A couple weeks ago, I took my kids out to eat at Arby's after church. BB was not happy with my choice of restaurant and proceeded to pout in the car and then refused to exit the van when we got to the restaurant. So, I told him that he was welcome to join us inside but I would not be spending any more time trying to convince him to join us. I walked in and did not look back until I was sure he could not see me. When I did look back, I saw him slowly slinking out of the van.
He then continued to pout and grump. I asked him if he wanted food. He just made a grunt.
You will have to speak English. I don't understand grunting. Do you want a meal or just a drink.
Grunt...."a drink."
So I ordered and then BB draped himself across the counter by the soda fountain. I leaned in and whispered in his ear,
Get your drink or get out of the way. You are being rude to the other customers.
He continued to drape himself and refused to get his drink. So I grabbed his cup and carried it over to our table, while grabbing his elbow and leading him away from the drinking fountain. He continued to stand in his affected, hostile posture, refusing to join us at our sunny, cheerful table. So I ignored him, determined to enjoy the meal with the other children. He eventually, sat down at another table behind us and laid his head down, continuing his pouting and dagger-eye glaring at me and his siblings.
At this point, an elderly gentleman came over and said, "Ma'am, I know I am just being nosy but your son over there, is he sick or just angry?"
Oh...he's angry.
"Well, he can certainly hold a grudge." And he then walked quietly back to his table. I was feeling a little embarrassed by this but I tried to stuff that down and continue with my meal. I know my son, and I know what works and I knew that eventually, BB would calm down and would either join us or not but he would not spoil lunch for the rest of us.
What I do know about my ADHD kid is that he will do these little Power Play's when he doesn't get his way. And having tried many different approaches, a lot of trial and error, I have learned that ignoring his silent tantrums is the best method. So I was willing to ride it out. It does not work to yell at him or chew him out or do anything that brings a lot of attention to him. I gently and softly remind him of what I expect of him and then I carry on. He often loses out on some fun when he chooses to pout but that's ok. The lessons he learns will last longer than 30 minutes of pleasant dining or a Happy Meal toy. I have also learned that he will usually come around in about 10 to 15 minutes because he cannot stand to be out of fellowship and harmony with me any longer than that.
And sure enough. About 15 minutes after we sat down to eat, he slid over next to me and mumbled something.
Speak up and speak clearly, BB. I don't understand you when you mumble.
"Can I have some lunch?"
Sure.
A few minutes later, the elderly man and his wife were getting up to leave and this time the wife came over. She said to me, "Your children are beautiful. I had 6 children. You are doing a fine job with them. They are very sweet."
I'm glad I didn't follow my gut and assume that earlier the gentleman was making a judgement of me. I wonder if he and his wife were sitting over their lunch remembering a time when their 6 children were young. Perhaps they had a son like my BB who could "really hold a grudge". I appreciated the wife coming over to make a comment and to validate me for what I am trying to do with my children.
We left Arby's with all 4 children chatting happily, with full bellies. I felt like I had made some sort of connection across the generations. It was a good reminder to me that these days with my kids will go by quickly. But the impact will last a lifetime.
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