get BB to swallow his ADHD med and amazingly the huge fish oil
capsule. But Peanut refuses to get out of the car because he is too tired. So, I drag him out
and carry him up the walk...give out hugs and kisses and hop back in the car
7:40 I'm stuck in traffic...now I have a minimum of 30 minutes to get back to the East...I will
be late...again.
8:15 I arrive at the government center...but I remember it is Monday and I can't park in the employee parking because it is Jury duty day...so I have to park over by the jail and walk.
8:30 I arrive at my desk. Rats...I'm a half hour late. It's only Monday. The rest of my day is a mixture of client appointments, meetings, scheduling more appointments, writing case notes and treatment plans.
4:30pm I walk to my car...did I park at the jail...or did I move it to the street?
4:40 Stuck in traffic again...more construction work and no matter what road I take across, some part is being worked on and it gets worse every day.
5:30 I am late picking up the kids. Now I begin to drive home, through more traffic.
6:20 Arrive home...cats EVERYWHERE...no food, no water, dishes in the sink...time to make dinner...who's turn is it on the computer?
7:30 Sit down for dinner, but no one likes what I made. Clean it up. I'm too tired to do anything
but there is laundry to fold, dishes to do and the kids want to go swimming.
9:00 Send everyone to bed but the boys begin their nightly ritual of chatter, arguments, swinging from the bunk bed and running to the bathroom or needing "one more thing"
11:00 I can't stay up any longer, two boys are STILL awake, I'm sure they will get into who knows what the instant they realize I am asleep...I will have to take that chance.
And repeat, 4 more days til the weekend.
I can't believe it is going to be July next week but part of me is glad because it means that 2/3 of the summer is already over and in 2 months, they will be going back to school. I will have 4 kids in school...no shuttling of anyone to daycare. I can leave for work in the morning and head straight to work...I can come straight home at night and I may actually get home at 5:15.
I am working on a better bedtime ritual with my kids in order to help them settle down better. It's slightly better although they are still not falling asleep real early, but they are quieter. My mom suggested to them that I create a positive aspect to bedtime rather than so much negatives associated with it. So, tonight, we started reading the first book in the Chronicles of Narnia. Peanut fell asleep next to me and I had to carry him to bed. The other two boys are still awake and talking but they are talking softly. I am going to count it a small victory.
I am counting down the days til the 4th of July. I like the parades and the fireworks but I am mostly looking forward to sleeping in later and not racing back and forth across 694. But I don't know if I can hold out til then . I feel like I am basically dead on my feet and walking around in a fog.
Add to this the pressure I sometimes feel, or maybe it is just guilt, that I don't have my kids involved in sports or music lessons. I feel torn apart as it is. This week alone, I had something going on every evening. Its Thursday and this is the first evening all week where we actually sat down as a family to eat a meal together. I know that this is not good for me and it is not good for my kids. But the guilty feelings still sit there and I wonder if I am depriving them of something, if there is something else they could be experiencing that would be good for them, that will help them expand their horizons, or teach them a skill or increase their social skills. I don't have a need to live out my own Little League fantasies through my kids. I was not in to sports at all as a child. I think I grew up basically normal. But I also have a child who has ADHD and struggles with making friends, stuggles with issues of confidence and personal value. I have a daughter who has shown both interest and some athletic abilities. Am I holding her back because I feel too tired?
The other part of me is saying to myself that I can't do everything. I am one person. I am one parent. I work a full-time job and come home and have to care for 4 children. It's a very full plate. Adding more and more on top of that is not only unreasonable, it's bordering on insanity. If I feel burned out now with no activities, it will only get worse.
So, maybe I should reframe things a little. My kids are having a very different summer than they have had before. I decided to allow my daughter to babysit her brother's one day a week, for money. I also decided to start an allowance that is contingent upon some very basic things being done around the house. I have each child assigned a set of "helper jobs" and they rotate each week. I have specific tasks for them according to their ability.
Already I am seeing my daughter blooming in her level of responsibility. She is so gentle with her brothers and being less bossy with them. She is keeping a notebook of her earnings. I decided I would teach them some things about money from the beginning that I never learned and to this day, I struggle with. So, from their allowance and her babysitting money, 10% goes to tithe at church, 10% is saved in their piggy bank (until they get $10 and can start a savings account) and then the rest they are free to spend.
Tonight, I was showing my daughter how she can add up her earnings, a quick way to figure out 10% and then how to figure out what she will have left. She was tickled that she had made an estimated guess and was very close. It's practical math. The boys want to find other ways to earn money so they were trying to give kids in the neighborhood wagon rides for either a nickel or a quarter a minute. They also want to sell Lemonade but I told them that they will need to use their own money to pay for their lemonade start-up product, and not the lemonade I buy for dinner.
My Mom and Dad have a craft show business but both of them are having some issues with their health. My Dad is getting a hip replacement in September and my Mom had a total knee replacement over a year ago...so setting up and taking down is going to be difficult for them. But now that I have these children who are big enough to help and have gotten a taste for working for pay, my parents are going to hire them for their craft shows to help them with their set-ups and take downs.
It's more real world than being the next David Beckam, Tiger Woods or Kobe Bryant.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Oh My Aching Ear
I have this fear that I am going to develop a condition called Meneire's disease in which the inner ear becomes so badly damaged that the body loses some equilibrium, experiences vertigo to the point of vomiting and then hearing loss. My Grandmother has it and is virtually deaf in one ear.
Over the past few weeks, I have been stumbling a lot and bumping into things. I am already a self-proclaimed klutz with another irrational fear that I will one day fall backwards down the stairs. It has no basis in reality, thus the irrational fear. Or perhaps I will trip over my own feet and land in some precarious position in front of many people, no doubt while wearing a skirt, and not only bruise my body but also my pride.
Earlier this week, I was with a client and I got up from his kitchen table and stumbled and landed on my ankle oddly. He asked if I was alright. I told him, "I'm fine. Just not graceful." He chuckled. But I felt that fear rise up in me.
Further compounding my fear of this disease is a problem with my ear that has gotten worse. My right ear has been ringing and feeling sort of stuffed. It feels like it is constantly in a state of needing to pop but nothing I do works. I have tried to tip my head in various odd angles to see if I got water in it. No help. I try to plug my nose and blow out. Nothing. I have ridden the elevator to the top floor and down hoping that the rapid change in pressure would help. Nada.
Today my hearing is affected. Things sound muffled on that side and sometimes I get an echo from music which is very annoying. Certain noises add more pressure to my ear and while I wouldn't describe it as pain, I am experiencing discomfort beyond annoyance. So I called the doctor.
She thinks I have clogged Eustachian tubes from excessive nasal congestion and because of it, my ear cannot equalize the pressure. She prescribed a nasal corticosteroid but said if it doesn't get better in a few weeks, I will need to see an ENT. But the nasal spray may take several days to begin to have an effect. It is supposed to decrease the swelling of mucous membranes in my sinuses.
All I know is that at the moment, noise is really starting to bother me. I can't tolerate it. I'm sitting upstairs, the kids are downstairs watching TV and I can hear it echoing in my ear from hear. It is making me very cranky. Some of my children speak very softly so I am having to ask them to speak up but the louder the volume, the greater the pressure on my ear so not only can I not hear what they are saying but it is hurting my head to try and listen to them.
I did my nasal spray. I will follow the doctor's recommendations and pray that this eases up soon and that I am not developing Meneire's and will not have to go to the ENT. I would probably have to get another CT scan. It could be an annual event. I may be a rare individual who is intimately acquainted with the internal structure of her head. And since I had an MRI last summer, I also know what my brain looks like.
For once, I sort of wish I could suffer in silence. It would be welcome relief at this point.
Over the past few weeks, I have been stumbling a lot and bumping into things. I am already a self-proclaimed klutz with another irrational fear that I will one day fall backwards down the stairs. It has no basis in reality, thus the irrational fear. Or perhaps I will trip over my own feet and land in some precarious position in front of many people, no doubt while wearing a skirt, and not only bruise my body but also my pride.
Earlier this week, I was with a client and I got up from his kitchen table and stumbled and landed on my ankle oddly. He asked if I was alright. I told him, "I'm fine. Just not graceful." He chuckled. But I felt that fear rise up in me.
Further compounding my fear of this disease is a problem with my ear that has gotten worse. My right ear has been ringing and feeling sort of stuffed. It feels like it is constantly in a state of needing to pop but nothing I do works. I have tried to tip my head in various odd angles to see if I got water in it. No help. I try to plug my nose and blow out. Nothing. I have ridden the elevator to the top floor and down hoping that the rapid change in pressure would help. Nada.
Today my hearing is affected. Things sound muffled on that side and sometimes I get an echo from music which is very annoying. Certain noises add more pressure to my ear and while I wouldn't describe it as pain, I am experiencing discomfort beyond annoyance. So I called the doctor.
She thinks I have clogged Eustachian tubes from excessive nasal congestion and because of it, my ear cannot equalize the pressure. She prescribed a nasal corticosteroid but said if it doesn't get better in a few weeks, I will need to see an ENT. But the nasal spray may take several days to begin to have an effect. It is supposed to decrease the swelling of mucous membranes in my sinuses.
All I know is that at the moment, noise is really starting to bother me. I can't tolerate it. I'm sitting upstairs, the kids are downstairs watching TV and I can hear it echoing in my ear from hear. It is making me very cranky. Some of my children speak very softly so I am having to ask them to speak up but the louder the volume, the greater the pressure on my ear so not only can I not hear what they are saying but it is hurting my head to try and listen to them.
I did my nasal spray. I will follow the doctor's recommendations and pray that this eases up soon and that I am not developing Meneire's and will not have to go to the ENT. I would probably have to get another CT scan. It could be an annual event. I may be a rare individual who is intimately acquainted with the internal structure of her head. And since I had an MRI last summer, I also know what my brain looks like.
For once, I sort of wish I could suffer in silence. It would be welcome relief at this point.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Kitten Decision '08
It's a tough night for my Princess. The votes for which kitten we will keep were cast. The winner is the black female named Shadow and not her favorite brown and grey tabby "Princess". It really is a tough decision because we have grown to love them all. They each have unique personalities. It will be hard to let them go.
Princess is taking it especially hard. She was crying at bedtime and explained it to me that she just wishes we could keep them all and that perhaps if we still lived in our house in Forest Lake, we would be able to keep them all. I told her we probably would have been able to keep two kittens but after a while, 6 cats is a lot to manage so we would not keep 6 cats either way.
My personal favorite was not even in the running. He is the black male that Peanut named King. My only consolation for my daughter's broken heart is that we can take our time and make sure that each kitten goes to a good home and perhaps ask the new owners if they will send us a picture every once in a while and let us know how they are doing. She also asked me if we can take lots of pictures of the kittens while we have them here. Of course we can do that.
I really felt for her and realized that my heart is breaking too.
Princess is taking it especially hard. She was crying at bedtime and explained it to me that she just wishes we could keep them all and that perhaps if we still lived in our house in Forest Lake, we would be able to keep them all. I told her we probably would have been able to keep two kittens but after a while, 6 cats is a lot to manage so we would not keep 6 cats either way.
My personal favorite was not even in the running. He is the black male that Peanut named King. My only consolation for my daughter's broken heart is that we can take our time and make sure that each kitten goes to a good home and perhaps ask the new owners if they will send us a picture every once in a while and let us know how they are doing. She also asked me if we can take lots of pictures of the kittens while we have them here. Of course we can do that.
I really felt for her and realized that my heart is breaking too.
Monday, June 16, 2008
It's hard not to laugh
Peanut is having a tough lesson tonight. He decided he did not want to eat what I made for dinner because "it smells bad". That is his opinion. I'm trying to round out the repertoire of Mac-n-cheese, tacos and spaghetti, so tonight it was stroganoff (with a little help from the Glove Guy). So, I told him if he didn't want to eat, then he could march upstairs and go to bed and take his "stinky" attitude with him...Notice how I tied that in with his comment? Very clever.
Later on, he was fussing and crying out the window. It was pitiful. I began to sort laundry outside his room and he asked me, "Mom, could I go live with Grandma and Grandpa?"
Why do you want to do that?
P: Because you are being too bossy.
Actually, dear Peanut, I think I have just begun to be just bossy enough with you!!
Later on, he was fussing and crying out the window. It was pitiful. I began to sort laundry outside his room and he asked me, "Mom, could I go live with Grandma and Grandpa?"
Why do you want to do that?
P: Because you are being too bossy.
Actually, dear Peanut, I think I have just begun to be just bossy enough with you!!
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