Bittersweetness

My little peanut is really a sweetie. I wish his brothers could see what a darling he is but they see him as the annoying little brother who sings or talks incessantly and not the cutie who is imaginative, inquisitive and energetic. To them, he is the Destroyer of Lego Creations, Inept at All Playstation Games and The One Who Cannot Speak Correctly.

Someday, I pray, they will see him differently.

Today, I caught a glimpse of his heart and it touched me deeply and as I thought about it, once again, I arrived at work with my make-up a mess and my eyes red from crying.

Over the last few weeks, he has been mentioning my ex-fiancee’ a lot. Or as he is known in our house “The One Who Shall Not Be Named”. BB is very adamant that there is to be NO discussion EVER about him. Clearly, we have all been hurt and we each have to deal with our pain in our own way. BB would like to forget he ever existed. PH never talks about him. Princess just sighs sometimes. Peanut tries to bring him up and shares his memories, only to be shot down by BB with a sharp, “You must not talk about him. Ever.”

I had an opportunity last week to talk with BB a bit about Peanut and some of the things that Peanut will have to deal with. Peanut has never met his real Dad and because his Dad is in prison for a very long time and most likely will not be up for parole until Peanut is grown up, a meeting is not going to happen. PH was pretty much a baby when we fled from Texas. So, he has very little memory of his Dad but he does have pictures. But even though Peanut has never met Dad, I explained, does not mean he does not feel sad about it. It does not mean he does not feel the loss too. In some ways, he may feel it more or at least very differently because he has never known his father.

So, my fiancee’ was the closest thing Peanut had to experiencing what life could be like with a Dad. And in “The One Who Shall Not Be Named’s” defense, he was very loving to Peanut (not so much with BB or PH). So Peanut did develop a bond. And because he was just 5 when I broke the engagement and BB was so adamant that this was never to be discussed in his presence, Peanut has not really processed the grief.

Over the last few weeks, he has said things to me like “NY (the other nickname) loves Jesus now, Mommy.” He knows that this is a serious requirement for a relationship with me. I thought that was sweet.

Darling, NY always loved Jesus. That was not the issue. He did not know how to love us and treat us all kindly. He did and said things that hurt Mommy and it was not a good relationship. I know it hurts.

Then this morning, Peanut woke up before any of his brothers and he and I got some Mom to Boy time. He mentioned TOWSNBN again. So, I asked him if he was missing him.
“No. Not really.”

Well, sweetie, if you do miss him, it’s OK. He was very sweet to you and I know you really loved him and were sad that he left.

“Mommy, I don’t like that my Dad went to jail.”

And there is the dagger that stabs me in the heart every time.

Aww, baby. I know. It’s a hard thing. You were born here in MN and your Dad was in TX. You never got to meet him. That is a sad, sad thing.

So, maybe in his 6 year old way, he is moving through his grieving process. I am also trying to help my other kids understand that grief and loss is not the same for everybody. We all have lost the same person but our experiences with him are very different and our feelings are different too. We can’t, therefore, tell each other that they can’t feel this or they can’t feel that or throw it in each other’s face that they never met him.

Am I doing a good job in explaining this to them? I hope so. I think it is good that I am even making an attempt. It is hard for me to choke back my own pain and grief to deal with theirs. I have come a long way. There would have been a time when I would not have been able to have had this kind of conversation with any one of my children without bursting into tears and running from the room or without feeling anger boiling up inside of me. Today, what I felt was the sadness in my little boy.

I would do anything to take that pain away. I can’t do that, I know. But if I could, I would in a heart beat. So, instead, I will just hold his hand and help him walk through it.

I realized this last week that I have healed a great deal because I find that I am better able to handle the pain and sadness of others. I can take my eyes off of myself more and more. Last week, a friend of mine lost his dog when he was hit by a car. When I found out about it, I was overwhelmed with sadness for my friend. I wanted to just run over and wrap myself around him and his two sons and take away the pain. I don’t know how many times I cried for my friend and his grief over his dog. I pondered it for days. Why did I cry this much over an animal I had only met a few times? He was a sweet dog that was sure. But he was not my pet. I finally figured out it was the pain my friend was going through. I wanted to comfort him. I wanted to take that pain away or do whatever I could to make it better.

It still confused me for a while. This was some very powerful emotion for me. And it was bothering me because I have not felt so deeply about other people in such a long, long time. My sisters told me a year ago, when I broke up with TOWSNBN, that I still had healing to do because I was still throwing myself into situations where I really did not belong, doing things that were not healthy for me and making decisions that were not good. They worried about me. This was why my Mom put the “Man-atorium” in place and gave the key to my sisters—to protect me and build in some accountability for my decisions. I can’t jump into a relationship or even go on a date unless I have the permission and the “man-atorium” lifted by my sisters. I chuckled at first, when my Mom told me about it. I thought it was cute. Then as time went by and I realized she was serious, I was kind of mad about it. How dare they do this to me? I am 37 (and a half), surely I can make decisions about my life and who I can and want to date.

When I search my heart and look back, I sigh, and realize, they are right. I have not had a great track record. I have reacted and been impulsive and ignored my good judgement. I let emotion rule over good sense and intuition.

How does this tie in to my son’s grief and crying over my friend’s dog? I think it has to do with a change that has occurred in me over the past year. I am healing at a different level now. I have moved from being very self-centered and self-focused to being able to see others outside of myself and the things that are going on with them.

Does this mean I am going to cry over every sad story someone tells me? I don’t think so. But I do think that it means that God has a plan for me and it extends beyond my own skin. He wants me to see others. He wants me to be able to feel the hurts of others. He wants me to be able to reach out and offer comfort to those who are hurting because that is what He provided to me when I needed it the most. The table is turning and I am moving out of one who is in a constant state of need to becoming a person who can meet the needs of others.

I think I am going to cry again. And I am totally OK with that.