Sorry about Whining

I went to a funeral today. I did not know the man but I know his son and daughter-in-law. I went to support my friends. It was a strange thing for me to decide to go to a funeral of a person I didn't know. I just knew that I needed to be there. When I walked in, my friend Debbie, broke out into a huge smile and and said, "Wow. I can't believe you're here, but I'm so glad." She even wanted to claim me as her sister so I could come up and sit with them in the front pew. I was really touched by that.

I cried through the whole funeral. It was really beautiful. Debbie's husband spoke about his Dad and I was so proud of him. And I could hear the love and the deep respect he had for his father just came through. What is perhaps the most interesting to me is the knowledge that this was not my friend's biological father but his step-father. But clearly, God orchestrated the marriage between these two people and joined two families together. It really made me think.

My heart aches so much sometimes for the father my children have lost and the father that he never was when he was in their lives. BB seems to be the most affected, perhaps it shows up more in his behaviors but I think the loss of a father or in the case of Peanut, never knowing your father, can not help but be missed and felt in so many ways. I struggle with parenting these 4 children alone and the responsibility for their welfare and how they develop as people weighs heavily on me. I feel like Atlas, carrying the whole world on my back. It is not fair.

I'm not trying to sound whiny again or have a little "poor me" pity party. There are things in this life that are simply injustices. What happened to me and to my children with their father was first and foremost, sin and secondly, it was an injustice. However, God did not leave me alone to handle it by myself. He has been with me through the whole thing. He also has supplied me with gifts and abilities that I did not know I had until I had to use them. He has given my children and myself a resiliency that we would not have developed otherwise. We have learned to roll with the punches and endure some really tough stuff without becoming bitter about it.

I decided early on that there were certain things I was just going to have to "suck up and deal with". I could whine and moan about how unfair it was and I could shake my fist toward heaven in anger at the injustice. I could even hate my husband for the pain and suffering he caused us. But would that really get me anywhere? Would that be a good example for my children? Would it give me a life worth living? Would it bring glory and honor to God?

God, I believe, seeks to bring glory and honor to himself through all circumstances and sometimes the harder the circumstances, the more evident His glory. And the tougher the situation to deal with, the stronger the person becomes. I think I have become a stronger person. Looking over the events of the past few months in my break-up with New York, I can not help but realize that I was able to see the abusive pattern starting. I was able to recognize that there was something unhealthy going on and it was not going to go away. And I was able to work through the fear of being alone, the sorrow at letting go of my hopes and dreams of a marriage and rebuilding a family, and break free. And I realized that being alone is nothing to fear because I am not really alone, not when I have Christ with me. Not when I can rest in the knowledge that He has something better planned for me but I have to be willing to let go of my plans and let Him do what He plans to do.

That is what I have felt Him pressing onto my heart tonight. I have felt such an ache of loneliness today and such a deep sadness. It's been difficult to deal with. I have been tempted to jump ahead and do some things that I know are not right for me right now, that are rushing ahead. I feel the Lord telling me to S-L-O-W down and let Him do the moving. And I know that He is asking me, "Tulip, do you love me? Do you trust me? Then let it go."

It's just hard. I hate waiting. I'm not very patient. But I have learned that I am tougher than I have ever thought. And God is a big God and He is bigger than my impatience.

So, Lord, I'm laying my impatience at your feet. I'm laying my loneliness and sorrow at your feet as well. I love you so very much. You take such good care of me. I trust you with my life and everything in it. Help me to let it go and put everything into your capable hands. Amen.