It happened one day when I watched BB swing across the monkey bars and then he started climbing across the top. I wanted to jump out of my chair and tell him, "Get down before you fall and get hurt..." and I imagined him falling on his face, blood pouring out of numerous scrapes and white bones poking out of every limb.
It took everything I had within me to sit in my chair and cheer, "Good job, BB! Way to go! Look at you!!"
I know that if I had told him he could get hurt and then demanded he get down, he would have done one of two things: climbed back down, pouting and feeling embarrassed perhaps he would be more cautious and fearful the next time or he could have continued on as he was with more determination and next time upping the ante, doing more and more outrageous stunts just to prove me wrong.
I had to let go. I had to let him try. He finished climbing across the top of the monkey bars that day. He did it many more times that summer. He never fell. He never did fall or even so much as break open a blister. And the grin on his face told me he was proud of his accomplishment.
It's happened at other times too and with the other kids. They each learned how to ride a bike. I left the training wheels on until I saw confidence growing and the the training wheels were not actually touching the ground any longer and then I took them off. BB hopped on his bike, wobbled for a bit and the took off like a rocket. He fell often, usually when trying to stop and would comment, "Wow! I'm biking but I think I need to work some more on my landing!"
Princess could not be left behind, so she saw BB riding and she asked me to take her trainers off too. Next thing I knew, she was riding up and down the street with a grin on her face. I never did the "hold on to the back of the bike and some times let go..." thing. But I had emotionally hands on the back of that bike. I bit my tongue and the inside of my cheek as I watched them round the curves and almost wipe out. I cried the first time one of them scraped up their knee. But I learned to let go. They learned to be confident and try things.
Today was another opportunity for me to let go. The funny thing is that I did not plan it. Maybe that is the best way. On Thursdays, I work until 7pm. Princess babysits Peanut from 5:30 until 7:30. She is learning to cook so she also makes her brothers dinner. Sometimes.
I got home tonight and there was not a kid to be found. I did start to panic a little but then I saw that Princess wrote a note:
"Went to sience fair at boys school from 6pm to 8pm We rode bikes. "
The spelling made me laugh.
Then I looked around the kitchen and saw the remnants of dinner. And I saw the cell phone plugged in. I put the pieces together and knew that she had tried to call me while I was in a meeting but had not left me a message. We will work on that. But she left me a note. She told me where they were and when they would be back. She made dinner and they were all together.
I fought the urge to drive over to the school and chew them out. Obviously this was something they felt was important. I needed to let go.
And they all came back. They were happy. They were safe.
I did feel a bit like a chump when I realized that this was THE Science and Arts Fair...and I should have gone. I just did not know. And selfishly, I was enjoying the peace and quiet.
For next time, I do want her to leave me a message on my voicemail and we need to make sure that cell phone is charged AND turned on.
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