The Man-atorium

I have considered writing about this particular declarationfor a while, which has been imparted onto me by my mother and my two sisters, but I have been reluctant because it might mean that I would actually agree with them that it's a good idea. They love me and don't want to see me get hurt again. And they also believe that I have more healing to do both from my divorce (which will be 5 years in August) and the 2 year relationship I ended in January.

The Man-atorium is not a Man-hating thing in any way. I do not hate men. I don't even hate the men who hurt me. However, I agree that I have repeated a pattern of choosing men who are bad for me who become controlling and abusive. And I find myself starting to slip back into my old pattern trying to be pleasing to them so I stuff my own beliefs, opinions and sometimes my values down for the sake of "keeping the peace". However, this eventually starts to eat away at me. I do not want to return to where I was when my marriage ended.

After a little over 9 years of marriage, 3 kids and another on the way, I was living 1000 miles from my family. I couldn't talk to my family when my husband was home because he would listen to my conversations and then talk over them, make comments or make signals to me that I should get off the phone. The two close girl friends I had, I spoke to them during the day when he was not home. My whole life was controlled by keeping the peace with my husband. I did not do anything without his permission. I did not go anywhere if he didn't know I was going there. I didn't spend money if he did not give me his blessing. And if I did spend more money than he had given me permission for, then he would verbally berate me until I cried and confessed that I was horribly mistaken and very selfish not to have asked him. After all, he was the one who worked every day and I was merely at home caring for the children.

After I learned that he had been abusing my daughter, I moved back to MN and got time and distance between us, I began to see just how unhealthy my marriage had been. With the help of a therapist, I began to discover that my coping mechanism for dealing with being abused was to change myself. In a sense, I allowed my personality to disappear and my self-esteem and identity was so tied in to him that I felt that I had become a shell of a person or a role. I was "Wife" and I was "Mommy" but nothing else.

I had to fight hard to break out of that. I began to see myself differently. I began to see that I was strong and that God had given me a brain, a sense of humor and a determined spirit that I did not even know I had until I needed to call upon it in order to do some really hard things. I went back to college to become a nurse. I amazed myself when I sat in Chemistry class and realized, "OH...I get it." That was the first time in a very long time I ever thought I might be smart. I spent the next 3 1/2 years working part time, going to school full time and raising 4 kids as a single parent.

I gained a lot of ground in 5 years. I can understand my family's concern that I would let that slip away by repeating a bad pattern and once again choosing a man who devalues me, who disrespects me and treats me harshly or cycles between being sweetly attentive and doting to silently cold for little or no reason. Both of these men professed to be Christians who loved the Lord and desired to follow Christ in their lives. Yet, they both have been blind to how they treated me.

I do need to sort out why I keep finding men like this. Do I have a target on my head? "Controllable and Malleable". If so, I need to find a way to get that off. I also need to be courageous enough to stand my ground even in the face of an opposing opinion and know that it is OK to a) have an opinion and b) be disagreed with. And I think too that I need to figure out how to respect myself enough to garner the kind of respect I want and deserve from another person. I don't think I can do that while in the midst of a relationship. However, developing friendships can be a safer way to practice those skills and sort some of that out.

I think I should be proud of myself for recognizing that this was happening again. And when I was beginning to feel disrespected or that my opinion was being devalued, I started to speak up and stand my ground. I think my ex-boyfriend found that very unsettling and at that point, the magic sort of wore off in our relationship and the good times were fewer and farther between and the distance became greater. In the end, I found myself holding back how I felt on a lot of things and observing him and how he was around me and my family. If I gave in to his tyranny, things would go smoothly and he was doting and sweet. If I held fast to an opinion or argued a point, he was dismissive and rude. It proved my point.

My Mom is telling me that if God wants me to be married again, He will bring the right man along. A pastor who was teaching our Life Enrichment class today was talking about how we can sometimes create hardships in our lives when we try to rush God along. I do think both these people are reading the same script and I need to sit up and take notice.

I'm going to quit fighting the Man-atorium. I have my family to care for. I have friendships that I would like to continue to develop; some new and some old but the blessings in both kinds are numerous. It's a rich life I have right now.