On Saturday, I observed two males in the outdoor habitat (BB and PH). BB is clearly the leader and PH follows his lead. We went to Moore Lake Park while Peanut went to a birthday party. After I explained that the lake is closed for swimming for the season and NO, we could not just climb the fence and jump down onto the sand, they scampered off to play. Each had with him his favorite stuffed animal. BB has a blue and chartreuse octopus from IKEA named Inky and PH has his Webkin Cheeky Monkey named Bananas. I believe that BB and PH were treating their critters to a tour of the playground and it was the animals who were playing.
I watched them as they stood by the water, hands in their back pockets, then squatting down to get a closer look. I was too far away to hear what they were saying. But I was enjoying the silent movie. Then they wandered over to another part of the park. After a while. PH began to run a lap around the whole playground, just because he could.
The playground was not holding their attention and pretty soon they were asking me for an ice cream cone. I did oblige them. Their stuffed animals enjoyed the cones as well, as they showed me the ice cream face on each critter. (I tried not to be grossed out by thoughts of how sticky their animals would be and how now they will attract more dirt). And since we still had more time before Peanut's party was over, we wandered over to another park and I observed these two boys o'mine play together again.
It struck me on the sentimental side because I was remembering a time when BB refused to acknowledge that PH was his brother. He was only 3 at the time and would say "He is Princess's brudder...not my brudder." And he pretty much ignored anything PH did. But now these two are the best of friends. They are collaborators on Lego building projects and co-conspirators in mischief. They squabble and occasionally get physical with each other, just like any normal set of brothers do. PH is very tolerant of BB's antics and his annoying behaviors. But sometimes, a threshold is met and my good-natured, roll-with-the-punches PH gets really mad to the point where his face scrunches up and turns red and he will scream in frustration.
One day, I told PH (and the others for that matter) to ignore BB because he was being so annoying and that by ignoring him, they would send him a message that they will not tolerate being treated this way. I wanted BB to know that no one will play with him nor will they want to even be around him when he acts like a mini-tyrant. It took a while but eventually, the 3 victims of BB's bullying got good at ignoring him and BB was isolated. He tried to act like he didn't care. After a few hours, he picked up PH's monkey and called PH's name and then used Banana's hand to wave at PH. PH went over and smiled, and grabbed Banana's and the period of isolation was over. No words of apology were spoken but I believe that the intention was there. BB had reached out to his brother and PH reached back. Peace was achieved.
I think this is the way of brothers. They fight like cats and dogs. But they love each other with the same fierceness as what they fight with. The bond is there and neither wants there to be discord.
This male bonding has not occurred between the older boys and their younger brother. He is still the outsider. They consider him too much of a baby yet to include him. BB gets irritated because Peanut mispronounces words; he says "turch" instead of "church" and he doesn't know how to read, he can't count, he can't add and in BB's eyes, he is not yet ready to join the Boyhood of Brothers. I hope at some point, there will be a shift and they will accept him. Peanut adores his brothers and tries so hard to be like his big brothers. He copies their postures, their likes/dislikes. He wants to do everything they do. It's hero worship but to his older brothers, it's just annoying.
It is interesting watching the interplay and family dynamics going on before my eyes. I remember some of what it was like when I was growing up. I was the oldest. When I was in elementary school, I felt my sisters were "OK" but I couldn't really relate to my youngest sister because she didn't know what I was doing, nor could she understand. She started Kindergarten when I started Junior High. We were worlds apart. As I got older, I pulled away from my family and wanted to do more stuff with my friends and my sisters were annoying. They wanted to do all my cool stuff but I hated having them tag along.
It wasn't until I was in college that I realized that I was so pulled into my own thing that I missed everything that was going on with them. I watched from the outside as my two younger sisters grew closer because they were closer in age and still living at home. I felt sad and no longer a part of their lives.
Can I do better with my kids by being aware of this dynamic, this push and pull between siblings? If you sit in on conversations around the dinner table, I often talk on the topic of what it means to be a family. I can only hope that what I say and how I act will have an impact upon the course of my children's lives.
The good news is that now all 3 of us sisters are in our 30's and are quite fond of each other and have recognized that each of us are really cool people. I know that my sister's are there for me when I need them and I hope that they know I am there for them when they need me. We no longer lock each other out of the house or scratch each other's arms...occasionally, we may argue or hurt each other's feelings but we work it out like grown-ups. We love each other. We laugh with each other. We have a common history and shared memories. We have a bond.
I hope those bonds are forged deeply between each of my children. Someday, they will need to depend on each other.
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