Broken

This post will not be light and funny. It's not the place I am in tonight. I have been through the wringer this week but I think I finally let it out. I also feel like this "Broken Place" is right where God wants me. I feel Him telling me "Good...NOW I can work with you." I had to let go of a lot of junk that has been holding me back. I have been holding me back.

I ended a 2 year relationship/engagement. It's been almost 2 months now since I broke things off. I am at peace about it. It was the right thing to do. My only regret is that I didn't see the warning signs sooner. Actually, I saw them but I ignored them. Sort of like running a run light. My Mom has put me on a "Man-atorium" or what I dub "dating rehab". It's not such a bad idea. I don't seem to do a real good job of picking men. I think I get caught up in feeling lonely and aching for a mate that I rush into things without stopping to think. My fortune cookie on Friday said "You wear your heart on your sleeve". To that I said, "Duhhh". What I am doing during my Rehab is NOT looking for a man and taking a good hard look at the choices I have made and why I made them. I'm a pretty analytical person, so I am analyzing myself about why I do the silly stuff I do when it comes to relationships. It's tough stuff. It's hard because the deepest part of me really longs for a marriage like I see with my parents and some of my friends at church. But what my previous failed relationships have severly lacked has been friendship first. I rushed in with my heart first and then all of a sudden, Whoooaaaa...this is not a person who is good for me and I don't think I even like him.

So, that is one part that has been broken. I have to give that desire and longing over to the Lord. I need to daily, even hourly, or maybe minute by minute, give Him my desire to marry again.

I have also realized in this self analysis that I don't make good decisions when I am feeling desperate. That includes relationships, finances, budgeting or how I spend my time. This has been the biggest revelation to me this week. I was panicking a little this week because I thought that I should buy a house. I even found a really cute one, put in an offer and then woke up in a cold sweat after having a dream where my mother told me "It's too much..." so I recinded the offer. Then I talked with a mortgage guy about my credit report and even though my score is fine, there are things I need to clean up and this sent me realing and panicking. So once again, I start this cycle of "all or nothing" and "end of the world" thinking.

The result was a lot of headaches and a twisted knot in my stomach for several days. And I realized that I needed to slow way down. But it is ok. It may be the best thing for me, just like dating rehab, to step back and continue to rent for a year or so, work on cleaning up my finances, evaluate some of my bad habits that mess me up.

But it broke me. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed that I had let my finances spin out of control, or what felt out of control to me. I felt embarrassed that I had stayed in an unhealthy and abusive relationship for far too long because I was to scared to be alone. But God's word says that God does not give us a spirit of fear but of power and of a strong mind. So, that fear and the shame, embarrassment are not of God. God wants me to confess my lack of faith and my lack of dependence upon Him. I think He has used all these really difficult circumstances to break down these strongholds in my life, these little walls I built because I think I can handle my life better than the One who knows every hair on my head and who has known me before I was knit together in my mother's womb. I realized today, I know nothing. But knowing that I know nothing is not making me feel weak. That is what is surprising. I stood in the shower and I cried, I confessed my sins and my poor choices and I am asking the Lord to take over and lead me. And now I feel calm and no longer scared.

Now the Lord can work with me. Because I am broken.