Peanut

Peanut has been talking an awful lot about his Dad lately. It's a struggle for me because he has never met his Dad. He was born in MN, his Dad was in TX and two days after he was born, his Dad went to prison. These are complex issues to try to relay to a 6 year old in a way that he can understand.

I have been confused as to why this is coming up all of a sudden. I'm not afraid to talk to my children about it. I want them to come to me. I made a promise to them, in my heart, that I would be honest with them about what happened and that I would not vilify their Dad in any way that he has not already done himself. I would speak only truth, not trash talk. But honestly, that gets really hard when I see the pain on their faces and when Peanut asks me, "Why did you tell the police to come and take my Dad away? Couldn't you have not told them?"

Ugh.

Those are the moments when I pray for wisdom and the right words to come and I try to listen for the underlying questions.

Yesterday, Peanut was singing a song that went something like "It's time to go home to see your mom and your dad..."

I did not need lightning bolts or handwriting on the wall to clue me in to that one.

"Peanut, do you sing that song at school?"

"Yes. Every day before we go home."

"Does that song make you think about your Dad?"

"Yes. I don't go home and see my Dad but everyone else does."

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

"Awww, baby. I know it is hard to not have a dad at home. But you do have a Mom who loves you very much. You also have a Grandpa, Grandma, Auntie Desert Bloom, Auntie Mrs, Uncle Biker Boy, Great Grandma...Soooo many people love you. And you have Jesus and He is with you all the time."

"I know. I just wish I could see my Dad."

It's not that I want my kids to hate their father. I don't want them to grow up with hate in their hearts. But in all honesty, I often feel that he does not deserve their love. Other then provide half of their DNA, he is nothing in their lives but a ghost, a reminder to them that they are different. They don't have a two-parent family. They don't fit what they see on TV with father's playing catch with sons or coaching their sports teams or taking them fishing. I would hate to break it to them and tell them that their father, were he around would not be doing those things with them anyway. He would disappoint them in that area too.

He was extremely self-absorbed. To this day, when he writes to me annually on Mother's Day and my birthday (which really makes May suck, thank you very much) he refers to them not by name, individually but as "the kids" or "the kiddo's". He tries to imply an intimate relationship with them that is just not there. He does not get that. He is not here through the good and the bad. He doesn't get to celebrate the victories in their lives or hug them when they lose or miss the mark. He's not here when they are sick and fevered, vomiting all over every surface in the house. He, in my mind, has not earned the right to refer to them in a group or by a nickname.

To me, this pattern of his, that he has repeated over the last 6 years of referring to them en masse, just continues to show me that they are merely objects in his world, they are things he feels belong to him, but they are not individuals. They are not people to him. They are things.

I wish I could explain that to my children but I know that it would scar them and hurt them far worse then the fantasy father they have. At some point, when they are old enough, and I have told them this, the court order for no contact will no longer apply because they will be adults, and they can write to him and visit him if they want to. I know that should they pursue that, he will disappoint them. He will hurt them. And I will be here to catch them. I can protect them now as best I can. It's the only thing I can do.