Self Perception

The other day, a friend described me as outgoing. I was floored. This is not a word I would have ever used to describe myself. I'm an introvert. I have since learned that introverts don't NOT like people, we do, but we also need a lot of "alone time" to regroup and recharge. I have a job that requires a lot of time with people, both co-workers and clients and people in the community. And then I get home and I have 4 more little people who also require my time and energy. In order to refresh myself and get ready for the next day, I need quiet things that relax me. I scrapbook. I knit. I read. I watch some TV.

To me, an outgoing person is someone who is bubbly and always on the go, busy chatting it up with people all the time. Like my sister, The Mrs., she can talk to anyone at anytime and in fact, the more she is around people, the more energy she gets. She loves the city and the energy. I find it exhausting. I'm an introvert. She's an extrovert.

So, I asked another friend about this term "outgoing". She agreed that she would consider me outgoing but not someone who needs the spotlight or all the attention. OK. That is making more sense. That is true. I'm content to be behind the scenes. I don't need to run the show and "be seen". She also told me that I seem to be confident and comfortable with myself. Hmmmm. I like that. That is a good thing. That is something I have been striving for.

What is weird however, is that I have not seen that in myself. I sometimes still see myself as the mousy, frumpy, forever pregnant housewife who did not voice opinions, who did not rock boats, who did not speak up but did what she was asked without complaint. Is it possible then that I have changed in ways that I did not even know about?

This was good news to me. It made me feel great. I want to be seen as confident. I am proud of what I have accomplished and where I have come from. I have gone through a lot of muck and mire to get here. And it seems that this is shining through, even though I still look at myself and see the problems, the mistakes, all the things that still are not going right.

I worry that I am fake. But I think if you worry that you are fake, then you are probably not. Fake people think they are real. When I was married, I had a fake veneer. From the outside, I looked like I had it all together. I had the husband with the good job, the house in the suburbs, the cute blond kids, nice car but I was living a lie. No one knew that behind that veneer was a dark secret. Some of the secrets I did not even know about. My husband worked very hard to keep up the appearance that everything was fine while the reality was that everything was crumbling and the life we had was about to fall apart. But we were good at hiding the truth from most people. And the ones who could see something was wrong, my husband found ways to push them out of our lives.

That is why I worry about being fake. I want to be genuine. I want to be real. I want who I am on the inside to shine through to the outside. Someone I have not met in my office, but is on an email loop with me, told me she has to meet me because my email was so funny she about fell off her chair. Really? There was a time in my life when no one laughed at my jokes but me. And now a stranger tells me I am funny and a friend tells me I am outgoing. And those are two things I have always wanted to be.