It is not, as one would think, because I have gone through 4 pregnancies and 1 miscarriage and am completely enmeshed in the 24/7/365 aspects of parenting 4 active children. And it is not because I have changed billions of diapers, been spit up on, thrown up on, up all night with a sick child or kissing an endless stream of boo-boo's.
I became "Mother" when I reached a point of complete exasperation, and I have one child who is an EXPERT at getting me to that point quickly and on a daily basis, and bellowed out,
"YOU WILL DO IT BECAUSE I AM THE MOTHER AND I SAID SO."
Ugh.
I told myself when I was a teenager, and so much wiser than my parents, that "I WILL NEVER SAY 'BECAUSE I SAID SO'." But since the day I said that to my child, I have realized that there are times when that is the absolute, unequivocal fact; I have not other purpose but to have you obey me because of who I am and what I have told you to do. " And Child, you will do what I say because I say so...no more arguments, no more complaints or whining or "Why?"...Just do it and do it now!"
Actually, at that point, I have realized in my hindsight analysis (and sometimes that is the only analysis I am capable of), I am out of answers. I have answered all the why's, I have given the moral reason for the request. I have supplied the facts. And there is nothing left to say. And this child does not even really want to know the answers, he just does not want to do it and hopes that if he pushes Mother far enough, she will break and he will escape the chore.
Well, Young One, I am on to you! I know your game.
Have I mentioned that this paricular child and I are in therapy for behavior and issues with ADHD. He is my strong-willed child and he is my brightest child, possibly a genius intellect. He keeps me on my toes and also on my knees in prayer. This week, therapy was with me only. It was time for some feedback and some new homework. With a child such as BB, the usual tactics don't work. Since I am a parent who believes strongly what it says in Proverbs, that I am to teach a child in the way that he should go, or according to his bend, I have realized I need to explore some different approaches.
BB can be very non-compliant and sometimes, down-right ugly and belligerent. Other times, he is the sweetest little cuddle-bug who is creative, funny and witty and so precious and cute. And he knows how to push my buttons. I need to find an edge.
What the therapist told me to do this week, is to be very deliberate in pointing out the things he does right. And she said, it will take some work and some shadowing and a lot less multi-tasking. With her help, I have come to realize that it also works well to break things down into very small steps and offer praise for each small step.
With my other kids, even the 4.5 year old, I can say, "Go and change your clothes." and they will do that. They get the implied directions in there. But with BB, and he has been like this as long as I can remember, if I say that to him, he will head off to his room with the intention of doing what I ask but along the way, he will see a peice of paper and he will start to think about drawing a cartoon. This leads him to go and find a pencil so he can get his idea out. While looking for the pencil, he comes across a few legos. Suddenly, he is building a ship or an airplane and I come down the stairs and see that he has not changed his clothing and is not doing what I asked. I have come to understand that he is not being willful and defiant at this point. He is distractable. This is part of the ADHD. The willful and defiant part comes in when I ask him to put the legos down and go change his clothes and now he is fully engaged in the legos and doesn't like having to stop doing what he is enjoying. And now there is a battle going on. And some days, he seems to wake up with this surly, cranky demeanor, more so than other days.
So, what the therapist is recommending that I do then is to break things down into very specific and small tasks. I have already begun doing this. I will tell him to go and change his shirt. Actually, I think what I have said is, "BB, change your clothes which means...a clean shirt, clean pants and clean underwear." But even that is too big a bite because he has been known to throw a clean shirt over the top of the dirty shirt. One day last year, in fact, I noticed he was looking kind of bulky. So, I pulled off his sweater only to find a sweatshirt, over another sweatshirt, over a T shirt and then another shirt. He had on 5 layers of shirts and 3 layers of pants!
Now, my task is to be more deliberate adn more specific. What I need to do is "shadow" him more and praise him at short intervals when he is being compliant. I won't get into all the behaviorism theory behind it all but it makes a lot of sense. Starting this weekend, I will be paying closer attention to what he is doing and giving affirmation for the right things he is doing and paying less attention to the negative behaviors.
Hopefully, I will get better and won't have to resort to the "Do it because I said so" methods.
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