Embracing change

So many things are changing right now. It does seem to make my head spin and I wonder how it is that I am not huddled in a corner, knees to chest, rocking and sucking my thumb.

Because I am a grown-up, that's why. And, because I have realized that the only thing I can truly count on staying the same is that everything is going to change eventually. I may not like it. It may hurt or feel uncomfortable and it usually means I am will be tossed out of my comfortable bubble. Tough. That's life.

I am reading a chapter in my course book for my Master's degree and this week's topic is on change. One of the statements that hit me, like a stake to my heart, is that "the tension between stability and chaos creates change" (Grossman & Valiga, 2009, p. 116) and "a system maintains itself only if change is occurring in it all the time." (Grossman & Valiga, 2009, p 117). I realized as I read this that it is this very process of chaotic craziness that is changing me and helping me grow! So embrace it, baby!

I thought it would be "fun" to write out the changes that are occurring in my life at the moment. If nothing else it will show me that I am living my life out on that edge of chaos and there is a purpose for it. I may not know all of the purpose for it but for me, I am a simple enough person to be content to know that sooner or later, I will know the reason.

1. Grieving the death of my Dad. This is still huge. A friend of mine mentioned that grieving takes 1000 days. I like that because it takes the pressure off of me when I think ,"Come on, get over it. Let it go." Yet at the same time, the process of letting it go takes time and cannot be rushed.
2. One job ending. It was not something I wanted to happen. I was content. But at the same time, if I am truly honest with myself, I knew that it was never going to be "the last stop" in my career. At some point, I was going to grow beyond that job. What I had to let go of was the loss of it being on my terms and by my choice.
3. A new job beginning. This is exciting. New challenges, new responsibilities. But stress, anxiety and fear. I'm just laying it out there.
4. Going back to school again. Granted, I do all my schooling from home, filling it in around the rest of my life. There is no other way I could do it! But it does add stress and a burden. At the same time, I feel like my mind is just a sponge. I had been sitting on the fence for so long about whether I should start or not and could I hack it. Now I am reading books like the one I mentioned above and seeing how my learning process is spilling over into every area of my life. I am ready for this.
5. A teenage daughter. So far, so good. I'm seeing more emotional lability and some challenges to my authority. But she is a good girl and I think we have a good relationship. So we talk about the changes going on with her. I'm working through some grief knowing that my time with her at home is getting shorter and she is going to start pulling away. It has begun already with long weekend trips with the youth group and summer camp. So, I say to myself alot, "Give her roots and wings."
6. Another adolescent on the verge. An 11 year old boy who makes me laugh, cry and scratch my head or want to ram my head into a wall in frustration. And that is just in 30 minutes. Yet, I have seen so much growth in him over the last year. His brain is developing and the logical aspects are kicking in. He is very black and white. Some of that is being ADHD. He also has to see how this applies to him and if it does not, good luck getting him on board.
7. More battles with the school regarding absences and a report to the county of educational neglect. Ugh. I know in my heart that I am not "Educationally neglecting" my children but the thought that someone out there thinks I am, because my kids got the very illness that is causing a "pandemic" across the world, just bugs me.
8. Another move. It's been almost 2 years. I'm frustrated with this townhouse. I have a place to go. It's hard to wait. But the thought of packing and unpacking again. Sigh.
9. Basketball practice once a week and games on Saturdays. And a boy who wants to play but is struggling with a coach who is a little harder and does not go by BB's rules. As soon as the clock hits 7pm, BB believes practice is over and he starts to shut down. I watch him at practice and in games and while he seems to have a good time playing, this is not something that stirs passion in him. It's painful to watch.
10. A comment from my 8 year old, while we were at the Mall of America, "We need another person in our family. A father." That is something that has been with us for 7 years and is a wound that I can't heal completely from myself. How do I explain to him that I know he wants and needs a father and at the same time, I am going to be very, very picky about who gets to be that for him? At the same time, there is a very real possibility that a father at this point in his life, is not part of God's plan. Instead, I pull him close, kiss him on the head and whisper, "I know, baby, I know."

I think that is it. It's enough, isn't it? Is it any wonder that I feel tired and a little overwhelmed? When I look at that list and then I walk through my house, I find myself lightening up a bit on my aggravation with how things are not clean for long. In many ways, we are still working on a "survival mode" while also developing some skills. It's a season. We are dancing on the edge of chaos but it is that edge that sharpens us, pulls us together as a family and builds our character.



Grossman, S. & Valiga, T. (2009). The new leadership challenge: Creating the future of nursing. Philadelphia: F. A. Davis Company.