I am really struggling. I am hating the fact that I have to work. I am hating the fact that my house is falling apart. The laundry is piling up. The bathrooms are natural disasters. I'm afraid that something furry is going to grow in my kitchen because I have dishes to do. I feel as if I am stuck in slow motion while the rest of the world has sped up. I fear I will never catch up.

And I wonder if people forget that I am still grieving, that it is going to take a long time for me to feel normal again, for me to wake up and not feel like crying every day, for me to not wish I could just pick up the phone and call my Dad, just to hear his voice. I am afraid I will forget what his voice sounds like. It's horribly unfair.

My kids are working through their sadness in their own ways. Pumpkin-head had some regression back to wetting the bed a few times. That seems to have stopped but he worried every night that he was going to do it again. All of them have issues with concentration and focus in school. Peanut is the one who just breaks my heart because he will ask me questions that are completely out of the blue, in my eyes.

"What if you die, Mom?"
"Is Aunt Desert Bloom dead?"
"What if Charley dies?"
"I sure do miss Grandpa."

Bless his little, 6 year old heart. He is trying so hard to grasp it all. And he is afraid. So, when he asks me questions like this, I just try to answer honestly.

Well, sweetie, we don't have a guarantee about how long we will live. But when Mommy does die, I'm going to be with Jesus in heaven, so that is a good thing. I wonder if you worry about who will take care of you? You will not be alone. Aunt Desert Bloom or the Mrs and Biker Boy will take care of you. Mom will make sure that you are taken care of.

I need to write up my will and make these plans official.