The Aha! Moment

I'm depressed. That is my big revelation.

I was laying in bed this morning, knowing full well that as a fully matured, gainfully employed adult, I needed to get up and get going, I just kept pulling the covers over my head and hitting the snooze. Even with the kitten, Clifford the Girl, who is now Princess Nuisance, crawling all over me, demanding to be snuggled or she would attack my toes, bite my hair, push her head under my hand and into my face in a variety of attacks, or rapid succession, I still could not get myself up.

I went to bed at a decent hour. I set my alarm for 6am. Not terribly early for me anymore. I was within my usual optimum of 7 hours. So why can't I crawl out of bed and get moving?

Depression.

Yuck. Labeling it however, does ease my mind. I have been down this path before. I even know in my head that it is a normal reaction, all things considered. I am grieving my father. I am working in a new job that often leaves me feeling "over my head". I have 4 children, two of whom are struggling with school. All of them are struggling in their own way with their own sadness and loss. Peanut told Grandma that he can talk to Grandpa but Grandpa can only see him when he is outside. But God can see him when he is inside. It is cute. And it is a clue that he is struggling to make sense of why his beloved Grandpa is no longer here. I'm also taking graduate level classes. I feel over-run with clutter and daily housekeeping. Even the small tasks seem like an overwhelming burden.

This is not typical for me. But in light of a depression. It makes sense. The first step for me is to understand that this is what is going on. Doing so, I am able to give myself more grace. I don't let myself off the hook for things that need to get done. But I can recognize that the road out of depression is slow at times. The feeling of being overwhelmed and unable to do anything, is part of it.

With my past history of depression, post-partum depression with my first child, I have learned a thing or two. Take my medication daily. Don't give in to the "cover my head and tune out the world". Do something. Anything. Steady plodding. And face the feelings.

Depression is commonly misunderstood as being sadness. That is part of it. But the true root of depression is actually anger. I tell this to myself more than anything because I know that for me, part of my ability to recover and heal is to get to the root. I tend to stuff my difficult emotions. I don't have time to deal with them. It hurts too much to pay attention to them. It causes others distress if I show them. All of this boils into a pot of feeling misunderstood, uncared for by those closest to me, feeling taken for granted, with a dash (or a heap) of sadness, some "righteous" indignation and some whining ("It's not fair."). Quite a stew.

I think part of my identification that this is indeed depression is also an indicator that I am finally ready to face some of those difficult emotions swirling around in my head. The grief I have a handle on. The anger, not so much. The anger scares me. It always has. That's why I stuff it.

With that thought, I need to take a shower and get going to work, so I can stay gainfully employed.