Knocked off my Rocker

And I don't mean in the "mentally ill" sense of the word, which would be ironic considering I deal with mentally ill people all day long.

I feel knocked off my rocker by the Lord. I have been attending a Bible study on Monday nights by Beth Moore on the Patriarchs. She has said in the video that she feels that the women who are watching this and going through this study are called to it for a reason. And I do believe this to be true in my case but I did not fully comprehend why I felt this way. But after 7 weeks of study, I have reached the answer and it does not remotely revolve around "It fit into my schedule and was convenient".

I think that I have had two core issues that I have been wrestling with. It is interesting that I choose this picture of wrestling because we studied how Jacob wrestled all night with an angel of the Lord and would not let go until he got a blessing. I feel a bit like Jacob right now.

Issue #1:
Forgiving my former father-in-law. I have had no contact with him for the last 5 years. The last contact was a rather terse, harsh, and hateful email that probably wounded me more than anything and my reply reflected my own burning anger and hurt rather than the love and peace of Christ. It is complicated and I don't need to go into great detail about it. I know the issues and they are important only to me and to the Lord. However, what I have struggled with is forgiveness and letting go of the anger, the hurt and the deep sense of betrayal I have felt. Strangely, I have had a harder time forgiving him than I have had forgiving my ex-husband, who is in prison for the abuse of our daughter.
I don't pretend to understand why that is the case, but it is. I have felt a strong TUG to work this issue out, to let go of the hurt and the pain. I have struggled. I have stubbornly, and I mean stubbornly, refused to let it go. And I have felt the roots of bitterness taking hold. But I don't want my life to be shaped like that. Through the course of study, I have slammed into this subject from every direction one would think is possible. It cannot be denied. I have to forgive him. I have to let go. And at the same time, I know that I can let it go and I can decide to forgive him but it does not mean I need to let him back into my life and rebuild a relationship. Sometimes, it is not safe to do that and the Lord does not want us to walk back into abusive situations, but to deal with the past abuse and put it behind us. Or what I picture in my head as taking the "Doormat" sign off my head, and walking away, on the high but humble road.

In many of Beth's lessons, the SAME thing keeps coming to me. Do you think that is a clue? God could give me neon signs but evidently, He chose not to, He used His word to speak His will. In the margins of my lessons I have written several times, "Tulip, write M a letter." I need to acknowledge my own sin in holding a grudge, holding bitterness and anger against him, and ask him for forgiveness and then state that I am letting go of it all and that I will also forgive him for the pain and hurt I have felt from him. I started out with a "rough draft". It was 3 pages long. I get wordy sometimes. Too wordy, some would say. And then it hit me. The bare bones is all that needs to be said. "I'm sorry for holding anger and hurt against you for so long. Please forgive me. And I forgive you for the pain and hurt I have felt from you." And leave it at that and let the Lord take care of the rest.

Whew! And if that was not enough....

Issue #2
This is the hardest one to put into words. I have been abused by my ex-husband. There are people in my life who understand that and there are some who do not. It is the "do not's" that hurt. I want to make them understand the pain I went through, to know that some of my quirkiness has a source...some of my stubborness is because I am determined not to be pushed down and pushed around again...it's to protect myself. I have healed in so many ways but the scars are still there and they ache from time to time. The memories are there and I get flashbacks and react to those flashbacks. My abuse was not physical or sexual but that does not minimize or make it any less abuse. It was real and it had real effects in my life. My daughter was sexually abused. She has scars and some of her hurts have been dealt with but some things will not be dealt with until she is older and better able, more mature and what-have-you, to handle the loss of innocence. And that is real. She and I live with this every day. But Thank the Good Lord, I don't think about it every day like I used to. I don't dwell on it like I used to. She has accepted and dealt with it as much as she is able to at this point in her life. We have healed tremendously. We are walking miracles.
But there is a part of me that wants certain people to understand what happened to us. I would especially like her father (my ex) and my ex-father-in-law to "GET IT" but they don't, they won't and they most likely never will.

Beth said something last week and then something else similarly profound tonight: God is the only one who knows what I have gone through. He was there with me. He was there with me when it happened. He was with me during the fallout. He was with me through the healing. He is the ONLY ONE who gets it.

Whoa.

Then tonight, she gave some reasons for why we want people to "see" us but they don't: they are 1)oblivious, they are 2)unwilling, they are 3)unable, and 4)God is unwilling. But we don't need to have people fill our emotional needs. Give our emotional needs to God and He will fill them. And in the case of my abuser, he is oblivious to the pain he caused me. He is unwilling to see the pain he caused me and he is unable to see the pain he caused me. But I don't need him to because God has seen it all. God understands it all. God gets it all. And for the first time, with peace and quiet in my soul, I know that it is all I need.

This is why I am Knocked off my Rocker.