Negative Patterns

I read something today that challenged me and it is a question that some significant people who love me dearly have also asked me. I guess it is high time I put some thought into it.



The question I am pondering is: What are some negative patterns that continue to be repeated in past and/or present relationships?



Considering I was married to a controlling, abusive man, then went on to date two other abusive controlling men, I think there is a pattern, as opposed to just "bad luck". The article went on to say that I should take a few minutes to write down two negative patterns that have repeated, being careful not to point the finger at the men but rather look within myself at what I have done, acted like, behaved etc.



So, I did it.



1) When I get into a relationship, I throw my whole self into it and give all my time to that person to the point of neglecting the other areas in my life that require my attention. This includes my time with kids, housework, and so forth. I spend as much time as possible with that person or thinking about them. When I was dating my husband, I pushed friends out of the way (not in a mean way...just did not spend time with them anymore). I did the barest minimum required for school and work and then spent all my time with my boyfriend/fiancee'. In the two dating relationships I had after my divorce, I did the same thing. I spent every spare moment with the man, neglected myself, my children and so forth.



2) I avoid conflict as much as possible. I hate fighting and arguing. So, if there were things that I did not like or did not agree with, rather than deal with them head on, I either ignored them or I changed my opinion to match his. This really did not serve me well in my marriage and opened up the gate to becoming a doormat and being wishy-washy. But also, I did everything I could do to keep the peace and keep him happy. What that did for me was erode who I truly was to the point where I felt like was hardly even a person any more and was really just a role--Mommy and Wife.



Whew. That was not fun coming up with that. But at the same time, it does feel good to look at myself and see that I have those patterns.



The next part of this exercise was even more interesting to me. The author pointed out that women have a tendency towards "all-or-nothing" thinking and when we see something negative that needs to be corrected, we go the other direction and completely root out that bad thing. However, the author pointed out that this pattern is repeating for a reason, even if it may be maladaptive. So, the next part is to take a look at one of those patterns and think about how that negative pattern could be a strength.

I chose to look at the second pattern and explore that one. I avoid conflict as much as possible in other areas of my life and not just romantic relationships. To see this as a strength, well, I do believe my desire to avoid conflict stems from my desire to keep and restore harmony in relationships. I want peace. And what I have seen of myself is that I am willing to work hard and do the work that needs to be done in order to bring the harmony back.

I think my task then is to take this strength and figure out how to restore harmony in relationships without sacrificing or compromising myself and who I am in the process. I do believe that the last 6 years has been a time for me to learn more about who I am as well as who I would like to be. I have discovered parts of myself that were long dormant and parts of myself that are stronger than I thought. As I think about this now, the other thing I am seeing is a deep-seated fear of rejection. If I change myself, make the changes and adjustments, be who the other person wants me to be, then maybe they won't reject me. The kicker is that any person who truly wants to be my friend or otherwise, will accept me as I am; warts and all.