I have been having a really hard week. Actually, it is turning out to be a really hard summer. I feel like I am burning the candle at both ends and this week it is hitting me very hard. I feel completely worn out. When I wake up in the morning, and it is getting harder and harder to do that because the fatigue is catching up with me and the adrenaline is dissipating, I have noticed that I have dark circles under my eyes. I have not ever noticed that before. I don't think it is due to turning 37 a month ago.
Here is an example of what my days are like and probably what accounts for the matched set of "eye luggage":
5:30am My alarm goes off...I hit the snooze...It's a reflex.
5:39 It goes off again....
5:48 And again...I smack the alarm one more time
5:57 I blearily look at the clock....and I realize that I have to get up NOW...Did I shower last night?? I can't remember...better jump in, just to be safe.
6:15 I am drying my hair, taking my vitamins and medication and using my Sonic Care tooth brush...and I think about my friend the dentist and about my mother-in-law who gave me this wonderful tool!
6:20 I begin to wake up my kids, starting with Princess because she is the hardest. I yank down her covers and tickle her feet, she mumbles and pulls the covers over her head, I move on to the boys room....I start to tickle them and rub their backs, pick out clothes
6:35 Did I put on my makeup? Where are my shoes? Did I pack a lunch? Princess is still not out of bed...BB is muttering at me and I attempt to get him to take his medication but to no avail..so I grab him a glass of milk and his pill box and figure I will try again when I get to the sitter's. PH is not out of bed, so I grab his ankles and pull him to the ladder once he is down on the floor, I pull his PJ's off and put a clean shirt on...I do the same with Peanut...Princess is finally out bed
6:45 Peanut can't find his shoes, complains he is cold and "too tired" to walk out to the car. Do I have everything? Keys, planner, lunch? Medicine and milk for BB?
6:50 I count heads in the car, someone is missing...I go searching and PH is now asleep on BB's bed, so I shoo him down the stairs, trip over the cat as she winds around my legs... her food dish is completely empty and she has no water. The kittens wake up, and I now trip over them
7:00 We are finally on the road but traffic is already backing up and I will have to cut across town and I know that I am going to be late. I have to drive 25 minutes West to the sitter.
7:25 Arrive at sitter's. Get BB to swallow his ADHD med and amazingly the huge fish oil
capsule. But Peanut refuses to get out of the car because he is too tired. So, I drag him out
and carry him up the walk...give out hugs and kisses and hop back in the car
7:40 I'm stuck in traffic...now I have a minimum of 30 minutes to get back to the East...I will
be late...again.
8:15 I arrive at the government center...but I remember it is Monday and I can't park in the employee parking because it is Jury duty day...so I have to park over by the jail and walk.
8:30 I arrive at my desk. Rats...I'm a half hour late. It's only Monday. The rest of my day is a mixture of client appointments, meetings, scheduling more appointments, writing case notes and treatment plans.
4:30pm I walk to my car...did I park at the jail...or did I move it to the street?
4:40 Stuck in traffic again...more construction work and no matter what road I take across, some part is being worked on and it gets worse every day.
5:30 I am late picking up the kids. Now I begin to drive home, through more traffic.
6:20 Arrive home...cats EVERYWHERE...no food, no water, dishes in the sink...time to make dinner...who's turn is it on the computer?
7:30 Sit down for dinner, but no one likes what I made. Clean it up. I'm too tired to do anything
but there is laundry to fold, dishes to do and the kids want to go swimming.
9:00 Send everyone to bed but the boys begin their nightly ritual of chatter, arguments, swinging from the bunk bed and running to the bathroom or needing "one more thing"
11:00 I can't stay up any longer, two boys are STILL awake, I'm sure they will get into who knows what the instant they realize I am asleep...I will have to take that chance.
And repeat, 4 more days til the weekend.
I can't believe it is going to be July next week but part of me is glad because it means that 2/3 of the summer is already over and in 2 months, they will be going back to school. I will have 4 kids in school...no shuttling of anyone to daycare. I can leave for work in the morning and head straight to work...I can come straight home at night and I may actually get home at 5:15.
I am working on a better bedtime ritual with my kids in order to help them settle down better. It's slightly better although they are still not falling asleep real early, but they are quieter. My mom suggested to them that I create a positive aspect to bedtime rather than so much negatives associated with it. So, tonight, we started reading the first book in the Chronicles of Narnia. Peanut fell asleep next to me and I had to carry him to bed. The other two boys are still awake and talking but they are talking softly. I am going to count it a small victory.
I am counting down the days til the 4th of July. I like the parades and the fireworks but I am mostly looking forward to sleeping in later and not racing back and forth across 694. But I don't know if I can hold out til then . I feel like I am basically dead on my feet and walking around in a fog.
Add to this the pressure I sometimes feel, or maybe it is just guilt, that I don't have my kids involved in sports or music lessons. I feel torn apart as it is. This week alone, I had something going on every evening. Its Thursday and this is the first evening all week where we actually sat down as a family to eat a meal together. I know that this is not good for me and it is not good for my kids. But the guilty feelings still sit there and I wonder if I am depriving them of something, if there is something else they could be experiencing that would be good for them, that will help them expand their horizons, or teach them a skill or increase their social skills. I don't have a need to live out my own Little League fantasies through my kids. I was not in to sports at all as a child. I think I grew up basically normal. But I also have a child who has ADHD and struggles with making friends, stuggles with issues of confidence and personal value. I have a daughter who has shown both interest and some athletic abilities. Am I holding her back because I feel too tired?
The other part of me is saying to myself that I can't do everything. I am one person. I am one parent. I work a full-time job and come home and have to care for 4 children. It's a very full plate. Adding more and more on top of that is not only unreasonable, it's bordering on insanity. If I feel burned out now with no activities, it will only get worse.
So, maybe I should reframe things a little. My kids are having a very different summer than they have had before. I decided to allow my daughter to babysit her brother's one day a week, for money. I also decided to start an allowance that is contingent upon some very basic things being done around the house. I have each child assigned a set of "helper jobs" and they rotate each week. I have specific tasks for them according to their ability.
Already I am seeing my daughter blooming in her level of responsibility. She is so gentle with her brothers and being less bossy with them. She is keeping a notebook of her earnings. I decided I would teach them some things about money from the beginning that I never learned and to this day, I struggle with. So, from their allowance and her babysitting money, 10% goes to tithe at church, 10% is saved in their piggy bank (until they get $10 and can start a savings account) and then the rest they are free to spend.
Tonight, I was showing my daughter how she can add up her earnings, a quick way to figure out 10% and then how to figure out what she will have left. She was tickled that she had made an estimated guess and was very close. It's practical math. The boys want to find other ways to earn money so they were trying to give kids in the neighborhood wagon rides for either a nickel or a quarter a minute. They also want to sell Lemonade but I told them that they will need to use their own money to pay for their lemonade start-up product, and not the lemonade I buy for dinner.
My Mom and Dad have a craft show business but both of them are having some issues with their health. My Dad is getting a hip replacement in September and my Mom had a total knee replacement over a year ago...so setting up and taking down is going to be difficult for them. But now that I have these children who are big enough to help and have gotten a taste for working for pay, my parents are going to hire them for their craft shows to help them with their set-ups and take downs.
It's more real world than being the next David Beckam, Tiger Woods or Kobe Bryant.
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