In my struggles with BB and his frustrating (read: aggravating, tiring, excruciatingly painful and incomprehensible) behaviors of the last several months, I have been trying a new strategy. I have figured out that he is trying (really, REALLY hard) to push my buttons. He is trying to start a fight. He is trying to find an excuse to throw a fit, do some damage and cause me pain. I don't know why. He won't tell me. He only says that he doesn't have to tell me and that if he did, I would hate him.
My words have been basically ineffective and non-productive. Futile.
Thus, I have decided to change my strategy. He wants a fight but I am giving him love. He wants to aggravate me, so I am giving him patience. He wants to give me reasons to shout at him and get all ugly so he has a reason to shout back. Maybe in some way, this would give him the release he is seeking. But it isn't healthy, nor is it appropriate. I also figure it is my job to stay at least one step ahead of him.
So, he argues with me and I just become more calm and more matter-of-fact. BB, I know you don't like it, but this is how it is. You will go to school every day. You will go to bed on time. You can choose to sleep in your nice, warm bed or to sleep on the floor covered in lego's and your dirty, stinky socks but you will be in your room and the lights will be out at 9:15pm.
"Oh no I won't."
To this, I simply walk away. Less words.
"I didn't hear what you said."
You did. You just didn't like them. I'm not going to repeat myself.
He has looked downright baffled. So, he tries to change the game and flops on the floor, refusing to get up.
Oh, BB, it's time for bed. You look like you need a hug a kiss. Would you like me to walk you to your room and over to your ladder so you can climb into bed?
He grunts, "Nu-ohhh."
But as I put my arms around him and nuzzle his neck and tell him I love him, he melts into my shoulder. So, I squeeze him a little, kiss him on the head and say, "Good Night."
Baffled. He stays on the floor, I believe just for spite, or to see what I will do. But when I ignore him and go about my business, he gives up and goes to bed.
Hmmm.
This morning, when I woke him up, he actually smiled. He didn't grunt or tell me to go away. He smiled at me. He laughed when I tickled him. Then he asked me if I would give him his clothes so that he could get dressed in his bed before coming down the ladder. I about fell off the chair I was standing on.
He had his ugly moments yesterday. He still argues with me and tries to act all tough and like he doesn't care. But when I am firm, yet calm and kind, he grows tired of being oppositional and he cooperated.
I'm exhausted. It's hard work being so in control of myself. I feel myself getting so angry at times but I think I will put that picture of him this morning with his sweet smile greeting me in my head and remember that the big picture here is finding a way to penetrate the angry heart, the distrust and show him that no matter what, Mom is in his corner but also Mom is the authority and in charge. I think it was a commercial that had the line, "Never let them see you sweat." I save the sweating for later, when the kids aren't around.
I am trying hard to put my faith in Christ, to lean on Him and let Him give me the strength I do no possess and the energy I need to continue doing the hard things I am doing right now. Physically, I am parenting alone. But I need to remember, that I am not alone. The Lord is with me.
Peanut was really cute this morning. I had to wake him up too. Normally, he opens his eyes the minute I walk in the room. This morning, he got the tickle monster. He was laughing and I told him that I have the most handsome boys in all the world.
He asked, "But what if I had only one eye and looked like this?" and he scrunched up his face real funny.
Even if you had only one eye, one ear, no teeth ...you would still be handsome to me and I would still love you. No matter what.
He just grinned.
Princess had a bad day yesterday. She said she was late to several classes, had trouble with her gym locker, brought the wrong notebook to one class, didn't bring her reading book to another class. Then she was trying to finish up a project and realized that she could not find the grading sheet. She just fell apart. So, we went to our room to talk about it and brainstorm about how she could make her day better tomorrow.
She told me she was so embarrassed in class when she forgot her reading book because her Language Arts teacher is so strict and told everyone in the class that she forgot her book. This was the very class with the project due and now she was worried that if she asked the teacher for another grading sheet, she would be humiliated again. We talked it through and I suggested to her that she approach her teacher first thing and explain what happened and also say that she knows that organization is a problem for her but she is working on it and will be more careful next time.
Then she told me about some of her issues with having so many things to carry to each class but feeling like it was too much. So, I asked her what would help her feel less burdened and more organized. So, we decided that a shelf for her locker would help her keep her binders organized and a pencil cup for extra supplies. But she also asked if she could get a different pencil case and mentioned one she found at Target that she thinks would work better.
I love that she is beginning to really think things through. It's a lot to handle. Middle school is such a big change from elementary school. She is used to being somewhat coddled as an elementary student and now she is being held accountable. I am so glad that we talked about it and that I can help her problem solve. I can't do it for her but I can help her through it.
She called me this afternoon when she got home from school and told me that everything with her Language Arts teacher was fine. She was nice about the grading sheet and her presentation went well. She and Peanut were now out catching frogs. That's my girl!
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