Payday arrived. But I am not out of the woods. I sat down last night and faced my checkbook, chanting to myself, "They are only numbers...they are only numbers...". It was painful. But I have gas in my tank, food on my shelf and I will pay my daycare provider and my car payment. The rest is up in the air. I don't know how I will manage the $400 deficit of things that will be automatically withdrawn from my account over the course of the next few weeks, before my next paycheck.
It is stressing me out so bad, I woke up early with my stomach in knots. I did make the decision that my highest priority is to make sure I have cash in hand for gas and that I pay cash to my childcare provider. She has already extended me great courtesy and I will not presume upon her any further.
I also tallied up the amount of fees I have incurred over the past month and half and this does explain why I am continually falling short and feeling such a pinch. I feel that I must revisit the credit union on Monday and although it is not their policy to reverse more than one overdraft per year, I have to try. If they would reverse even half of them, it would help me catch up. This would be my point...some of this problem I am having is that I did get sloppy with my checkbook and did not watch the balance, nor keep a record and I am correcting myself on that. I am forcing myself to diligently check both online and on Quicken, as well as enter transactions as they occur that day so that there are no more surprises. I am learning from my mistakes. I am switching over to cash on as many things as I can so that I do not use my debit card and thus spend money blindly, per my previous habit. I am in the process, with the help of this great book that I highly recommend called "Debt Proof Living" by Mary Hunt, of tracking where every penny goes, no matter if it is $.50 for a can of pop to the rent payment on a daily basis and then when I have done that for a month, she has another step-by-step process for determining what I am spending money on, where money is leaking out and developing a spending plan so that I can learn to be a good steward, she says "money manager" but good steward works for me.
I am realizing that I have not developed good management skills. I also have some hang-ups about money that have placed me in this position. It is one of the reasons I am going back to therapy, to sort that out and figure out why I do some really stupid, self-defeating, even risky things in many areas, not just finances. I am trying to grow up and be responsible and thus take responsibility for my actions. However, it does not mean I can't ask for help in appropriate ways. Such as going back to the credit union and seeing if there is any room to work there, if I lay out my plan and show how I am working on ending this cycle of bouncing checks. But if I don't find a way to cork it off, it's going to take a really long time and I fear I will develop an ulcer.
The other thing that woke me up early is a new issue that has come to light regarding my job and a potential change that could, theoretically, occur as soon as August 6. I am really upset about it but at this point, I have done everything I can on my end and all I can do is wait to see how things shake out.
There are a number of jobs being eliminated across the board in the Department of Human Services and State Operated Services, of which I am a state employee. My job is not on the chopping block, however, there is a nurse who is planning to retire in December whose job is being eliminated. The kicker is that the agency she contracts with would like to keep her and would like to develop a contract. However, if a contract can't be made, then she would be able to and would most likely bump me out of my position because of some sort of contractual thing that says she can because of her work site being over 35 miles from the "mother ship" and my work site is within 35 miles of her work site, however, because she is an RN senior, she would actually bump my colleague, who would then bump me out of my position and I have the option to bump a less senior nurse from a position at the "mother ship" or take a vacant position.
It all stinks. I have a great job that I have worked hard at over the last 15 months developing rapport with my clients, building relationships with providers and cohesion in my team. Not to mention that I have an awesome schedule...M-F, day hours, no weekends, no holidays and not mandatory overtime. If I have to go back to working at the Regional Treatment Center, I lose all of that. I go back to working rotating shifts between 7am-3:30pm or 3pm-11:30pm, potentially I can get "stuck" if there is a sick leave and no one who wants to come in and cover it, I would work a schedule of 7 days on, 2 days off then 3 days on and 2 days off. Ick, ick, ick. I don't mind the work. I enjoyed it when I did it but as a single mother, going back to this will be a real hardship for me. I was looking forward to my childcare costs going down to just a monthly tuition for my Kindergartner and now I will have to have childcare when I work evenings and when I work weekends.
I am also feeling very hurt because my colleague at the county called me on the phone to say that she was feeling "just sick about all of this...but you know, Tulip, if I have to bump you, I will." It felt like I was being shown the knife that would stab me in the back. It is her right to do this. She has a higher classification than me, more seniority however, I have worked in this position longer than her. And truthfully, it just outright hurt.
I needed to make a decision about what I would want "in the event" I had to bump back to the RTC. I was given a list of options, including potential positions where I could bump someone less senior out of their position, as well as two units that had vacant positions. I decided that since there were vacant positions, I could not in good conscience bump someone out of their position. If it came down to it and I had no alternative, I would but I would not be happy about it and would probably lose a lot of sleep over it. But in this case, I feel like I made a decision that will rest my conscience and will not stir up any more bad blood than there already is. However, because there is so much potential shifting around, there is still the possibility that I would have to bump someone. But I will cross that bridge when I get to it.
My supervisor is working on this contract for the woman who is retiring and hopefully, he will be able to get it put together in time and none of this shifting around in my part of the world will have to happen. That is my prayer. And I have to sit tight for a couple more weeks to see how things fall together. I think for my own mental health, I am going to try to let it rest there. I have so much other stuff on my mind that I don't need to add more to the mix, nor make the ulcer I have brewing grow any bigger.
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