It was a tough one in many respects. Last week marked the 6 month anniversary of my father's death. At first, I did not think it was affecting me very much. However, my reaction was delayed and I found myself on an emotional roller coaster this week. I was driving in to work and saw a red Ford pick-up. All of a sudden, the tears just started falling and the words I had been holding back came out.
I miss him so much. I was not ready to let him go. I was not ready to say good-bye. I hurt. I feel empty inside. I hate the pain. I hate seeing my Mom hurting and my sisters and my kids. I miss calling him. I miss seeing him standing on the deck at the house. I miss seeing him in the garage waving at me as I drive up or drive away. I miss seeing him in his favorite chair. Every where I turn, I am reminded of him and then reminded that he is not here.
By the time I got to work, my eyes were red and puffy. I had to talk myself through it and get myself under control. My soon-to-be boss started talking to me and then she stopped and said, "You look like you have been crying." And I told her I was having a tough day with thoughts of my Dad. I told her to continue with what she was telling me and she said, "I feel like I want to fix it for you." I told her that I was trying to get a handle on myself so distraction would be a good plan.
Two more residents are moving towards dying. The other ADON's mother is going back to her home to die. I have to face it. I have to let myself feel my feelings and allow myself to cry if that is what I need to do. It is OK.
1 comment:
I appreciate your posts about your grief about your dad. I literally cried every day for a year after my mom died. I'm glad that happened now, because I can look back and say, "I really did have a great relationship with my mom, and I felt her loss every day for a whole year." Hang in there!
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