The Office Drama

My unit, Adult mental health, is divided in two offices...North and south. The division runs deeper than geography and it is becoming more readily apparent as time goes on. This week, I was afraid we might have bloodshed or at least some raised voices.

It started at our monthly unit meeting where supposedly all 22 of us are to meet and go over various topics. Every one of my team was present and accounted for. But the south team was missing a few people, a fact I took a mental note of. I figured that if any one from my team had missed a meeting, my supervisor would mention it. I can verify it as true because it happened to me when I had inadvertantly missed a unit meeting. And I have never missed one since. Made me wonder if any one from the south team gets a little mini lecture about the importance of attendance...this was of course, all in my mental note to self.

The meeting carried on through the items on the agenda. And then the topic of the Unit Christmas Party came up which has been postponed til after Christmas due to other events that have come up and schedules...It was announced to us that the party would be held at this very swanky, upscale restaurant on a golf course in Woodbury. One person spoke up to say that he most likely would not be able to attend because he is in his graduate program and has a very heavy schedule...he's on my north team. Then another person on my team spoke up and clarified that this was the restaurant on the golf course...It was. The meeting adjourned and we headed off to return to our work.

Later in the day, the drama began.

The Grad student printed off the menu and began to show it to people in the office, "Did you see the prices? They start at $20 a plate and that is just for a meal...that doesn't include the gratuity...or a drink...."

I walked by and Grad student mentioned the menu to me. I said I would take a look. I mentioned that I was just a little miffed that we were not included in the decision at all...we were just told that this was where it was going to be and was this date ok. But the prices were concerning.

After I made my copies and checked my mailbox, I walked over to the cubes of my co-workers. The grumblings were getting louder. And suddenly, it sounded like there was going to be a coup and the north team was going to skip the fancy-schmancy party and go to Taco Bell instead.

Our acting supervisor was on her way out the door for the evening and we stopped her and told her how we were all feeling. She said that she would discuss our concerns the next day with the south supervisor. So we felt a little better, at least we had been heard and we had an alternate plan; Taco Bell and bowling.

After this drama, I had a conversation with my mom and told her about this. She started laughing and said it was just like an episode of "The Office" she had just seen about two companies that merged and were planning a joint Christmas party. We were both laughing by the end of the conversation. I am living out a television show.

The next day, I was back at work but not in my office until the afternoon and my supervisor said that she had some "proposals" from the south team for the Christmas party. Already, I don't like the way this is going. They are once again, taking charge, but I tried to hear out their suggestions. Option 1: Drinks at this Snooty Bar with the option of staying for dinner. Option 2: Bowling and Option 3: Renting the conference center at St. Croix Bluffs and having a potluck.

Well, my opinion is that I definitely didn't want to go to a snooty place and have the "option" of having dinner. I'm not a big drinker so having that as the focus is kind of bothersome to me too. And then we are all working that day, so how are we supposed to prepare something for a potluck in the evening and bring it all the way down to St. Croix Bluffs....and I live way up in Forest Lake?? Nope...So I opted for bowling...or to go to some place like Champs.

The drama continues. We shall see how things unfold this week. And I thought the crazy people I would work with were going to be my clients!!!

My Adventures in Shoveling

Being in a house for the first time in MN, as an adult, and being responsible for my own shoveling has been eye opening after this past weekend's storms. First of all, I didn't have a shovel any bigger than a kid sized shovel that I found in my work car. So, I gave the kids lids to plastic storage containers and had them scoop up snow while I used the baby shovel for the first storm. It was frustrating and exhausting.

So, when snow was threateningly imminent, I bought a bigger shovel for me and another smaller shovel for one of my kids. So, now there are 3 shovels, figuring my two older kids can shovel. I didn't count on my kids fighting over the opportunity to shovel. Having a bigger shovel did make a difference. And having more shovelers made a difference too. We got more done and faster.

My house is right off of a busy road and having a clear driveway, I am realizing is not only "nice", it's critical. So, I was up at the top of the drive trying to clear it down to pavement and the gravel so that I would have traction when I need to dart out in the morning, because that is often what I have to do to when I leave for work. I saw the snowplow coming at a pretty fast clip and I turned in toward my house and began walking but not fast enough. A huge spray of snow and road junk hit me full force across the back. I was stunned silent for a moment. I looked at Princess and PH and their jaws were on the driveway. Princess was wiping snow from her face and said she got a face full of snow. I told her that I got hit real hard with snow, dirt, ice and whatnot and that I probably was going to bruise.

I still didn't know what to say but I knew something had to be said. I continued shoveling for a few minutes, taking advantage of the rush of adrenaline that hit me but I started to ache and my head was getting cold and I knew I was full of road slop. Before announcing I was going inside for a hot shower, I told my kids, "This would be why it is very important that you NOT play by the side of the road during the winter. Did you see how fast that snow plow went? And he didn't see me at all? And even if he could, he couldn't slow down."

Then I looked at the driveway and decided it was good enough. My daughter said, "Mom, there isn't much left. I will finish it." What a good girl. If I wasn't so cold, my heart would have melted into a puddle right there.

"Be careful of snowplows", I said, as I walked into the house.

"If we see one, we are going to RUN!"

They are good kids and fast learners.

I have a bruised shoulder and bruised rib on top of sore muscles and back from shoveling. And believe me, if I see the snow plow coming, I'm running too!

Spelling

My little first grader, Pumpkin Head, is reading and spelling. He is quite tickled by this fact. Up until now, he has said he was just "practicing" but the other night we were at church having supper before Wednesday night clubs and BB offered to read a prayer off the table tent. After BB was done, I said to PH, "Next week, you can read the prayer."

"Oh Mommy, I can't read yet."

"You can't? What have you been doing in school all this time?" And then I had him read one of the prayers. He only stumbled on a few words but was able to sound out the rest just fine. After he finished and I said, "Honey, that was real nice reading.", he just about glowed like light on a Christmas tree.

Well, now that the connection has been made that he can read, he has realized that he can SPELL. Most of the time.

But I overheard him say to Peanut, "Peanut, I told you not to do that...Do you hear me...I said O-N."

I about fell off my chair. He was so sincere.

Presents from my Cat

My kitten is now 5 months old. She's the sweetest thing. We are all crazy about her. And this week, she has told us in her kitten way, that we are special to her. She brought us a gift. Twice.


I will warn you that this may be a little graffic

She came trotting up the stairs. Actually, it would be more acurate to say that she was strutting. So, I looked at her and she had something in her mouth. Princess was next to me and says, "OHHH! She has a mouse."

"Good Girl, Tiger"

She went downstairs with her trophy and I am thinking to myself, "I wonder where I will find the carcass?"

A few more minutes go by, and here comes Tiger again. The mouse is in her mouth. Apparently, the applause was not enough. She struts all the way in to my room and now I can see that she has the mouse by the back foot and it is not dead. The eyes are still shiny.

I found that a little unsettling.

My daughter squeaked as the mouse made a squeak. Tiger then drops the mouse, only to then quickly snatch it up again and trot back out of my room in triumph. If she could have made a noise with the mouse in her mouth, it would have been a haughty "hmmmphh".


I looked at my daughter and said, "I do believe that she was showing off. And wants us to know what a good hunter she is."

Then out of the corner of my eye, I see Tiger in the kitchen, she drops something and then jumps in the air and starts to romp. She was not done with her prey. She had more playing to do.

I am proud that she is a good mouser. I do so hate having mice in my house and I would rather not resort to poison. I am not opposed to it. I just don't like it. So, that was part of the reason for getting a cat and choosing not to declaw her...to keep little critters out of my house. I just wish she would keep these little gifts and trophies to herself. But then, how is a cat supposed to say "I love you guys and thanks for the food, the warm place to sleep and the playtime." She can't take the keys and go to Wal-mart for a card. I don't even think she can read. So, I shall resign to the occasional token mouse. New York's cat Cookie is a good hunter too. She brings him chipmunks. It's only fair.

However, this has inspired my daughter with an idea for her Young Inventors Fair. She needs to design some sort of invention. I told her that she should invent some sort of mini trash can that the cat can step on and drop her "gift" in and I would not have to scoop up a dead mouse, only tie up a little trash bag and toss it away. But seeing my kitty in action, she isn't likely to utilize such a convenience for my sake. But Princess needed a creative idea. The assignment said nothing about having to be totally based in reality.

Random Thoughts

#1 Aliens Abducted my Children but I think I like it
I have begun to prepare my school children for my impending arrival from work by giving them a warning call and telling them of my expectations:
1)lunch box on the counter,
2)shoes in the laundry room
3)backpacks and coats hanging in the laundry room.

It makes me less stressed and they are less "surprised" when I come home to find those things have not done or why I would be angry because they aren't. And I don't even have to raise my voice. I can say, "I believe I talked to you each on the phone and you agreed..." which is usually followed by a scrambling of feet. If it were a cartoon, I believe their feet would be represented as wheels and there would be a cloud of dust behind them.

Today, I came home and an unfamiliar odor was wafting through the house as I opened the door. I was intrigued. It was not unpleasant. It did not smell dangerous, like the sulfur of burnt matches or burnt toast. It smelled like "clean". Then I looked around and BB was dusting. PH was sweeping and Princess was using the Wet Jet on the tile floor on the landing.

I quickly stepped outside to check the numbers on the house to make sure I was in the right place. The numbers matched my checkbook. The kids looked familiar.

"Ok. Who are you? What have you done with MY children and...how long are you staying?"

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#2 Boy Babies
Peanut has been cracking me up this week. He is pretty funny most of the time anyway but lately, he has been especially funny.

He has made some bold declarations:

1)Boys when they grow up will have Boy Babies and Girls will have girl Babies
2)When he grows up he will have a boy baby that he will name after himself
3)And Kassiday WILL NOT be the mom
4)He will marry mommy. He asked me this weekend. three times.

I shared #3 with his daycare provider this morning and she shed some light onto where this was coming from. Kassiday had some declarations of her own.

1)When she grows up, she is going to marry my Peanut
2)And he will be the Daddy of all her babies

I laughed so hard!

A friend of mine at work has a 5 year old daughter who is in Kindergarten and she has a little boy who is in love with her and he has gone so far as to actually proprose to her daughter, even bringing her a ring. (it's plastic with a huge pink rock and peeling "gold" band). My friend asked her daughter what she said when he declared his feelings for her and she replied, "Well, I said 'Thank you'." And then she said that she would keep this treasure in her school box.

Who needs to watch reality TV?

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#3 I have coined a new phrase and would like to declare it here
I was dropping Peanut off at Sunday School. Up til now, he was fine going in, even jubilantly. But this week, he burst into tears, pulled on my leg and was inconsolable. I even tried to point out his friends including the twins, one of whom is a cute girl he always waves to across the sanctuary...nothing worked.

His teacher, Lord Bless her, took him by the hand and said "He'll be fine." I know this would be the case. I have done this with all 4 children. It just surprised me.

I smiled at her and said, "Thank you. I know. It's just a little Mama Drama".

I like that! I think it's catchy.

Go Fish

Did you ever play that game when you were a kid? I remember that we had a deck of cards that were shaped like fish and we would play for hours. My daughter showed me a deck of Go Fish cards when we were out shopping so I decided we would take them home and play. Poor Peanut wanted to play so badly but he doesn't know his fish very well nor does he know his numbers. He didn't stand a chance. They would eat him alive. So, I said that I would play a few hands when I finished with the dishes.

But when I sat down to play with them, I realized that they had their own rules. Banana Boy had 7 sets of pairs and then was dealing the cards. He had an real unfair advantage. Don't take this kid to Vegas!

"Whoa Son! Back the truck up a sec...let me explain to you how Fish is really played."

They didn't believe me and complained that they liked how they were playing it. But all I heard were squabbles and BB seemed to "win" all the time. I wonder why.

"Bring me the directions. Let's read up on it, shall we."

They grumbled and groaned. But pretty soon, they started getting into it. I would whisper into Peanut's ear and he would say, "P-wincess, do you have any St-war fish?" ( I love 4 year olds!!) and then when someone would ask us and we didn't have the card they wanted he would say, "You better catch a fish!"

I did set up some new rules for playing games:
1) Anyone caught cheating is out of the game.
2) The game is over when it stops being fun.

We had another rule when I was growing up but it probably won't be as necessary with boys as it was with a house full of girls. It was "the game is over when someone cries" rule, which was set into the Peterson Game Creed after the "Risk" fiasco of 1987 in which my father stormed through all of Europe, Africa and the Eastern Seaboard on one turn. We girls did not stand a chance. We also had another unwritten rule, "Don't play Risk with Dad."

Anyway, after 2 hands, Peanut was getting bored and I could tell that the fun was beginning to wind down so I suggested we pack it up for the day but they could play another time.

Today, they have been playing Go Fish all day long. I have enjoyed listening to them practice good manners; "Do you have an octopus?"(I'm so sneaky in how I insisted that it was part of the rules) instead of "Hey, give me all yer dolphins, punk!" (my kids don't use the word punk. I used that for creative emphasis.)But by late afternoon, the game was wearing thin and I called an end to it. BB was upset, and griping about it.

"Well, BB, nobody is having fun anymore. Remember that is one of mommy's rules? The game is over when the fun stops?"

"Everyone is still having fun. I'm having fun. It's not fair." said with a hrmmmph.

"Well, son, your sister just stormed up the stairs announcing that she is not a cheater and Pumpkin-head has been pouting because he feels like everyone is picking on him and he never gets any books. That doesn't sound like everyone is having fun."

"Hrmmmph...." as he throws the deck of cards at me. Point taken. Game over.

It brings back such good memories. Even the bickering. I had some good quarrels with my sisters that are now some of my fondest memories. Even the Risk Fiasco and The Great Uno Uprising (when my 3yo sister stomped the tar out of the rest of us who knew our numbers and could read!!) bring thoughts of "those were the good ole days"to mind. Does that mean I am getting old? Oh no.

I have been anxious for my kids to be old enough to understand the concept of games beyond Chutes and Ladders and Candyland. I really could not get into those games. They just bored me to tears. Don't even get me started on "Hi Ho Cherry-O". I hope that does not make me a terrible mother. I am not an athlete. You will not find me out running in the backyard, running with a soccerball or throwing a football, or trying to shoot a lay-up. But I do want some good, healthy competition, some jovial banter and laughter. I want to bond with my children in ways that only happen when you share jokes that no one understands unless they were at the table. That time has finally come. The family game time has arrived. I can almost taste the popcorn and hear the laughter.

Knocked off my Rocker

And I don't mean in the "mentally ill" sense of the word, which would be ironic considering I deal with mentally ill people all day long.

I feel knocked off my rocker by the Lord. I have been attending a Bible study on Monday nights by Beth Moore on the Patriarchs. She has said in the video that she feels that the women who are watching this and going through this study are called to it for a reason. And I do believe this to be true in my case but I did not fully comprehend why I felt this way. But after 7 weeks of study, I have reached the answer and it does not remotely revolve around "It fit into my schedule and was convenient".

I think that I have had two core issues that I have been wrestling with. It is interesting that I choose this picture of wrestling because we studied how Jacob wrestled all night with an angel of the Lord and would not let go until he got a blessing. I feel a bit like Jacob right now.

Issue #1:
Forgiving my former father-in-law. I have had no contact with him for the last 5 years. The last contact was a rather terse, harsh, and hateful email that probably wounded me more than anything and my reply reflected my own burning anger and hurt rather than the love and peace of Christ. It is complicated and I don't need to go into great detail about it. I know the issues and they are important only to me and to the Lord. However, what I have struggled with is forgiveness and letting go of the anger, the hurt and the deep sense of betrayal I have felt. Strangely, I have had a harder time forgiving him than I have had forgiving my ex-husband, who is in prison for the abuse of our daughter.
I don't pretend to understand why that is the case, but it is. I have felt a strong TUG to work this issue out, to let go of the hurt and the pain. I have struggled. I have stubbornly, and I mean stubbornly, refused to let it go. And I have felt the roots of bitterness taking hold. But I don't want my life to be shaped like that. Through the course of study, I have slammed into this subject from every direction one would think is possible. It cannot be denied. I have to forgive him. I have to let go. And at the same time, I know that I can let it go and I can decide to forgive him but it does not mean I need to let him back into my life and rebuild a relationship. Sometimes, it is not safe to do that and the Lord does not want us to walk back into abusive situations, but to deal with the past abuse and put it behind us. Or what I picture in my head as taking the "Doormat" sign off my head, and walking away, on the high but humble road.

In many of Beth's lessons, the SAME thing keeps coming to me. Do you think that is a clue? God could give me neon signs but evidently, He chose not to, He used His word to speak His will. In the margins of my lessons I have written several times, "Tulip, write M a letter." I need to acknowledge my own sin in holding a grudge, holding bitterness and anger against him, and ask him for forgiveness and then state that I am letting go of it all and that I will also forgive him for the pain and hurt I have felt from him. I started out with a "rough draft". It was 3 pages long. I get wordy sometimes. Too wordy, some would say. And then it hit me. The bare bones is all that needs to be said. "I'm sorry for holding anger and hurt against you for so long. Please forgive me. And I forgive you for the pain and hurt I have felt from you." And leave it at that and let the Lord take care of the rest.

Whew! And if that was not enough....

Issue #2
This is the hardest one to put into words. I have been abused by my ex-husband. There are people in my life who understand that and there are some who do not. It is the "do not's" that hurt. I want to make them understand the pain I went through, to know that some of my quirkiness has a source...some of my stubborness is because I am determined not to be pushed down and pushed around again...it's to protect myself. I have healed in so many ways but the scars are still there and they ache from time to time. The memories are there and I get flashbacks and react to those flashbacks. My abuse was not physical or sexual but that does not minimize or make it any less abuse. It was real and it had real effects in my life. My daughter was sexually abused. She has scars and some of her hurts have been dealt with but some things will not be dealt with until she is older and better able, more mature and what-have-you, to handle the loss of innocence. And that is real. She and I live with this every day. But Thank the Good Lord, I don't think about it every day like I used to. I don't dwell on it like I used to. She has accepted and dealt with it as much as she is able to at this point in her life. We have healed tremendously. We are walking miracles.
But there is a part of me that wants certain people to understand what happened to us. I would especially like her father (my ex) and my ex-father-in-law to "GET IT" but they don't, they won't and they most likely never will.

Beth said something last week and then something else similarly profound tonight: God is the only one who knows what I have gone through. He was there with me. He was there with me when it happened. He was with me during the fallout. He was with me through the healing. He is the ONLY ONE who gets it.

Whoa.

Then tonight, she gave some reasons for why we want people to "see" us but they don't: they are 1)oblivious, they are 2)unwilling, they are 3)unable, and 4)God is unwilling. But we don't need to have people fill our emotional needs. Give our emotional needs to God and He will fill them. And in the case of my abuser, he is oblivious to the pain he caused me. He is unwilling to see the pain he caused me and he is unable to see the pain he caused me. But I don't need him to because God has seen it all. God understands it all. God gets it all. And for the first time, with peace and quiet in my soul, I know that it is all I need.

This is why I am Knocked off my Rocker.