Times, they are a changin'

Week 1 of my new job is done. Today, I started week 2. I really think I am going to like this job a lot. I am a Registered Nurse Case Manager for a home care company. I will learn how to draw blood, wound care as well as lots of paperwork. But there is a great deal of flexibility, setting my own schedule and opportunity to make bonuses for extra visits as well as mileage for my driving.

Sometimes, things happen in my life that I cannot explain why. And sometimes, God gives me a peek at why events unfolded like they did. A year ago, I was comfortable in my old job with the county. But I was also kind of bored. I had reached the point where I feel like I had mastered the tasks but there was no where to go, no opportunity to move ahead. But it was still security.

Then my basket was upset by being forced to find something different. The opportunity to move into long-term care provided me a great deal of new challenges. I really learned a lot about an area of nursing I had not known about. The challenge was perhaps greater than my abilities. I think I could have grown into the role but it did not work out that way. However, in my new position, the new things I learned in long term care and geriatric care are coming into play with the skill set I have. I have new things to learn but there are things I can look at now and see that if I had not worked in long-term care, I would not be familiar with what I will be learning now but in greater depth. I can see that I have an opportunity to become a stronger and more skilled nurse. I still live on faith and prayer. I took a drastic pay cut but in the end, I think I will be happier. Already the skills and knowledge I have are being appreciated and remarked on. I have much to learn but I am excited to try new things!

Well That's a Fine Howdy-do

I walked in to work today and discovered that my desk had been completely rearranged and cleaned off. I did not like that at all. Sadly, when I looked at what she had done, I did have to admit, I liked her arrangement better. However, I still felt as if I had been invaded. My desk is not always neat and tidy which is something that the Queen Bee likes. She doesn't like anything laying out. But that is her issue. My desk is my space given to me for me to do my work. It's one thing when there is a shared space such as a nursing station but in my office, at my desk, I should have the freedom to spread things out as I see fit. I have my own way of making sure I get things done. If I clear everything off my desk every day, I often forget if I had finished something. So, I leave myself a neat little stack of To Do items, usually with little notes written on a post-it, so I know where I left off.

Now she did leave me a little note on my computer explaining what she did and why. But still. And then when she came in, she sweetly talked about it and tried to make it like it was no big deal. I am kicking myself because I did not speak up and say, "You know, that really annoyed me. And while I understand that you were trying to help me out, rearranging my desk goes a little too far." Instead, I just tucked my feelings away and tried to ignore how annoyed I was.

She proceeded to tell me that she gave me a glowing evaluation after my interview on Thursday and that the company had called right after my interview. They also called today to talk about my interview but I missed the call. I wonder if that is a good sign? I will have to wait til tomorrow to find out for sure. If it is a job offer, I already know that I want the job. It sounds a lot like what I did before but with some new things in like learning how to draw blood and do more wound care.

It just gets weirder

I feel like a pawn. And unfortunately, the pawn is always expendable.

Apparently, if I am reading the situation correctly, the Big Boss did not know that the DON (or as a friend calls her "the Queen Bee") had given me 30 day Walking Papers. When I announced my last day, he said, "Wow. Really? We need to talk about that." It took me two days to catch a moment to talk to him and when I did, I was surprised. He said that it was his understanding that I was being given a 30 day correction plan. I laid out what happened when she terminated me. It happened to be at the same time that he left the building for a week and 1/2 for the funeral and recuperation after his mother-in-law died. He told me, "Why do you say June 18th? Do you have a job lined up?" No, I do not. "We need you here." Basically, the agreement as it stands now is that I can stay at my current position while I continue to look for another job. I added that I would like the flexibility to go to interviews as they come up. Agreed.

And he said he will talk to Queen Bee about the situation. Hmmm. That could make Monday very interesting. I have not seen QB since I left for a interview on Thursday and at that time, she had not met with Big Boss yet so she was unaware of our new agreement.

I have been asked by many people if I will stay on if they were to rescind the termination. I do not think that is going to be in my best interest. There is no security. I know that QB does not want me there and I have seen her "in action" a bit to know that she could make my life very miserable if she does not get what she wants. So right now I am going to do what is good for me. It is better for me financially, obviously, because it means I will not go on unemployment or lose my insurance. However, I need security. I need to be in a job where I am trusted and my work is valued. And I need to work in a place that is upfront and values honesty. I shouldn't have to go digging for it or begging for answers.

My life is so weird, I can't make this stuff up...

I have had a "perfect storm" of events in the last few weeks. Actually, it all kind of happened in one week, but the repercussions are still be felt now. In the middle of May, I turned 39. No big deal. It's a birthday. It was a busy week because we were getting ready to move from the townhouse in Hugo to a new home in Lexington. My birthday was weird. I had to work. I'm used to that. I have always either worked or had finals or other things occur on my birthday. No parades or national holidays...just life. But I did get sung to on my voicemail by my sister and my kids told me Happy Birthday all day long. I got sung to at work and they bought me lunch but no one ate with me. That should have been a clue.

The next day, at the end of the day, the Director of Nursing sat me down in my office and told me that she was giving me 30 days to find a new job and did I have any questions. What do you say to that? Clearly, she is not happy with my work but not so unhappy or concerned with what I do that she didn't need or couldn't justify an escort out the door that day. But she did let me leave early. This was Thursday afternoon and I had Friday off in order to finish getting ready to move on Saturday.

So, in the midst of trying to get things in order to pack, finish painting and all those little details that need attention, my mind is racing in a hundred different directions because now I need a new job and I have to face going back to work on Monday knowing that I am no longer wanted or needed in that position.

I have wise people in my life who gave me a lot of tidbits and things to ponder. If I was in any way endangering the safety of the nursing home, I would not have gotten 30 days. If the quality of my work was an issue, I would not have gotten 30 days. Instead, I was not the person the new DON wanted to work with and truth be told, I have been struggling to keep up with all the various tasks that get thrown at me during the day so perhaps this job is too big for me to handle at this point. And this is really an opportunity to take what I have learned and move on to something else. It in no way means I am a bad nurse or a bad manager or ineffective leader. "Not a good fit" is very appropriate. I didn't fit Camden and Camden didn't fit me.

But it has been weird going to work every day feeling like "dead man walking" or the "lame duck ADON". Except that very few people know that I am the lame duck ADON. I have decided that I will continue to hold my head high and walk in to work every day, work hard, do my very best work and smile. I will be gracious and kind and not be bitter. There are a lot of nasty things I could do but that is really beneath me as the kind of person I want to be. As some people have told me, go in to work and do your job in such a way that they regret their decision.

And that is what I do. Amazingly, it gets easier every day. The every-day issues don't bother me. Sometimes I still feel the sting of being rejected or being lashed out against but I take myself into my office and remind myself that I don't have to take it personally. My countdown clock has started. And there is a job out there that has my name written all over it; it will use my gifts and abilities and also provide challenge and growth.

To compound the supposed simplicity of my life, (Ha ha ha. )I learned from a private assessment that my youngest son will more than likely be repeating first grade and that at some point during the year (earlier rather than later, in my opinion), he shut down and lost his confidence. The assessment placed him at a Kindergarten level. To me, it feels as if 1st grade was a complete wash and that despite my repeated requests for help for him, he was just pushed along with very little indication of how serious the problem was. It wasn't until I completed a parent survey for grade retention that I learned of his teacher's opinion that he should have been held back in Kindergarten. If this was his opinion, why didn't this get dealt with in September or October. I am angry and sad for my son and his frustrations. Looking back, it is so clear how much he was struggling. He has told me about his good-bad days and then one day how excited he was last week when he got the right answer for a math problem and his teacher told him he gets a pat on the back. I realized that he has had very little "successes" through the year but has felt a lot of criticism. It makes me want to cry.

So, my family has taken Peanut on as a "village" project. My sister, the english teacher, will be tutoring him through the summer. My Mom is going to do some extra 1:1 enrichment tutoring and the irony for me, I am going to help him with math. Me, the reformed hater of math...the one who struggled to multiply and hated Algebra and Geometry...I am going to work on math skills. The primary goal for Peanut is to overcome this hump of low self confidence and even if he repeats the first grade, he will be more prepared and feel good about himself.

Oh, there's more but I'm tired.

Back in the saddle...

Ok, I confess, I signed up on eHarmony. I don't think I want to explain the many complex and varied reasons why. I just did. It was a bit of a whim. Actually, there was another site I had been on before and became involved in a 2 year relationship. That ended badly. I first checked back there for a 7 day "Free Preview because we want you back". Out of that little experience, I got an email from a GI in Iraq, supposedly but then the more he started writing, the more it seemed like something was off and I wondered if this was a real person. I was also IM'd by someone who really did not want to get to know me but was interested in what can be described as nothing else but "cyber sex". That was scary. No thanks.

I had been slowly transitioning out of an old email but did not know how to close it down and part of me did not really want to close it because "what if..." but after these two experiences, I figured it out quickly and do not regret it. Everyone who does know me has my real email or has been notified of the change.

So, then eHarmony had many aspects of safety. It is not foolproof but there are many barriers to outright communication with someone before they can get any identifying information or contact information. So, tonight, I have a date with a match. So far, he seems pretty normal. We have seen each other's pictures and talked on the phone a lot.

I'm excited. But I am very nervous. It has been a long time since anyone has asked me out and I don't know if I can even think of someone planning out the whole evening. That part seems very sweet. I have my safety plan in place. One of my friends has my itinerary and knows where I am going to be throughout the evening and she has asked me to send her a text when I get home. Several other people know I am going out. I will have my cell phone and if I need help, for some reason, I know who I can count on. It's doubtful I will need to institute any sort of back-up plan but these days, it is good to have one.

More thoughts on grief

Maybe you are tired of reading about this experience. I don't know. But it is where I am at and it is what I think about. I just hope that something I says resonates with your experience and brings comfort and peace or prepares your for a time when you will go through a time of grieving.

I have determined that grief is a solitary experience. There is no person on this earth who is going to experience it in exactly the same way. The Lord is the only one who knows exactly what I am going through. I think this may be why so many people, including myself, find comfort in the 23rd Psalm:

"The LORD is my sheperd, I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters.
He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You annointed my head with oil; My cup overflows.
Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life, And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. " Psalm 23: 1-6

Right now, my mother and my two sisters are all grieving the loss of the same person. But in many ways, we grieve alone and cannot share with each other what we are going through. I had a conversation with my Mom yesterday in which she told me what she is going through. It was raw and meaningful. And it hurt. But it was what I needed to hear from her. I needed to know what she is going through, what her experience is. I needed to know that she does not have the capacity to go through my grief with me. She even conveyed that she does not know what it must be like to lose a father. It is far to complicated to explain on this blog, but while she did lose her father about 15 years ago, her grieving was short and was more of a relief after a lifelong turmultous and strained relationship with him.

What she has lost is her best friend; the lover of her youth, her companion through so much of her adult life. I can't fathom that pain. What I have lost is my father. Same person, different relationship. Different grief.

She said, and admitted quickly that it came out wrong, that none of us girls knows what it is like to lose a husband. As soon as she said it, she knew she struck a nerve. Again, it's not the same. I did lose a husband and a best friend. He is not dead and he still sort of haunts me. It is the time of year where I get the annual letter from him. I dread it every year and am always relieved when it finally comes and I can finally get it over with. He comes to me in my dreams and I wake up wanting to scream. I hate it. In many ways, death would be easier to deal with because there is an end. I still face the consequences. I still face the fact that someday, he is going to get out of prison and he is going to try to enter our lives again, my children are going to hurt and I will be picking up the peices again. And that is something that NO ONE can possibly understand but me and the Lord.

The solution instead, I think, is to acknowledge the pain and the hurt of others and listen when they need to talk, to be present in their lives and just "be" with them. And sometimes, when the pain is too much to bear alone, the sadness comes in a huge tidal wave and no one knows it but you, reach out and tell your family that you are having a hard time. I can't expect anyone to know through ESP that I am having a tough time. If I can't handle it alone, it is my responsibility to speak up and ask for comfort. Or maybe all I need to do is take a moment to roll with the pain, ride the wave and cry it out.

This weekend, I was cleaning out my garage and organizing it so that I can start packing boxes and moving them in to the garage. When I moved in to this home, my kitchen was seriously lacking cupboard space. My mom offered this piece of furniture we call the Pie Cupboard until a time when I could get more shelves or something. This cupboard is the first piece of furniture my Dad made. When I lived with my parents, my Dad put a lock on it so that we could keep some things out of the reach of little fingers. I decided to take the lock off. One of my children actually broke part of the lock a year ago. I asked my Mom if she wanted this back and she said no. I was pleased because it reminds me of my Dad. I sat down and undid the screws for the lock and then I began to touch the wood and started to remember the time when my Dad built this and all the things we had stored in it over the years. I studied it inside and out. I don't know how to describe it but I just felt both sad because I miss him so much but at the same time, the memories were pleasant and happy. I cried for quite a while. It was what I needed.

I'm so overwhelmed that I am almost paralyzed. Every where I go, there is junk to step on, move around, things to wash, put away, sort through or get rid of. I just can't get a handle on all of it.

At work, I am learning how to delegate tasks to the nurses I supervise. Part of delegation is also learning how to let go. I need to delegate at home and that is something I am having much more difficulty with because my children are definitely not at a level that I would like. But then how else are they to grow if I don't start enforcing my expectations?

We have the opportunity to start fresh because we are moving. Over the course of the next several weeks until moving day in May, I am going to start packing things away in boxes and putting them in the garage. While I do that, I can sort out what we don't need and what can go on the garage sale my Mom and I are going to do in June. She has graciously offered to let me start bringing things over to her garage now so that I don't have to move things twice.

I think one of the problems is that there has been a severe break down in my organizational system. And I have been running like mad since my new job started. My evenings feel very short and I am generally very tired when I get home. I'm out of balance.

I am taking the summer term off of grad school. So for 4 months, I will be able to concentrate on work and kids. The kids will be off for the summer and it will be a good time to start some new habits. If I apply what I am learning at work to what needs to happen at home, I need to establish the expectations and then take the time to practice those new expectations until they begin to feel natural and a part of what we do. I hope 4 months is enough time to do that before school starts back up for everyone.