The Green-eyed Monster, or GEM, has been seen creeping around our house causing symptoms ranging from mild to moderate irritation, complaining, yelling or complete defiance and non-cooperation. The reason for his emergence is that one 7 year old boy required a surgical procedure this week and as a result, he has been receiving extra attention, gifts and cards, as well as access to a Wii and Xbox and time with Grandma and Grandpa.
GEM has led to fighting amongst the boys and arguments about the health status and his abilities or non-abilities. GEM has also whispered in the ears of some of the children causing them to say things like, “How come you never buy stuff for us? How come you never let me stay home all week? How come he doesn’t have to do his homework?”.
What is a Mom to do when GEM has invaded? Seriously, if you have ideas, I would love to hear them because I have just about hit my limit for what I can tolerate of this naughty, spoiled, selfish behavior. It is hard enough dealing with a child who had surgery and needs extra attention (yet never demands it and would be easy to overlook his needs), a different diet, monitoring of his pain and comfort and extra rest. But dealing with the other children who think that perhaps the scales are tipped unfairly and they are missing out on something is frustrating. Why can’t you just relax?
I have had to do a lot of reassurance that just because PH needs extra TLC, does not mean that I love them any less. Just because PH gets special presents from people does not mean that they are liked or loved less by the gift-bearers but whining and complaining is not going to result in them receiving gifts and attention.
Because PH is so mild-mannered and compliant and he has such a high pain threshold, he does not look particularly sick or like he is in a lot of pain. However, I the Mom, RN know better. I know what he looks like when he is hurting because he scrunches himself up into a tight little ball and then stares intently at the TV. He won’t admit there is pain unless asked directly. So, I feel it is my place to be his advocate even amongst his siblings. I must tell them what he needs, what he can and cannot do. I must protect him without moving into coddling.
The worst moment, which then turned into a good moment, was a conversation I had with BB who seemed to be the most bothered by the fact that PH did not have to go to school all week, when in his expert 9 year old opinion, PH was clearly well enough to return to school. But as I pulled away the layers in order to figure out what was really bothering BB, we discovered that BB is jealous that PH does not have to go to school but he has to and he does not want to. And further peeling of the layers uncovered that BB is feeling frustrated with school because math is feeling very difficult and he is not understanding it. Ah Ha!!!
So, Mom, RN and sometimes child psychologist, figured out that because math feels impossible, then all of school feels awful when you are a black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinker like BB. But Mom can help him resolve this problem. Mom can step in and advocate for BB. So, this is what I told him. I explained that I would be able to talk to his teacher about his problem with math and request some extra help or attention. I then spent about 20 minutes pouring out my belief in him. I told him the things that make him special and how I believe that since the day he was born, he has been a fighter. I told him the story of his birth and being all bound up in the umbilical cord and how God protected him by giving the doctor the wisdom to determine that a C-section was the best solution and had he decided to send me home for a few more days, BB would have died. Instead, BB came out screaming his head off and kicking like crazy. Then I told him how after being born he was jaundiced and it became Mom’s fight for him because I had to wrap him up in a special light and wake him up every two hours to eat. And all the while, I knew in my heart that God had special plans for BB and his temperament of questioning, arguing and fighting for himself is something God is going to use for good but it is Mom’s job as the parent, to help him find his gifts and help them grow and also to help him identify his weak areas and improve on them.
The whole time I talked to BB, while rubbing his back and talking in a soothing tone, he just relaxed under my hand and curled up. If he was a cat, he would have purred. His eyes were wide and realized that there were parts of his story that I had never, until this moment, shared with him. But he needed to hear it now. He needed to know that God has a special plan for him and that Mom believes in him.
I don’t know if GEM is gone yet. I suspect he is hanging around for a few more days but perhaps his power has been diminished. I have learned that my most powerful weapon for the GEM is prayer and patience. GEM loves to see Mom’s get angry and upset. GEM thrives in discord and irritation. He grows bigger as temper’s flare out of control. But he shrinks when love is spoken and patience is utilized.
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