Waiting

It's the theme of my life. And I believe it is the message that God is trying to drill into my head. "Sit still and wait. Be patient. It's for your own good...for your growth and your protection."

But it is so hard. I live in a culture of "Got to have it now" and I have realized that I buy into that very often, even though I know I need to, in the words of Monty Python, "Run away....run away..."

I am in this Bible study by Beth Moore called Stepping Up. She is going through the Psalms of Ascent. I have been absolutely amazed. First of all, let me say that I really had NO INTENTION of joining the Bible study this spring. But I was walking past the sign up booth and saw my friend from the fall and the next thing I know, I am walking over there...Actually, spiritually Yanked is more like it. I did not go there of my own volition. And suddenly, I am signing up and parting with $20 for the book. Then the next thing I know, Vicky asks me, "You mentioned on your evaluation that you would be interested in being a Bible Study leader. We need one. Are you still interested?" The word flew out of my mouth before I could stop it..."Yes, I would."

WHAT???? 10 minutes ago, I wasn't going to sign up and now I'm going to be a leader? Lord, what are you doing?

"I'm giving you a push."

OK. But I don't understand and I am not sure that I am ready but since You are obviously leading me...perhaps leading by a kick in the pants, but still...then You have a plan and I will go with it. I will submit.

I have been blessed. I have been amazed. And I do not regret it for a minute. I will be sad when it is over.

What I have learned from Beth is to spend some time "on my face" before the Lord. I have never done that before while praying. I felt silly at first when I laid down on my bathroom floor. It was a room I could lock and have no prying eyes see me...and it was also 6:30am so the likelihood of being caught was slim as well.

After I got over the jitters and the feeling silly about it, I have felt a compulsion at times to get down on the floor, flat on my face and pray. And sometimes, I just listen. One day, I was really struggling with an issue that has been a common struggle for me for many years. I keep fighting the same battle and it seems like every time I gain a little ground, I slide right back down. So, I got down on my face and I really did not care who came in and found me, and I asked the Lord to speak to me and tell me what He wanted me to do.

I'm still puzzled by his answer. I am still struggling with it. But it is becoming more and more apparent that He is calling me to be obedient and to take a big leap of faith and put my trust in Him even when it doesn't make sense. I will admit that I am scared. I just cannot wrap my finite brain around how He could possibly work this out. But a part of me is tugging on my shirt tail saying, "Just try it...see what happens. What do you have to lose?"

I guess I should title this more along the lines of a call to obedience instead of waiting. But sometimes when I write, I start on one thought and travel down a completely different path. But that is OK, it was the path I needed to explore.

The question I am asking myself is "What am I waiting for?" as I heed the call to obedience. The Lord could not make it any plainer. I don't think my fear will go away until I jump in with both feet. Am I waiting for it to make sense? It may not make sense until I walk through it and look back. Faith is very much like that. I am thinking of that game I used to play in the pool, Marco Polo, where one person is blindfolded and calls out "Marco" and the others call out "Polo" and you try to catch them by walking toward the sound of their voice. Except that God is not trying to evade being caught but He does want me to listen to the sound of His voice and walk towards it, trusting Him as I do.

It's an interesting position I find myself in. I'm about to put that blindfold on and walk out into the pool, not knowing what I will find but knowing that the Lord will be there answering me when I cry "Marco...".