Being Strong

I had a really good talk with my daughter yesterday. I took an opportunity to teach her something from my own life. I'm in the midst of a really bad break-up and it is a case of domestic abuse because I am being threatened, intimidated and bullied in an attempt to be coerced and forced into doing things I don't agree with and don't want to do by a person that I once loved and was ready to marry, or thought I was ready to marry.

At first, I was feeling very intimidated and scared. I felt backed into a corner. I have been in this position before and I can recognize what is happening. I don't know if I am real good at handling it. But I didn't go in alone. I prayed before I faced him and I took my Dad. Immediately, he began to bully me and I just shut my mouth. I was more afraid that I would open my mouth and get myself into more trouble because I would say something I would regret (an unbridled tongue) because I could feel the anger rising and the feelings of hurt, betrayal and a mixture of my own shame and embarrassment for getting myself into this predicament. For me, that is a deadly mix and I have been known to say stupid things that make matters worse. So, I let my Dad do the talking. I did speak up now and then, when I felt I had the right words and the right amount of control.

Moving ahead, I had to finish up one final task and then call him one last time. He started to badger me about more things he wanted me to do and began to threaten me. So, I mentally, hiked up my boots, stood my ground and said, "No. I'm not going to do that. I have done enough. I'm finished." And I hung up the phone.

It was this particular moment that I wanted to discuss with my daughter. I wanted to cement it in her mind that it is ok for her to stand up for herself and to say No. She does not need to allow someone to push her around because they seem bigger or stronger or just plain talk louder than her.

She got it. She said, "Mom, you were strong when you told him you were done and then you hung up the phone." I told her, "Honey, you are right. I was strong. It was hard and I was kind of scared but I had to do it because it isn't right that he threatens me and does and says things to hurt me. I will do what I have to do to keep myself and you guys safe."

Then we talked for a while about anger and arguments and the difference between constructive arguments and destructive arguments. The difference is the what's inside your heart and what you want the outcome to be. Are you trying to be right and make the other person feel bad and you to feel powerful? Or do you see things differently but you want to understand the other person and grow closer together, but maybe you don't see things the same way? One way will build the relationship, the other will tear it down.

This part of parenting is very cool.