I feel like Eyeore

I mentioned before that August is a bad month for me. And this has been one of the toughest ones I have had in a long time. My kids, however, have done beautifully. And for that I am grateful. I am the one who feels like I am falling apart.

I have been so tired; physically and mentally. I just can't seem to get enough sleep. I have been feeling that way all summer, actually. I can find no reason to explain it. I get enough sleep. I seem to sleep well when I go to bed. Nothing has changed in that area. I just find it harder and harder to wake up in the morning. It finally did dawn on me a week or so ago. Depression.

My black cloud.

I thought I had it under control. I take an antidepressant every day. I have for about 12 years, since I developed severe post-partum depression. I have tried to take myself off of it a few times and know that when I do, it's bad for everyone because I get irritable, moody and tired. Life is just no fun. So, I decided that like my thyroid medicine, it is something I will take lifelong.

Things have just slipped downhill to the point where I cannot fix it alone. Thankfully, I do have several people in my life who are aware and watch for me. They see the signs and call me out. I kind of blew it off at first but I tucked the warning away in a corner where it could whisper to me, getting louder until I had to listen.

My breaking point found me driving to work, crying over a silly comment a friend made on my Facebook page. I know it was meant in fun but I blew it out of proportion in my head and felt hurt, then angry, followed by sadness and tears. It hit me that I was being completely irrational. I had to talk it out in order to hear it. When I heard the words come out of my mouth, I heard how irrational it was and then I could talk myself through that and get over it.

I called and got myself into my doctor. I called and set up therapy. I talked to my Mom. I know I am getting myself back on track but I still feel like I am dragging my black cloud around with me. I still feel tired. I did find out from my visit with my dentist and my doctor that I had an infected tooth that required a root canal. I got that taken care of. I also learned that I am deficient in Vitamin D which could be contributing to my increased depression. A simple supplement could take care of that, along with the bump in my antidepressant. I also learned that this crazy problem I have been having with pain in my thumb is actually something, and not just my imagination. So I have a splint to wear in order to rest my thumb and get the swelling down around the nerve because it may be a repetitive stress injury.

I fight every day to get up. I fight every day to keep myself on track financially but I struggle with feeling both apathetic and hopeless that I cannot ever manage my banking right, so why bother. I continue to feel gloomy and irritable. It does seem better, but it is very slow.